What’s it like being single ? Serious question )

[Emmie12345]

Stupid question really but I never have been !

I am starting to feel current relationship isn’t right for a number of reasons - I met my partner very soon after my marriage ended so never really had time on my own .

I’m scared that being single is stopping me ending things thoiugh - we don’t live together , which I suppose means i am used to time alone

Has anyone got any Advice ?

But it's up to you not to be a pain in the arse
I think my friends saw me as someone who would help and who they could talk to about something other than baby stuff.
I never minded going to soft play or to the park if that was the price of maintaining our friendship

@Gwenhwyfar

When I had my op last year I turned up at the ward on my own, I was never asked for a name at any point, I was discharged before my friend arrived. I could very easily have walked ( well shuffled) off the ward and got on the bus or got a taxi

Oh dear.

These tiresome comments about being picked up from hospital are a little bit irrelevant overall, non? And make you sound bitter and joyless.

Perhaps get back to the original point?

"When I had my op last year I turned up at the ward on my own, I was never asked for a name at any point, I was discharged before my friend arrived. I could very easily have walked ( well shuffled) off the ward and got on the bus or got a taxi"

That's good to know, but that was not my experience. They needed the name before they would even schedule the op and then they needed to see the person before they would do it. I couldn't have even lied that someone was coming to get me. (The only bit I managed to lie about was the 24hour thing).

A very casual friend asked me if I could go to an appointment once because she'd been told the same thing. I didn't even know her very well and it was obvious that she was going through her address book/FB list asking various people. Someone else went in the end, but she wasn't a close friend either.

"These tiresome comments about being picked up from hospital are a little bit irrelevant overall, non? And make you sound bitter and joyless."

I suppose that was aimed at me? Even though I'm not the person who brought it up?
I find it very relevant actually and was one of the things that made me feel bad about being single. Then lockdown of course mad it shit.
I don't see why I would care if I 'seem' bitter and joyless. It's a pity you have to insult people to make your argument.

@Gwenhwyfar

I'm not an expert, which is why I was asking questions. Your experience is irrelevant because it was a treatment that could be postponed. The query is what happens when a treatment can't be postponed, upon which I don't think you're an expert either. I suspect, though, that if a treatment can't be postponed, they don't postpone it and let the person die, simply because they don't have a lift home. What do you think happens?

"Your experience is irrelevant because it was a treatment that could be postponed. "

Or just not given at all, which is what would have happened if I refused to give a name and if I hadn't had the operation I would have run the risk of needing an emergency operation down the line or other complication. Not all useful surgery is emergency surgery. So there is still the point that the easiest person to bring along to such an operation is someone you're in a romantic relationship with and not having such a person IS a disadvantage.
Of course, it's not enough of a reason to be in a bad relationship, but it's something that makes being single easier.

So there is still the point that the easiest person to bring along to such an operation is someone you're in a romantic relationship with and not having such a person IS a disadvantage

You're talking rubbish. Whoever is free and willing is easiest, regardless of whether you have sex with them. This is so tedious. You go ahead and have a partner, so that you can have trips to hospital, or feel bitter because you're single and your friends won't help you out. But be aware that it's quite possible for a person who isn't you to be single, and have trips to hospital when they need to.

Woah, let’s be kind.

It can be crap being single, especially at Christmas. And tbh I did get quite bitter. Hard not to, when you’re constantly being told you don’t matter.

It can also be really horrific being in a bad relationship. Especially at Christmas.

Being honest about both those facts doesn’t invalidate the fact some people are happily married and some are very happy single.

"It can be crap being single, especially at Christmas."

Yes, especially in lockdown with travel restrictions. I can't see my family this Christmas so I will be alone.
I'm not bitter about that. I don't know where the idea comes from that I'm bitter just because I've dared to agree with some of the disadvantages of being single. I am not looking forward to this Christmas though.

"It can also be really horrific being in a bad relationship. Especially at Christmas."

Of course. Everybody agrees that it's better to be single than in an unhappy relationships. I just think a good relationship probably has some advantages and some people on here are refusing to even entertain that possibility.

But it’s not my preferred way to live. I like sharing my home, sharing a cuppa, sharing a box set

Being single is tough when all your friends are coupled up. It’s hard financially and there is a lot of stigma sadly. If you are childless you are endlessly reminded of your biological clock

I agree with this & it’s been my experience. I’m trying to enbrace single-hood as it’s where I’m at now, not because it’s what I’d choose. I’d choose a happy relationship over single-hood any day of the week .. & it’s ok to feel that way. Most people I know IRL are coupled up or wish they were. I wish I knew people IRL who love being single but I just don’t...apart from one man who said his marriage was toxic.

I am learning to appreciate it but due to Covid I haven’t touched another person in 6 months. God even a hug would be great right now! The loneliness of being single is valid & we can be independent & crave touch at the same time.

I just think a good relationship probably has some advantages and some people on here are refusing to even entertain that possibility

I totally agree. There's definitely advantages to being in a relationship, just as there are different advantages to not being in a relationship.

As for the hospital debate, it was only when I had an appointment (when I was single years ago) for a procedure that I realised how alone I felt. I asked a friend to help & she did but I felt so indebted to her. She didn’t get back in time & the nurse released me (while I was still mildly sedated) on my own. Of course I could have insisted on waiting on my friend but I felt like I’d be making a fuss. I cried that night as I realised I didn’t have someone who cared about my well-being to that extent and that I had had to ask a favour for it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages to being single but I honestly think there are disadvantages too and maybe different personality types are better suited but just as women on MN speak about their unhappy relationships, so too should people be comfortable expressing the unhappy elements of single status.

just as women on MN speak about their unhappy relationships, so too should people be comfortable expressing the unhappy elements of single status

And men.

I totally agree. Anybody can make the best or worst of any relationship status. We are all responsible for our individual wellbeing, and making sure our needs are met. Relationships and singledom are a part of that, but dependence on another individual shouldn't be at the crux of our wellbeing.

Thanks for the advice, but I'm only interested if the man likes me.

That doesn't change the fact that it is 2020 and you don't have to be passive. Even if you do want to wait for someone to ask you, they're not going to do that unless they think they have a fair chance of success. I didn't wait for my DP to ask me out - I made absolutely sure he had as many excuses as possible to hang out with me.

IME there are advantages and disadvantages to both relationships and being single. I spent decades being single and grew very accustomed to it. It is easier if you have family nearby who can help out with some situations. But I found relationships were best if you enjoyed most of the aspects of being single - because it meant I could picky about who I might go out with. I wasn't going to settle, as I'd seen many of my friends do.

I also think it can be unfair to expect a partner to provide for all your emotional needs. It is better to have good, close friends around as well. And when I was single, I was very wary of men who had moved straight from one relationship to another - it felt like I would be a link in a chain. I much preferred men who had spent some time alone.

I've never been in what I would class as a good relationship for any significant period of time. Both my marriage and my subsequent serious relationship failed primarily because I picked the wrong person. Barriers much too low.
so now I'm 55, i live with two of my three kids and I'm happy. I'm busy and fulfilled and content. Don't really ever want another partner as I don't trust my gut instinct for choosing a good man ...
Id love to be in a happy mutually supportive relationship but otherwise I am quite happy on myown...there are many upsides

This isn’t intended rudely, lily, but you’re living with two members of your family, that isn’t ‘on (your) own’.

Being single and childless (but wanting children) is different and I do think it’s worth making that point.

Being single and childless (but wanting children) is different and I do think it’s worth making that point.

Very much so, I think. The loneliest I've ever been in my life was whilst I was in a bad relationship. Next to that was during my late 30s/ early 40s when I was single, had no children, but wanted them. Now I'm late 40s and still have no children, but am more reconciled to it. I do think it is different being single when you have a family of your own, to when you want one.

Surely being single has both good and bad points as does being in a relationship, as does a FWB, just to be sure we cover all bases!

Nothing is always great , some of my friends husbands are awful, truly yuk, waste of air types. The thought of being in my 70s babysitting one of them sends a shiver down my spine, and given I think women age better thats what you'd likely be doing :) Be careful what you wish for I say!

I do get the bit about friends with families becoming a little blinkered shall we say, but there are independent women out there, keep reaching out, doing things you enjoy, you will find them

Lots of my close friends have intimate, special, fulfilling relationships with men and I do envy them that.

I also think it can be unfair to expect a partner to provide for all your emotional needs

I found this very interesting as I sometimes find the opposite can be the case. A person’s partner needs to carry some of the emotional load. I have a few friends (3 off the top of my head) who treat their friendships as emotional dumping grounds of sorts and very much put their best face forward for their husbands. I think that can be quite common.

And yes, being single & childless but wanting children is a peculiar type of loneliness that only those in the situation can really understand. I don’t wallow in it but it hits me hard when I see a pregnant woman or families together.

@Eckhart and anyone else, this is really interesting:

We are all responsible for our individual wellbeing, and making sure our needs are met.

I'm in a great relationship, and also had great times on my own (I'm an introvert and an only child, so regard any presence in my home over 2 hours, including my partner, with mild panic)
I've also been very sad on my own, and very sad in previous shitstorm relationships.
I'm fortunate that I have some lovely friends, some partnered up, some not, and they are vital to me.
However, my interpretation of your interpretation of relationships (of any kind) is that they are like a bank account. You put money (goodwill and kindness) in, you can draw it out later. The relationship is hence a reliable indication of your worth as a person and the amount of work you have invested.
This is absolutely-tippity-top-1000% not my experience.
Just because you invested time and love in someone, doesn't mean it will be returned when you need it. Not because people are mean or selfish. But life is complicated. They might not have the energy/time when you need it given back to you
Moreover - and this is scary but also fascinating - everyone sees the world differently. You can't guarantee that your meaning behind an act of kindness, a visit, a hanging-out, time spent with them, is the same as their interpretation. I'm really happy with my friends. But I'm aware that some people, whom I think I am very close to, might not see it that way. Conversely, I am aware that, in the past, some people thought I thought I was close to them, and I'm not.
Not because they aren't good enough, or I'm some dreadful manipulative menace. Just because the chemistry isn't there.
I haven't conveyed this very well so I hope this makes sense. But I'm passionately in disagreement that kindness to X and Y means that X and Y will be there for you when you need them.
Because, however fantastic and decent X and Y are, life is complicated.
And @Separatedandabitsad, my situation is different, as I have a partner, but there are strong commonalities in my experience, and I hear you.

As much as I love my DP of 2.5 years, our relationship is still new enough that I can remember how it felt to be single and I really miss it sometimes. To come home and there was absolutely no one in my house, the house was spotless, nothing out of place, I could eat what I wanted and didn’t have to make full blown dinners or be concerned what someone else wanted to eat, could sleep in my king size bed by myself with no one snoring like a demon (sigh), could even go to bed straight after uni/work if I felt like it. Now I feel like I’m being antisocial if I do that. My telly has been taken over and he watches the same stuff over and over again on terrestrial tv even though I’ve got Netflix and Prime with lots of different things on them 🤷🏽‍♀️

I did get lonely sometimes and he definitely fills that part of my life but I do miss the complete silence sometimes.

@stillcountingmyvotes

I'm not quite sure how you're interpreting 'If you love x and y, x and y will love you back', out of We are all responsible for our individual wellbeing, and making sure our needs are met

and

my interpretation of your interpretation of relationships (of any kind) is that they are like a bank account. You put money (goodwill and kindness) in, you can draw it out later. The relationship is hence a reliable indication of your worth as a person and the amount of work you have invested

is so far off the mark that I barely know where to start.
I'll try to reiterate what I was actually trying to say. Humans need love, to trust, and to be trusted, so we all have a responsibility to find these things for ourselves. Anybody might let you down at any time, so it's important (and this is the only bit I can relate to a bank account) to make sure you have sufficient reserves within yourself to be able to a) bear any emotional letdowns and b) cope with any practical crises.

Love and trust, for me, are conditional. If people do the right things to earn my love and trust, they will. That doesn't mean that a) they owe me anything or b) that they are lovable or trustworthy. Your worth as a person is more represented by how you cope when you are let down, than by how much your 'emotional investments pay off'. ie, your worth is based on your own behaviour, not someone elses.