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Original poster

Calling out this man for his shitty behaviour is a terrible idea isn't it.

478 replies

VotNow · 02/12/2020 22:10

Casual relationship. We agreed to be FWB. This was preceded by a couple of months heavy flirting during which he gave every impression of being very attracted to me. He even told someone else he fancied me (who then told me.) All the body language, the catching him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking, the finding excuses to be around me and stand close to me, the playful flirty joking around.

He said he only wanted sex from the start. Fine. I wanted sex with him too. But he was a dreadful FWB. The first time we hooked up he basically told me it was time for me to go after we were finished. I put my foot down and told him I expected to be treated with respect and kindness, even in a casual relationship, and he seemed to get a little better. The second time we got together he made me food and we spent more time talking etc. I was happy enough with that. But he reverted back to being disrespectful and rude again. Ignoring messages when it suited him. Texting at 11.45pm at night (which to be fair, I ignored because I'm not going round at that time.)

The last time we got together was after I had backed off a fair bit. We bumped into eachother and one thing led to another. I still fancied him a lot. But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.

We talked and I made it clear that this was unnacceptable to me. That I had been looking forward to some hot sex with someone who would be my friend. I told him that although I was happy with casual and knew we would not be serious, that I thought we had real chemistry. He shook his head and just said we should call it a day. Basically said that I had only been a willing vagina rather than someone he felt an actual connection with.

Well of course I agree that if it's going to be like this then we should call it a day. But I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong? It stings and humiliates like buggery.

And I feel furious. With myself for not dumping his arse far sooner, but also with him. I feel he has treated me like shit. The only decent thing he has ever done is end things definitively rather than just ghosting me.

What I want to do is tell him off. Send him a message telling him he's a shit. That decent men are able to treat casual partners decently while maintaining the necessary boundaries. I want to tell him he's immature and that I deserved better.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it. He will probably just tell himself I'm crazy and that I lurve him (I don't.) And considering I haven't contacted him in any way for almost a week since he ended things, if I message now I'm just going to look like I'm still thinking about it (I am but perhaps he does not need to know this.)

How to handle. We're not strangers and are still going to see eachother about.

OP posts:
Tierful · 03/12/2020 16:54

He’s sounds like a total dick and you’re well rid.

I won’t hesitate to let mutual acquaintances know what a crap shag he is though if the opportunity arises.

Shortfeet · 03/12/2020 19:37

And as always the man haters are out in force extrapolating that he is a crap shag despite OP not mentioning this once.

category12 · 03/12/2020 19:49

@Shortfeet

And as always the man haters are out in force extrapolating that he is a crap shag despite OP not mentioning this once.
Well, OP did say *if he had said to me, "What I want is to have sex in which I focus mainly on my own needs ..." which suggests the sex wasn't great for her.
Sssloou · 03/12/2020 19:55

@Shortfeet

And as always the man haters are out in force extrapolating that he is a crap shag despite OP not mentioning this once.
The OP said:

”But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.”

She didn’t sound very satisfied.

Purplealienpuke · 03/12/2020 20:08

Basically he wanted an unpaid escort.
He wanted to dictate the narrative.
You however wanted a fwb.
He was/is a tosser with no respect.
Definitely don't message him and ignore him in future if possible if you see him around.
If you meet someone else with whom you want a fwb arrangement then the best way forward is to discuss your expectations with each other and agree on what suits you both.
It can work (it does for me anyway)
💐💐💐 for you because your definitely worth more than that

Original poster
VotNow · 03/12/2020 20:11

The last time wasn't great. The times before alcohol was involved and this appears to interfere with his sexual response to the point that he can go for hours without ejaculating. Tbh I assumed it was death grip. But then I had sex with him sober and... oh.

It also seems he gets pretty easily aroused. When we were discussing going home together the last time we were in a public place with others milling around. We decided to go back to his and then the conversation moved onto other things. All of a sudden he said, "Sorry Vot you're going to have to stop talking to me." He was getting an erection (presumably in anticipation and excitement) and needed to go off and take a few deep breaths and try to calm down.

OP posts:
Original poster
VotNow · 03/12/2020 20:14

He also claimed to have accidentally deleted my number, which seems unlikely to me. It's not a one step process is it? And it would have been in his contacts as well as on a text thread.

I think he'd deleted my number (and probably decided not to see me again) because I'd ignored him the last time he'd tried to hook up. And then changed his mind when we discussed it in person. Only to realise I still wanted more than he was prepared to offer, despite my having backed off.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 03/12/2020 20:16

Sounds like a coke head. Definitely sexually and emotionally deficient.

Sssloou · 03/12/2020 20:21

if he had said he just wanted to fuck, focusing almost entirely on his own needs, at any time of his choosing, and then have me leave without a word, I would never have agreed to it. Who would? Nobody.

No not nobody - an escort may oblige.

There was no buddy / friends / benefits in this transaction.

Christmasnightmare · 03/12/2020 20:22

Votnow I would not hesitate to mention to shared hobby acquaintances that you had tried to be FWB but he wasn’t much of a lover. I think that’s the truth, isn’t it?

Honeyroar · 03/12/2020 20:37

That would be an interesting conversation at a hobby meeting! If someone started talking about how they’d wanted a no strings shag type relationship with another member of the group and talking about their performance I’d be like “eew, TMI, can we just play badminton (or whatever the hobby is)!”

lemonsquashie · 03/12/2020 20:38

I think you like him more than you realise
The feelings are not reciprocated.

Move on.

When he thinks you're no longer interested, he'll turn the charm back on. The chemistry you felt will come back

You'll be tempted

Stay strong

Original poster
VotNow · 03/12/2020 20:49

Yeah, criticising someone's performance to mutual acquaintances isn't something I'd do (although joking about it on here is satisfying and I certainly appreciate the support.) I wouldn't want him talking to his friends about what I was like in bed. In reality that sort of revenge is a bad look I think.

Besides, I feel embarrassed at the way I have been treated - diminished somehow. Not because I had casual sex (I'd do that again tomorrow with someone respectful) but by his callousness. I feel like a disposable tissue that he blew his nose on. I'm not about to start telling people!

OP posts:
honeylulu · 03/12/2020 21:29

I get it OP. Friends with Benefits. Friends = plural. Both friends should get the benefits surely!

Sounds like he got his orgasm but couldn't be arsed to make sure you had one too. Then to add insult to injury, he immediately dismisses you from his presence. He might as well say "you have served your purpose as a wank sock". Neither friend nor benefit!

Honeyroar · 03/12/2020 21:29

Don’t feel embarrassed. He was the one who was cold, you were just yourself. You just weren’t on the same page, it just didn’t work. Just enjoy your hobby and if it’s ever mentioned just say, oh that didn’t work, or it ran its course. Hold your head up and enjoy your hobby.

TwentyViginti · 03/12/2020 21:31

Oh men, sex and alcohol. They either can't start or can't stop!

Not sure which is worse tbh Grin

GreenlandTheMovie · 03/12/2020 21:37

Honeyroar That would be an interesting conversation at a hobby meeting! If someone started talking about how they’d wanted a no strings shag type relationship with another member of the group and talking about their performance I’d be like “eew, TMI, can we just play badminton (or whatever the hobby is)!”

I do two hobbies and socialise with the people that do them. While we wouldn't be so graphic as to discuss sexual performance, we certainly discuss the opposite sex, particularly single men, as in whether they might be boyfriend/husband material.

I've certainly been warned about certain serial shaggers, which has been incredibly useful - one particular man, late fifties so not tempted anyway, kept messaging me to meet him to do the hobby alone and I kept making excuses. When I mentioned to a couple of people that also did the hobby how I found this a bit odd, they warned me about his reputation. The type thats likely had STDs and slept with hordes of women. They also mentioned another name, a friend of his whom I also knew and who, ironically, comes across as quite shy and boyish! So I knew I didn't have to bother being polite in response to his messages and blocked him, but told him why first!

I was also warned about a man who was physically abusive to another partner, but he dropped out of the hobby a few years ago.

Word does often get around.

Thewithesarehere · 03/12/2020 21:40

See i think friendship and great sex is basically love. That's the gold dust of a successful long term relationship.
This.

pictish · 03/12/2020 21:41

I think you’re annoyed with yourself because you had the plain measure of him after he dismissed you post fuck the first time. He showed you his hand and you kept going back for more. When you eventually said you expected more respect, he responded by calling it off. That’s how much he values you as a fuck or a friend.
I’d be pissed off too but you won’t get any joy from telling him off or whatever...he’ll ignore it and you’ll feel like an even bigger mug for letting him see you care.
You should’ve turned your heel the first time. I bet if you come across this again, you will.

Mycastle · 03/12/2020 21:43

He should have just got a blow up doll if that is what he thinks a FWB is.

He was shit OP. He enjoyed the chase and probably got a kick out of making you feel like shit after too.

I’m not a big fan of stuff upper lip/dignified silence - especially with me as they don’t give a shit anyway.

I’d send a scathing message to get it off your chest then quickly block him so he can’t reply Grin

Specialcommunicator · 03/12/2020 21:47

I haven't read past the first page but he sounds like a rubbish lover. Good riddance.

Life's too short to have sex where your needs aren't catered to. What's the point?

ButterflyBitch · 03/12/2020 21:53

Yanbu. I had a fwb a million years ago before I was married and we had a great time. Sex, talking, chilling out. The last time we had sex he was colder, distant and when he’d finished he just kinda indicated I should go. I was really hurt that he’d been so dismissive and for the first time I felt used. Years later he apologised for the way he treated me that night, he’d been going through some shit and went into self destruct mode I think. We are still friends though no longer with benefits as we are both married to other people.
Totally understand where you’re coming from and you should definitely ignore him as he just sounds like a wanker.

happinessischocolate · 03/12/2020 22:10

Reading how it ended I don't think you need to contact him anyway. I think you've left with you're head held high and he can just fuck off 😁

If/when you see him again I wouldn't blank him as that would give the impression you're upset, I'd just be polite in the same way you are to any other stranger that youre not particularly interested in.

And yeah I agree that FWB stands for FRIENDS with benefits, or even if you're just a FB then you still treat them with respect.

Honeyroar · 03/12/2020 22:19

@GreenlandTheMovie yes I take your point about being warned about abusive men or men that shag around by pretending to be Mr perfect, but it seems a bit different when the people have agreed to have an agreed no future hook up. While the guy doesn’t sound particularly nice, he hadn’t exactly cheated on a girlfriend. Much better to chalk it up as a pile of shit and move on rather than making a public drama out of it by discussing it.

CanimalTea · 03/12/2020 22:25

I’ve read through all the posts because I have nothing better to do on my Thursday night...

The difference in views is always interesting but what is the most shocking here is that a PP suggested that women who have and want casual sex either have mental health issues or have no morals...

Casual, NSA sex might be cool to some but I don't think it's generally considered that healthy mentally. Or at least, while there are of course exceptions, it often correlates with personality or MH disorders, disordered patterns of thinking, previous abuse, and such like. it correlates to a lack of responsiveness to social expectations and a lack of shame/conscience.

Talk about taking slut shaming to a new level! On a post where OP has complained about a man treating her disrespectfully, you have other women doing the exact same thing because women aren’t conformed to their expectations on how women should behave.

The more we talk about other women this way, the more it allows men to keep slut shaming women, and getting away with it! Let’s try and be kinder to each other, eh!