What’s it like being single ? Serious question )

[Emmie12345]

Stupid question really but I never have been !

I am starting to feel current relationship isn’t right for a number of reasons - I met my partner very soon after my marriage ended so never really had time on my own .

I’m scared that being single is stopping me ending things thoiugh - we don’t live together , which I suppose means i am used to time alone

Has anyone got any Advice ?

To add I've been single 7 years mow

I have been single for 7 years, and in the main I love it. The only thing I do find difficult is making new friends. I have moved around a lot in my life and the marriage and family were the centre of my world during that time. I do have one fantastic friend, but they live the other side of the country so don't get to see them as often as I would like. So I do miss be able to socialise as everyone else seems to have their friends lists full and are not open to new people.

I agree that the only place you seem to find happy single people is on the internet. Never in real life.

What are you implying here? Why do you think you never meet happy single people IRL? Could it be your limited experience? Or could it be that the internet is awash with trolls pretending to be happy and single? I was happy when I was single. I am happier now I'm in a relationship. I was my most miserable when I was in a bad relationship.

I was single all my adult life until I was 24. I was very busy and didn’t have time to feel lonely as I lived with others anyway. I didn’t crave a man. I did know I wanted to be in a relationship though. It’s human nature to want to pair up.

Twenty-four is still very, very young. And whilst it is probably in the nature of many animals to want to pair off, there are billions of humans on the planet and I don't think of all of them want this and not all of the time. I do think there is a great deal of societal pressure to pair up and I think that's often why people make do in bad relationships. I wish it were more acceptable to say 'it's fine to be single'. As it was, I found that there seemed to be an assumption that there was a failing on my part. It wasn't what was directly said to me, more the catalogue of 'no wonder they're single, who would want them'. This was in the teeth of the evidence that many lovely people are single, whilst some utter wankers are in relationships.

I am sure plenty of people are happy single & just as many are making do with being single. For me personally this time of year is difficult. I don’t know how I’ll fill those days but I suppose it’s good to plan ahead & think ahead about what to do!

@Separatedandabitsad

how much time have you actually got off, is it just the bank holidays or more?
I always have two weeks off so I pre child I did try and have a project or particular task I wanted to complete. Some years its been to redecorate a room, another year it was to learn how to make different types of soup, one year I started C25k, another year I started to learn Greek

@Ted27

It’ll be 10 days. Yeah a project is a good idea. I’ll out my thinking cap on. I don’t have my own home but I am trying to learn a language - maybe I could step it up! I know I need to ride it out but it feels pretty lonely tbh.

I have good days and bad days being single. This time of year is crap for me.
The time seems to go so slowly these days. I look at the clock and think is that all the time is...find myself going to bed earlier too.

Rather be single than with an unsuitable partner though.

I think many people are happy single, I just don't feel happy these days.

Rather be single than with an unsuitable partner though

I ageee with this& I agree that this time of year is hard (especially this year with lockdowns & restrictions).

I think this is one of those threads where the OP has long since gone & we’re all keeping it going

Hi
Can I ask your advise please...

I’ve been with my parent for 7 years, we have children but not together.

About 6 months ago I found out that he was taking coke, we split up and he promised he wouldn’t change.

I have recently found out that he has been taking it again and came downstairs to it sat on the sofa with him asleep next to it!

He lied to me and said he was going to the shop to buy some beer and he got his friend to pick him up to score Some coke.

I keep checking his phone, pockets and even brought somebody coke detector wipes which were positive.

He turned it around on me saying I’m controlling and that he only takes it when the kids are asleep and I am and he’s not hurting anyone....

I can’t deal with the lies...what else could he be lying about!!!

Am I being controlling and paranoid

Should I get rid and live a new life with my daughter

Help

Sorry I meant to say I also pay for everything, the house belongs to me and he hasn’t paid anything. (Apart from the food shopping now and then)

But he can spend his money on coke...

@Separatedandabitsad - so sorry to hear that time hangs heavy. When I am home alone I read, practise a musical instrument, garden (currently shifting some shrubs prior to seeding new grass), watch programmes on catch-up, study a second language, talk to the cat. I also walk a lot (am usually a hillwalker and that's in abeyance) near the place where I live.

Today, for e.g., I have put up some Christmas decorations and made some more (salt dough and dried fruit slices) to decorate the tree at the project where I volunteer, practised said instrument (carols and a tricky longer piece), read a few chapters, done a little Christmas shopping and watched a couple of episodes of Spiral (BBC 4, beware, gory) which helps with my French. Have also talked to the cat (who just purrs and never answers back).

The trick for me is to have several things on the go and, if possible, not face doing any single activity for hours in one go. Starting Christmas cards tomorrow (the plan is 10 per day, but some days I will do more).

Boring things like housework get done in 30 minute bursts (I set an alarm on my phone). Sometimes I cook complicated meals, sometimes I eat cheese on toast. The beauty of singledom is that I can choose.

NB I may do many activities but am not proficient in any of them. It's the doing that matters, not the end product.

Best wishes, hope you get through the next few weeks OK

In so many ways the above post encapsulates my struggles when I was single.

If I ever struggled to cope and reached out I’d be inundated with suggestions of things to do, when that wasn’t really the source of the problem.

@Emma198011 you could start a new thread in Relationships. This thread is about being single. Although tbh if your partner is using coke and lying about it, being single would seem to be a very good option.

@Welcometonowhere

to be fair separatedandabitsad did ask for ideas. I think some people do struggle because they can’t get their heads around doing things on their own. You see so many threads here asking if its ok to go to the cinema or theatre etc etc on their own because the nice happy couples will look at you and think you are a loser.

But I know what you are getting at. I think whether we are single or with a partner, sometimes its just hard. I didnt wake up happy and single, I was miserable for a long time, sometimes its still a slog, but so can being in a relationship.
Being happy as a single person was a process for me, there were ups and downs, now its just what I am.

Yes, you’re absolutely right ted. I suppose I’m thinking in terms of those well meaning suggestions we probably all know and love about joining ‘clubs’

@Welcometonowhere

yes, along with get a dog, cat, adopt a child

Although I do have a cat and did adopt a child !

Yeah. Some of us aren't keen on dogs, or are allergic, or simply are responsible enough to acknowledge we couldn't give an animal suitable care.
And joining clubs and doing activities is very difficult during a pandemic.

"Why do you think you never meet happy single people IRL? Could it be your limited experience? "

I meet plenty of 'happy single people', but never people who prefer being single to being in a happy relationship. I don't think my experience is limited. Being long-term single myself I have more single friends than most coupled-up people or people who go between both statuses. I 've also been a member of various social groups that were mainly used by singles and have had a social life based mainly around other single people. So I've met a lot of single people and all of them would say they'd like to meet someone special, even if they're not going out actively looking for it.

"And joining clubs and doing activities is very difficult during a pandemic."

Impossible, I'd say unless it's virtual, but I'm on lockdown. Pretty miserable for singles.

@sneakysnoopysniper

There are many advantages to being single. The disadvantage is that singles financially subsidize families to a shocking degree.

Council Tax - there might be 4 people living in the house next door using 4 peoples share of resources but you only get a lousy 25% discount. So you are directly subsidizing the couple next door who pay nothing for their kids. If you are working your taxes also go to provide facilities for other peoples kids. And if you work you will often pick up the slack for parents who are off because of a sick kid. Single people spend a higher % of their income on basics like rent, fuel and so on but with only one source of income coming it.

In other words you will be financially raped to pay for families.

@sneakysnoopysniper

Quite a vitriolic response here, but raped? Vitriolic and offensive. Being raped is nothing like having only a 25% council tax deduction (in bold in the hope you see it, then question you bloody ridiculous statement).

I guess one reason many libraries started employing people with degrees is because they have to financially rape fewer single people to pay their slightly lower starting salaries than salaries of long-standing overpaid librarians with no qualifications. Or maybe I remembered the wrong poster, apologies if you weren't that librarian.

You do know that single people can get pregnant and have kids right? So they are financially raped to pay to educate their own kids!! Potential solution there eh? And that married parents are an split up leaving both partners single?

Is it just kids you don't like? Or people in happy relationships?

Anyway, generally speaking, I'd rather pay more taxes than be a cunt.

4ensic I am glad that my command of English is such that I dont have to use lower class expressions like "cunt" in order to get my point across.

Wow...@sneakysnoopysniper you really are a piece of work.

@sneakysnoopysniper

4ensic I am glad that my command of English is such that I dont have to use lower class expressions like "cunt" in order to get my point across.

lower class

You are the gift which keeps giving @sneakysnoopysniper

@4ensic a fellow person, happy to pay my taxes to support others, rather than be an insufferable c*nt.

I say that as someone who is a single parent*

*disclaimer: I am in a LDR and like it that way.