Would you date an unemployed man if you had a good career?

[StefInTheLandOfCrazy]

Hi all, I am relatively new to Mumsnet and I am really enjoying exploring the forum and learning about the Mumsnet world.

I have recently started online dating after a really tough romantic disappointment at the beginning of the year. I am 31, never married, no DC. I am very career-oriented and have built a good career for myself. I am also careful with money, always save 30% of my income and dabble in investment. I really value my financial stability and the independence and security that having savings gives me.

Recently I have been out on a date with a man whom I found attractive and funny, and we had a really good time. However, he seems to have an unstable work situation, he used to work as a football coach and he is currently "between gigs". Essentially it didn't sound like he had a plan about getting things back on track with his job. He has been "between gigs" for 8 months now. He also doesn't seem to be very comfortable financially, which is unsurprising given that he is essentially unemployed.

A friend of mine told me that she thinks that based on this information, this man does not seem very compatible with me, as I am someone who values work, planning, and financial stability a lot (which is true). In the past, I lent a lot of money to an ex-boyfriend who was struggling financially and in the end he didn't treat me very nicely at all and didn't give me the money back when he suddenly broke up with me and disappeared (we are talking several thousand pounds). I think she is concerned that I might find myself in the position of being taken advantage of financially by a boyfriend again.

I feel a bit conflicted about this guy, as I enjoyed spending time with him and I did find him attractive. He seems like a nice person. At the same time, I wonder if I should take my friend's advice to heart, be a bit more careful and "throw this one back into the pond".

What do you guys think? Would you date someone who is professionally unstable or unemployed, if you were someone who values career progression and financial stability? Or would it be a big red flag for you?

Wonder if people would have the same opinion if the genders were reversed

Or if the genders were the same......?

I don’t think gender is relevant. What matters is compatibility in core values, same aspirations and track record of walking the talk.

No way. Don’t be a mug.

Enjoy each other’s company -shag his brains out if you fancy him- but remain free agents.
I would never see him as husband material.

It's not really his fault that covid has hit that particular industry very hard. Along with many others........so no, it wouldn't put me off someone. I mean I wouldn't go lending money out either, but dating I'd be fine with.

@ravenmum

Eight months, i.e. since April, when the football world stopped due to Covid? Isn't almost everyone in certain sectors between gigs now?

When I met my current bf he was just going from self-employed to looking for a job. He's over 50, and at one point I read an article saying that over-50s take 1.5 years on average to get a new job. As it turned out, it took him 1 year and 3 months, so below average, but that meant that for the first year, he was unemployed. So yes, I would, personally, date someone who was unemployed. But obviously I'm over 50, and not looking to get married or have children. In your position I wouldn't be as laid back. But is 8 months actually a long time to be unemployed in his field in normal times, let alone this year? What are his prospects if and when he does get a job? And what's his attitude like?

My bf and I always shared the cost of dates, at my insistence - he's actually very generous by nature. The only difference was that we didn't got an expensive dates - but he came up with good ideas. Is your guy relying on you to pay more, or is he also sharing?

This basically, I’d date but not commit. I think I would give him a chance though, 8 months doesn’t seem strange in his career and the current environment.

No.
I don't prioritise money, I've dumped men from a much much higher income bracket than me because I didn't want to be second best to a career.
But I am very risk averse so couldn't be with someone who was more go with the flow. The stress of worrying about money would turn me into the Sahara even if they looked like a Helmsworth.
I shagged plenty of them in my twenties, but then I went home to my own house where I could afford to put the heating on in winter

No you are in your 30s you shouldnt date an unemployed man. If you were both early twenties or late teens fine but in 30s no no no.
I would be too ashamed to date if i was unemployed if i were him. How is he even paying for any dates... covid must be a good time for unemployed daters as you can just go to the park and use unlimited texts.... ughh

I don’t think it would work. Right now he can pay for his own coffee, but how will dating work if he can’t afford to buy meals at even a basic restaurant? You’ll end up financing him in little ways which will grow. It won’t be an equal relationship if you’re his meal ticket and the source of funds for most things you do.

It seems like he has a very different attitude to you in regards to work and ambition, I gather he’s not even studying to improve his prospects? I’d give this one a miss.

Thank you all for your great comments. You have really made me reflect a lot on my values in the context of a relationship.

Like many PPs, I am guilty of having had relationships in the past with men that were not as steady, or career-oriented as me. I have never prioritized career or money in a man, perhaps because I already prioritize that so much in my own life. My ex-boyfriends were always happy-go-lucky, carefree types, who brought a lot of happiness and fun to my life.

However, none of those relationships worked out long-term, and I can see that that mismatch was one of the reasons why each relationship failed. Maybe my friend is right, and it is time I try to look for a man whose direction in life is a bit more aligned with mine.

Thank you again for your great insights, this thread has been really useful for me!

Date him on a casual basis if you like him. Don't let him move in with you.

Depends on the man. Didn't Richard Branson go bust three times before he formed Virgin Records.

@Pyewhacket

Depends on the man. Didn't Richard Branson go bust three times before he formed Virgin Records.

I think if he was a billionaire she’d have said..😂

yeOldeTrout

Your cousin sounds a nasty piece of work.

ADHD doesn’t mean you are stupid. It means you don’t think the same linear thoughts as other people. I would think your cousin is only staying married because she can’t afford to see him walk off with 50% of her hard earned cash (or 60% if he can prove abuse)

Or because it is a way of showing people how intelligent she is compared to her dh The jokes about him don’t make her look intelligent. I am sure people are laughing at her not him.

.... he founded Virgin in his 20s. This guy is 40 and "between gigs".

I think if he was a billionaire she’d have said..😂

But he wasn't always a billionaire, was he ?. Thats the point

But he wasn't always a billionaire, was he ?. Thats the point

He was successful and rich by the time he was 30. Not sure if you've read the thread, OP's date is 40 and seemingly in no rush to pay his bills.

We are often dazzled in others by something that we think is lacking in us - hence the opposites attract experience.

However in couples therapy it is often noted “what first attracted you, ultimately repels you”

Maybe you just need to inject a little bit more fun in your own life - hang a little loser to get more balance - with friends etc rather than strapping yourself to a runaway love train.

If you have had a few of these RS that didn’t develop take something from this - otherwise you will keep repeating this pattern. This is all fun in your twenties - but is not what you or your future children need - a series of failed RS where there is now so much to lose emotionally and financially.

Low paid yes. Short term unemployed and furiously applying wholeheartedly for all jobs he can with a determination to work yes. Long term unemployed and fussy about what work he does no no way never.

Nope

Nope.

Doesmt sound like he is looking for a new job. That is a bit worrying.

No.

No

I wonder how those posting 'NO, RUN A MILE' would feel if the shoe was on the other foot...? Or is it one rule for males and another for females...?

Nope