Would you date an unemployed man if you had a good career?

[StefInTheLandOfCrazy]

Hi all, I am relatively new to Mumsnet and I am really enjoying exploring the forum and learning about the Mumsnet world.

I have recently started online dating after a really tough romantic disappointment at the beginning of the year. I am 31, never married, no DC. I am very career-oriented and have built a good career for myself. I am also careful with money, always save 30% of my income and dabble in investment. I really value my financial stability and the independence and security that having savings gives me.

Recently I have been out on a date with a man whom I found attractive and funny, and we had a really good time. However, he seems to have an unstable work situation, he used to work as a football coach and he is currently "between gigs". Essentially it didn't sound like he had a plan about getting things back on track with his job. He has been "between gigs" for 8 months now. He also doesn't seem to be very comfortable financially, which is unsurprising given that he is essentially unemployed.

A friend of mine told me that she thinks that based on this information, this man does not seem very compatible with me, as I am someone who values work, planning, and financial stability a lot (which is true). In the past, I lent a lot of money to an ex-boyfriend who was struggling financially and in the end he didn't treat me very nicely at all and didn't give me the money back when he suddenly broke up with me and disappeared (we are talking several thousand pounds). I think she is concerned that I might find myself in the position of being taken advantage of financially by a boyfriend again.

I feel a bit conflicted about this guy, as I enjoyed spending time with him and I did find him attractive. He seems like a nice person. At the same time, I wonder if I should take my friend's advice to heart, be a bit more careful and "throw this one back into the pond".

What do you guys think? Would you date someone who is professionally unstable or unemployed, if you were someone who values career progression and financial stability? Or would it be a big red flag for you?

Yeah, I did, we’re no longer together (not related to him being unemployed when we met), by the end of the relationship he earned significantly more than me.

@HotSince63

He also doesn't seem to be very comfortable financially

I take it that means he's unable to pay his way on dates?

Your friend is right. Throw this one back.

He paid for his own coffee, but he made a couple of comments during the conversation that suggested that money is tight at the moment.

I'd be very careful. I ignored everyone and married a man who had far less than me. It took me a while to notice the snide remarks and he developed a horrible attitude towards me. He was essentially a cocklodger and tried to rinse me when I divorced him (after me telling everyone he'd never be like that and money wasn't important to him). Lesson learned for me and I wouldn't hesitate to warn anyone else about getting into the same situation as I did.

Eight months, i.e. since April, when the football world stopped due to Covid? Isn't almost everyone in certain sectors between gigs now?

When I met my current bf he was just going from self-employed to looking for a job. He's over 50, and at one point I read an article saying that over-50s take 1.5 years on average to get a new job. As it turned out, it took him 1 year and 3 months, so below average, but that meant that for the first year, he was unemployed. So yes, I would, personally, date someone who was unemployed. But obviously I'm over 50, and not looking to get married or have children. In your position I wouldn't be as laid back. But is 8 months actually a long time to be unemployed in his field in normal times, let alone this year? What are his prospects if and when he does get a job? And what's his attitude like?

My bf and I always shared the cost of dates, at my insistence - he's actually very generous by nature. The only difference was that we didn't got an expensive dates - but he came up with good ideas. Is your guy relying on you to pay more, or is he also sharing?

Avoid!

I've always been the bread winner in every relationship. I'm not sure what it's like to date someone on equal or higher than my earnings so personally it wouldn't put me off too much. It depends though. I have no intention of merging finances with someone ever again so their wage whilst limiting on holidays etc wouldn't bother me

He's already started his next "gig".

You.

I agree with the others who say that if this is Covid related then that's one thing, but if he has a shaky employment history then I wouldn't be interested.

As it’s been eight months it’s unlikely this is about Covid

He’s a football coach. Covid has cut the sports industry in half and has been the biggest disruption to sports since WWII. The 2020 Olympics have been postponed until next year for example. I’m not at all shocked that someone in the sports industry has been unemployed since April. And given that 2020 us a write off and U.K. is in a second lockdown, the and vaccine is needed to be administered large scale before mass events can be held, it’s unlikely sports will start to recover until spring 2021 at the earliest.

He paid for his own coffee, but he made a couple of comments during the conversation that suggested that money is tight at the moment.

Hmm. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't mind the occasional cheap coffee date or free walk in the park, but I also like eating out, going to the cinema or theatre, visiting London for the day, afternoon cocktails (obviously pre-covid).

How about you? Are you up for months of free or cheap dating, or is he expecting you to start paying for hm?

Your friend is right, throw this one back. Find someone with the same sort of attitude you have about finances. Am sure your ex bf was nice as this man is to begin with, this one sounds like a not too dissimilar version of your ex when it comes to money. You are 31 and you do not have to settle. You also do not need a project or a fixer upper for a man.

He's online looking for his next gig, a woman to cocklodger with.
He'll sex you up good as that's the only skill he has.
He'll quickly profess love and want to move in. He'll spend his time drinking, hanging out with mates, car or motorcycle hobby. He'll occasionally work cash in hand a day here or there.
You'll be paying for him as well as cooking and cleaning up after him playing mummy to a 40 year old man child.

Throw this one back.

no i wouldnt as i would want to marry /buy houses etc and wouldnt want to risk losing some assets to a man who was unemployed. and i wouldnt want to risk him being a sponger.

It’s better to not get invested when the red flags are clearly there early on. The different core values will cause issues .

If you can date for a bit of fun and let him go if you find out he really isn't intending to moving forwards employment - wise, then do so.

If you want something more serious, it would still be ok to see him for a while and find out the answers as to why he isn't in work at the moment.

But if you're afraid of falling in too deep and finding it hard to let go, it would be better to cut your losses now.

It depends what you want. If you want some fun, don't mind paying for both of you and just want a bit of a fling or someone to date then no problem that he's like this. If you want someone to have an LT relationship with, then I think you have to be on the same page in terms of career prospects, how you approach life and money.

My advice would be to move on though, just in case you get in too deep and think about bailing him out as you did your ex.

If he had been made redundant and was actively and energetically looking for work it might be ok, but if he's just dossing around i'd just drop him. I suspect that he sees you as his 'Golden Ticket'.

It's a very personal decision but I see both sides.

I currently earn at least 3 times more than my DH. When I got my first big pay rise he quit his job to start a business full time. We have a "what's mine is yours" attitude and share everything equally.

I don't mind at all that I earn more than him. But he has a very strong work ethic and always works extremely hard. That is important to me and I don't think I could be with someone long term who didn't work hard.

That's just my opinion, and you have to make your own decision. But make sure it's your choice and not you friends.

Nope. If find it unattractive

Hell no. My partner lost his normal job due to COVID. He was self employed so couldn’t be furloughed, and wasn’t entitled to the self employed package. Bearing in mind that his job was high paid and high in responsibility (supervising hundreds of men on an industrial plant), but when he lost it he had too much self respect to claim benefits. He applied for between 40-60 jobs a week until he got offered a day job in a peanut factory, and weekend evenings unpacking lorries, both jobs for minimum wage. Did that for 4 months until the plant reopened and he could reapply for his old job. There’s absolutely no excuse for a 40 year old man to be out of work for 8 months and doing absolutely nothing about it.

Short-term unemployed, otherwise driven and motivated, actively looking for work: fine

Long-term unemployed, not too bothered about finding work: nope

It also depends what you're looking for. You're 31. Do you want marriage and children? Or just a bit of fun? Because this guy might be fine for casual dating. But if you want marriage and children you'd be wasting your time seeing him when you need to keep looking for someone more suitable.

He sounds like an absolute waster. Don't go down this route, please!

If he's a decent enough guy, and you fancy him, maybe just keep him as a FWB but nothing more.

I wouldn’t date a man in the situation you describe but there are other times I would eg recent redundancy from a good career and realistic prospects of returning to a decent salary in the near future or someone wealthy enough in their own right to not need to work.

No. No way. Nope.
Think it might build resentment eventually, OP.
I speak from experience as actually married the bugger before realising how much I resented it. Separated now but it took a long time to extricate myself from him.

Absolutely do not get involved with this man.

I don’t know why you can’t see it but you are absolutely 100% repeating history all over again.

These people are not projects you should take on, you have enough to keep yourself busy with.