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Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 05/12/2020 14:19

the only reason this is your fault is because you put up with it for so long. This isn't about you, it is about him and he is disgusting for making out it was down to you.

any normal relationship involves being part of someone's life, even if you don’t meet the family they should have known you existed. This is his fault, you now have to let go and I would block him. He will try again to draw you back in and you have to protect yourself now.

Yeahnahmum · 05/12/2020 14:19

Girl. Time to move on. This was an ON OFF relationship for 4 years. That was already a really bad base. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise. The fact he ghosted you cements that actually. I am sorry for you. Take care and find your feet again. You will 😊

notanotherfucker · 05/12/2020 14:20

I think you should block him.

Hatty2020 · 05/12/2020 14:30

@Doingmyownheadin he has completed manipulated you there. He’s fed you a story knowing he has the perfect excuse to not follow through with it because you have finished. He has planted doubt in your head so you are left questioning yourself and he can happily now move on knowing he left with the ball in his court. He’s taken back the power and left you crying and upset. He’s not a nice man, and he would never have given you what you wanted. After 4 years if he wanted to be a proper couple and make you part of his life / family he would have. Please don’t start blaming yourself he’s played you massively here and it’s worked.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/12/2020 14:33

Wait - in four years he's never once said he loves you? And then yesterday he did, clearly because he thought you were being too dignified about. So he pulled that string, got you weak and wanting another go and - yeah, now he can break it off and feel like the big I am.

Go find his last text and block that number. Stop telling yourself deleting his number was enough. You don't need him pulling the rug out from under your feet again a few days. And he's just shown how capable he is of doing just that.

I'm raging for you, OP. He is awful!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/12/2020 14:34

*too dignified about the relationship ending, that should say.

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 14:41

This is why pps were urging you to block, OP. He's addicted to making you feel shit. He won't stop any time soon unless you take control.

What happened to the lovely time you planned with your son and the big Xmas tree?

BrowncoatWaffles · 05/12/2020 14:48

Wait - in four years he's never once said he loves you? And then yesterday he did, clearly because he thought you were being too dignified about it. So he pulled that string, got you weak and wanting another go and - yeah, now he can break it off and feel like the big I am.

Charlotte Lucas nailed it (as you’d expect, she’s a bit of an expert on men ;))

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 05/12/2020 14:51

He is doing this on purpose. Why do you think he told you now that he loved you?? Because you weren't playing his game. He wanted you begging and pleading like all the other times, except this time you didn't. You said he wouldn't message but you he has and has continued to do so..and you know why? Because you didn't cave and that didn't fit in with what he wanted so now he's getting desperate and thinks drops the l bomb thinking this time it will work...and it nearly has because now you're feeling like you're to blame for it all, when you're not! He will come crawling back because you're still not begging and pleading, no doubt you'll be the love of his life and he should have given you everything sooner blah blah as per the usual script. I just hope by the time he does this you have the strength to tell him to fuck off once and for all and let me say this, I'm rooting for you ❤😊

Longwhiskers14 · 05/12/2020 15:08

Oh OP, I'm so sorry he reeled you in like that and then dumped you it again. To me it seems as though he hated the fact you were ignoring him and he wanted to last word, so he told you what he thought you wanted to hear knowing full well he'd backtrack the next morning. It's so breathtakingly cruel and callous. The man is a monster.

Bawl your eyes out, scream, yell, stick pins in a wax doll that looks like him – do whatever you need to do to get through the next 28, 48, 72 hours. You will turn a corner again and it will get easier and there will come a time in the not-too-distant future when you'll see what a lucky escape you've had. Flowers

Monkeypeas · 05/12/2020 15:16

Please see that this is all on him and not you.

You’ve said that in the past he’s disappeared on you. That’s why it’s been so on and off, it was all his doing.
There is nothing more you could have done other than loose all self respect and just accept the crumbs he was offering.

You haven’t done that so he’s twisted everything to make out that you’re in the wrong.

When you love someone there is no ‘I love you. But...’ if he’d meant it, then he’d have said it years ago.

The ex I wasted my time on for 6 years told me that I’d never marry anyone if I wasn’t marrying him.
It was less than 6weeks before his own wedding when he messaged me with that.

I deleted and blocked from that moment on. I’d finally ended things for good the year before but that was his last ditch attempt to mess with my head after 6mths previously trying to reel me back in (fast wedding to a girl he’d casually been dating after we split).

I was gutted when I found out he was getting married but you know what, I’m so glad it wasn’t to me or that I let him keep me where he wanted me.
A year after his wedding, I met my partner and absolutely the man I’m meant to be with for life.

It will happen for you too.

Lordamighty · 05/12/2020 15:19

He is breadcrumbing, no intention of progressing your relationship further but likes the attention that throwing a few tantalising glimpses of “how it could have been” your way.

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 15:24

I can just see the self satisfied smug grin on his face, knowing he's ruined your weekend.

PLEASE do not let this carry on and have him ruin you and your son's Xmas too. He will, you know. A couple of carefully timed messages from him will do it.

carlaCox · 05/12/2020 15:29

PLEASE do not let this carry on and have him ruin you and your son's Xmas too. He will, you know. A couple of carefully timed messages from him will do it.

Please please please take this advice. Christmas is coming up, he knows you're feeling vulnerable and he will try to capitalise on that. He sounds absolutely vile OP. I know you're pining for him but you can do SO much better than a twat like this! And I agree with a PP - find your anger!

TwentyViginti · 05/12/2020 15:34

He sounds absolutely vile

Doesn't he just. I wish OP could see him as all the pps here do.

Ratbagcatbag · 05/12/2020 15:54

He's not sorry at all. He didn't like that you'd had the final say on him not contacting you. So he rolled out the big guns to reel you back in. Once you'd confirmed you liked him/cared for him all his well in his world again and he can put you back in your box.

I mean this kindly but you need to find your self respect. He's playing you. You've not blocked him. Deleting his number achieves nothing because he can still message you. At which point you get drawn back in.
Block him. Cry over what you didn't get. And recognise he's not bringing to the table even a basic offering of a relationship. Why are you accepting such a poor offer. You are worth more than that.
He will never offer it because he's not capable of it.
You need to demand someone for yourself who wants you for you. Who is happy to introduce you to family and friends. And who can talk through any issues without gaslighting you about your behaviours.
If someone offers less than what you want then walk away.

carlaCox · 05/12/2020 16:02

One of the things that helped me was watching YouTube videos about narcissism and coercive control and manipulative people. It made me realise that my ex's actions were part of a well defined, well understood pattern of behaviour. He was just that kind of person. That's when you realise that it's not you with the problem, it's them.

PamDemic · 05/12/2020 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PamDemic · 05/12/2020 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Siw2020 · 05/12/2020 17:15

How old are you both, OP?

Read all your updates. He sounds immature and confused and really not very nice/the kind of person thats remotely good enough for you.

You're doing really well. Each day will get better. Focus on yourself and your son. All the best x

WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 17:42

@Doingmyownheadin

He said if I had been patient he wild have given me everything and that he always loved me and the reason that we hadn’t progressed in the past few years is because we were always so on and off and we were always starting from scratch then I would start the badgering again. That’s what he said anyway. I feel really really terrible
Yet he never introduced you to his family. I agree with others on this thread. He is full of horsesh1t.

Poor you having yr head messed with like this.

WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 17:47

A man who loves you is scared of losing you. A man who loves you doesnt dump you and then say "okaaaay fuck buddies...?"

chemicalworld · 05/12/2020 17:53

he didn't even tell his family about her, someone he now says he loves. It's bullshit and he has got aaall kinds of issues.

WiseOwlWan · 05/12/2020 17:55

Actually that might not be quite right that a man who loves you is "scared" of losing you, but a man who doesnt want to lose you doesnt end it by text and then suggest becoming fuck buddies as an after thought!

He must think you're stupid to believe that that is love.

orangetop2 · 05/12/2020 17:56

4 years on and off, he's never told you he loves you and his family have no idea about you ! Am I reading that right Shock