Sad, lonely and a long time since I’ve smiled

[Sadnessallaround]

Just wanted to get the following written down as a bit of an outlet.

Have recently split up with partner of 25 years. Have 2 DD who I adore.
They are aware that their dad and I have split up. As it stands we are all living together. Ex partner and I are now sleeping in separate rooms.
I am just feeling so terribly sad and lonely.
The house is all decorated for Christmas yet I have no Christmas spirit. My eldest ( teenager ) tells me that she feels sad. I give her a hug, apologise, let her know that i’ll always be here for her. I’ll then cry with her.

I don’t mention to her about it’s all been daddy’s decision to split up with mummy and he wished he never met me and how he has done this to make himself happy.
He has met someone new and has proceeded to tell DD’s. They know that he goes to see her. He has told them that he will now spend his time 50 / 50 between them and gf. I think this is so sad, being told from your dad that he only wants to spend half his time with you

I just needed to write this down

Ah that's a miserable situation you're in it's no wonder you're sad.
Why is he staying? I'd want him gone.

This isn’t just sad but this is cruel and he has no heart to do this to you or his children
Self centred arse
Can you not get him to leave or are you working towards living apart
My ex is with another woman and it’s the worse split ever for me, as you have feelings and they are directing them elsewhere
Do not let him make you feel this way
I don’t have much interest in Xmas, but for your children’s sake you have a good one, and do not worry about him. Show him indifference and don’t let him see you sad
When his OW gets fed up with him it’s usual they start to find you more interesting, and by then you won’t care
I find each day gets a little better but it can’t if he is in your face and space every day. You will heal so much better without him there believe me x

What's your housing situation @Sadnessallaround? What are your plans for the immediate future?

I hope you can find some light in the darkness.

and he wished he never met me and how he has done this to make himself happy

I cant' stand these pathetic toddler-men. The ones who can't take responsibility for their own choices but instead need to rewrite their whole lives to make themselves victims who 'bravely' struck a blow for themselves by -er- shacking up with someone else.

Its frankly ridiculous that it take him two and half decades to realise his relationship with you wasn't really working out for him.

My God, I have just realised he is still in the family home! What a nasty piece of work, he 'leaves' you, blames you for his life choices, then expects to stay whilst popping off to his GF whenever he wants.
What a horrible, horrible piece of work!

There aren't enough flowers in the world to express how much I feel for you OP.

And he is teaching his DAUGHTERS that this is how they should expect to be treated by men. His own daughters!

I have no words for this maggot of a man.

All you can do is be there for your children and try and make Christmas bearable for you.
Can you plan things, just you and the girls, like go shopping for a few new Xmas decs / tree, go to a farm cafe for hot chocolate together after school, make some mince pies together etc..just the three of you.
Just sort of pretend he is part of the furniture..he is

Thanks for reading and replying everyone. I agree with so many of your comments.

I will try to be positive over the next period of time, although, i have a feeling it’s going to be hard.

Thanks again

Sending lots of love to you. You'll get through this and the sadness will pass

I'm so sorry that he's doing this - what a dick. No advice but couldn't just read and run 💐

Hello,

Again, just needing to write this down.

Another sleepless night is ahead of me with so many things going through my mind. I feel like i’m the saddest person in the world.

This isn’t how I wanted my family life
to be and non of it was my decision. I can see that there are going to be many downs in the future and not many ups....

How on earth did he meet someone during lockdown??! You should make him leave

Hi OP, I just wanted to let you know I've been where you are. It will get better but it will take time. IMO you should make him leave the house ASAP and have only bare minimum necessary contact with him. It will help you to move on with your life. At the moment he has no consequences for his awful behaviour, but be prepared that when reality hits him he may well try and come crawling back. Please don't put yourself through the hell of taking him back, just trust in yourself that life will get better xx

Thank you and here’s to a new day

He won’t be moving out due to a number of reasons.
I definitely don’t want him back, ever. He has caused so much upset and makes me feel so sad. I won’t be going back.

my gosh it’s hard

Hello @Sadnessallaround - I just wanted to say how sorry I am. My situation is similar - a couple of months ago my DH left for someone else. He has his own flat but mainly lives with her. It’s worse than a bereavement because they’re still in your life so harder to process, especially as your DH is still in the home. I wonder if he could go somewhere else, even for a few days. The strain would lift a bit or can you go out more?

It doesn’t take 25 years to realise that someone isn’t right for you. On my thread other posters have referred to cognitive dissonance and it will be relevant to your case. Your DH is vilifying the marriage to try and justify what he’s done.

For Christmas can you have family round who can protect you a bit from him?

Thank you. I will be seeing family.
Ex has already made arrangements for all day boxing day so he won’t be here then.

Can anyone throw light on the following:

Ex goes out last night to new GF.

Older DD sends messages to him along the lines of, love you Daddy, you’re the best Daddy in the world, Goodnight Daddy.

He reply’s : Goodnight Darling, will be back in the morning to take you to school. Love you....

Where as i’m here and i’m not the one who has told DD’s that from now on i’m only going to spend half my time with you........ gets the shouting, huffs and puffs e.t.c

Why is this ? Can anyone enlighten me ? Just makes me more sad.

I think it is because you are her safe space, @Sadnessallaround. She can act out with you because she knows you are the one there for her.

She is trying to connect with her DF because she has seen how he can abandon someone (you) and on some level she doesn't want it to be her.

Just try to rise above it if you possibly can, hopefully she will know in the long run who is the parent she can depend on and respect.

My daughters were the same when their dad left me. I was told it was because I was their safe parent. They could act out with me as they trusted me not to leave them whereas they had to be nice to dad so they wouldn't lose him completely. I must admit I didn't find it comforting at the time and it added heartache to the heartache but we did survive it and they love me and still love their dad but with a measure of exasperation and a little pity these days

Thank you @Fantasia.

What you have written has really put the situation into perspective for me.

Plenty of reassurance from me I think.

Thanks @annonymousse

Thanks for sharing your experience. Your right, it certainly does add to the heartache however i’m pleased that that period of time has settled for you.

I love both my DD’s so much. I’ll support and reassure them the best way I can

How long will you have to be living together for? I am also living with my STBXH and it is awful. I am just reassuring myself that it won't always be this bad and I'll be able to heal once we live separately.

He won’t be moving out due to a number of reasons.

Right ...

OP, if you're in the U.K. you have the right not to live with a man you are no longer in a relationship with. Whatever he's said to you, he needs to move out. Worst case, you leave and take your daughters with you.

You write "DP" - so is this a situation where you're not married and you are financially and domestically dependent on him? Honestly, things can be sorted out so you and he live under separate roofs. You do not have to continue like this. Please find the strength to look into your options, whatever your current situation.

I'm also guessing that right now you're continuing to do all the domestic work. Are you washing his clothes and cooking his meals? If so you've been turned from partner to maid - while he swans in and out, disrupting everyone's' lives.

@Fantasisa, I think we’ll be living together for a little while longer yet. Sorry to read that your living with your ex too.

@PoulePouletteEternellement

I am in the uk.
Yes Ex Dp . Together 25 year , not
married so at least no divorce to deal with.

Not doing any of his washing and don’t cook any meals for him. We live rather separately in the same house.
If I need help with something, like the other night I couldn’t get a tin to open , I just don’t bother asking him for help.

My mind set is that i’m by myself.

Does this make sense ?

I too , have a cheater husband living with me. Seperate stuff but still very much part of the household. He said he will go as soon as he can travel. But financially , I will be screwed. So a bit stuck.
It is hard enough for me to be around him , knowing what he has done even though it has been 2 years ago. I can't imagine what it's like with him actively involved with OW. A really shit situation for you. Any possibility of him moving in the near future.?
I too , have an adult DD that seems to be totally in the defensive side with him.It hurts terribly . I don't know why she is , I think maybe she feels he had no friends or family here and she needs to be there.

It does get better , easier in time , but it is truly awful to have to go through it. Hopefully , he will be in a position to leave you alone with time to heal. I hope you have some family or friends who can support you through this.

Together 25 years , not married so at least no divorce to deal with.

OP you need a lawyer (preferably before rather than after Christmas) to take you through the current legal position for unmarried cohabitees.

You don't give the reason(s) why you are still living under the same roof - but I can think of no reason, other than your being dependent on him, why you would allow this to continue. Nothing regarding your children can justify it. Nothing regarding your reputation amongst wider family or friends could possibly justify it.

It is quite bad enough when such a situation pertains for a few weeks or months while finances are sorted out - I really hope you don't see this as your permanent situation from now on. It cannot go on. It is a form of mental torture which could destroy not just your own sense of self worth but also your children's respect for you. If they're young enough to be writing the sort of notes you mention above, they cannot be 'reassured' while they see you living in such a poisonous situation.

@Sadnessallaround, I agree with PP regarding talking to a solicitor. The longer it goes with your DP living with OW the less agreeable he is likely to be to a settlement between you too. Now is the time. Also agree with PP that you will not start healing until he's gone.