Would you date an unemployed man if you had a good career?

[StefInTheLandOfCrazy]

Hi all, I am relatively new to Mumsnet and I am really enjoying exploring the forum and learning about the Mumsnet world.

I have recently started online dating after a really tough romantic disappointment at the beginning of the year. I am 31, never married, no DC. I am very career-oriented and have built a good career for myself. I am also careful with money, always save 30% of my income and dabble in investment. I really value my financial stability and the independence and security that having savings gives me.

Recently I have been out on a date with a man whom I found attractive and funny, and we had a really good time. However, he seems to have an unstable work situation, he used to work as a football coach and he is currently "between gigs". Essentially it didn't sound like he had a plan about getting things back on track with his job. He has been "between gigs" for 8 months now. He also doesn't seem to be very comfortable financially, which is unsurprising given that he is essentially unemployed.

A friend of mine told me that she thinks that based on this information, this man does not seem very compatible with me, as I am someone who values work, planning, and financial stability a lot (which is true). In the past, I lent a lot of money to an ex-boyfriend who was struggling financially and in the end he didn't treat me very nicely at all and didn't give me the money back when he suddenly broke up with me and disappeared (we are talking several thousand pounds). I think she is concerned that I might find myself in the position of being taken advantage of financially by a boyfriend again.

I feel a bit conflicted about this guy, as I enjoyed spending time with him and I did find him attractive. He seems like a nice person. At the same time, I wonder if I should take my friend's advice to heart, be a bit more careful and "throw this one back into the pond".

What do you guys think? Would you date someone who is professionally unstable or unemployed, if you were someone who values career progression and financial stability? Or would it be a big red flag for you?

Why is he dating if he has nothing to offer? I dont understand men like this. Surly all his energy should be focused on getting a plan and taking care of himself not looking for love. What would you find appealing about a man you might have to take care of financially? I'm afraid that's what children are for not grown ass adults. My friend tried being the breadwinner with a man who had no drive and had a child with him. Total disaster
Like having two kids instead of one. Throw him back and find a man with a plan.

I have before. Not someone who wasn't even looking for work though, that would be a turnoff. I admit I would find it difficult now. I've got DC and I work as well - I want to be with someone who can afford to go out on my "nights off".

@lockdownbreakdown

Why is he dating if he has nothing to offer? I dont understand men like this. Surly all his energy should be focused on getting a plan and taking care of himself not looking for love. What would you find appealing about a man you might have to take care of financially? I'm afraid that's what children are for not grown ass adults. My friend tried being the breadwinner with a man who had no drive and had a child with him. Total disaster Like having two kids instead of one. Throw him back and find a man with a plan.

Well to be fair, unemployed peoooe are allowed to date too

No way.

My partner earns less than me and my earning potential will likely always outweighs his BUT he has always been in a steady job and is no slacker. There is nothing wrong being with a man who earns less than you but it's whole different story if he is a cock lodger.

Op, there's loads of blokes like this. It's usually football and/or a band. Their casual, fun approach to life is very beguiling. They go with the flow, know how to have a good laugh, good chat. You will have great sex. Ultimately they'll never change, and the teenage act will begin to wear thin. Your values don't align, so any real long term future is a no go.

You could use him for sex and a laugh but don't fall for him.

I’m in a similar position to the OP and there’s no way on earth I would date a man like this. In fact, based on the fact he’s been “between gigs” for 8 months, I’d be worried that he sees you as an easy target!

It's not the being currently unemployed it's the apparent lack of drive and being "drifter" rather than a planner that would put me off and given what you say about your own personality, I would guess it would cause issues further down the line.

Mmmm. If he was football coaching kids this was probably part time anyway. Some people do this sort of job on Saturday in addition to their regular work.

Well to be fair, unemployed peoooe are allowed to date too

Of course they are. No-one is disputing that. But unless they've got a passive income then the dates they go on are going to be pretty dull aren't they because they don't have much money? There's coffee shops and theres walks in the park. Most people want more from dating. Meals out, cocktails, cinema trips, etc.

The best thing is for unemployed people to date each other.

No way.

Probably not. Unless there were extenuating circumstances - eg high unemployment in the area, disability, caring for relatives. Otherwise I would want a partner to get any type of job (eg deliveries, temp stuff) to be able to pay bills/save. Before kids, unless there are specific reasons, I would expect partner to work.

No I wouldn't....if I was looking for a serious relationship. It's the reason I broke up with someone in the past. I got fed up of his unemployed status and he didn't see it as much of an issue.

What does he mean he's "between gigs" . I though a gig was a live-music event?

^

He's just trying to sound cooler than he is.

Also, depending on which country you live in, football coaches can be in very high or low demand. If he's an ex Man Utd forward between coaching 'gigs', fair enough. If not then I'd take it all with a pinch of salt!

They go with the flow, know how to have a good laugh, good chat.

^
Yeah it's fab when you're 19, not 40.

It's a personal choice obviously but my experience is me having a very good career/own home when I met now DH. He was self employed, sofa surfing with little prospects on the face of it. 4 years later, we are married, mortgage free and he earns significantly more than me and is likely to continue to do so though to our (early) retirement. Look at the person...not their earning potential.

I Did this ONCE - dumped when he asked me to pay for his tattoo to be finished 😂

The best thing is for unemployed people to date each other

Seriously are you on the wind up? 😂

I wouldn't.

You have a track record of attracting users.
He seems unconcerned by being out of work for 8 months.
You're a grafter.
He's a drifter. (And possibly a grifter).
It's a big old mismatch in who you are as people. Unless of course you would be happy being the main (or possibly sole) breadwinner.

If he’s older than me, chronically unemployed, bummy, no ambition, living with his parents etc then hell no

I’m in my early 20s. If he’s similar to me in that he went to university, is the same age, we get on well, have mutual friends etc then I’d give him a chance as his situation could just be that he’s actively looking for a job after graduating but struggling. Many people are finding job hunting difficult with COVID.

No way. I wouldn't consider starting a relationship with a man with no job and no drive to get a good job.

Yes, people do lose jobs and sometimes have a short period of looking for a new job. However, this man doesn't seem driven to look for a new job and seems very unconcerned with his situation. Big red flag.

As a pp said, you could have a casual relationship with him if you like but be wary of this as you do not want to be drawn into funding him.

Absolutely not. No way. Never.

This ^^

He paid for his own coffee, but he made a couple of comments during the conversation that suggested that money is tight at the moment.

Hinting you should pay?

Yes. But if I was to be dating at some point in the future that would mean I was widowed or divorced and if that happens I have no intention of moving a man into my home whilst I still have minor DC. So for me future dating really would be dating- sex and fun, not setting up a life together with all the considerations of who funds what etc.

No from me. If it was just because this year has been horrific then fair enough but hearing more context, it's a firm no from me.

- If that is relevant, he is 40 years old so not exactly a spring chicken (but then again I am no spring chicken either!).

Yes this is v relevant.

He has targeted you and will do the love bombing bit to reel you in - full of charisma and charm. As PP have said you are his next “gig”. His RS history will be telling - but you will never get the truth - just the spin. Don’t even hang with his one for some fun because you have poor personal boundaries already and will fall for it.

You are not compatible. And you are a spring chicken. If you are working, saving and investing so that you can have a home and a family this type will ensure this doesn’t happen. He will waste your precious fertile years and drain your cash.

Nope, I was married to one for 20 years who thought because I pad fopr everything he could pick and choose jobs or just be unemployed when he felt like it. I lost all respect for him and didn't want to be with him anymore.
He didn't pull his weight at home either, left me to do everything. Didn't notice I was getting ill working full time because I am partially disabled and thought everynight was fun time because he'd done nothing all day but I was knackered from work.
He wanted to go away every single weekend but I would have liked to stay at home some weekends and work on the garden.
I remember wishing he was dead at the end of our marriage and I'd be much more choosy next time. Why choose a dead beat if you don't have to.