Sad, lonely and a long time since I’ve smiled

[Sadnessallaround]

Just wanted to get the following written down as a bit of an outlet.

Have recently split up with partner of 25 years. Have 2 DD who I adore.
They are aware that their dad and I have split up. As it stands we are all living together. Ex partner and I are now sleeping in separate rooms.
I am just feeling so terribly sad and lonely.
The house is all decorated for Christmas yet I have no Christmas spirit. My eldest ( teenager ) tells me that she feels sad. I give her a hug, apologise, let her know that i’ll always be here for her. I’ll then cry with her.

I don’t mention to her about it’s all been daddy’s decision to split up with mummy and he wished he never met me and how he has done this to make himself happy.
He has met someone new and has proceeded to tell DD’s. They know that he goes to see her. He has told them that he will now spend his time 50 / 50 between them and gf. I think this is so sad, being told from your dad that he only wants to spend half his time with you

I just needed to write this down

@BlueThistles

@HereIAmOnceAgain

Thank you both for thinking of me.

It’s been a busy week here. I’m sort of ok.

I really dislike Ex. He has been visiting new GF throughout the week and is there now. Before he leaves it’s all “ love you DD1” “ love you DD2” , “ see you soon gorgeous “ “ love you like jelly tots “ etc ,
etc, it just continues on and on. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

His new GF bought Christmas presents for my DDs which i’m not happy about at all. They both opened them away from me.
Upon stumbling upon them my DDs could clearly see i wasn’t happy but I haven’t actually said anything. They’ve been careful not to use them / have them out around me although two things are kitchen ware which is hard to avoid. I’m not even going to touch them. When I see any of the gifts from her it just makes me think of her. Like a little reminder.

It’s a beautiful day here and later on we’ll be going out to get some fresh air. I’m just trying to get DD1 to get dressed and yes, I realise its1:40pm!! I’m getting all the grumpiness and doing the parental looking after and Ex is out and just pleasing himself

Thanks again

Walk completed.

Ex said he wouldn’t be back at until tomorrow but guess what, he was here when I got back, this was so disappointing to come home too after what was, a lovely walk.

Was rather looking forward to him not being here but he is

I love it when DH isn't here. I feel so much lighter and relaxed. Its always so disappointing if he says he'll be out late and gets home early.

@HereIAmOnceAgain

I completely agree with you.

Hope your doing ok ?

... posted too soon.

Ex has now gone out again. He has gone back to his new GFs and won’t be back until tomorrow ( didn’t really understand why he came back. He just sat in his room watching his tv then left. After all the “love yous “ etc , etc again )

I’m sorry but this isn’t acceptable. He’s cheating and setting a bad example to your DDs. Did your solicitor say there’s anything you can do to get rid of him? Is the house on the market? It needs to be pushed forward urgently. You can’t be expected to live like this. Is there anyway to make it unbearable for him to be there?

What about you moving out with your DDs into rented?

@classiestgal

I am also disgusted by his behaviour. The word vile springs to mind.

There is nothing I can do to get rid of him.

I couldn’t afford rented accommodation, certainly not in the area where I live.

Moving any distance would be extremely tricky and have a huge detrimental effect on my job ( can’t say too much about this without ‘outing’ myself )

I have explored getting a mortgage however due to being self employed and earning a low amount ( not even enough to pay tax ) high street lenders all say no to me.

I lived with my boyfriend for about ten years never left we rowed it wasnt ideal but i just loved him and always triedvto make it work whatever eventually three places later i moved out i see him once a week as a friend itll never be the same but i can't live with him or without its a strange scenario you need breathing space sometimes and a happy medium lifes not always whatvu want it to be you just have to get used to the difference

OP have you put the house on the market? Appreciate it's a shitty time but he's going to push you to a nervous breakdown if you dont start separating.

You need get details of what he earns then look into whether CMS is more than his contribution to the house. You also need a solicitor to see if you can stay in the house until the youngest is 18?

You basically have a log in this thread of the little time he is looking after the girls.

Start putting this in writing to him by email so start a conversation on what the child arrangement will be. You need to stop being so passive.

Also as your separate you can claim universal credit as a single person so start that now as it takes 6 weeks.

Thank you @LouHotel

I’ve just looked at universal credit and the eligibility criteria.
Unfortunately, I don’t fit the criteria because of the savings element but thanks

I just cannot get over how your husband is behaving.

I find it utterly horrific and disgusting. I cannot in a million years imagine how a normal healthy person could justify this behaviour.

Your girls are having to watch the most disgusting example of a father. Thank god they have you. I think you are so brave holding it all together for them but I don’t think I could refrain from telling him what a pathetic, selfish human he was. He will look back in many years and realise.

I hope things get better for you and your girls. I really do not know how you are holding yourself together whilst witnessing this behaviour.

How long have you been separated?

@Lucy830

I agree with what you have written. You have described him and his behaviour very well indeed.

I am holding it together but it is hard. Some days more than others.

One of my DDs has decided to wear the pyjamas Ex new GF bought her for Christmas. When she walked into the room I just looked and said nothing. Ex gushed all over them
“ they look brilliant” “ they’re really nice “ etc .
I could see that she felt a little awkward. There was so much I could of said but didn’t. Ex was probably straight on his phone messaging new GF about her wearing them.

We’ve been separated a little while.

With all due respect OP because you sound like a lovely person and a wonderful Mum, where is your anger! Why are you just accepting this? What would you think if one of your daughters was having to just lie down and be walked all over. Do you think your eldest diesnt know this is all so wrong? This is a dreadful situation you have been put in. He didn't even care enough to leave before he started openly carrying on with the other women. Why are you allowing him to treat you all like this? Is the house on the market? If not why not?
Does he plan to just continue as he is? This nightmare will send you and your health to ruin. I hope you will find your anger when the heartbreak subsides. He is a vile despicable piece of dirt.

I’ve got to write the following here because I am so cross

Ex has just spent all of 15 mins with youngest DD tonight and approx 30mins with oldest

When DD was talking to him it took him a few moments to realise as he had his earphones in and watching his device. He removed them while DD spoke, he answered then put them straight back in.

I was sitting their curling my toes thinking how sad.
I wanted to say something but didn’t as after this I was going to put DD to bed and he would only shout or say something nasty which would upset DD and I didn’t want her upset going to bed.

While i’m upstairs doing story and settling youngest DD ( takes about 30 mins ) I can hear oldest DD chatting to her dad downstairs.

After settling youngest DD I go down and EX is putting his coat on in front of oldest DD to go out and he is all, “ oh I loved our chat” “ it was lovely”, “ love you” e.t.c., e.t.c . I had to leave the room

Ex has now gone out. He was out last night as well.

My DD deserve better

Just putting this here

Yesterday I overheard ex talking on the phone to either 111 or GP out of hours or such like

He was in the back room talking with the door shut. I was just walking past and I could hear him saying that he’d just been for a wee and his wee had dark red blood in it.

After he had finished he came to me and asked if there were any sample pots in the house. I got him one and asked if it was for him. He said yes. I asked if he was ok and he said I hope so.

Soon after he went out, I presume to new GF and he came back today at lunch time. He stayed in his room and he’s just left again with saying goodbye to anyone.

I don’t know how I feel about this. I realise I have to wait for him to tell me what is going on and if his wee has been sampled, results etc

I’m thinking about my DDs, this is their dad

Any thoughts anyone ?

Anyone ?

If he has noticed blood in his urine then he is doing the right thing by getting it checked out. This can be a sign of bladder cancer. There really is nothing you can do but hope for your girls sakes that he hasn't got anything serious.

@Zerrin13

Thank you.

Even though he isn’t my most favourite person in the world I don’t wish him any ill.

I’ll just have to wait for him to let me know what is going on.

My DDs have been through enough over the last few months. It has been so hard. I’ve been thinking of the possibility of what might be ahead of them ( and of Ex )

No advice. Its good he's getting checked. There's a general health forum in the health area of MN. Not sure how busy it is, might yield some more responses.

How are you feeling with all this? I think I I'd be struggling with the different emotions, like anger/disappointment at his treatment of you and DC but then also feeling worried about him being sick and the potential effect of that on DC and maybe the effect of that on moving forward with the separation.

All over the place here. I get so angry (internally) at DH and the little shitty things he does. He keeps shushing the kids even when they're talking normally amongst other really infuriating behaviour. I thought with his SN and the way he never seems to react that our middle boy wasn't noticing the smaller moody, angry behaviors DH has. But DS2 said something the other day that smashed that illusion. I feel like whether I go or stay, there are no good choices for my DC in this.

@HereIAmOnceAgain

Thank you for your response.

I still haven’t had any direct word from Ex. He hasn’t mentioned it. Nothing.

I did, briefly, hear him on the phone to someone about it this morning. He was in a NHS Que waiting for his call to be answered.

You’re right, I am struggling different emotions and you have hit the nail on the head with what you have said.

Sorry to read that things are a bit all over the place where you are at the moment. It’s hard to keep a lid on things. I hope today has been a better day for you. Take care

Upon bringing my youngest DD to bed I could hear eldest DD talking quietly to her dad.
She was asking him why was he upset on the phone to his new GF before and that she felt worried

He told her not to worry. It’s nothing to do with him and new GF or anything here.

So, DD 1 has picked up on something.

Nothing has been said to me. If DD1 asks i think i’ll just say that her dad hasn’t mentioned anything to me and I don’t know why he was upset.

Do this sound ok ?

How old is DD1? I think I'd say something non specific like what you're thinking of saying, unless she's really upset about it and sensing things are being hidden from her, then it might be better to ask your Ex to speak to her to reassure her.

Hi op, firstly can I say I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You sound very matter of fact when talking of his girlfriend and how you are separated in the same home.

None of these decisions were yours, you have not said you have put up a fight about any of this awful treatment you are recieving.

Does your husband know you are both working towards separating in the full sense of him moving out? or you moving out and separating the finances.
You say he has a temper, are you scared of him?
It seems to me very strange how he can normalize his relationship with his girlfriend to you and your children.
Are your children scared of him?

Are you allowed to voice your anger?

I'm sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick, but your posts sound defeatist, not the posts of a strong woman who has accepted to move on and start again.
Will he let you start again?
You don't have to answer these things and again sorry if I'm being presumtuous.

I think you may need help in trying to separate from this man, Womens Aid can help with this.