Calling out this man for his shitty behaviour is a terrible idea isn't it.

[VotNow]

Casual relationship. We agreed to be FWB. This was preceded by a couple of months heavy flirting during which he gave every impression of being very attracted to me. He even told someone else he fancied me (who then told me.) All the body language, the catching him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking, the finding excuses to be around me and stand close to me, the playful flirty joking around.

He said he only wanted sex from the start. Fine. I wanted sex with him too. But he was a dreadful FWB. The first time we hooked up he basically told me it was time for me to go after we were finished. I put my foot down and told him I expected to be treated with respect and kindness, even in a casual relationship, and he seemed to get a little better. The second time we got together he made me food and we spent more time talking etc. I was happy enough with that. But he reverted back to being disrespectful and rude again. Ignoring messages when it suited him. Texting at 11.45pm at night (which to be fair, I ignored because I'm not going round at that time.)

The last time we got together was after I had backed off a fair bit. We bumped into eachother and one thing led to another. I still fancied him a lot. But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.

We talked and I made it clear that this was unnacceptable to me. That I had been looking forward to some hot sex with someone who would be my friend. I told him that although I was happy with casual and knew we would not be serious, that I thought we had real chemistry. He shook his head and just said we should call it a day. Basically said that I had only been a willing vagina rather than someone he felt an actual connection with.

Well of course I agree that if it's going to be like this then we should call it a day. But I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong? It stings and humiliates like buggery.

And I feel furious. With myself for not dumping his arse far sooner, but also with him. I feel he has treated me like shit. The only decent thing he has ever done is end things definitively rather than just ghosting me.

What I want to do is tell him off. Send him a message telling him he's a shit. That decent men are able to treat casual partners decently while maintaining the necessary boundaries. I want to tell him he's immature and that I deserved better.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it. He will probably just tell himself I'm crazy and that I lurve him (I don't.) And considering I haven't contacted him in any way for almost a week since he ended things, if I message now I'm just going to look like I'm still thinking about it (I am but perhaps he does not need to know this.)

How to handle. We're not strangers and are still going to see eachother about.

Bluntness I’m not sure why I keep interacting I am fairly sure you’re taking the piss now.

But this is literally how you interact with posters on here, day after day. You quote them and then pull to pieces their viewpoints in quite a cruel way.

And that was in reference to a poster who said she didn’t know how it worked, as you know full well*

No, it was odd to use films or tv as your point of reference.

And what does it matter how taxis work. They don’t work better becayse you stuck your hand out and took a tenner from the bloke to pay for it.

A man has never offered to pay for a taxi for you? You poor thing! You seem to lack a lot of the usual life experiences most of us have had. In actual fact, he was very insistent and apologetic that he couldnt drive me home safely, and put the money in my bag. It was all slightly awkward, but slightly sweet as well. But I really can't understand how you can go seamlessly from sex, to throwing your clothes on to getting the taxi, without any delay, if you're not even afforded a cup of tea afterwards. I don't see how you can wait in someone's house for the taxi if you can't do anything like drink a cup of tea there. It doesn't make sense.

I think you were overly engaged with the "F" part of fwb. He was focussed on the "B". He's a twat, but I'd just move on. This is why I dont do fwb/nsa - too much room for differing expectations.

You're backpedalling Greenland. You implied that Bluntless and I were men because we disagreed with your comments. You said the language we used was language that men use, because referring to another woman as "she" is somehow exclusive to the male population.

You were also very clear in your previous posts. You put down women who have and enjoy casual sex.

You said that women who have casual sex have low standards and bars. You said women who have casual sex have no morals or conscience.

You said women who have casual sex show a lack of responsiveness to social norms, thereby playing into the narrative of how women are meant to behave in society.

You pitied women who said they are ok with a just sex relationship with someone. Your comment to one such person was "What on earth has happened to you to make you think like this?", as though there is something wrong with her.

You also complained that this was no longer a safe space for women, failing to see it was you that was putting women down in this group, not others. It was you who shamed women for their choices. No one has shamed women who don't have casual sex for choosing not to do so, but you have shamed women who do.

So yes. It is YOU that is slut shaming women. It is YOU that is enforcing the problematic societal expectations of what women can and can't do. It is YOU that is putting other women down.

Other PPs have called you out on this, yet I note you never responded to any of them.

Women can choose to have sex with whoever they like, when they like. Whether a woman wants to never have sex or enjoy a different sexual encounter every week, it is her body, her choice, and you have no right to shame her and criticise her for it.

NotPrude You're backpedalling Greenland.

No, I'm not. You are however baiting and derailing the thread to suit your own agenda, which seems to be promote the benefits of casual sex for some reason.

You actually seem pretty obsessed with promoting the idea that men should be able to have casual sex with women, even if women don't like casual sex and find it a negative experience. In fact, you think women are wrong to complain about that when it happens.

Am I right in that impression I have formed of you, or am I misled? Because to me you have quite the little fantasy going on in your mind of how women should behave and you like to "crack down" on anyone who disagrees with you, by trying to ridicule them.

You implied that Bluntless and I were men because we disagreed with your comments. You said the language we used was language that men use, because referring to another woman as "she" is somehow exclusive to the male population.

I implied nothing of the sort. I have no idea who is a man and who is a woman on here at all. Honestly wouldn't hazard a guess one way or the other. Its the internet. What does it matter?

Also, what difference does it make whether the man wines and dines you beforehand?

Either way, he puts his penis inside you just the one time, and then you go your separate ways. He may call and say hello a few weeks after, but the concept is the same. You have sex and you go your separate ways.

Trying to glamorise it into dinner and wine and romance doesn't make the end goal different. Yes, some women need that to feel comfortable to have sex with the guy in the first place (and that is completely fine), but it makes no difference at all...it is still casual sex at the end of the day.

In fact, a FWB / FB relationship where it's just sex can be more secure and trusting, because you are seeing each other regularly and you trust each other more because you see each other regularly.

Notprude, I’d not bother anymore, I think he or she is taking rhe piss now.

NotPrude Also, what difference does it make whether the man wines and dines you beforehand?

I really think the answer to your question is that many people feel more comfortable with that. And perhaps some men need to do that to get a woman to have sex with him, because as multiple threads demonstrate on here, a text or WhatsApp to invite someone over for sex (particularly someone who is a relative stranger) don't get men anywhere much of the time. Whereas an invitation to dinner sounds much more appealing.

But thats not what happened here, because the OP already knew the guy quite well through their mutual hobby and the flirting took place over 2 months, not over dinner.

@GreenlandTheMovie

Have you honestly forgotten what you've posted...?

Please also tell me where I've said men should be able to have casual sex with women, even if women don't like casual sex and find it a negative experience. I have said nothing of the sort. Stop lying please.

I have clearly, and repeatedly, said women should be able to have casual sex without people like you shaming them.

You appear to think that because I said the man in OP's situation has done nothing wrong, I am somehow saying men should have casual sex whenever they want, even if it upsets the woman? No...the man made it clear to OP that he wanted just sex. The OP wanted more. They were mismatched, end of. At no point did I say she should have carried on sleeping with him when it became a negative experience for her because he wanted just sex. In fact, OP's issue was she went back to him willingly.

I simply don't agree with the narrative that we must immediately blame the man when he made his intentions clear to OP from even before they had sex. But please, seeing as you're saying I have said otherwise, show me.

I’ve been accused of all sorts of made up bullshit. If it wasn’t so obvious to everyone it was made up bullshit Greenland has imagined I’d be maybe bothered, honestly I’d not worry that he or she is making up stuff about posters. 😂

NotPrude I have not posted anything intended to be offensive, but you have constantly tried to belittle anyone who disagrees with you and misquoted their posts so as to make them sound bad.

I will say it yet again. Nothing wrong with casual sex. Not keen on multiple casual sex partners. No shaming of anyone but not generally considered a good thing by many professionals who work in related fields either. Quite a standard view. Exceptions exist.

@Bluntness100

You're right...I shouldn't bother. Come to think of it, she must be a troll, because she keeps backpedalling on everything she's said, when it's there for her to see what she's said.

I simply can't stand people who shame women because they want to have sex. It's a concept so ingrained in society to this day, and it's worse when it comes from women towards women.

It's Friday night, so I am going to go and have a nice bath before DH cooks me a nice steak!

Have a good evening Bluntness!

@GreenlandTheMovie

Again, tell me where I have done that? I have not belittled anyone. Is this where you're confused again about who said what?

My only issue here is you and your shaming of women, which you deny. You can claim that you have not shamed, but saying women who have casual sex have low standards, no morals, and have something wrong with them and then asking a PP what has happened to them to make them like that when they say they're ok with casual sex is shaming. That is what you said, it has not been misquoted. That is shaming, and that is not acceptable.

I have never had one night stand myself (but I have had a FB and FWB relationships), but I will defend a woman's right to have one if she chooses without other people shaming them for it. I will defend a woman if she wants to stay a virgin until her wedding night and I will defend a woman if she wants to sleep with a stranger every week, as long as she's being safe. For too long men in society have told women what they can and can't do, and that needs to change.

Good night Greenland.

Just ghost him

I thought your hubby was cooking you a "nice steak" NotPrude.

You've devoted paragraphs of nonsense to attacking me, because I dared to disagree with your viewpoint that women can't object to men who treat them badly after sex.

You also go on and on about the "shaming of women" so much that it seems to be an excuse to use the term. I don't know how many times you have used the phrase "shaming of women" on this thread, but it must be between 20 and 30 times. Possibly more. Any excuse to use that phrase and any other cliche that pops into your mind. You are particularly fond of slipping the word "slut" in there too.

And Bluntness, you have been extremely vocal about your Fuck Buddy situationship and explained in detail how you get dressed and leave immediately after sex. I'm sorry if that didn't lead to everyone thinking "Wow, thats so cool, I really admire that" in the way you imagined it would. I'm not criticising you either, it just definately wouldn't do anything for me.

He was disrespectful to you. This is not how you treat a friend.

But are you sure you haven't got a crush on him?

Not prude enjoy the steak!

And Bluntness, you have been extremely vocal about your Fuck Buddy situationship and explained in detail how you get dressed and leave immediately after sex

Wtaf.? Are you drunk? I’ve been with my husband for 31 years since I was twenty I posted no such thing, 😂

I am sad that the chap has been painted with the fucked up/commitmentphobe/terrified of closeness etc brush.

All because there was not a clear understanding reached between the pair of them.

Did he cover himself in glory? Probably not. But the lack of understanding is on both parties.
Not just him.

It should be discussed beforehand if there is an expectation of more.

But if he was judged to be fucked up on that misunderstanding alone then that is unfair. And if a whiff of fucked up was sniffed before hand, then it may have been a poor choice of person to have this sort of arrangement with.

Well I think this thread has gone about as well as my attempt at a FWB arrangement.

But he was not being a bastard.

Yes. He. Was. If we had been among a group of mutual friends in the pub and he had spoken/acted towards one of them the way he did towards me there would have been raised eyebrows and perhaps mutters of "not sure that was strictly necessary mate." What is it about the fact that he had sex with me that makes it ok?

All the semantics on here. I wanted a relationship apparently (no I didn't - not my idea of a relationship), or I wanted FWB while he wanted FB, or NSA or something else. It's all just words. ALL I WANTED WAS A BIT OF FUCKING RESPECT. I AM ENTITLED TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. HAVING SEX DOESN'T MEAN THAT SUDDENLY NONE OF THE RULES OF HUMAN INTERACTION APPLY.

And that's my last word on the matter.

I agree with you. They are all deliberately missing the point because they want to debate something else instead.
You are right.

I'd just like to know..Was he good in bed

I think I know this guy! Had almost the same experience a few years ago, including the eye contact and long period of build up/ almost like seduction and then crap sex and the sudden dismissal. I think I wouldn’t have minded the bad manners of leaving straight after if the sex had been good!

Agree with what you say OP about feeling diminished somehow and embarrassed. I was just out of a very long term relationship and hadn’t encountered this type of thing before. I also agree OP that it’s not about wanting more than casual sex, it’s about his abrupt change in behaviour and callousness that is such a head fuck.

@VotNow

Well I think this thread has gone about as well as my attempt at a FWB arrangement.

But he was not being a bastard.

Yes. He. Was. If we had been among a group of mutual friends in the pub and he had spoken/acted towards one of them the way he did towards me there would have been raised eyebrows and perhaps mutters of "not sure that was strictly necessary mate." What is it about the fact that he had sex with me that makes it ok?

All the semantics on here. I wanted a relationship apparently (no I didn't - not my idea of a relationship), or I wanted FWB while he wanted FB, or NSA or something else. It's all just words. ALL I WANTED WAS A BIT OF FUCKING RESPECT. I AM ENTITLED TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. HAVING SEX DOESN'T MEAN THAT SUDDENLY NONE OF THE RULES OF HUMAN INTERACTION APPLY.

And that's my last word on the matter.

ALL I WANTED WAS A BIT OF FUCKING RESPECT. I AM ENTITLED TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. HAVING SEX DOESN'T MEAN THAT SUDDENLY NONE OF THE RULES OF HUMAN INTERACTION APPLY'

Yup. We hear that. However you were not clear and \respect' means many things to many people.
If you are gonna-go have wild casual sex with someone then in your book you are gonna have to say ' well I expect you to hold me in bed for x time, then do y and don't do this....
Your expectations are not his. Just because you have them and hold them dearly does not make them right. Look at it from his point of view too.

For the record. I drove myself to and from my fuck buddy. I got there and back under my own steam.

Op, I think everyone gets how upset and gutted you are and we all feel for you. You had high hopes, loved the build up and now you’ve been let down as your expectations and wants not met.

But there are three things to get on board with

If a man says just sex, and you want more then clarify what he means. Don’t just say yes and assume.

Secondly, wanting dinner, drinks, over night stays, and cuddles every couple of weeks is in fact a relationship. I don’t understand how you perceive it not to be. However you do perceive it not to be.

Thirdly if you like someone and want to be with them, then be honest about it with him and you. And don’t settle for less.

So next time clarify and be up front.

He wasn’t the one, it wasn’t what you hoped for, either of you, so time to brush yourself off snd move on.