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Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 05/12/2020 17:59

He is 38 and I’m 40. Probably doesn’t help I’m now worried I’m too old to meet someone who is the full package for me. Hopefully that feeling passes soon.
I just feel utterly deflated. He was so engaging last night then this morning clearly regretted it and just changed his mind. I don’t know if it was all pre mediated or not. If so he certainly did a marvellous job of making me feel like it’s all in me and he’s the one who is hard done by and treated badly by me.
I did drag myself out. Thankfully the sun came our so I could stick in dark sunglasses while I trudged about a muddy field looking at Xmas trees. I did get a beautiful tree in the end so I’ll need to get some motivation to decorate it tomorrow.
I just feel very alone now and utterly heartbroken.
However I did swiftly reply to his message this morning saying that’s it totally done and then disappeared. I still haven’t begged or tried to justify myself. Even last night I told him I wasn’t going to do that and he said he was really surprised I hadn’t tried to!! Imagine eh!!

OP posts:
WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 18:00

@chemicalworld

he didn't even tell his family about her, someone he now says he loves. It's bullshit and he has got aaall kinds of issues.
Yup. The man who pulled this shit on me, once the sadness past and i got clarity, it finally served to raise my bar. I thought that any man i in a relationship from now on has to be 100% certain about me and 100% certain he wants a relationship.

Cant be arsed with these fuckers who stand in the doorway of your heart, half way in half way out, just blocking the path for anybody else to connect with you/ love you/ value you/ respect you.

My arsehole did this. Half way in half way out.

Eurgh. I feel sick when i think of it now. No pining.

WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 18:05

Im 50 op and ive found so far anyway that a higher self esteem has meant the calibre of man interested in me has got better not worse.

Please read natalie lue's mr unavailable and the fall back girl.

Also, who cares, but having a relationship with you for four years, he sounds avoidant but natalie lue reckons women who accept this little can be avoidant too. He was away a lot, so it is not like either of you were ever stifled!!

I read Amir and Heller's " Attached" shortly after telling my avoidant arsehole i couldnt continue in this way.

WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 18:08

Buy some of those cadbury's chocolate tree decorations!! My kids are teenagers and we still have to have those.

You will get through this. Xxx

Four and a half years ago i was where you are now and so sad but it was many of the lessons about life and love and valuing myself that i neededcto learn.

notsurewhattodo22 · 05/12/2020 18:14

Crying myself again tonight...when I thought I was getting better, over a man who was half in half out then truly out. So sad with my lack of boundaries I let him do this to me. It's so hard especially when they are so manipulative and shift blame.

MintyCedric · 05/12/2020 18:24

Sweetheart, you're not a lover and this man id definitely not a prize - more like a commitment phobic, manipulative arsehole.

Look after yourself and your son, work on rebuilding your self-esteem and move on...there will be someone better out there, but just focus on yourself for a bit.

ArabellaScott · 05/12/2020 18:54

As said. He's playing with you. He saw you get a glimmer of hope and the beginnings of self respect and had to destroy that by promising the world.

So he did that, knowing it would crush you.

What an utter cretin.

And several of us predicted exactly this. He'll do it again - this is how these men operate. They can't help themselves (almost) - it's an unhealthy dynamic; he needs a compliant partner in his game.

When he said he loved you, I'm sorry, but that was a lie. He is scared because he saw you slipping away and he needs you in his control.

Block him.

MintyCedric · 05/12/2020 19:44

Sorry I meant you are not a loser BlushConfused!

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 05/12/2020 19:53

It feels different this time. Maybe he did have a glimmer of remorse this morning for messaging me. And he said goodbye which he didn’t the other day which means it left it open. I know the best thing would have been to block his number but not only would he think I was being total drama like also it was an instant reaction to suddenly delete all the messages and photos and his number.
I had an awful habit of checking his WhatsApp the past few weeks and I know I had to stop all that and completely cut ties.
I’ve not even been on WhatsApp all day to even read the few messages that other people have sent me. My phone is all suddenly very quiet!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 05/12/2020 19:54

My best friend has phoned me about 4 times today to check I’m ok and talk to me, I have answers those even though she’s had to listen to me cry a few times today Sad

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 05/12/2020 20:05

would he think I was being total drama like

You are still framing all of this in terms of what he will think. Who cares what he thinks?

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 20:08

Your best friend cares about you. This awful man does not. He cares only about having his ego stroked.

I know the best thing would have been to block his number but not only would he think I was being total drama......

This man has repeatedly upset you. Lying that he loved you to keep you under his control.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You do what's right for YOU. And that is blocking him. It really is.

How much more of your life and well being are you going to hand over to him? He ruined your pleasure in getting the tree for your boy. Think about that.

AgentJohnson · 05/12/2020 20:28

When exactly did you surrender so much of your power to this twat? Hindsight is a marvellous thing but this man was never going to give you the security that you obviously craved.

It was never about you not being good enough, you just fell into the trap of prioritising someone who saw you as an option.

Grieve the man you were desperate for him to be and try and get to the bottom of why you wilfully ignored who he really is.

chemicalworld · 05/12/2020 20:33

what does it matter if he thinks you are being dramatic?

you are not. you have been with a man who has not deemed you as important in his life for 4 years. You have given enough!

It is time for you to look after you, and that means cutting this dickhead off.

Doyoumind · 05/12/2020 20:52

No one deserves to be with someone who never tells them they love them for 4 years. This was always fwb for him and blaming you for the failure of the relationship because you asked where it was going says everything about him and nothing about you. You will look back with disgust at him and not regret.

LilyLongJohn · 05/12/2020 21:25

He told you he loves you because he knew that was the only way to get you to engage.

You ignored his 'matter of fact' text messages, so he knew he had to pull something special out the bag. Hence the 'I love you'

He just wanted to gain control again. I bet my bottom dollar, if you keep silent, he'll be back in a few weeks for his ego boost.

He's using you. Enough is enough, time for you to move on op.

amethystprimrose · 05/12/2020 21:43

You view this man far too kindly. He had no remorse the morning after contacting you, he simply got what he wanted. You engaged with him and he felt sure he could have you back if he wanted to. He then discarded you again. Your an ego boost, a toy for him to play with. I don't say this to hurt you, but you really need to start seeing this more clearly.

You need to change your number, because he will be in contact again. I don't think blocking will be sufficient because I think you will be tempted to unblock plus he could always call from withheld. Secondly, I strongly suggest you look into therapy. You have spent four years with a man who hasn't told you he loves you, hasn't introduced you to anyone and disappears on you. You need to explore why you don't think you're worth more than that because I can guarantee you are worth so much more.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 05/12/2020 21:48

I guess what’s playing on my mind is that I did have the same conversations about progressing. I did repeat myself and it may of come across as pestering I guess. I was just so frustrated and I always felt like it was just out of my reach. That I could never quite make it. He said last night that he’s been telling me the same things for years and that all he wanted was me to be myself and relaxed!!
I’ve never been that sort of person before who felt they had to ask for things.

My head is just filled with all this shit he went on about last night

OP posts:
WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 21:54

What felt awful to me at first was his name slipping down down down in whatsapp. But eventually i became glad about that.

Xx

amethystprimrose · 05/12/2020 22:00

You need to realise what he says is not based on reality.

It's completely abnormal to be in a relationship for four years and for it not progress at all so of course you had something to say about it (and mentioned it multiple times).

The only thing you did wrong was staying with him for so long. Your mistake was letting him string you a long and play with your head.

Op can you imagine if a friend of yours was treated like this? Would you think it was her fault for nagging him? Or would you have told her she deserved better years ago?

You are no longer together, you need to stop believing everything he has told you. I honestly think therapy will really help you.

chemicalworld · 05/12/2020 22:09

you've never been the sort of person to ask for thjngs because they were likely given to you. You shouldn't have had to ask, he should have wanted you to be a bigger part of his life. He didn't. So instead of allowing you a normal relationship he has made you feel it is your fault that he wasn't giving you that. He has destroyed your self esteem and sense of what is normal by having you chase the dream of being with him. He sucked you in and this man, is an arsehole. Therapy really would help you.

everyone on this thread can see what he is. What he has done to you is appalling and you need to shake your head and hold it up higher.

chemicalworld · 05/12/2020 22:11

stop letting him dictate the narrative, you were perfectly right to want what you wanted. You just should have walked away a long time before.

Sunflower1970 · 05/12/2020 22:16

This isn’t a healthy relationship and it will never go anywhere. Sorry for your heartbreak but be grateful that you are being ghosted to allow you to not waste another second of your precious time on this waste of space. After 4 years and no introductions is a huge red flag that you have given the benefit of the doubt long enough. You need to keep busy, look after yourself and find a nice local man who fulfills your needs x

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 05/12/2020 22:51

I just want to stop missing him and wishing things could of been different.
I don’t want to be hung up on him for ages upon ages. I guess it worries me that I will obsess over the what ifs

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 05/12/2020 22:55

you've been obsessing over the what ifs in this relationship for a while. You've been frustrated and upset at not having the relationship you want. Try to refrake this now, to focus on the relief that the end of this relationship will bring.

He would have always tried to make you jump through hoops to be worthy of being in his life. This behaviour can ruin a person, and it has affected you. Try to now focus on making yourself better.