What’s it like being single ? Serious question )

[Emmie12345]

Stupid question really but I never have been !

I am starting to feel current relationship isn’t right for a number of reasons - I met my partner very soon after my marriage ended so never really had time on my own .

I’m scared that being single is stopping me ending things thoiugh - we don’t live together , which I suppose means i am used to time alone

Has anyone got any Advice ?

I absolutely loved being single.

I was single for 3 years and it was incredible, so liberating and empowering. I loved not having to think of another person (other than kids), taking ownership of everything, all my choices, when I want, what I want, no expectations. I learnt alot abotj myself and it gave me time to reflect on previous relationships and how I responded to situations and how I can improve myself.

Getting into a relationship after that time has been difficult due to the fact I'm so use to being so independent, doing everything myself etc

I’m single for 6 months now but I live with other people so I still have to consider other people’s needs in the house, which is good.

My experience has been both positive & negative.

Positives:
•I love sleeping alone & listening to music/radio/podcasts as I drift off.
•Shopping & cooking for one is so much easier & less time-consuming (even though I loved feeding my STBEXH to be honest!).
• Mornings are much easier : getting ready for work as I choose & being able to use the hairdryer or turn the radio on.
• My body is my own! Sex with my ex was not pleasurable or fulfilling. I’m glad I can gold out for sex that is. I’m very emotional so FWB just wouldn’t work for me but I salute those who it does work for!
• I feel a certain freedom in being unconventional. Almost all my friends & colleagues are with longterm partners & have children. I like that my life is a little different.

Negatives
• I love company. I love spending time with people and I miss having someone to talk to about my day.
• I’ve had to mourn the life I most likely won’t have: long term commitment & kids. I love children & I was looking forward to pregnancy so that’s a big downside of single life.
• Knowing someone cares deeply for you. I have friends & family but I will not be any of their priority. They fit me in around their ‘real’ lives & phone calls are often cut short by needy children or commitments.

You mentioned you’re a love addict @Emmie12345. I was too & in some ways still am (I’m constantly checking in on my ex). You could read Women Who Love Too Much and Codependent No More. Those books were Life changing for me.

I've been single-ish for nearly six years and love it.

It felt tough at first - allow yourself time to grieve your relationship if you need it. It took me a year to get over my last serious partner - even though he was controlling and becoming physically abusive, I still felt heartbroken.

I put single -ish as I've had a couple of periods of dating in the last few years, but all those have done is reaffirm how much I prefer being single.

Thanks for the book recommendation @Separatedandabitsad

All these posts are amazing thank you all so much !

Well, it’s not really all that different to a sort of ‘what’s it like being married’ or ‘what’s it like living in the U.K.’ question because the answer is very much ‘it depends.’

Someone well paid with a high disposable income, lots of single friends, a supportive family and a hobby or hobbies will find it enjoyable: in fact they genuinely may not miss a relationship. However, that’s the holy grail of singlehood, in many ways. Most people won’t find that.

It is better than a bad relationship, that’s not to be disputed, but it can also be lonely, unfulfilling, expensive and isolating - you can feel cut off from normal adult experiences in a way that’s wrong and shouldn’t happen but does, in the RW. Often on here you can be happily married, happily single, or unhappily married but being unhappy single is frowned upon.

I think if I were you I would focus on your children, OP, but don’t feel bad for feeling lonely sometimes.

I would much rather be single than in a relationship that isn’t right for me.

It can get a little lonely at times especially when all you know is being with someone else but I promise that part disappears once you’ve have adjusted to being alone.

I’m in no rush to meet someone else. It’s nice to do what I want and only please myself. It’s nice to not have to bolt in the kitchen and do the washing up as soon as SO has finished eating. All I know is abusice and controlling relationships so I like the peace.

I mean I am kind of practically single in that we live apart and I run my own house / finances - we aren’t blended in those terms

I just feel that the stress I feel with the constant separating ( we kind of spend about a third of the month together ) isn’t worth the happy times we have

I just feel I would rather be single than in an unsatisfactory relationship and have the expectation of more - it’s sort of a noman’s land

but being unhappy single is frowned upon
Very interesting perspective . It’s not so easy to give about the absence of something good than the presence of something bad.

I really really really like being single. But I miss having sex. And having someone who asks how my day was, and who I can tell about small amusing stuff that happens. I do miss those things but by and large it is glorious.

After 4 and a bit years of being single and celibate I am starting to want a relationship in some ways, but the person would have to be fucking marvellous for me to give up all the nice things about being single. So, we shall see...

I have been single for 7 years after a 17 year relationship. After picking up the pieces of my broken self I have built a life where I am content with who I am and what I have. When I feel lonely I think back to when ex was still here and how lonely I felt when he spent all night on his computer or out with his mates coming back drunk. I realised that one is more painful than the other.
I am lucky as I have a few single friends amd life is good. If I were to meet someone now it would be someone who could add something to my life, not just be there because I want a partner. It will take someone very special.

@RhubarbTea I think yes that really resonates - I feel like my partner doesn’t reAlly care how my day was and def the passion is fading on his side so I do wonder what the point is

Sometimes it's great, being in charge of all parts of my life, sometimes it's lonely, not being able to have any adult interaction on a deeply intimate level. But for sure it is always better than having to share my decisions, time and (shudder) house with someone who has completely different priorities from me.

I love being single and living alone for many of the reasons mentioned. I find the idea of a relationship stifling now as I've been single quite a while. Like others have said, he'd have to be marvellous. Downsides - comments and thoughts you know others have about you. Sometimes I think I detect jealousy that you've gone down the non conventional path unlike them. Sometimes it's like they're trying to figure out in what way you're 'broken'. As much as I have a thick skin, and I recognise societal pressure, that can be hard. I don't generally get lonely as I'm a massive introvert. I don't have children either but I'm not sad about that.

Think back to when you were a child and you thought growing up and being an adult meant you could do whatever you want when you wanted, you didn't have to answer to anyone, nobody could tell you off if you left chores not done or clothes out etc, you could watch what you wanted on TV...

It's that. Obviously within reasonable boundaries of safety/money/laws, but it's total freedom. It can be lonely of course, particularly this year, and I'm sure financially it's easier to be in a relationship, but right now the freedom of living my life without having to work around someone else or not make my favourite food much because they hate it is fantastic.

People tell me most of this should be possible in a good relationship too (I suppose until you have kids, impulsive freedom is curbed then I'm sure!) so I remain open to the possibility but I don't feel like I'm missing out by being single.

I'm sure financially it's easier to be in a relationship

This is so true! I still don’t own my own home & when I do, I’ll most likely need a tenant to help with the mortgage.

I love the positivity about the single life on here& I love how some people are fine with not having children. It’s so refreshing.

It's great. I don't think you can truly have a happy relationship if any part of your attachment to that relationship is due to the fact that you are scared of being on your own. How can you make an informed decision about what you prefer if you haven't tried all the options? When in life would you ever do that about anything else other than being in a relationship?

It's peculiar how doing precisely the same activity can be viewed in opposite ways depending on whether you do it with a partner.
-What did you do Saturday night?

• We snuggled up together with a bottle of wine (or two!) and watched a romantic film by candlelight

or

• I stayed in and got pissed in front of Netflix

What's the difference?! It's that 'couple' = 'happy' and 'single' = 'miserable'. Except it doesn't.

Single means emotionally independent. Lacking in neediness. Fulfilled, without needing anybody's help.

Dump him, OP. Why is it you want to be in a relationship anyway?

Single means emotionally independent. Lacking in neediness. Fulfilled, without needing anybody's help

Hurrah to that! I’m slowly moving toward the ‘emotionally independent’ part which I find tricky!

@Separatedandabitsad

Don't give up until you get there. The journey, and reaching that destination, has more personal value than anything else you will ever do, and will give more personal value to everything that you do.

I love being single
No drama

A lot less compromise I.e. you get what you want most of the time

I enjoyed being single when I also had single friends. I found being the only single person when all my friends were in couples to be very lonely.

@Mermaidwaves

Can I ask a couple of questions about being happy single? I've been single for a year now but have been chasing men online. I now want to accept singledom and try and be happy.

Do you think its easier to be happy if you have children? I do and sometimes feel guilty they're 'not enough' if that makes sense? I still feel something is missing.

How do those with FWB manage it? I tried it and got badly hurt. It sounds great in theory but how do you keep the boundaries and not get attached?

I don't think some people can. Oxytocin is realised during sex and orgasm, or close intimate time with another person, and that bonds you with them.

@Eckhart

It's great. I don't think you can truly have a happy relationship if any part of your attachment to that relationship is due to the fact that you are scared of being on your own. How can you make an informed decision about what you prefer if you haven't tried all the options? When in life would you ever do that about anything else other than being in a relationship?

It's peculiar how doing precisely the same activity can be viewed in opposite ways depending on whether you do it with a partner.
-What did you do Saturday night?

• We snuggled up together with a bottle of wine (or two!) and watched a romantic film by candlelight

or

• I stayed in and got pissed in front of Netflix

What's the difference?! It's that 'couple' = 'happy' and 'single' = 'miserable'. Except it doesn't.

Single means emotionally independent. Lacking in neediness. Fulfilled, without needing anybody's help.

Dump him, OP. Why is it you want to be in a relationship anyway?

Because pair bonding is what human beings do?? Because life is often easier with a partner? Because intimacy's nice?

I've never understood FWB. For me, there's no 'B' because I wouldn't want to have sex with someone I wasn't romantically committed to anyway. It would be 'FWAC' for me (Friend with Additional Complications)

Can people not have... fun... on their own? Especially to avoid risking friendships?

Single life depends on your income and aspirations, and tolerance levels/ personality disposition. I know people who are putting up with difficult marriages or partnerships as they don't see a way out to financial independence. If you have your finances sorted, it helps to decide if being single is a lifestyle choice for you or just because you haven't met the right person. Personally I hover between both of those categories. I am single, but I have ditched every ex-partner and my ex-husband. The reason was the same in each case, and it was that I valued my independence and wouldn't put up with abuse/ overstepping boundaries. I couldn't tolerate being co-dependent, and hated being accountable to another adult. I like my space, my hobbies, my financial security...I don't want anyone encroaching on that. I have met someone professionally who is making all those smoke signals suggesting he hopes we get into a relationship. During the body clock ticking days of my youth, I may have agreed as hormones would have been making decisions. Now at mid-life with my children growing up too fast, I would be reluctant to date anyone. Past experience tells me I put in too much effort, and get too few returns. I see colleagues and friends stuck in difficult relationships that don't make them happy, and feel thankful for having my freedom.

That pesky oxytoxin! I think that's my ruin, if I sleep with someone I get bonded which is most frustrating!

This thread is really inspiring me. I'm 39 and I have not been single since I was 15. Its scary and in the evenings I get really bad anxiety and panic when I realise I'm alone. I'm really hoping that I can develop this self fulfillment that a lot of you have where I don't feel I need a man. I think this is why I've been dating so many unsuitable men, its trying to find anyone who will fill that gap.