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Original poster

Sad, lonely and a long time since I’ve smiled

142 replies

Sadnessallaround · 03/12/2020 12:47

Just wanted to get the following written down as a bit of an outlet.

Have recently split up with partner of 25 years. Have 2 DD who I adore.
They are aware that their dad and I have split up. As it stands we are all living together. Ex partner and I are now sleeping in separate rooms.
I am just feeling so terribly sad and lonely.
The house is all decorated for Christmas yet I have no Christmas spirit. My eldest ( teenager ) tells me that she feels sad. I give her a hug, apologise, let her know that i’ll always be here for her. I’ll then cry with her.

I don’t mention to her about it’s all been daddy’s decision to split up with mummy and he wished he never met me and how he has done this to make himself happy.
He has met someone new and has proceeded to tell DD’s. They know that he goes to see her. He has told them that he will now spend his time 50 / 50 between them and gf. I think this is so sad, being told from your dad that he only wants to spend half his time with you

I just needed to write this down

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 19/01/2021 08:58

@HereIAmOnceAgain

DD1 is on the younger side of a teenager,

after settling youngest I went to check on eldest and we were talking about our days. She mentioned that ex was upset on the phone to his new GF and I replied ‘oh dear’ ‘ i’m not sure why’ . I can’t remember if she said she asked ex about it.
DD then moved the conversation on.

@Onthedunes

The situation I am in is not ideal at all. I suppose it is what it is.
Over the past period of time ex has said some very unkind things including he wished he had never of met me and so much more.
Just writing that has just brought back memories of all the awful things he has said. It makes me so damm cross and makes my stomach churn.

I would let him have his say and then upon my reply he wouldn’t listen or tell me to shut up, go away. I would tell him about what I thought of him saying those words. “ I don’t care” the reply would be.

I can stand up for myself.

We don’t have any joint bank accounts. Mortgage is in both our names and almost paid off.

He still hasn’t said anything to me regarding the tests. He looks very heavy eyed this morning.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 19/01/2021 09:11

So you are not allowed to voice your opinion or explain to him your hurt without him telling you to go away and he doesn't care.

Do you always go away when he tells you to.
What would happen in you stayed and tried to keep the conversation going.

Would he get very angry?

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 19/01/2021 09:35

@Onthedunes

As it stands i now only talk to him if I have too, which is very sad in its self. I don’t give him the opportunity to be unkind. He doesn’t care about anything to do with me.

I’ve come to realise that he only thinks about himself and what’s best for himself ( and his new GF )

Yesterday he asked if I had bought any more sugar. I said “ yes, it’s in the cupboard” he said “thank you”
Good job I was sitting down, I was shocked 😮

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 19/01/2021 09:41

Can he not move into his new girlfriend's house?

I know goes against everthing in human nature but would you be happier without him there? Have you got long to pay off the morgage.

This must be so hard living like this, what would he say if you sold the house earlier.

Do you think he would be fair financially when deviding assets?

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 19/01/2021 10:19

@Onthedunes

I would be happier if I didn’t live with Ex and even though I think I would be mentally prepared for this
I’m not so sure about DDs.

Mortgage should be paid off in approx 2 years. Which in any ‘normal’ situation is not long but in mine seems like a life time.

I think he would be fair with percentage of house.

With this medical problem presenting it’s self over the weekend it feels as though i’m on pause. Do this sound strange as he hasn’t even told me anything about it but I know all about it ?

So many different thoughts are going on in my mind.
I could potentially have a very unwell ex.
My DDs.
How this is already consuming me.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 19/01/2021 10:26

Have you thought about what might happen if he did become unwell?

Who would be expected to take care of him? Certainly the GF couldn't come to his house to fetch and carry cups of tea and meals up the stairs.

ElspethFlashman · 19/01/2021 10:27

My cynical mind suggests that the sudden "thank you" is because he is thinking of who might take care of him if he is unwell. Hmm

ElspethFlashman · 19/01/2021 10:28

I suspect if he does get some diagnosis then he will suddenly become very polite indeed!

And it will be utter selfish manipulation.

Onthedunes · 19/01/2021 10:30

Would you want to care for him, he certainly doesn't deserve care.

I should imagine you will find out soon enough if it is very serious.

RandomMess · 19/01/2021 10:32

You need to start living separately.

You buy food for you and the DC and he caters for himself including sugar. Split the food cupboards up.

I hope you aren't doing his washing and washing up?

The sooner his home life is less comfortable the sooner he will move out. He is being extremely unfair to the DC prolonging the current situation.

His health issues could be very minor. It would be beneficial for him to reassure DD1 but it seems like he doesn't actually care how they are at all.

ElspethFlashman · 19/01/2021 10:38

Or it could be bladder cancer!

Seriously, you have to think about that possibility and the implications for you on a day to day basis.

He suddenly won't wish he never met you then, will he? Hmm

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 19/01/2021 11:39

@ElspethFlashman

Have you thought about what might happen if he did become unwell?

Who would be expected to take care of him? Certainly the GF couldn't come to his house to fetch and carry cups of tea and meals up the stairs.

I have been thinking about this and No I definitely wouldn’t want his new GF here. No way.
OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 19/01/2021 11:48

@Onthedunes

Would you want to care for him, he certainly doesn't deserve care.

I should imagine you will find out soon enough if it is very serious.

@Onthedunes

I have mixed emotions about this.

I would never want to see anyone in pain or discomfort and not be able to help.

Would DDs want to see me help their Dad?

Would Ex want help from me ?

He certainly doesn’t want to share what is happening. I’m shut out at the moment. But this is happening in the house where I live.

He is my Ex.

Hopefully he will find out what is going on soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 19/01/2021 12:05

@RandomMess

You need to start living separately.

You buy food for you and the DC and he caters for himself including sugar. Split the food cupboards up.

I hope you aren't doing his washing and washing up?

The sooner his home life is less comfortable the sooner he will move out. He is being extremely unfair to the DC prolonging the current situation.

His health issues could be very minor. It would be beneficial for him to reassure DD1 but it seems like he doesn't actually care how they are at all.

@RandomMess

When I do the food shop it is for all of us however I don’t :
wash up his dishes,
change his bed,
hoover / polish his room,
do his washing,
do his ironing,
tidy up after him,
nothing.

I hope his health issue is only minor for both him and DDs sakes.

When I heard them talking last night and oldest DD asked him what the matter was ( when he was upset on the phone to new GF ) He did tell her ‘nothing for you to worry about’

He thinks that no one can hear him and no one (me ) knows what’s going on but like always he leaves a trail , as it where

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 19/01/2021 12:06

Thank you for reading and replying it’s appreciated

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/01/2021 12:09

Why are you still shopping for him? Are you still cooking for him?

Bythemillpond · 19/01/2021 12:11

Are you sure he hasn’t just got an STD.
I.e. chlamydia or gonorrhoea. Both have a symptom of blood in the urine.
Is he certain his gf isn’t just using him for a bit of fun?
I know one guy who left his wife and turned up at his gfs door bag in hand and she sent him packing as she had other bfs as well as him. To him it was a serious relationship to her he was just one of many

RandomMess · 19/01/2021 12:20

@Bythemillpond very good point I would get yourself checked out in case there was a cross over that you are completely unaware of!

Onthedunes · 19/01/2021 12:22

Please don't say you cook for him.

Nothing, you do nothing for him, he doesn't even speak to you with respect. I think you should speak to Women's Aid.

I'm sory op, but I'm concerned for you.
His attitude is one of not actually moving on but just having this GF and keeping the marital home and assets remaining the same, whilst you cook, housekeep and take care of your daughter.

What's he hoping to break you?,

so you end it, no one can stand this level of hurt, you sound totally defeated.
Your tone in your posts is of someone who has lost all confidence, no anger, no bitterness, you sound resigned.

You don't need to thank us for responding, I think it must be hard for you to open up, I should imagine you have not trusted anyone in a long time.

Original poster
Sadnessallaround · 19/01/2021 12:22

@RandomMess

Why are you still shopping for him? Are you still cooking for him?
The shopping has just continued but to be honest I hardly pick anything up for him.

He cooks all his own meals. I cook for DDs and me. I eat with DDs he eats separately and usually at a different time.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/01/2021 12:25

I really don't understand what difference holding out for the mortgage to be paid off makes? You can't owe that much plus it will take many months to get divorced.

If you wait too long you won't even be able to divorce him on grounds of adultery as too much time will have passed by!

SillyOldMummy · 19/01/2021 12:26

Your situation sounds like torture. I think you need to take charge. Being in limbo like this is awful. He needs to leave. If he wont leave then things must change.

Give him one shelf in the fridge, one in the freezer.
Stop buying his food.
Give him a list of chores.
Tell him he is doing the DDs' bedtime 3 nights a week on fixed days, and you should go out ( anywhere - supermarket, for a jog, a bike ride or a drive)
Take all his stuff out of the communal spaces and put it in his room. Say he can have one pair of shoes and one coat in the hall. As far as you are concerned he has left the home. Tell him you only want him coming into your home at agreed times, not waltzing in and out whenever he wants. Tell him he can have use of the lounge only when he is doing his 3 evenings with the girls. Otherwise you expect him to stay in his room, except to come out and make food and do his chores.

Onthedunes · 19/01/2021 12:30

I have a feeling this man, is the type of man that can't be told.

ElspethFlashman · 19/01/2021 13:02

@RandomMess

I really don't understand what difference holding out for the mortgage to be paid off makes? You can't owe that much plus it will take many months to get divorced.

If you wait too long you won't even be able to divorce him on grounds of adultery as too much time will have passed by!

Well the consensus seems to he that divorcing for adultery takes fwr longer, is more expensive, and is basically a waste of both time and money.

But otherwise, I agree I don't get why 2 years left on a mortgage is such an albatross around your neck.

RandomMess · 19/01/2021 13:08

Well he can't deny the adultery but if it's easier go for unreasonable behaviour as he is displaying plenty of it.

Please get the ball rolling I doubt you will have come to financial settlement and divorced within 6 months!