Would you date an unemployed man if you had a good career?

[StefInTheLandOfCrazy]

Hi all, I am relatively new to Mumsnet and I am really enjoying exploring the forum and learning about the Mumsnet world.

I have recently started online dating after a really tough romantic disappointment at the beginning of the year. I am 31, never married, no DC. I am very career-oriented and have built a good career for myself. I am also careful with money, always save 30% of my income and dabble in investment. I really value my financial stability and the independence and security that having savings gives me.

Recently I have been out on a date with a man whom I found attractive and funny, and we had a really good time. However, he seems to have an unstable work situation, he used to work as a football coach and he is currently "between gigs". Essentially it didn't sound like he had a plan about getting things back on track with his job. He has been "between gigs" for 8 months now. He also doesn't seem to be very comfortable financially, which is unsurprising given that he is essentially unemployed.

A friend of mine told me that she thinks that based on this information, this man does not seem very compatible with me, as I am someone who values work, planning, and financial stability a lot (which is true). In the past, I lent a lot of money to an ex-boyfriend who was struggling financially and in the end he didn't treat me very nicely at all and didn't give me the money back when he suddenly broke up with me and disappeared (we are talking several thousand pounds). I think she is concerned that I might find myself in the position of being taken advantage of financially by a boyfriend again.

I feel a bit conflicted about this guy, as I enjoyed spending time with him and I did find him attractive. He seems like a nice person. At the same time, I wonder if I should take my friend's advice to heart, be a bit more careful and "throw this one back into the pond".

What do you guys think? Would you date someone who is professionally unstable or unemployed, if you were someone who values career progression and financial stability? Or would it be a big red flag for you?

No. I didnt date until i got a job.

I rightly i think felt that i wasnt datable unless i was back in the workplace. So when my kids were small and i was on benefits i did not date

Eight months is a long time. I’d take on pretty much any type of work, rather than do nothing.
How will you do things together? You’ll have to pay for everything/most things! I personally wouldn’t be happy with that arrangement.

What do you mean 'good career'? As opposed to a s**t one

Stll single! But not a hypocrite.

Yup. Branson was in a position to go bust - 3 times.

For him, 4th time lucky.

I foolishly had kids with a man between jobs. He never worked again while I paid for everything including all childcare as he refused to do it, even though he was at home all day.
Just no! Chuck him back

No. I would not date someone who was happy not to work.

I don’t mind what they’re job is. I’m not a snob. And if someone was unemployed but trying hard for work, ok.

If you are unhappy don,t date, but not because he happens to be unemployed. Lors of poeple are currently unemployed.

No, not unless it was clearly a temporary thing and I could see that he was driven. Either that or he was very supportive of my career and would make an excellent house husband .

To be frank, money is important to me. It gives choices, independence, relieves worries. Having grown up in a house with parents who were frequently worried about money and how to pay the bills, there's no way I'd want to go back there. I'd be very careful of ending up in a situation where you're supporting someone who doesn't pull their weight (be that with childcare, around the house or financially).

Somebody who was legitimately between jobs through no fault of their own, yes.
Someone who lacked drive and ambition to build a career, absolutely not.

Sounds like a bone idle dreamer. No way. I can't imagine dating anyone long term unemployed to be honest.

If he coaches football in schools or as an extra curricular activity, then all of that has had to stop.

While he waits for all of this to pass, he's doing bar work and casual jobs, so not completely idle.

It wouldn't be a definite no from me, I'd want to know the context first.

I do also work with someone who's a high earner but plays it down on first dates because he wants to find someone genuine, so if there's real chemistry I think you should try a couple more dates.

And in fairness, you don't know that he isn't desperately applying for jobs, worried about money and his career etc because of course he wants to be confident and relaxed on a first date.

If a man is unemployed he should turn his hand to anything and work any hours, not dating. His priority is his dick or a woman that pays for him. Both no thanks.

I would be wary but I find a lot of the replies in this thread really mean! If I was in his position I would hope potential dates wouldn't judge me quite so harshly.

You have a good job and your saving and investing money for your future. Your 31 and you need to think what do I want long term. A man of 40, unemployed for 8 months and he is between gigs as a football coach is not a good match for you. Why can't he take any type of job even a part time one until something better job wise comes up?
As other people said here they have met men that are unemployed but they were looking hard for work. They have taken less well paying jobs and worked hard to move up the ladder.
My feeling is that he could be seeing you as a meal ticket after making the comment about been short of money. I warned a friend of mine about a man like this and within a few months she let him move in. Then when he got work she was lucky if he bought £30 worth of food or credit for her electricity maybe 2 or 3 times a month. He then went cheating on her so she told him to move out. He left owing her £500 on top of all the above.
In your situation I would tell him that you have decided to end things now.
You don't want to be supporting him when he waits for his next gig to come up at 40 years of age. This might be ok in your late teens, early 20's but your 31 and if you want an adult relationship and a family don't waste time on a man like him.

"Why can't he take any type of job even a part time one until something better job wise comes up?"

He is doing bar work and odd jobs until his industry can reopen.

I had a ten-year relationship with a man who essentially didn’t work. It seemed forgivable at first because we were young, he had the occasional part-time job (bars etc.) and a period of two years employment. But mainly he always had reasons for not working or just not working enough and so money was a constant grinding worry and the idea of ever having children with him became untenable. Eventually I broke up with him but I should have done it much sooner.

Why can't he take any type of job even a part time one until something better job wise comes up

There are a lot of people on here who live in a fantasy world.
We are in the middle of a pandemic. There is mass unemployment.
Even for the most mundane minimum wage p/t job can have over 200 applicants. It is not easy finding work when you are up against 200 equally well qualified applicants.

The fact he has managed to pick up something is great. He can’t help that the government have shut his industry down and then he finds another job and that industry gets shut down as well.

What exactly is he supposed to do during a month long lockdown?

Presumably as soon as everything opens again he will be back to working

I would think that any half decent football coach would have been furloughed, Oliversmummy. Are you normally this gullible? All sport has been affected in thus way, and football isn't even played half the year anyway, so I would assume that he has a peripatetic "career" anyway. He doesn't seem to have regular work, or to be able to keep a job. He is a casual worker at best.

God forbid this great man should join the many of us who were actually resourceful enough in our lives not only to equip ourselves with qualifications, but obtain new jobs in the middle of this pandemic!

Hi all, thank you again for your contribution.

To answer some PPs, what really concerns me about this man isn't the temporary unemployment, but the fact that he doesn't seem to have a clear plan on how to move forward. I have been laid off in the past and have been through periods of unemployment, but I have always rolled up up my sleeves and actively started applying for jobs/ attending courses/ retraining (if necessary)/ networking. Everyone can go through a bad spell with work! But it is the attitude that makes the difference.

This particular man seemed very passive and laid back about his situation. Based on what he said, it sounded like he didn't exactly know what to do next. Considering that this man is 40 years old, I find that attitude a bit concerning indeed.

As I mentioned up-thread, my last relationship was with a man who was 45 years old and also had an unstable work situation + a pretty reckless attitude with money. Unfortunately, I see too many potential similarities here between my ex-bf and this new guy, so I might have to give it a pass.

Well, I left my boyfriend of my 20s exactly for that, no plan, whichever plan, but a plan. He was three years older than me and I wanted to finish university, then job hunt, better my qualifications and have steady employment. When I finished my course he still hadn´t finished his, was surprised when I asked him, how many subjects he owed and when would he finish and apply for work in his field...I realised it was going nowhere. My now DH has been in and out of jobs in his field IT for 10 years, but he never was unemployed for long and did many many interviews. I had no problem with that, projects started and finished. What pissed me off was he got into debt unnecessarily and his idea of money administering was atrocious. I am organised and first bills are paid then you spend on pleasure, not the other way round. I will never forgive him for that. So, no, I wouldn´t date him seriously. Not husband or father of your children material.

I would think that any half decent football coach would have been furloughed, Oliversmummy. Are you normally this gullible? All sport has been affected in thus way, and football isn't even played half the year anyway, so I would assume that he has a peripatetic "career" anyway. He doesn't seem to have regular work, or to be able to keep a job. He is a casual worker at best

The football coaches I know work all year round and have all been furloughed.
Just because professional football isn’t played at certain times doesn’t mean coaching stops in all formats so I don’t see why I am being gullible

God forbid this great man should join the many of us who were actually resourceful enough in our lives not only to equip ourselves with qualifications, but obtain new jobs in the middle of this pandemic

Well Dp has a list of qualifications and can’t seem to find another job. He was about to join a new company when lockdown came and the job disappeared

Dd and Ds both lost their income during the first lockdown and it hasn’t come back

They have applied for many jobs. Dd has been lucky, more because of who she knows rather than someone actually picking her CV out of 1000s and has managed to get 3 weeks work in the run up to Christmas but even that is on a knife edge if the areas infection rate goes up.

Glad you have found finding work so easy. You have been lucky. Lots of people just can’t find work.

Are you saying the millions who are now on UC just aren’t resourceful or have been somehow lazy in not getting the right qualifications?

From my own personal experience.. no! Never again.

I dated someone a few years back who painted himself as having his own fitness business. Turns out he didn't. In reality, he held women's evening aerobic classes in community centres where he encouraged them to pay in cash so he could avoid paying tax.

He also did some cash in hand work as a labourer for his friend.

Occasionally he would work some weekends as a tour guide for some extra cash.

He had no stable income and was always scraping to get by. His car was running on fumes. He would frequently fall into arrears with his rent and just manage to pay it in time to avoid getting penalised.

He told me he found it hard to get credit because someone once fraudulently used his details/account to launder £10k

On a few occasions when we'd go out, he would ask if I could pay his share and he'd pay me back. To be fair, he did always transfer the money over to me a day or two later once he'd recieved cash from helping his mate or saved up his takings from the aerobic classes.

I later found out that he had been declared bankrupt, which is the real reason he couldn't get credit. I also found out he couldn't get a bank account and he had to get a friend to open one in their own name for him to use.
I also found out that he used the aerobic classes and tour guide job as a means to meet and chat up other women... needless to say I binned him off pretty sharpish.

The unemployment in itself wouldn’t put me off, but maybe if he seems to have no work ethic it would.

For example, my current boyfriend works (brutally hard). in a minimum wage job, I’m a professional, that disparity doesn’t bother me even slightly. But I have been with lazy men before, married two in fact, and that annoyed me a lot after a while.

Op, take it from someone who did this not once but THREE times before finally coming to her senses: do not get involved with this chap.