Sad, lonely and a long time since I’ve smiled

[Sadnessallaround]

Just wanted to get the following written down as a bit of an outlet.

Have recently split up with partner of 25 years. Have 2 DD who I adore.
They are aware that their dad and I have split up. As it stands we are all living together. Ex partner and I are now sleeping in separate rooms.
I am just feeling so terribly sad and lonely.
The house is all decorated for Christmas yet I have no Christmas spirit. My eldest ( teenager ) tells me that she feels sad. I give her a hug, apologise, let her know that i’ll always be here for her. I’ll then cry with her.

I don’t mention to her about it’s all been daddy’s decision to split up with mummy and he wished he never met me and how he has done this to make himself happy.
He has met someone new and has proceeded to tell DD’s. They know that he goes to see her. He has told them that he will now spend his time 50 / 50 between them and gf. I think this is so sad, being told from your dad that he only wants to spend half his time with you

I just needed to write this down

Sadnessallaround It must be so hard when he's still in and out of the house.
My son's dad cheated from when I was 8 months pregnant to when the baby was 3 weeks old and I found out. We did get back together (stupid of me) but I finally kicked him out when ds was 18 months (I'd found mumsnet by then!)

Yes it was tough raising my son alone, his father still has never paid a penny and only really came back into his life when he was 3.5. He now spends 4 days a month with him. But it was all so worth it and being a single parent was one of the happiest times of my life. I really grew as a person and I look back with pride.

I would never speak ill of his father to him and encourage their relationship and encourage good relationships with his dads girlfriend and son (his girlfriend is really nice and it's usually me and her arranging contact - god knows how he's managed to reel her in!). You sound lovely and I know you'll take that approach with your daughters. They know who their safe parent is. They know you would never abandon them. They can be their true selves with you and don't feel the need to impress you for fear of being left.

The pain of being cheated on, lied to and betrayed is beyond awful. I remember it being physically painful. You can't eat or sleep.

However, I can promise you you will come out the other side stronger and happier than ever. You will look back and marvel in how strong you are. You will be in awe of yourself for how you handled everything. You daughters will be inspired by your journey.

I wish you all the luck, happiness and love in the world.

Can you buy him out OP?

@WaterOffADucksCrack thank you for your kind words and wonderful wishes.

I am sorry that you were hurt by your ex but it sounds as though you are absolutely flying. I take my hat off to you.

You mention your ex’s girlfriend and how you usually arrange contact through her for your son to see his dad. I have cried for many hours even thinking about my DDs being away from me to spend time with his new GF . I am VERY fragile regarding this and don’t think i’d cope. Whereas ex would probably see this as amazing, wonderful and the best.

@BlueThistles , I couldn’t buy him out i’m Afraid. In order for me to do this it would cost me approx £160,000 , that’s 50% of the house value. To be honest I feel nothing but sadness in this house now. It’s like any happy memories that were here have just disappeared.

I realise that when the house is sold, I won’t be living in a nice area anymore. Like already mentioned, mortgage is almost paid off

OP I think once the house is gone.. you'll mourn the loss for a while then perhaps relish the new free beginning for you and the kids.. searching for a new home is exciting... I do hope so.. you sound so broken emotionally.. I'm hoping the only way is UP for you now...

Don't see it as them being away from you to spend time with her, it's contact time with their dad. In time they may form a relationship of sorts but she will only be there as a consequence of being there during contact time. They may not feel ready to meet her for a time anyway!

Thanks once again both @w

Oops sorry will finish what I was
Writing then post again

Thanks again @BlueThistles and @WaterOffADucksCrack

I’m having a particularly teary day today.

Ex was out all night last night at new GF’S house. He came back early afternoon. Full of the ‘joys of spring,’ happy, happy, happy and DDs were pleased to see him too however, for me, his return makes me feel sad and angry. Like previously mentioned , having his cake and eating it.
He has now took DDs out shopping.

I think this coming Christmas is going to be one of my most saddest.

Thanks for reading

Disney Dad OP.. takes all the good bits and leave the hard emotional stuff for you... he's a prick make no mistake.. his 'other' side will appear to the girls soon enough...

I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to be living with you like this and waltzing in and out. Do your DDs know he has a GF? His behaviour is disgusting. If he wants to sleep around then he needs to move out surely. Can you not stop him coming and going?

Can’t you threaten to report him to the authorities unless he moves out? Isn’t he breaking Covid restrictions moving between households? You should start to find your anger and screw him

@BlueThistles, I agree with everything you have written

@soopedup yes, DD’s know about his new GF. They know that that is where he goes and who he is with. He has classed it as a support bubble as she lives alone but she does have an older daughter. I completely disagree with him doing this and have made him aware however he is just not interested.

I cannot stop him from coming and going. House is in joint names. But if only I could....

The last few days for me have been testing to say the least and with the ‘bid day’ being tomorrow I am dreading it.

How am I going to be cheerful tomorrow?

Can anyone help me with this ?

It's a really sad Christmas for me too, no cheating, just a falling apart marriage. Gaslighting, emotional abuse, some very nasty arguments and H who doesn't love me anymore or care how sick I'm getting . No advice. I'm just trying to ignore it and push the sadness down. Trying to focus on the kids and get through it, faking it. Reminding myself it'll be over soon. All the clichéd advice.

@HereIAmOnceAgain so sorry to read about your situation. I think that is what i’m going to have to do too, fake it

It’s coming to the end of Christmas Day 2020 and I have just managed to get through the day.

DD’S tell me that they’ve had a good day. Which is what it’s all been about.

I must admit, after being up early and not stopping all day i’m looking forward to getting both DDs to bed as i’m tired

I find that writing things down help me so that’s why i’m posting this.....

Today, ex has been trying.

I potentially had some evening work tonight which over the last few months has been rather non existent so I jumped at the possibility.

Ex however did not like this ( he would have to stay in with DDs while I worked ) even though I told him of the possibility of this work yesterday.

He went on and on about how me going out to work would disrupt his possible plans. Talking in a raised voice and being very short.

He has been out to his new GF almost every night over the last few nights and I don’t say anything. I get the opportunity to work for one evening and he explodes

Unfortunately the job hasn’t come off but will see what next time brings

He's being an inconsiderate jerk. Are you claiming child support from him @Sadnessallaround? I think if you're officially separated under one roof you can and if he's out every night that's 100% nights to you. Where I am they base child support payments on how many nights care you each. Might encourage him to set up regular care schedule so you can work some nights.

Your name is how I felt this Christmas, surrounded by sadness. Kids enjoyed it at least, that's the most important but. The life after divorce thread and the seperating January thread and both ongoing now as support threads if you want to join. There's some good positive posts about being happier post divorce in the life after divorce thread too.

Thanks for your reply @HereIAmOnceAgain

I am so sorry that my name resembles how you are feeling too. It’s hard isn’t it.

I’ll have a look at both the threads you have mentioned.

With regards money. He pays a bigger amount of each bill as he earns more than I do. If this makes sense. I don’t think I can ask for maintenance due to what is already in place.

@Sadnessallaround

Thanks for your reply *@HereIAmOnceAgain*

I am so sorry that my name resembles how you are feeling too. It’s hard isn’t it.

I’ll have a look at both the threads you have mentioned.

With regards money. He pays a bigger amount of each bill as he earns more than I do. If this makes sense. I don’t think I can ask for maintenance due to what is already in place.

Hello OP

I don’t think I can ask for maintenance due to what is already in place.
I'm sorry I've only read your posts and not the responses you've received from posters, but have you looked at the CMS website for child maintenance? Are you really sure you can't claim on their behalf? Here is the link from the Gov.uk website
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Also I noted you were quietly moving your savings around. Please be sure to change your passwords on all your banking sites, as well as any shopping websites and anything else which may adversely affect you, financially or otherwise - eg your phone and email accounts.

I wish you strength for the process you will be going through. I know you will get support from MN. If you have anyone in real life to lean on, who you can rely on, do please consider opening up to them too. 🌹

@Happynow001 thanks for your advice. I will have a click on the link and take a look.

As regards bank accounts and money, Ex doesn’t have any access. They’re my accounts that I have opened with my money.
Ex and I have don’t have any shared bank accounts.

Well , here I am New Year’s Eve 2020.

It feels as though I could burst into tears at any moment. Reflecting upon the last year and looking forward to well, nothing really.

My DDs want to stay up until midnight and my Ex will be here however he is at new GFs at the moment.

I just want to go to bed. Can’t be bothered. Everything will just be the same tomorrow

How are you OP 🌺

Has he dumbed you down so much op that you think it's acceptable that he tortures you everyday by going between your house and his girlfriend. Kick the bastard out ffs!

He's using the threat of how that action will hurt the kids I bet. Meanwhile he's hurting the kids every day!!

How are you going @Sadnessallaround?