Ghosted in long term relationship

[Doingmyownheadin]

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

reframe!

@Doingmyownheadin

He’s never said I love you before yesterday. I’m just going over stuff in my head constantly of stuff I could of done differently. I miss him so much

This stood out for me.

You have never been impatient or nagging. You were responding to his weird distance and behaviour. It was him that was behaving strangely. Stop letting him gaslight you even now you’re apart.

You had totally normal expectations. I suggest you right them down now and post your relationship hopes and expectations. I’ll bet everyone here wouldn’t see them as nagging or pressuring in a 4 yr relationship.

Commit and promise to yourself that if someone does this dance again you will read those expectations to yourself and remind yourself of what you want, need and deserve out of a relationship.

Clue: he isn’t it, he never was and never will be.

I didn’t feel as bad last week as I do now after his messages the other night.
My confidence is even more battered. I just imagine him swanning about charming all the women (and he sent me a photo sat night and he looked amazing!!) totally happy etc. And I feel like a total mess

Not Saturday night! I mean Friday night when he was messaging.
I obviously having heard from him since

He's a total dick and it's time for you to stop wallowing in your what ifs and misery otherwise you've let him win. Your choice is to carry on in this way (and become a pathetic role model for your child) or plaster on a brave smiley face and keep busy. Your happiness is in your control so don't let this despicable person into your thoughts. You feel damaged and humiliated but that will pass if you want it to and I'm sorry to be harsh but I think a reality check is needed now. Don't fret about the future as you will emerge stronger and happier than you were with him - he kept you a secret for FOUR YEARS, really?!! Good luck, have belief in yourself 💐

He’s a really nasty selfish prick who is spouting off lies and fake remorse which you seem to have believed. Please make sure you never see him again, and the only time you speak to him are two words - you’re history. He’s not worth this. He dissent care about you so try and stop feeling any guilt or remorse.

@justicedanceson is so right.
You werent nagging him. Your response was a normal reaction to his avoidance and his distance.

You know you wouldnt do this to a man. You said upthread that you wouldnt. Remind yourself of that. Picture a man who is upset because you dont love him. He wants more and you've been coasting. But now it's all come to head. He's ended it even though it's hard. You would give him the space to get over yoiu! You would not confuse him just to keep him as an option! You'd know that that was wrong.

Im like you op. I could never do this to somebody else but was very vulnerable to having it done to me. I was more comfortable being the one who loved more :-( and felt stifled if the other person loved more.

But my point is, you would not do this to somebody else because its selfish and it prevents the other person from healing and moving on.

But here he is doing this to you. What a prince. Get turned off by this. How dare he. Get angry!

@Doingmyownheadin

I just want to stop missing him and wishing things could of been different. I don’t want to be hung up on him for ages upon ages. I guess it worries me that I will obsess over the what ifs

Did you order natalie lue's mr unavailable and the fall back girl?

I read this after splitting up with my flake and it really consolidated my reframing of what had gone on.

I’ve bought the audiobook to listen to yeah

For some reason I’m just focusing on all the times I went on at about progressing and cringing that I must of been a total nag.

Oh OP. Do you see what he's done?

• Set himself up as the prize that you want to win, and he's done that by breadcrumbing you little bits of a normal relationship (look what could all be yours if you just work hard enough) and keeping you at arms length
• you ask for a proper relationship (reasonable) he tells you you're a nag, you can't win the prize if you're a nag
• guess what you don't win the prize if you don't nag either (there is no way to win the prize)
• repeat for 4 years, he gets a nice ego boost everytime you beg for the prize, and everything is to his tune because he keeps the prize dangled and just a bit out of reach
• it all comes to a head as you finally get pissed off you stop playing the game
• he then announces - you could have won the prize, if only you'd done xyz (this is a lie)
• now you're devastated kicking yourself for not having done xyz

It's despicable behaviour. He is not a prize, he's a twat. Please please listen to everyone, just block him and start to take control back of your own life. Do it for your little boy

You feel like it was just out of reach, because it was just out of reach, it will ALWAYS be just out of reach. He's like one of those games at the fair ground that you can never quite win, it's set up that way to keep you coming back and spending money. This is him in a nut shell, you could have farted rainbow dust for him, and it still, just wouldn't quite have been enough, he shave wanted unicorn rainbow dust.

The photos he sent were designed to reel you back in, his text messages were designed to reel you back in, his text in the morning was designed to reel you back in. But not because he wants a relationship, he wants you to want him! He's getting exactly what he wants, by telling you 'look this is what you could have won. He's full of shit

He sent you a photo? Oh OP can you really not see what we clearly see? He still wants the ego boosts you've been giving him for four years!

His family still don't know you exist! all you are to him is a fangirl!

Stop with the what ifs. There are NO what ifs. He didn't want a life with you. He never will want a life with you.

He more than likely has other fangirls he strings along.

You met him in your 30s. You're now in our 40s. Time to move on, recover and go fun dating with others in 2021.

Learn from this, do a LOT of reading and establish firm boundaries then off you go into your new free life!

He has spent 4 years conditioning you. 4 years training you to feel like shit, to think you need him, to corrode and chip away at your self esteem. 4 years to play with you. It won't change overnight, you have the habit of reacting just like you are now.

Deep down, though, I think part of you knows that you are happier without him. Better already to be free of him, and so long as you stay away you are starting thr process to recover. Can you feel relieved to be done with all the bullshit uncertainty?

It will get better. It does sound to me like you could use some therapy or counselling or a trip to the GP. Heartache is normal, but your self esteem being so low isn't and you deserve to feel better about yourself.

It's a beautiful winters day, enjoy your time with your son.

What a horrible man. 4 years and he hasn’t even told his mother about you?? He has you so well trained that it’s your fault for “nagging”, that your self-worth had taken a battering. In healthy relationships, the other person is happy to integrate, feels proud to be with you, he’s kept you around feeding you titbits of hope and even using his child as an excuse not to introduce you to grown adults within his close family as anything of any importance! That’s cruel. 4 years!
The very first time he blanked you he disrespected you. It is as simple as that. It doesn’t matter if he has good looks or “chat”, long term relationships are mutually respectful and caring.
(Not once from our first night meeting has my husband ever made me doubt he cares deeply, it was a very gentle and loving progression from meeting, dating, moving in, marrying and becoming a family, where he was always as excited about the future as I was.)
I wasted 18 months once on someone who kept me on the hook but also at arms length, it was exhausting and I’m so glad I stopped putting up it; life is so ruddy short.
I really hope you find inner reserves of self-worth and stop communicating with this man. He is using you; you are his FWB you just don’t realise/hope for more.

He's stolen time you could be spending happily with your son and your friends with his constant neediness for you to carry on being his superfan.

Please draw a line now. Your friends will be delighted to have the old you back. Your son will have a more focused, fun mummy. Your self esteem will rise.

Do not allow him to steal any more of your life. You only get one.

You've been in this pick me dance for most of your child's life!

I'm bloody fuming on your behalf!!!! How dare he treat you so badly!
Oh OP, I know you're heartbroken right now but bloody hell, he really had done you a favour.
The fact that he never let you meet his family in four years, says everything you need to know about him.
So give yourself some time and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and concentrate on all the good things in your life! You can do this

He really is cruel and disturbed.

Please, for your own well being, block this batshit creep. Change your number if you have to. Delete and block him on whatsapp.

It will hurt for a little while but it will get better over time.

Each time you have contact with him will set you back and make you feel bad just like he did this time. Trying to say a few nice things and then slap you down. You don't need that ever again.

I've just read the full thread. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through.. I could have written it myself in ways.
Same story.. LDR but closer than yours. I have however met family/friends and had a pretty involved relationship with them all.
Lots of fun, laughs, holidays memories etc.. Infact everyone would say we were the happiest couple. So when we talked about progressing and moving I hit the same problems to talk about. Ive been accused of 'nagging'.. That the relationships great until I 'cause a drama'.. That 'we can't surely move on when I'm causing us to have blazing rows'.. I could go on.. I won't.
Reading this thread has upset me, yet made me see I'm worth more. Some people you can't win with, they will play games and make you mentally feel like you're the one in the wrong. My oh didn't turn up the other night (I've done a post on it) because he was clearly still 'put out' that I'd mentioned something quite reasonable and he'd taken offence to it.. Despite him apologising and it not being an issue.. Or so I thought he then just decided he wasn't going to come over leaving me sitting with a meal ready.. To say I lost my temper is an understatement. And here we are 2 days later and nothing. I'm not even surprised. I'm dissapointed that he's not who I thought he was.. I'm also sad that he made me feel like I was amazing yet clearly not amazing enough to bother with.
Youre doing amazing op.. Stick in there.

@Doingmyownheadin

For some reason I’m just focusing on all the times I went on at about progressing and cringing that I must of been a total nag.

Dont cringe for having a normal expectation!! He should cringe for not being straight with you.

I'm reading the replies...helping me too.

It's so hard OP...you won't feel better instantly but try and think factually, not emotionally.

I almost felt addicted to mine...look up intermittent reinforcement in Relationships. I tangled myself in knots over mine...hoping if I didn't 'go on' and was more chilled he would come good. He didn't, in the end like PP I lost it and not heard since.

These men aren't sat here crying over us...they don't care...if they did they would treat us normally.

I felt terrible asking for the basics, even for him to say he liked me, how pathetic. He then made out I was insecure. No, it's just basic stuff. I was super patient as well..ie a doormat.

I wish I could turn back time.

I will never put up with such flip flapping again.

I hope you've read the book...an eye opener for me.

How is the tree coming along too? X

He will keep doing this until you block him.
The fact that he sent you an I love you message followed by a retraction the next day was just another cruel attempt to destabilise you and effectively punish you for not towing the line by telling you what he knows you previously would have loved to hear and then taking it all back to hurt you. He did this deliberately because he is vendictive. because you are not playing ball.
Don’t let him keep doing this

I just feel in autopilot robot mode today. Got up early and bought more Xmas lights, tidied up and now sat staring at the bare Xmas tree surrounded in boxes of lights to do the house really not feeling the Xmas spirit
It’s only been day 2 and I’m missing him terribly. I know I shouldn’t but haven’t quite got to the angry stage yet.
One thing is I know I won’t get in touch with him. I made a statement the other day and a commitment that I was moving on. So even though I’m suffering like mad at least he doesn’t know I am. Again I’ve kept it clinical when I said goodbye. Though that is the third time now I’ve said a bloody goodbye!
I really really really don’t think he will make contact. Yes I know I’ve said that before but he did say goodbye this time to and I tend to think he had realised that I want to move on.

Thank so you much though for all the posts and advice! It really is appreciated and although it may seem like it’s not helping they are....every other time I have calculated ways to get him talking and begged and stuff so it is a vast improvement that I’m going cold turkey.
Sad to see others either been through it before or currently going through it. Hopefully my thread will help others too xx

OP what's stopping you from blocking him?