Would you date an unemployed man if you had a good career?

[StefInTheLandOfCrazy]

Hi all, I am relatively new to Mumsnet and I am really enjoying exploring the forum and learning about the Mumsnet world.

I have recently started online dating after a really tough romantic disappointment at the beginning of the year. I am 31, never married, no DC. I am very career-oriented and have built a good career for myself. I am also careful with money, always save 30% of my income and dabble in investment. I really value my financial stability and the independence and security that having savings gives me.

Recently I have been out on a date with a man whom I found attractive and funny, and we had a really good time. However, he seems to have an unstable work situation, he used to work as a football coach and he is currently "between gigs". Essentially it didn't sound like he had a plan about getting things back on track with his job. He has been "between gigs" for 8 months now. He also doesn't seem to be very comfortable financially, which is unsurprising given that he is essentially unemployed.

A friend of mine told me that she thinks that based on this information, this man does not seem very compatible with me, as I am someone who values work, planning, and financial stability a lot (which is true). In the past, I lent a lot of money to an ex-boyfriend who was struggling financially and in the end he didn't treat me very nicely at all and didn't give me the money back when he suddenly broke up with me and disappeared (we are talking several thousand pounds). I think she is concerned that I might find myself in the position of being taken advantage of financially by a boyfriend again.

I feel a bit conflicted about this guy, as I enjoyed spending time with him and I did find him attractive. He seems like a nice person. At the same time, I wonder if I should take my friend's advice to heart, be a bit more careful and "throw this one back into the pond".

What do you guys think? Would you date someone who is professionally unstable or unemployed, if you were someone who values career progression and financial stability? Or would it be a big red flag for you?

Absolutely not. No way. Never.

Minimum expectations would be a job, and some determination to succeed, in what ever area they determined suitable.

I wouldn't. I married a man who was low paid and over the years begrudged constantly giving him money when he was skint. It was also tough when we had our DD and we really struggled with childcare fees. Because of his financial status, it meant that we could only have one child.

Covid has effected his industry of team sports so I’d find out if this is new for him due to Covid or if he’s frequently between jobs. His current situation may not be reflective of his past or his values.
I think it’s a bit premature to conclude that he doesn’t value career progression and financial stability.
What if your job had been a victim of Covid and you had been unemployed since April or so? Would that mean you don’t value financial stability and career progression? No. It would mean you are simply one of the millions of unlucky workers who have been affected by Covid.

So I would not decide now based on so little information. I’d withhold judgement and learn a little more about him.

Red flag, not to be mean but money is undoubtedly important and if you are not on the same page (does not sound as if you're in the same book....) then it will become an issue. What happens when you want to go on holiday, buy a property etc. It's not even about the earning power its about the lack of drive or forward thinking. My partner earns less than me but he has a work ethic, I've supported him during periods of unemployment as a result of redundancy as I know he will look to be back working, if I felt he was just lolling about that would not cut it for me.

Definitely not although I did in my younger days. I have always had a steady career and I have always attracted men who didn’t want to work. I have only just worked out the pattern and I’m in my 50s now.

Btw, I am talking all my long-term relationships from my 20s as well as a marriage and none of them are working (apart from cash in hand type odd jobs) to this day.

Point is, they don’t change.

I married a man who is unemployed, he is the step father of my children. For us it works. I get to focus all my attention on work and studies, he does the bulk of the household chores, running the children around etc. I only entertained the idea as he is solvent and we share attitudes to financial goals - saving and spending. The money I earn is now household money. If he spent money like water, or had debt then it would be a hard no.

Just to qualify, if this is purely related to Covid then maybe there's some context but otherwise it's a no from me.

I did for a couple of months but he represented himself as self employed working around his kids (50% care) at first, it transpired he wasn't working at all, was in rent arrears due to wasting his universal credit, facing eviction and much preferred sleeping til 2pm and staying up til 4am than looking for work.
Not a good prospect.

What is he currently living on? Where does he live? Has he tried to pivot during Covid? Maybe he received the government's self-employed grant and is waiting it out. You could continue, but proceed cautiously. Don't fall into the role of paying for things. Definitely don't let him move in. If by March he hasn't bounced back a bit from Covid, then he might not have the work ethic and ambition that you deserve in a partner.

If it were not for the prior history of lending to ex arsehole...I would say proceed with caution (just take it as a bit of fun, nothing serious).

But given you found yourself in a compromising position with the last ex, lending him money...I dont think it would be wise to put yourself in a situation where some of the variables are so similar. Incase he turns out to be more of the same and incase your boundaries still arent good with that sort of thing.

Might be smarter to walk away.

Geberally no, but PlanDeRaccordement does raise a really good point - this year isn't the best to judge on employment factors, but I'd be put off if he's not actively trying to find a job.

I would also say if you're looking for a partner to have children or merge finances with, he doesn't sound like a good bet purely as your attitudes to money are so different.

It's going to be hard going forward with you paying for everything. I'd keep things casual and talk to him about his longer term plans. If he seems unmotivated and not interested he may not be a good match for you long term.

Enjoy a casual relationship with him (if that is what you want) but I would 100% advise against considering a long term relationship with someone who doesn't share your financial values. It is a complete recipe for disaster and I am speaking from personal experience.

If he had taken a covid related employment hit I would expect him to be clear about this, stating what plans he had to diversify/find alternative employment during this time.

Between gigs due to covid but trying really hard, no issue.

Between gigs and doing nothing, not so great.

If you enjoy his company why don’t you continue seeing him and go with the flow for now? If he starts asking you for money you can end things.

Equally he may find a job and perhaps that will change things? The sports industry has been hit hard with Covid, might that be why he has been out of work for a while?

He also doesn't seem to be very comfortable financially

I take it that means he's unable to pay his way on dates?

Your friend is right. Throw this one back.

It would depend on his attitude and ambition. I wouldn’t be happy with someone if they didn’t prioritise career and work.
If he was out of work because of the circumstances but keen to progress and trying to get back, I would be fine with it and support him.

Agree with your friend - you dont sound compatible.

Keep looking!

Absolutely no chance. I don't care how successful or wealthy someone is, but they have to have a job, stand on their own two feet and pay their own way in life. It's not about money, it's about self respect.

Probably not. I did it once and I found that it was a pattern, in and out of jobs. I would guage it very carefully if I met someone new in the same situation. It became a drain.

Absolutely not

I only read the opening line.

No!

I was out a work a few years ago. Got made redundant. Didnt look to meet anyone because I don't want anyone to keep me and I'm not keeping anyone else.

As it’s been eight months it’s unlikely this is about Covid

I would date an unemployed man who was between jobs through no choice of his own. I would not date a long term unemployed man who had no real ambition and couldn’t get it together. We would be incompatible.

Date - yes
Consider him a long term prospect - no

Just depends what your looking for really. What does he mean he's "between gigs" . I though a gig was a live-music event?

He can't that badly off surely if he's going on dates with you?

Wow, it sounds like my friend's opinion is widely shared! Definitely food for thought.. To answer a few questions:

• What concerned me was that when we spoke about his work situation, he didn't seem to have a clear plan to turn things around. He said he had been looking and working odd jobs in bars and similar, but he didn't sound like he had a strategy.
• We don't live in the UK, we live in a country that has decent unemployment benefits so I assume he is living on benefits. I think he has his own apartment but I haven't obviously seen it.
• If that is relevant, he is 40 years old so not exactly a spring chicken (but then again I am no spring chicken either!).