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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sad, lonely and a long time since I’ve smiled

142 replies

Sadnessallaround · 03/12/2020 12:47

Just wanted to get the following written down as a bit of an outlet.

Have recently split up with partner of 25 years. Have 2 DD who I adore.
They are aware that their dad and I have split up. As it stands we are all living together. Ex partner and I are now sleeping in separate rooms.
I am just feeling so terribly sad and lonely.
The house is all decorated for Christmas yet I have no Christmas spirit. My eldest ( teenager ) tells me that she feels sad. I give her a hug, apologise, let her know that i’ll always be here for her. I’ll then cry with her.

I don’t mention to her about it’s all been daddy’s decision to split up with mummy and he wished he never met me and how he has done this to make himself happy.
He has met someone new and has proceeded to tell DD’s. They know that he goes to see her. He has told them that he will now spend his time 50 / 50 between them and gf. I think this is so sad, being told from your dad that he only wants to spend half his time with you

I just needed to write this down

OP posts:
Besom · 12/12/2020 13:09

I lived with parents who had split up but were still living together. They had their reasons I'm sure but it was the most miserable experience for me and my DB. No real drama but as you say just a sad, sad atmosphere all the time.Much happier when they finally did live separately. Affected my mh as a youngster so I would not put your dds through that please iif you can possibly help it.

Besom · 12/12/2020 13:14

Sorryyou are goi g through it OP I know it's terribly difficult and not straightforward decision. But better for everyone the sooner you can move on from it.

user8888 · 12/12/2020 13:43

He's walking all over you. You must get legal help.

For your own sanity and to show your daughters they don't have to put up with crap like this!!

I've been in your situation. Two months of him sleeping on the living room floor refusing to move out of 'his home' although he was the one who ended the marriage. He still says I like to throw people out, lol!

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 12/12/2020 20:16

Thanks again everyone

I hear you all.

I’ve spoken to a solicitor.

The house is in both our names and the mortgage is almost paid off.
She confirmed that, if the house was to be sold, it would probably be 50 / 50. Maybe slightly more, say 60 / 40 if my DD’s live mostly with me and because I run my business from home ( even before coronavirus )

As it doesn’t look as though ex will be moving out for a bit..... and I am well aware that it’s like he’s having his cake and eating it...... I have been quietly moving my savings about and adding to them to benefit me and DDs in the future.

Therefore, I am slowly putting plans in place.

I realise that once either he moves out or the house is sold i’ll be able to move on even more and the healing will begin.

I hope i’m doing some good moves

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 13/12/2020 22:52

Just wanted to write the following....

So pleased that it is bedtime and after a few sleepless nights, I think tonight, maybe the night I do actually sleep......

Everything has caught up with me

OP posts:
User775633244 · 13/12/2020 23:02

Wishing you a lovely nights sleep OP.

Fantasisa · 13/12/2020 23:07

Goodnight, OP. Imagine the slumber you will have when this is behind you - I know I can't wait.

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 14/12/2020 08:37

@User775633244, thank you and I did

@Fantasisa, Cannot wait for that moment.... hope your doing ok

Here’s to a new day. Let’s see you this one will bring....

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 14/12/2020 08:39

.... was meant to write, let’s see what this one will bring....

OP posts:
User775633244 · 14/12/2020 08:50

Well, I'm hoping it brings something really good for you. I read your thread last night and you sound lovely, and you deserve so much better than how you are being treated.

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 14/12/2020 12:18

@User775633244 thank you for your kind words. Much appreciated.

I hope your day is going well

OP posts:
iwanttoridemybicycleiwant · 14/12/2020 12:50

Make man shaped cookies and stab them in the arse with a fork... Bake them then bite their heads off. Not only might it be cathartic but the sugar rush will be nice (beware the sugar low tho...)

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 14/12/2020 13:42

@iwanttoridemybicycleiwant.... I might just do this, thanks for the idea

OP posts:
PornStarQuarantini · 14/12/2020 15:26

Maybe communicate with your DCs by text too OP. Kids find it easier/more natural to talk that way. That's probably why they messaged their dad like that. They probably feel somewhat to blame (unfoundedly) and want him to love them. They know you love them so you get the sulks. Plus you are the domestic that's around them. The drudge. He gets to be the hero.

Send them texts telling them you love them. I'm sure they will respond in kind.

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 14/12/2020 22:01

Evening

Can’t wait to get settled and into bed but older DD is stalling....

I’m here by myself.
Ex went out hours ago after spending approx 10 mins with DDs earlier on. This make me so cross. They really don’t deserve that

I sent Older DD upstairs to bed about 25 mins ago asking her to go quietly as younger DD is asleep.
Younger DD has made her way into my room.
Older DD goes into my room, puts the light on, opens wardrobe doors and begins looking for brush, hair straighteners etc banging the doors as she goes.
I ask her to leave the room as she is waking up younger DD and that what she is looking for is else where. So the huffs and puffs begin

These situations are so much harder when 1, you are by yourself 2, you’re tried and just want to go to bed....

OP posts:
pog100 · 14/12/2020 22:27

You are doing fantastically. It's hard being the parent that actually parents and thinks about the kids best interests. They aren't at the easiest if ages anyway. One thing is certain when they grow and see this from more adult eyes they will know exactly who really cared for them. You will be able to view them with real pride because you are the one who is bringing them up!

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 15/12/2020 16:33

Ok, so, oldest DD has just come home from school.

Over the last couple of weeks she has been having tests in school and today she got the results from one subject.

She found the tests to this particular subject tricky. DD got just over the pass mark 75%

She was pleased and even though I would of liked her to achieve more I think she has done her best and have said well done however.....

her dad, who has never taken an interest in her school work. Has never helped her or encouraged her has made her feel really bad about her result. Saying he expects so much more

I feel that, because of this, he shouldn’t of said what he did.

I feel I should tell him this however I know that he’ll only start shouting and tell me to go away. Gosh he makes me cross.

DD knows that i’m dissatisfied with his unhelpful comment

Say something or leave it? Help

OP posts:
PornStarQuarantini · 15/12/2020 17:24

Leave it OP, it's not your problem. As you say, it will cause tension between you & STBXH. Plus it gives your DD the impetus to try harder & keep motivated without you being the one who encourages that.

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 15/12/2020 17:26

Have come to my own conclusion...

Not going to say anything. I’d rather not speak to him but what I am going to do is now that i’ve finished work have a proper sit down chat with DD and say i’m Proud that she did her best and if there’s anything I can particularly help with then I will ( although her level of maths is so high i’d probably have to teach myself first )

This is what I always do anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 15/12/2020 17:29

@PornStarQuarantini

Thank you,, it’s appreciated

OP posts:
User775633244 · 15/12/2020 17:34

It's hard but you are responsible for your relationship with your daughter, now his. Just be there for her if she needs you, and you are doing that. She passed! That's great, the pass mark has been created for a reason , that is the level achieved to show that she has learned the subject. Life can be full of so much awfulness, it's good to celebrate the small wins, so do that with her.

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 15/12/2020 18:17

@User775633244..... and that is what I will do. Your comments are really helpful, thanks

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 15/12/2020 18:27

So sorry you're going through this OP. Unfortunately you'll probably find due to fearing they'll lose forever the children will try and keep it together in his presence and you'll bear the brunt of how awful they really feel until such time as they are old enough to understand and tell him what hurt he caused them years to come.

You are doing great, putting plans in motion and focusing on what you CAN control only.

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 16/12/2020 11:42

Thanks for your comments @Jobsharenightmare

Being able to write things down on here really does help me and having
all your advice helps too Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 17/12/2020 09:52

Counting to 10 this morning.....

Ex comes home at 8:00am after being out from late afternoon yesterday.

For me, I like him being out as I feel I can just get on. The house is quiet while I go to sleep and I don’t have to listen to the noise from either the tv or his music.

This morning he waltzed in all happy and whistling. Telling DDs “ I love you” and asking “ are you all ready for school” and “ don’t forget to do this and that.....

We were all perfectly fine getting ready for school doing all the necessary jobs.

Count to 10 I did but all I wanted to do was explode Angry

OP posts: