Ghosted in long term relationship

[Doingmyownheadin]

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

This too will pass Doing 🎄🍷you'll have a lovely tree to put up. Busy yourself and look after yourself

I was with a guy for four years in my early twenties. Really nice guy, apparently. When I took him up on "right, I have finished Uni, want to progress, want more part in your life, want to socialise normally", because up till then I had been compartmentalised. I just said I want more and want you to make the effort now, and he ghosted me. In year 2000, so no mobile phone on his part. LDR too. I flew to his town, cause I said there is no way I am living with the what the hell happened. Went to his workplace, the look of dismay on his face when he saw me and my friend. We spoke for a few minutes. I called his mum to say goodbye to her, nice woman, and she was shocked he hadnt really spoken to me and said 'don´t worry, he WILL speak to you". So, two days later he met me, I had my sort of explanation and I noticed this girl on her own a couple of tables away from us looking at us with this weird look on her face...didn't think much of it then...now I think he was with her. So I get on with my life and lo and behold three years later I got a letter from him saying I was the love of his life and I didn´t know how awful he had felt while watching the love of his life walk away...And he also said that he HAD been serious about me even though I was totally apart from his family (i had told his mum that a man who doesn´t involve his fiance with his family, isn´t serious about said fiance. She also told me that he never told them anything, even though they asked). Then he finished off saying that he could finally get on with his life after having let me know his true feelings, he needed that. I did not write back. Never heard from him again. They are playing, am older and wiser now.

I can see why you never wrote back!

I guess I felt a tad empowered the past few days taking back control but tonight I just feel totally meh and messing him.
And I feel like I was way over because my last message was basically saying never contact me again! I just don’t think I could ever be his friend. I do want to move on but I wish I could just not feel like this in the process.

It’s still very early days OP, you can’t expect to be over it just like that. Allow yourself to have a bit of a wallow then hopefully you and DS will have lots of distractions over Christmas. By the new year you’ll wonder what you were so upset about

I feel like I was way over because my last message was basically saying never contact me again! I just don’t think I could ever be his friend
OP do you see you're still worrying about what he's thinking? And justifying?
You told him what you wanted - don't contact me again. Why are you tying yourself in knots worrying that was over the top? It's what you want. It's ok to be clear about what you want.
Do you worry about what people think of your actions generally in life? Or is it just this guy?

If all came crashing down last night. He messaged during a weak moment and then told me that he loved me and he did want a relationship etc but he just couldn’t cope with the being badgered all the time by me for more and never letting him do things without me pestering. I was honest, he has an answer for it all. I could of had everything and he has never wanted someone more on all his life than he has me. He said it was god we were discussing things etc. Then this morning he messaged saying he woke up today and felt he should of left me alone and never messaged me and he was sorry for that. So once again I told him thats it. I’ve deleted his messages and his number etc. And I called my eyes out because it now seems like it’s all my fault and I feel awful.
I know that shouldn’t be the case but I’m devastated all over again.

The scary thing is I met a glimmer of hope wash over me and the next morning it came crashing down.

He said goodbye this time too. I just feel so humiliated this morning that once he slept on it for a night he regretted even messaging me.

I wish he had never bothered.

He just does not have the maturity to leave you alone. He doesnt really want a relationship that is headed anywhere. He tried to play you, again, and it didnt work. Finally finally this morning he showed you a bit of respect when he said he shouldnt have messaged you last night.

he is never going to give you what you need. He hasn't in 4 years, you know this. You now have to look after you and have no more contact with him.

You can start to feel better now. Bit by bit.
Cant recommend natalie lue book highly enough. It stopped me pining over somebody who had treated me shabbily. Im amazing and deserve more than shabby treatment. I got angry on my own behalf reading the book which was v good for me.

Well done OP for drawing a line under it and deleting him now. It's shit but at least you've seen who he is. Have you blocked him too? He'll be back again to mess with your head.
Have a good cry then enjoy your Xmas tree with DC

Yes, you look after you from now on.

I wasted 7 years once. Oh well. Join the club. Xxxxx 🍷

why do you feel it is all your fault? Can you not see that all you are asking for is a normal relationship? He isn't capable, it's his fault.

Ps, i interpret his regret at messaging you last night as regret he didnt leave you lone. Regret he confused you more. But maybe im being too kind to him there. He tried to reel you back in on his terms and called you a nag basically. So his regret is that his ego suffered the blow of you having a standard.

You have nothing to feel humiliated about. Nothing.

You loved. You lived. You were honest. You learnt you deserved more.

Your head can be held very high 👸

He said if I had been patient he wild have given me everything and that he always loved me and the reason that we hadn’t progressed in the past few years is because we were always so on and off and we were always starting from scratch then I would start the badgering again. That’s what he said anyway.
I feel really really terrible

Please please block him.

Did his family know about you?

Don't just delete his messages block him on your phone and on social media.

If he cared he wouldn't be doing this. sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like doesn't see you as "Long term" but but would be happy to have you around until he finds what he wants. You deserve better than that.

@Doingmyownheadin

He said if I had been patient he wild have given me everything and that he always loved me and the reason that we hadn’t progressed in the past few years is because we were always so on and off and we were always starting from scratch then I would start the badgering again. That’s what he said anyway. I feel really really terrible

I am raging on your behalf!!!! 4 bloody years!!!! Not patient?!?! Oh he can absolutely do one. Find your anger OP! None of this is your fault, he's just trying to keep you on his little leash. This has really pissed me off. He knows exactly what to say to you, to push your buttons and make you feel like shit. He's a complete arsehole. Don't waste anymore time on him, block, block everywhere. You don't need this, it's not helping.

He’s never said I love you before yesterday.
I’m just going over stuff in my head constantly of stuff I could of done differently.
I miss him so much

I deleted his number as soon as we said goodbye. I didn’t block

did his family know about you?

He's the one with the problems not you.

You want a normal relationship and he's the one with abnormal expectations. He's trying to blame you for his issues.

He is not worth it. He doesn't care about you and his actions show this clearly. Don't let him continue to abuse you, manipulate you and damage you emotionally..

His family didn’t know about him no. Mine did.
I just can’t stop crying now and he doesn’t care at all

I mean his family didn’t know about me. Sorry I’m not meaning much sense, my head is all over the place