What’s it like being single ? Serious question )

[Emmie12345]

Stupid question really but I never have been !

I am starting to feel current relationship isn’t right for a number of reasons - I met my partner very soon after my marriage ended so never really had time on my own .

I’m scared that being single is stopping me ending things thoiugh - we don’t live together , which I suppose means i am used to time alone

Has anyone got any Advice ?

"Hospitals don't just drop people on the pavement outside the hospital if they need ongoing care. They are duty bound to make sure something is in place."

In my case, they just would have refused to do the op (just a simple tooth thing) unless I had someone with me.

"They won't let you go but they won't keep you in?"

Read my post above. I had to be accompanied from the beginning and they would have refused to do the op if I was on my own and just told them I was taking a taxi home.
I was supposed to have someone with me for 24 hours! There is nobody I can be with in a small flat for 24 hours so I had to lie about that, by my friend had to be there with me the whole time.

FWB, keeping pets, friends, hobbies, enjoying your kids, not listening to snoring, no ILs, no social media paranoia: why the hell would anyone bother with a 121 relationship.

I spent decades being single. My mother couldn't understand since, as far as she was concerned, there were so many men out there. Well, there might have been, but no-one I wanted to be with. I think the trick to being single is to be incredibly picky about who you might date. Do not settle with someone because you're scared of being on your own.

Now I am with someone and it's great. I can still have pets, friends, hobbies etc. more so now in fact because we share those things. I have no SM paranoia about him.

Yes, the being single was great but having a 121 relationship, provided it's the right one, is also good.

"I think the trick to being single is to be incredibly picky about who you might date"

Ha ha. You're very lucky to be in this situation.
The easiest way to be single is to be like me and not have been asked out by anyone since 2014. No need to be fussy then!

[quote Eckhart]@Ultimatecougar

would you still love it when you have to have a medical procedure and there is noone to bring you home afterwards and the hospital won't let you go alone

I'd get a taxi

When you have 2 children who need to be in different places at the same time and you have to tell one of them they can't do their activity because you can't take them

This is life. I would count this as me needing to be in 2 different places at the same time, and as such, accept responsibility for it.

When your father dies and you have to go through it alone without so much as a hug

Emotionally independent people can do this and/or have managed their life well enough that they already have a support network.

When you have an accident at work and they ask who to call for you and you have to say there is noone

There is no specification that this has to be someone you have a sexual relationship with.

All of your points are about people who have nobody. That's not what single people are, and if you're single and you are in that position, take responsibility, and go find your people. You don't have to sleep with them or marry them or move in with them.[/quote]
Absolutely agree with all these points.

LaVita - the taxi thing is just wrong. You won't be allowed to take a taxi and I answered Ekhart when she asked if they'd stop you leaving - no, they wouldn't give you the operation in the first place.

I've never lost a parent so I don't know yet, whether I'm "emotionally independent". I suspect it may not be as simple as LaVita makes out.

I means as Ekhart makes out, obviously.

When your father dies and you have to go through it alone without so much as a hug

I'm single and got absolutely loads of hugs from all kinds of people when my father died. Lots of people stepped up to help. I live in another country and I had people in both countries who were there for me. People I would never have expected to offer help were suddenly there for me.
I got more help from people when Dad died than when my mother died and I was in a relationship at the time. I presume people thought my partner would help - he was next to useless, just went out drinking and did nothing.

@Gwenhwyfar

"I think the trick to being single is to be incredibly picky about who you might date"

Ha ha. You're very lucky to be in this situation.
The easiest way to be single is to be like me and not have been asked out by anyone since 2014. No need to be fussy then!

Erm, this is 2020, not a Jane Austen novel. You can ask a man out, you know. You sound very passive.

no, they wouldn't give you the operation in the first place

So, what happens if you are single and have absolutely no one who can take responsibility for you? Are you refused treatment? Are you supposed to just suffer and possibly end up dying because you can't have life saving treatment?
If this is true it is a scandal and there should be something put in place to ensure that people can receive treatment even if they are single. It's outrageous to refuse treatment on those grounds.

Comments like that from NeedHelp really show how some really don’t and never will understand.

I have always been friendly and gregarious. Had plenty of friends, never had any problems making or keeping them. I was nice - the sort of friend who would hug another friend after an argument with her boyfriend and buy chocolate. My big problem was I over invested in my friends at the expense of my own relationships but that’s a story for another day.

During my twenties I never had to worry about company. OK, at times on a rainy Sunday in winter but I had dvds and books and the gym. After about 25 things started to shift slightly. People were pairing up and settling down. 28/29 was the summer of weddings, and then came the babies.

You can’t expect, and I’m saying this as someone who is now a parent herself, someone with a three year old and a one year old to take the day off work to take you to hospital. You can’t expect a friend with a young baby to drop shopping round. In any event, they naturally meet new people through maternity and baby groups and you get sidelined a bit. I follow Emma’s diary on FB and saw the attached photo the other day and nearly severed my spinal cord rolling my eyes, but this is how many new mums see their single friends - an inconvenience, nuisance, making demands on their time. It’s shit and I hope I never do it.

I got quite embittered at one point then I realised if I was going to live a happy life I had to sort it out. And I did. But that was partly good luck.

You can no more go out there and ‘find some people’ to take you to hospital than you can find a truthful politician. It’s not like you have a blocked toilet or a bad paint shop where you can pop to the shops and find what you need! Building relationships takes a long long time and especially in 30s/40s people don’t tend to have it.

@Gwenhwyfar

LaVita - the taxi thing is just wrong. You won't be allowed to take a taxi and I answered Ekhart when she asked if they'd stop you leaving - no, they wouldn't give you the operation in the first place.

I've never lost a parent so I don't know yet, whether I'm "emotionally independent". I suspect it may not be as simple as LaVita makes out.

I have lost a parent, and I have lost a baby. On both occasions, I was married. My then-husband couldn't deal with my dad's death, and when we lost our baby, he had his own way of grieving - very different from mine, and it definitely contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. My best sources of support during these times were close friends, and skilled counsellors. Having a partner by your side doesn't guarantee you can successfully navigate major losses in life.

I had major losses. You do just have to get on with it tbh.

There are many advantages to being single. The disadvantage is that singles financially subsidize families to a shocking degree.

Council Tax - there might be 4 people living in the house next door using 4 peoples share of resources but you only get a lousy 25% discount. So you are directly subsidizing the couple next door who pay nothing for their kids. If you are working your taxes also go to provide facilities for other peoples kids. And if you work you will often pick up the slack for parents who are off because of a sick kid. Single people spend a higher % of their income on basics like rent, fuel and so on but with only one source of income coming it.

In other words you will be financially raped to pay for families.

Being single is certainly better than being in an unloving relationship.

It is a lot of fun when you are young and have lots of single friends for nights out etc.

But it’s not my preferred way to live. I like sharing my home, sharing a cuppa, sharing a box set.

Being single is tough when all your friends are coupled up. It’s hard financially and there is a lot of stigma sadly. If you are childless you are endlessly reminded of your biological clock.

@sneakysnoopysniper

There are many advantages to being single. The disadvantage is that singles financially subsidize families to a shocking degree.

Council Tax - there might be 4 people living in the house next door using 4 peoples share of resources but you only get a lousy 25% discount. So you are directly subsidizing the couple next door who pay nothing for their kids. If you are working your taxes also go to provide facilities for other peoples kids. And if you work you will often pick up the slack for parents who are off because of a sick kid. Single people spend a higher % of their income on basics like rent, fuel and so on but with only one source of income coming it.

In other words you will be financially raped to pay for families.

Financially "raped"??

Good God.

@stschiap

no, they wouldn't give you the operation in the first place

So, what happens if you are single and have absolutely no one who can take responsibility for you? Are you refused treatment? Are you supposed to just suffer and possibly end up dying because you can't have life saving treatment?
If this is true it is a scandal and there should be something put in place to ensure that people can receive treatment even if they are single. It's outrageous to refuse treatment on those grounds.

It was made clear to me that unless I gave them a name, they wouldn't do it. Mine was not life threatening so I suppose they could justify refusing. I don't know what they'd do if it's something like heart surgery where you'll die without it.

" You can ask a man out, you know."

Thanks for the advice, but I'm only interested if the man likes me.

Building relationships takes a long long time and especially in 30s/40s people don’t tend to have it

You're making my point for me. If your friends had children and decided at that point you were a pain in the arse, you didn't make very good friends in the first place, but you should have. It's very important to have very good friends, and people in couples sometimes forget this.

Everybody should have more than one person in their life that they can rely on to help them out in times of trauma, because, however much you can rely on someone, somebody else might need to be relying on them at the same time. You might need your partner because you've been ambulanced to hospital, and your partner might be away with work, or picking up the kids, or having an affair, or have dropped their phone down a grid. 'Not being single' doesn't mean you have 'a reliable person', and you don't need anyone else.

People in their 30s and 40s do 'have it' if they've had the self respect to look after their life well. They will have someone they can call on in an emergency, even if their partner fails them, even if a friend fails them, because they will have taken the time to nurture close connections. They won't think their single friend is a pain in the arse when they need a lift home from the hospital and that's the only person who's free, will they. So people ought to try not dropping their single friends. My married friends have kept me in their lives, and I've been very undemanding.

People who've had the self respect to look after their life well will also have relatively few emergencies compared to more chaotic types.

I never understand the reluctance of people to ask for help from friends.
I have been single for a long time. When my best friend who was married was going through IVF I supported her, a few years later when she had toddler twins, she supported me through my adoption process.
I'm the only single person amongst my friends, before I adopted my son, I just got stuck in with their kids. I have great relationships with my friends kids now they are young adults - they now reciprocate by giving time and attention to my son who is several years younger
Last year I had an operation my friend who had 6 kids and several grandchildren picked me up from hospital.
I would do anything I could to help my friend and they do the same for me - none of us take advantage, we only ask when we really need to.
Yes lockdown hasn't been great if you are single but there are lots of women with partners for whom it hasn't been a picnic either. I have a friend in an abusive relationship, I'd far rather be on my own than stuck with her husband for the last 8 months.
On the whole I am happy with my life as single person. Sometimes it's tough but so can being married. I"ll stick with what I've got.

So, what happens if you are single and have absolutely no one who can take responsibility for you? Are you refused treatment? Are you supposed to just suffer and possibly end up dying because you can't have life saving treatment
If this is true it is a scandal and there should be something put in place to ensure that people can receive treatment even if they are single. It's outrageous to refuse treatment on those grounds

It's not true. It can't be because it would be discriminatory, and it would cause a lot of issues and get flagged up and reported all the time. They do the medical procedure, and then they keep you in or arrange care for you until you're capable of looking after yourself/arranging your own care again.

"If your friends had children and decided at that point you were a pain in the arse, you didn't make very good friends in the first place, but you should have."

This is unfair. Friendships come and go. You don't necessarily know which friendships will last and which won't.

Yes absolutely Gwen

In any event, children often prompt a lifestyle change. Many of my friends were very good, and still are, but moved away from the immediate area. Two emigrated actually.

"It's not true. It can't be because it would be discriminatory, and it would cause a lot of issues and get flagged up and reported all the time. They do the medical procedure, and then they keep you in or arrange care for you until you're capable of looking after yourself/arranging your own care again."

I don't think you're an expert on this are you Ekhart since you thought you could take a taxi. I'm telling you that in my case, I was told I had to give a name or no opp. Even on the day, they had to see my friend there or they wouldn't have done it. I'm not lying about this!

@Welcometonowhere

Yes absolutely Gwen

In any event, children often prompt a lifestyle change. Many of my friends were very good, and still are, but moved away from the immediate area. Two emigrated actually.

Exactly. Not your fault Welcome. It's not as if you just forgot to make friends or something.