What’s it like being single ? Serious question )

[Emmie12345]

Stupid question really but I never have been !

I am starting to feel current relationship isn’t right for a number of reasons - I met my partner very soon after my marriage ended so never really had time on my own .

I’m scared that being single is stopping me ending things thoiugh - we don’t live together , which I suppose means i am used to time alone

Has anyone got any Advice ?

@eckhart, well thank you for explaining your thoughts. This kind of illustrates one of my points - the difficulty in understanding what others mean by what they say or how they act.
It seems that we are on the same page in how we understand the relationships. We're both saying that personal integrity are important. And that we cannot guarantee how others will react to us.

@Separatedandabitsad I replied to you in a rush this morning, but wanted to say - I'm fortunate to be in a good partnership, and I don't underestimate the value in that.
But I'm not able to have children. I know that one day, in all probabilities, I'll be on my own again, as I have been for the first 30 years of my life (apart from odd flings and good friends).
I see this happen to older friends.
We need to build up our resilience, so we can cope. I've no doubt I will have a rich life of hobbies and friendships. But there's nothing that can compare with having children and I don't want to dismiss that. pain.
Nor do I underestimate the pain of having children and being a single parent, or having children and them going off and making their way in the world, which is just what you want them to do, but barely seeing them...I think we are scared of admitting our loneliness, so we dress it up with 'but this is a great opportunity for self care'.
It absolutely is a great opportunity for that. But we're social animals. We need touch and contact.

"However, my interpretation of your interpretation of relationships (of any kind) is that they are like a bank account. You put money (goodwill and kindness) in, you can draw it out later. The relationship is hence a reliable indication of your worth as a person and the amount of work you have invested.
This is absolutely-tippity-top-1000% not my experience."

Like everything in life, there is a lot that is random and down to luck. Also, some people may put a lot of effort into friendships but are just not talented at it. Some others may make no effort at all, but have been popular since early childhood.

@HouseHunter2021

As much as I love my DP of 2.5 years, our relationship is still new enough that I can remember how it felt to be single and I really miss it sometimes. To come home and there was absolutely no one in my house, the house was spotless, nothing out of place, I could eat what I wanted and didn’t have to make full blown dinners or be concerned what someone else wanted to eat, could sleep in my king size bed by myself with no one snoring like a demon (sigh), could even go to bed straight after uni/work if I felt like it. Now I feel like I’m being antisocial if I do that. My telly has been taken over and he watches the same stuff over and over again on terrestrial tv even though I’ve got Netflix and Prime with lots of different things on them 🤷🏽‍♀️

I did get lonely sometimes and he definitely fills that part of my life but I do miss the complete silence sometimes.

ALL of that is to do with cohabiting though and wouldn't be relevant to a 'boyfriend-girlfriend' relationship which is also being considered as 'not single' for the purpose of this discussion.

I love it and have no plans to ever stop being single

Thank you @stillcountingmyvotes I appreciate your words.

@Gwenhwyfar, yes, completely agree.
You expressed far more articulately what I was trying to do in my long rambling message.

@Separatedandabitsad, you're welcome

[quote stillcountingmyvotes]@Gwenhwyfar, yes, completely agree.
You expressed far more articulately what I was trying to do in my long rambling message.[/quote]
Thanks Still. There's a lot of tension on this thread. It seems that some women saying being single can be hard really winds up some others. For what it's worth, I'm long-term single and likely to remain so forever. I'm not totally unhappy with it, but I feel I should be able to moan a bit if I want to.

@Gwenhwyfar agree & I'm finding that tension really interesting. What's scary about admitting as a single person that sometimes you get lonely?
I wonder if people are feeling that admitting this= admitting we are weak vessels who need to be in a relationship to be happy.
Which, of course, is rubbish.
But can't we admit that we all need touch and connection sometimes?
I see this as political, all part of the 'there's no such thing as society'. But that could be just me.

Eckhart comes across as almost militant in her advocacy of the single life, permitting no shades of grey. I'm an introvert but by god I need social interaction and nurturing. Eckhart is amazingly lucky to have all these friends on tap to provide what she needs.

On a side note, please share these enriching and absorbing hobbies you all enjoy - I need some inspiration!

"On a side note, please share these enriching and absorbing hobbies you all enjoy - I need some inspiration!"

When lockdown started (still in lockdown here) I realised my main hobbies were going to the pub with friends, going to cafes with friends or alone and window shopping. Now I'm stuck with just going online!
I have a couple of weeks off at Christmas and can't go to see my family so would really like to do something that's not just going online or watching TV.
I'm not crafty or musical or anything like that...

The other problem with that is a lot of hobbies are either expensive or designed to be done with other people.

My hobby is horses. I simply couldn’t afford to buy a horse, keep a horse (would need full livery, as worked full time) shoe a horse, insure a horse and pay for all the associated paraphernalia horses entail. Well, I probably could but it would involve sacrificing everything else.

I don’t have a horse at present but when DS and any other children I have are older, I might. It’s SO much easier when mortgages and bills are split!

these threads come up so often

no I don’t leap out of bed every morning full of the joys of being single, I get out of bed and get on with my life, in which I just happen to be single.
It took me a long time to learn to be happy as a singleton, I was miserable as sin for several after my long term realationship broke up.
Being single does not mean being alone, I have my son and enough friends.

Like many people I’ve been working at home since March and I hate it, I miss people, I miss company but I’d feel the same if I had a partner.

Enriching and inspiring hobbies - I have many interests - cinema, theatre, gigs, my allotment has kept me going over lockdowns - fresh air, its naturally socially distanced so I still get to talk to my neighbours. I do some training and buddy with prospective adopters and write articles and blogs about adoption. There are many, many things I’d like to do but at the moment I don’t have time - in normal times I’m never short of things to do

@MoiraCrows

Militant? That suggests that I or you think there are rules. My only rule is 'look after yourself', and means different things to everybody. Is 'look after yourself' militant? Are you sure you know what militant actually means?!

I think it's very important for everybody to have a high degree of independence, because, as we all know, anyone can let you down at any time, including your partner.

What makes you assume I'm female?

Ooh, and also @MoiraCrows

In terms of hobbies, I've generally got a few personal challenges on the go. Currently I'm trying to run further each month than the last, learning an instrument (still rubbish at it but it's fun trying and making improvements) and reading the entire Booker Prizewinner back catalogue. I find I get more engrossed in things if there's a bigger end goal than the thing itself, so it's good to go for a run, but even gooder if it adds to a rolling total that will be a goal in itself.

What makes you assume I'm female

I think it's a fair assumption to make on this forum. Are you?

There's a lot of blokes on MN, but not everybody realises.

@eckhart, thanks for sharing your hobbies with us.
I'm not talking about that, though.
I also have loads of hobbies, to the extent that I can't wait until I retire and can devote myself to them (unfortunately a long way away from that)
I'm also with a partner and have dear friends, so I'm talking about my past, but possibly some single people's present
There are some things which, however well resourced and creative and independent you are, you simply can't get as a single person
Things which, research shows us, are immensely good for our physiological wellbeing and mental health
Touch
Physical closeness (potentially including, but not exclusively, sex)
Another body/voice in your home

Whether you're a man or a woman, I don't want to pry, but as a human being, you'll have these needs, too
Share with us how you get these needs met, and you might make some headway with your passionate desire to help us see that independence is possible

'look after yourself' - possibly my academic training, but this is a very 20thc, Western, post-Christian, Neo-liberal idea
There's nothing fundamentally true about this

@stillcountingmyvotes

Well, perhaps we have differing views on this?

Share with us how you get these needs met, and you might make some headway with your passionate desire to help us see that independence is possible

This statement is a bit odd. I'm not on a mission. It's a thread about what it's like to be single. I have been involved with the discussion and tried to provide a viewpoint on questions that have been asked. I think relationships are great and I think singledom is great.

My job (which I had responsibility for choosing) involves a lot of physical contact with people, so that need seems to be met. 'Another body/voice in your home' isn't on Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs. Some people want that, and some don't. Some want it more than others. If I wanted that I'd share a house. I have a dog, who is enough company and warmth within the house, for me. Many people who live alone have pets, so I suspect this is a fairly standard way to meet this need.

I don't understand why you have given 'look after yourself' such ridiculous labels. We all have a responsibility to our wellbeing. One of those responsibilities, as I've mentioned at length upthread, is to make sure you have people in your life to support you when you need help. Why is that very 20thc, Western, post-Christian, Neo-liberal idea, and if it's not fundamentally true, who does have the responsibility for looking after each adult throughout their daily life and ups and downs? Obviously the state has a role when it comes to overarching welfare and healthcare, but that's not what we're talking about here.

Please, enlighten us, on your passionate mission to prove that being single and living alone means that a human being's basic needs cannot be met...

Pets are not people.

I adore mine. I really do. But they are not company in the way that other humans are.

Having a dog as a single person is also very difficult indeed. It ties you to the house to such an extent that it’s hard to do anything else.

Having a dog as a single person is also very difficult indeed. It ties you to the house to such an extent that it’s hard to do anything else

I don't find it difficult having a dog as a single person, and I think it's wrong to present something as a generic fact when everybody is different. There are times when I choose not to do something because of dog care needs, but also, if I need to go away, or be away from home for a day, I use people I have met on an almost free dog-care service to take care of the dog. Nobody is suggesting that pets are people. I was suggesting that for some, myself included, they can be enough to meet certain needs.

You do present things as ‘easy, no big deal why can’t people ...’ though eckhart

I mean, how did you meet the people on the dog care service? By having a dog ... it would be irresponsible to encourage people to go out and buy a dog on this basis, as there are no guarantees.

I couldn’t have a dog when single. I worked five days a week, leaving the house at 730 and returning at around 430. Four hours is around the maximum for a dog to be left but that’s not a reset button, I could have had a dog walker come at 11:30-12:30 but that would still total around seven hours of alone time per day which is too much. Fine as an occasional one off. And it would mean weekends would revolve around the dog.

Now I have a WFH DH and am PT myself so ... a dog is on the cards.

You do present things as ‘easy, no big deal why can’t people ...’ though eckhart

Probably because taking responsibility for my wellbeing comes naturally to me. It often baffles me how people insist on feeling rubbish about things they could change. I used to be miserable. I've never said it's 'no big deal' to do a life overhaul. I just don't understand why people would rather be unhappy than to take on a 'big deal'.

I said I don't find it hard having a dog as a single person. Where have you got the idea that anybody is encouraging anybody to get a dog?

I use a service called Borrow My Doggy. Have a look into it if you're thinking of getting a dog, it's great. It's about £50 a year, and people who wish they had a dog borrow yours. I've had a team of sitters I've known for years now, and I'm sure my dog sees their places as a home from home. She gets very excited when she sees them There's usually someone available (and excited to have some dog-time) if I need dog-care.