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Original poster

Would you date an unemployed man if you had a good career?

151 replies

StefInTheLandOfCrazy · 29/11/2020 16:04

Hi all, I am relatively new to Mumsnet and I am really enjoying exploring the forum and learning about the Mumsnet world.

I have recently started online dating after a really tough romantic disappointment at the beginning of the year. I am 31, never married, no DC. I am very career-oriented and have built a good career for myself. I am also careful with money, always save 30% of my income and dabble in investment. I really value my financial stability and the independence and security that having savings gives me.

Recently I have been out on a date with a man whom I found attractive and funny, and we had a really good time. However, he seems to have an unstable work situation, he used to work as a football coach and he is currently "between gigs". Essentially it didn't sound like he had a plan about getting things back on track with his job. He has been "between gigs" for 8 months now. He also doesn't seem to be very comfortable financially, which is unsurprising given that he is essentially unemployed.

A friend of mine told me that she thinks that based on this information, this man does not seem very compatible with me, as I am someone who values work, planning, and financial stability a lot (which is true). In the past, I lent a lot of money to an ex-boyfriend who was struggling financially and in the end he didn't treat me very nicely at all and didn't give me the money back when he suddenly broke up with me and disappeared (we are talking several thousand pounds). I think she is concerned that I might find myself in the position of being taken advantage of financially by a boyfriend again.

I feel a bit conflicted about this guy, as I enjoyed spending time with him and I did find him attractive. He seems like a nice person. At the same time, I wonder if I should take my friend's advice to heart, be a bit more careful and "throw this one back into the pond".

What do you guys think? Would you date someone who is professionally unstable or unemployed, if you were someone who values career progression and financial stability? Or would it be a big red flag for you?

OP posts:
Gigheimer · 29/11/2020 19:16

No been there FAR too many times throw him back.

Ex DH was shit career wise and I came away thousands and thousands the poorer with never a penny paid for the kids.

Made the same mistake again with someone chronically bad with money (though employed), he ended up asking to borrow and got dumped.

Thing is I started OLD with the opinion that I didn’t care what money someone had I cared who they were.

Moved on to not caring what money they had so long as they didn’t need mine.

Now firmly of the unpopular opinion that I want someone with money.

Not because it defines them hut because:

A - I don’t want someone expecting to live on me

And even if they didn’t

B - I want a certain style of life that I’ve worked hard for. I want to be able to do things, eat out, go for mini breaks etc. And someone with no money would restrict that life unless I paid

C - career stability and financial security, even if on a low income would denote actually that the person themselves is driven, sensible and self motivated. Which is important as personality characteristics to me.

Feckless bad boys are hot, but a pain in the Arse for an actual partner.

carreterra · 29/11/2020 19:18

OP, you have raised such an interesting question, i've enjoyed reading all the replies. Have you noticed that so many celebrities have dated/married men who either have much lower paid jobs? E.g. Katie Price, Ulrika Johnson etc. The relationships have not lasted due to a mixture of resentment and the high expectations of the women concerned, or maybe it was the men who had high expectations of an easy life?

carreterra · 29/11/2020 19:23

P.S. What Gigheimer said, with bells on !

Isthisnothing · 29/11/2020 19:24

No way. He doesn't sound out of his comfort zone so this sounds like the norm for him. I would not like to compromise my lifestyle with someone like this.

OhDearMuriel · 29/11/2020 19:25

No you're opposite ends of the spectrum.

A big mistake we can all make is we think we can change people.

LolaSmiles · 29/11/2020 19:25

I wouldn't be put off if someone had been made redundant or was out of work for a short time if they had the drive to get back into work.

I'd consider apathy, reluctance to get a job, a desire to mess around being picky about a job because they want a niche area that's not stable to be a red flag.

Mumoflil1 · 29/11/2020 19:28

Please don't. You'll regret it. The resentment will build if you decide to have kids. Run!

Infinitethings · 29/11/2020 19:30

Btw it might not apply in your case but a general warning to other women in this position, if the relationship progressed to marriage and children you would be far worse off if you divorced with him being entitled to the assets/money you had saved/invested in property but not being in a position to pay child maintenance. (Yes happened to me.)

Groovinpeanut · 29/11/2020 19:31

I guess it depends what kind of relationship you are currently wanting OP. If you're just dipping your toe into dating, and just looking to have a good time, and not too much commitment just yet it may be fine. If you like him and he's good fun.
If you are looking for something more committed and with someone of a similar work ethic, attitudes towards financial goals etc. I think he'd be anything but.
Your friends know you, and know your stance on things. If they're telling you to not persue it, then it may be wise to heed their advice.

billy1966 · 29/11/2020 19:49

Don't go there OP.

He's 40, he's set in his ways.

Men his age, with no plan except to drift along are surprisingly astute when it comes to spotting aood prospect...YOU.

You are only 31 why would commit to wasting time with someone much older who sounds directionless.

AspiringAmazon · 29/11/2020 19:52

Wonder if people would have the same opinion if the genders were reversed Hmm
For what it’s worth, OP, I think anyone can fall on hard times and flounder for a bit. Doesn’t make them a bad person or someone who should be shunned like a bloody leper.
Having said that, it does sound like you would be fundamentally incompatible in the long run as you describe yourself as being very organized and he seems to be the type that goes with the flow.

bluewindows · 29/11/2020 19:54

If you find a lack of ambition and a weak work ethic attractive, or even acceptable, then you may be able to get past this. I couldn't but that's just me, I guess.

user1481840227 · 29/11/2020 19:58

No.

If it were to last and you were the main breadwinner then he would more than likely be the stay at home parent if you have children.

That wouldn't necessarily be an issue except for I've heard of women who are the main breadwinners who split from their partners and the dad gets custody (even though the mother was willing to reorganise her life/working life) and the mother only gets weekend access. It's just not a risk I would personally be willing to take!

LolaSmiles · 29/11/2020 20:02

Wonder if people would have the same opinion if the genders were reversed
Absolutely.
Taking our physical attraction, because I don't find lack of work ethic attractive in a potential partner, I'd encourage anyone to be wary about a potential romantic partner who is aimless, out of work, doesn't have a drive to work. It's all too easy to get into a relationship and then drift into a situation where one partner expects the other to financially support them whilst they find themselves/unilaterally decide they want to be a SAHP / spend months making excuses because they only want a job that they like for less than 10 hours a week.
Being a cocklodger or fannylodger is not attractive quality.

Somethingkindaoooo · 29/11/2020 20:13

Nah.

If I lost my job and was floundering, the LAST thing I would do is start online dating. Wouldn't you?

If he was in a crisis stage in his life, then he would be digging himself out. Him looking to date suggests he is either very comfy there, or he's looking for someone to bail him out.

Either way, no security there for you

Heyahun · 29/11/2020 20:18

When I met my now husband - he was 33 unemployed at that point for a year or so - suited me though at the time, I was a bit younger than him and wasn’t really in a great job myself (I’d Recently returned from a 2 year working visa abroad)

We both ended up getting alright jobs for a bit and we went off travelling for 6 months

When we got back we both settled down a bit and now he’s been in work consistently for 8 years and earns over 100k as he’s really climbed the ladder at work!

Sooo he really did get his act together - just a bit later than some

So who know maybe he’s just a late starter

But maybe you don’t want to wait to find out

Bunnymumy · 29/11/2020 20:30

Tbf, I actually ONLY tend to date between jobs. More time to commit to it then. I'm always able to pay my own way with savings or by taking in a lodger or whatever though.

Met someone new recently and its given me the courage to job hunt again. Because I was worried he might think i was a boring cow if I didnt lol. You might find that given a chance he will feel that if there is someone else to worry about, he will want to better himself - for them.

I think you have to take things on an individual by individual basis. Eg: they might not be working atm but could own their own home ect... then there are other potential bonuses like: drives, has a degree ect...

VivaMiltonKeynes · 29/11/2020 21:00

In your situation my first thought was NO and when you then added he was 40 it was very definitely NO !!!

Writerandreader · 29/11/2020 21:32

Surely more importantly than money is the total lack of drive ambition and energy. Totally and utterly off-putting.

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/11/2020 21:39

He has been "between gigs" for 8 months now. He also doesn't seem to be very comfortable financially, which is unsurprising given that he is essentially unemployed

Dp, dd and Ds have been unemployed since the first lockdown. They are grabbing days here and there.
Unfortunately they were about to start a Christmas job and now that has been cancelled as the area has been put in tier 3

The question is would you normally date a football coach? presumably when this shit is all over he will go back to his job.

I don’t think being unemployed during this time is a big deal

yeOldeTrout · 29/11/2020 21:48

I have a cousin (well educated, high salary) who married a guy who struggles to stay in any one job. I picked up from another relative that the husband has ADHD. He can work very hard but struggle to keep steady income. Tries various things.

Cousin treats him like a child. In mixed adult company she'll literally ask him if he is wearing pants & not showing off his bits. It's very uncomfortable to be present. They stay together, but I don' t how.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/11/2020 22:29

No. Not because I expect a man to pay for everything but I wouldn’t want to pay for another adults expenses. A work ethic, rather than the job/career itself, is something I look for. I expect them to be able to pay their half of bills etc. I dislike laziness in a partner so would expect them to work.

GreenlandTheMovie · 29/11/2020 22:34

No, I wouldn't. I've dated two men with trust funds who weren't employed, and they were bad enough. The lack of need to maintain a regular schedule was one thing, but neither felt any need to "fit in", in the way a professional might in a workplace or career, so they felt entitled to behave quite badly in terms of being unfaithful and flitting from one relationship to another.

I'm not saying this doesn't happen amongst employed men too, but in my experience, men with careers tend to be more careful about what people think of them.

Schoolisback1973 · 29/11/2020 22:37

I married to one for 7 years. He was in out of jobs. He kept changing direction, finding himself. Now 8 years on at 45, he is again without a job.
I am forever link with this man. He is the father of my only child.
No, no, no! Run, massive red flag

ilovetomatoes · 29/11/2020 22:41

I think the issue is just having completely different priorities about money and work. There are many articles that cite money as one of the main issues couples argue about. My husband and I are completely aligned on this in terms of what we want to achieve and how we spend. We often talk about how blessed we are that we never argue about these things. Life is so stressful in many other ways without adding this to the mix. I would move on now if I were you as it’s unlikely to get better.