Calling out this man for his shitty behaviour is a terrible idea isn't it.

[VotNow]

Casual relationship. We agreed to be FWB. This was preceded by a couple of months heavy flirting during which he gave every impression of being very attracted to me. He even told someone else he fancied me (who then told me.) All the body language, the catching him watching me when he thought I wasn't looking, the finding excuses to be around me and stand close to me, the playful flirty joking around.

He said he only wanted sex from the start. Fine. I wanted sex with him too. But he was a dreadful FWB. The first time we hooked up he basically told me it was time for me to go after we were finished. I put my foot down and told him I expected to be treated with respect and kindness, even in a casual relationship, and he seemed to get a little better. The second time we got together he made me food and we spent more time talking etc. I was happy enough with that. But he reverted back to being disrespectful and rude again. Ignoring messages when it suited him. Texting at 11.45pm at night (which to be fair, I ignored because I'm not going round at that time.)

The last time we got together was after I had backed off a fair bit. We bumped into eachother and one thing led to another. I still fancied him a lot. But this time he came really quickly (unlike him) and then basically announced - like the first time we got together - that he was done and it was time for me to go now.

We talked and I made it clear that this was unnacceptable to me. That I had been looking forward to some hot sex with someone who would be my friend. I told him that although I was happy with casual and knew we would not be serious, that I thought we had real chemistry. He shook his head and just said we should call it a day. Basically said that I had only been a willing vagina rather than someone he felt an actual connection with.

Well of course I agree that if it's going to be like this then we should call it a day. But I remember back to when we were flirting and how he couldn't do enough for me - getting me drinks and making me coffees at our shared hobby. Always finding excuses to hang around me. The flirting. The staring as I walked past. You don't fake that sort of body language - I now feel so confused. How could I have got it so wrong? It stings and humiliates like buggery.

And I feel furious. With myself for not dumping his arse far sooner, but also with him. I feel he has treated me like shit. The only decent thing he has ever done is end things definitively rather than just ghosting me.

What I want to do is tell him off. Send him a message telling him he's a shit. That decent men are able to treat casual partners decently while maintaining the necessary boundaries. I want to tell him he's immature and that I deserved better.

But this is a terrible idea isn't it. He will probably just tell himself I'm crazy and that I lurve him (I don't.) And considering I haven't contacted him in any way for almost a week since he ended things, if I message now I'm just going to look like I'm still thinking about it (I am but perhaps he does not need to know this.)

How to handle. We're not strangers and are still going to see eachother about.

I'd be genuinely interested to know how the have sex and go approach works - you literally just arrive, strip off and once done immediately spring back up and get dressed?

@wizzbangfizz

I'd be genuinely interested to know how the have sex and go approach works - you literally just arrive, strip off and once done immediately spring back up and get dressed?

Have you never had a one night stand? When you walk in the door and rip each other’s clothes off? Kissing, getting passionate, have sex, then after, kiss good bye and head off? You’ve never seen it in a movie, or a tv program, you don’t know anyone who has done that?

Of course you don’t walk in the door, take your clothes off, and then leave, it is not cold and clinical. It’s about passionate fun for two people who fancy the pants off each other and want to have sex. But don’t want to sit about after having deep and meaningfulls. Or cuddle and be all romantic after, it’s about two adults meeting and having fun together.

Bluntness the men that you and some other people in this thread describe sound just awful. Utterly the dregs.

I've had 2 ONSs. Both of them were really kind afterwards, wanted me to stay the night and the one where I didnt phoned me a taxi home and insisted on giving me money to pay for it. Both of them wanted to see me again, but waited a couple of weeks before getting in touch. Both decent guys.

Therefore, that's my impression of ONSs.

I don't really aspire to having any ONS of the type you or a couple of other posters describe. Honestly doesn't sound very enjoyable.

I suppose I have but all the one night stands I've had they have stayed over - exchanged awkward pleasantries (or done it again) and then headed off. What I suppose I've not done is pre arranged a shag - arrived shagged and then left ive led a sheltered life!

@VotNow

I know. I'm kicking myself. Why didn't I just walk away after the first time?

Because my previous experience of him (fun, kind, couldn't do enough for me) led me to not quite be able to believe he was such a bastard. I thought underneath was a man who wanted to be decent.

But he was not being a bastard. You wanted no strings sex. You both had different interpretations of how much time you should hang about afterwards. It sounds like you wanted relationship-lite. Sex is sex and if you don't want just sex then dont go for this situation. He was a bit rude but its clear to him it is just sex. What you described is not FWB its casual sex a few times with a guy you know.

@wizzbangfizz

I'd be genuinely interested to know how the have sex and go approach works - you literally just arrive, strip off and once done immediately spring back up and get dressed?

Mostly yes!

And there lies another fundamental difference between him and me, I think. I cannot be strongly physically attracted to someone without a degree of attachment/craving their company

Therein lies 'the bastard' comment. You wanted much more, he didn't/doesn't. This does NOT make him a 'bastard' who treated you badly. I see nothing wrong, apart from maybe a tad of insensitivity to your feelings, which, to be fair, he probably hadn't even thought about.

Your expectations have been very different from his.

Why would you have a lovely friend whom you have good sex with and not want to put a ring on it? The friend in fwb is tongue in cheek, its like netflix and chill. Everbody knows there will be no chill. The friend as in a fruend in need, no money exchange so you arent escorts (more fool you?). Some people are taking the F part too seriously. It's nothing to do with friendship. No wonder too many people cant do fwb right and end up confused abd hurt.

SirMoanalot no, that's just what real people do. Nothing to do with films. Decent men, when a woman has expressed her desire to return home, might not want them walking the streets alone late at night trying to get a bus or find a cab in an unfamiliar neighbourhood.

How else do you think people get home? Fly? Teletransportation? Time machine?

Truly decent men dont have fwbs.
There is nothing wrong with taking buses back home and i live in London.
If you can't hold your own to navigate going home from a new route then maybe you are too vulnerable/drunk/whatever to make fwb decisions.

Eh it wasn’t the taxi that was the issue, it was taking cash from your one night stand that was rhe issue,,😂

@SirMoanalot

I picked up on that too. Calling a taxi and paying for it cheapens it all...

For someone who has proudly shamed women for wanting casual sex (even though she now admits to having casual sex too...), genuinely surprised that she’s proud of being given money for a taxi!

Oh yes, of course you picked up on that. You've picked up on a lot of words women have used in this thread, haven't you?

So just how does the shag-and-go work, logistically? You don't drink so take your own car to drive there and back in? Because tbh, the type of man you're describing needs a giant pair of beer goggkes on to copulate with. Or you pre order a taxi and both you and his timing is spot on? In which case, congrats on that!! Or you only pick FBs close to bus routes?

But then what happens if you miss your bus? Do you have to slink back to his to wait for the next one? Does he allow you to do that? What if he doesn't answer the door and you're left outside in the rain (no expectations, remember?)

But you've never heard of a ONS where the woman is invited to stay over or where a man pays for a taxi for a woman but instead refer to films??

I'm beginning to think a lot of this is made up. And up pops SirMoanalot to stir things up a little, right on cue.

Eh, the logistics of getting a taxi is no different irrelevant of who pays.

Ah...a response from Greenland, finally!

Are we going to address your slut shaming and hypocrisy, or are we going to conveniently ignore that?

Also:

"You've picked up on a lot of words women have used in this thread, haven't you?"

Are you seriously still pushing this agenda that I'm a man, because I called YOU out or your derogatory behaviour towards other women here and highlighted your hypocrisy. If anything, you are the who has pedalled the misogynist narrative in this group.

You have proudly said women who enjoy casual sex either (i) have mental health issues (ii) have been abused or (iii) have no morals. So now you've admitted to a one night stand (in fact, more than one!), where do you fall in that Greenland?

It was bluntness who said earlier up thread they "must be like a man", wasn't it?

I use DSM V daily at work, although I'm neither a psychiatrist or psychologist, I do have some involvement with people who are diagnosed with personality disorders.

The main checklist used for diagnosing psychopaths includes a poorly integrated sex life with many casual sexual partners. Thars not my opinion, it's part of the diagnostic criteria I think the OP's man sounds as though he has some sort of personality disorder, although obviously I'm not in any shape or form making a diagnosis. I dont think his behaviour should be normalised.

There no "shame" in women having sex. But most women agree that, especially after your student years/twenties, having a lot of sexual partners isn't very healthy. I'd apply that to men too. I actually find men who go from one partner to another and who have a lot of casual sex really undesirable. I'm not keen on casual sex at all now. It's something I did twice, as a student, which I don't regret, but I've moved on now.

Eh what? Don’t blame me, I’ve not accused anyone of being a man 😂 that’s all on you.

But most women agree that, especially after your student years/twenties, having a lot of sexual partners isn't very healthy

I’m not sure if that’s true, you can link to it, but what’s that got to do with the thread. No one is talking about a lot of sexual partners. Having a sexual relationship with someone doesn’t mean you shag loads.

Honestly this is just bizarre.

Bluntness You’ve never seen it in a movie, or a tv program, you don’t know anyone who has done that?

It was quite odd referring to films or tv as your point of reference for ONSs...

But really, how good is the taxi service round your way? You phone for a taxi and one instantly appears at the door? Because from what you've described, you have sex, you instantly get dressed and leave, without so much as a cup of tea or a cuddle or a chat afterwards? I'm honestly intrigued as to how it actually works out, because it just sounds so soul-less and miserable and devoid of any affection.

I wouldn't call him out on it, because he said "just sex" beforehand. I mean, what happened sounds gross. I wouldn't go to a man's house again if he literally sent me home after sex! But I think that's the point. That first time he did that, the mistake was going back. I'd tell him he forgot the friends part and was being a knob ON THE DAY HE DID IT.

NotPrude Ah...a response from Greenland, finally! Yes, some of us have to work, believe it or not...

Are we going to address your slut shaming and hypocrisy, or are we going to conveniently ignore that?

I haven't "shamed" anyone. You however keep repeatedly making up excuses to refer to women who have sex as being "shamed" and dragging me into it.

What I did say is that multiple casual sexual partners is not considered very healthy, whether that be physically or mentally. There are exceptions - some people are just very highly sexed. But generally, no.

Also, all that body language stuff... he was showing his sexual attraction. Not his desire for a relationship.

Bluntess No one is talking about a lot of sexual partners.

Just to make it abundantly clear, I am referring to multiple casual sexual partners as not being great, because I suspect that the man in the OP is the type that has multiple casual sexual partners (or would like to), which goes a long way towards explaining his awful behaviour.

It was quite odd referring to films or tv as your point of reference for ONSs...

I’m not sure why I keep interacting I am fairly sure you’re taking the piss now. 😂.

And that was in reference to a poster who said she didn’t know how it worked, as you know full well

And what does it matter how taxis work. They don’t work better becayse you stuck your hand out and took a tenner from the bloke to pay for it.