Calling out this man for his shitty behaviour is a terrible idea isn't it.

[VotNow]

Casual relationship. We agreed to be FWB. This was preceded by a couple of months heavy flirting during which he gave every impression of being very attracted to me. He even told someone else he fancied me (who then told me.) All the body language, the catching him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking, the finding excuses to be around me and stand close to me, the playful flirty joking around.

He said he only wanted sex from the start. Fine. I wanted sex with him too. But he was a dreadful FWB. The first time we hooked up he basically told me it was time for me to go after we were finished. I put my foot down and told him I expected to be treated with respect and kindness, even in a casual relationship, and he seemed to get a little better. The second time we got together he made me food and we spent more time talking etc. I was happy enough with that. But he reverted back to being disrespectful and rude again. Ignoring messages when it suited him. Texting at 11.45pm at night (which to be fair, I ignored because I'm not going round at that time.)

The last time we got together was after I had backed off a fair bit. We bumped into eachother and one thing led to another. I still fancied him a lot. But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.

We talked and I made it clear that this was unnacceptable to me. That I had been looking forward to some hot sex with someone who would be my friend. I told him that although I was happy with casual and knew we would not be serious, that I thought we had real chemistry. He shook his head and just said we should call it a day. Basically said that I had only been a willing vagina rather than someone he felt an actual connection with.

Well of course I agree that if it's going to be like this then we should call it a day. But I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong? It stings and humiliates like buggery.

And I feel furious. With myself for not dumping his arse far sooner, but also with him. I feel he has treated me like shit. The only decent thing he has ever done is end things definitively rather than just ghosting me.

What I want to do is tell him off. Send him a message telling him he's a shit. That decent men are able to treat casual partners decently while maintaining the necessary boundaries. I want to tell him he's immature and that I deserved better.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it. He will probably just tell himself I'm crazy and that I lurve him (I don't.) And considering I haven't contacted him in any way for almost a week since he ended things, if I message now I'm just going to look like I'm still thinking about it (I am but perhaps he does not need to know this.)

How to handle. We're not strangers and are still going to see eachother about.

Well I do still want him, in the sense that I do still find him physically attractive. However I do not want what he's offering. It's worse than nothing. I also think he's got a bloody nerve after everything he's said.

He's incredibly engaging when he's in flirt mode though and hard to blank. I'm afraid my own still attracted body language may leak out inadvertently.

@VotNow

Well I do still want him, in the sense that I do still find him physically attractive. However I do not want what he's offering. It's worse than nothing. I also think he's got a bloody nerve after everything he's said.

He's incredibly engaging when he's in flirt mode though and hard to blank. I'm afraid my own still attracted body language may leak out inadvertently.

Then you need to get to a point where your disdain for a man who has made you feel like shit repeatedly outweighs the temporary charm he uses when he wants to have sex with you. Come on, you've really worked through some stuff on this thread re thought processes and knowing what you do / don't want, what you can / can't cope with. You know he won't make you happy. You know he doesn't want what you want. You know he has made you feel like you've been picked up and dropped a few times.

You should have the ick that he's sniffing around you again after you decided it was a never again situation.

Come on - big girl pants on now and don't perpetuate this cycle that is now completely in your control. Just don't even entertain the idea - no games, no anything. Be indifferent and distant because there's no need to be anything else with him - he is irrelevant to your life now!

I'm not entertaining the idea of sleeping with him again - that's a total no-no. Just too humiliating to go back there after everything he said and after having decided what he's offering is unnacceptable to me.

Just saying I do still find him physically attractive. Have not yet got to the ick stage, although I do feel angry. Who the hell does he think he is stepping to me again? Must think a great deal of himself musn't he.

OP I think you have had a hard time from some posters, I think he was behaving unacceptably and, in his actions, has already told you what he thinks of you. No amount of flirting should turn your head now that you know he basically wants to treat you like an unpaid prostitute. He might as well have a preprogrammed sex doll.

@VotNow

I'm not entertaining the idea of sleeping with him again - that's a total no-no. Just too humiliating to go back there after everything he said and after having decided what he's offering is unnacceptable to me.

Just saying I do still find him physically attractive. Have not yet got to the ick stage, although I do feel angry. Who the hell does he think he is stepping to me again? Must think a great deal of himself musn't he.

I guess there are famous men I can see are objectively really attractive but I still wouldn't want to shag them if I thought they were gross to women / nasty / would make me feel shit etc. When you feel like you still find him attractive, you need to focus in your own mind on the way he made you feel about yourself, how incensed you were that he expected you to be someone he could pick up and throw away as and when and also how much headspace he's taken up considering he sounds like nothing special and you can do much better - and will! No matter how fit or surface level charming he is, he made you feel really shit and really unattractive, more than once. Fuck him off, he's not your mate and he's not anything more. Onwards and upwards!

He is sniffing around again to see what your boundaries are. How long between the first time he behaved badly and the second meet up? If he knows after a couple of weeks you will have calmed down and do it all again, you will be stuck on a rinse repeat cycle.
Highly unlikely he thinks he has made a mistake. He fully intends to rekindle the arrangement on his terms.
Don't go there. He treated you appallingly.

About four weeks between the 1st time he was awful and the 2nd when he was (only temporarily it turned out) much better - he was on a course in another country for some of that time.

My theory is he ended things in a fit of post orgasmic clarity/sense - now his balls have filled up again. Why doesn't he just have a wank fgs?

Just tell him to go away, you don’t want annoying thanks. And say you mean it, go away, I’m not interested anymore.

Do not let him play these stupid games with you.

@VotNow

About four weeks between the 1st time he was awful and the 2nd when he was (only temporarily it turned out) much better - he was on a course in another country for some of that time.

My theory is he ended things in a fit of post orgasmic clarity/sense - now his balls have filled up again. Why doesn't he just have a wank fgs?

He will be wanking. And also breadcrumbing the women he's shagged relatively recently to see who he thinks will be easy to shag again. He's basic and childish but his sex life and the motivations for his behaviour don't need to be your concern now, let the headspace go honestly. It doesn't matter who / what he wants and why. All that matters is that you don't want him and need to act accordingly.

"Nah (flirty look) just thought I'd come and annoy you for a bit."

He’s quite a nasty piece of work isn’t he - probably has to go on the attack because he knows you know he is emotionally and sexually inadequate.

Think it’s interesting that when you met before it was all fine as you were indifference - I think he wasn’t expecting that - he probably thought he had kicked you hard and you would be hurting......seems that he has had switch tack again (flirty) to get back in control.

He’s a knob and a bore who alongside his emotionally and sexually inadequacies can only operate in two gear - flirty or shirty.

Ugly and unevolved.

You wanted great sex and he just wanted a quick shag. Both are poles apart. Ignore him and eventually he will go away. Start looking for another FWB.

I think he just enjoys the chase, the less interested you are at the beginning the more of a challenge you are and then once he's got you he loses all interested to the point of being an absolute arsehole.

I think that you're going to have to actually ridicule or insult him to get rid of him as he'll always see you as a fun challenge when he's bored.

I've been there and it's frustrating that your body still fancies them then your brain is going "fuck no"

He enjoyed the chase, but once he'd caught you he lost interest. Of course he made an effort to charm you, in the beginning - he wasn't about to show you his true colours back then, or he'd never have got you into bed. He's not unusual, there are lots of men like this.

Block him and keep your distance. You will probably find that once you've lost interest in him he will come crawling back, when he's feeling horny. That's when you can casually tell him you're not interested, as you now have someone else who fulfils your sex needs. (Doesn't matter if you don't - you'll feel strangely satisfied when you deliver this line.) Trust me... I've been there (many years ago, when I was single).

If I were in your situation, I'd avoid any social gathering where you're likely to come into contact with him. Give zero fucks, OP, think about how much emotional energy and analysis he is investing in this situation - absolutely none.

What's more, you now know it's all a complete act, he's turning on the "charm" like a light switch, how fake and unauthentic is he. As shallow as a muddy puddle.

He sounds like a deeply unpleasant person, clueless as to the needs of others (he cannot surely be that thick as mince that he doesn't realise he has screwed up!).

You're an intelligent woman, if you do choose to FWB, make sure it isn't with him!

He really is an arsehole isn't he.

I think he thought I was going to chase him. He wasn't expecting me to just let him go.

@VotNow

I think he thought I was going to chase him. He wasn't expecting me to just let him go.

Agree. This has confused him. He loved seeing you riled as this made him feel superior.

Anyhoo - enough analysis paralysis about him - even though it’s a emotionally dramatic diversionary place to be. What about YOU - what have you learnt about yourself in this encounter - your triggers, needs, reactions, responses - focus on YOUR strengths and personal challenging areas for you. Take a look at any patterns - warts and all. That’s all that matters.

Reflect, change, grow.

Aaaaand, I've just had a message through: Do I fancy meeting up one night this week?

WTF? No mention of the fact that he ended things, just do I want to meet up? Three days before Christmas. I'm gobsmacked tbh. I haven't answered. No idea what to say - whether to just ignore, give it a light hearted nah, or have a right go.

I thought leaving it quite a few hours before replying: It's three days until Christmas - bit busy tbh.

Thought this kind of indifference might sting more than a sulky silence.

Don’t say you’re a bit busy (implies you would if you had time). Just say no, you’re not interested. Simple. (and hopefully true)

What about:

Sorry I'd rather call it a day, thanks.

?

Oh no, OP. Just ignore him!!! No need to reply.

Look, as attractive as you find him, you mustn't forget this is a man who picks you up and puts you down as he sees fit. It isn't a mutually respectful FWB arrangement. Which is why you started this thread in the first place.

The reason I had initially suggested blocking is because he has this effect on you. Where you'll be fine for weeks, then he'll throw you a bone and all the agitation, anxiety, questioning will come back. Why do this to yourself! You can be civil with him at your hobby and still not have him blocked on WhatsApp.

Please don't reply. Don't wonder why he's doing what he's doing. All that matters is he doesn't leave you feeling good. And you should love and respect yourself enough to tell any man who comes and goes as he pleases, to get to F. Not reply and not waste any energy thinking about them.

Still have him blocked

And it's such a myth that silence will affect him more.

What you're missing is, he doesn't care. He's sent that same message to other girls and someone will bite. So he isn't thinking at all whether you texted indifference or didn't text at all. He won't even notice tbh. In fact if you make the effort of replying, he knows you're open to keeping communication alive. He'll keep hitting you up every month till you either tell him to F off or block him.

Silence is still better. He may be trying his luck just with you or with others too. The point is not to give him any more of your time or attention.