What’s it like being single ? Serious question )

[Emmie12345]

Stupid question really but I never have been !

I am starting to feel current relationship isn’t right for a number of reasons - I met my partner very soon after my marriage ended so never really had time on my own .

I’m scared that being single is stopping me ending things thoiugh - we don’t live together , which I suppose means i am used to time alone

Has anyone got any Advice ?

If you just want the occasional shag, go on FabSwingers. There's probably 100 guys for each woman on there!

I was single for over 5 years before I met DP, and I can honestly say it was the best time of my life. I bought a flat, I found my career path, I made new friends, and amazing holidays, nights out, jobs. It was a good time. It made me independent and finally be the person I wanted to be. Don't get me wrong, I love my DP, and DD, and I love my life now too, but, if I were to ever find myself single, then I know I would be absolutely fine.

Lavita. My username refers to some ONS I have had 😂. Nothing has progressed to FWB status either with younger or older men.

No, I don't have any family other than my children who are under 16. I have friends, but they work long hours and are supporting elderly family members, or have other difficult circumstances and I don't feel I can ask too much of them practically.

@Ultimatecougar

would you still love it when you have to have a medical procedure and there is noone to bring you home afterwards and the hospital won't let you go alone

I'd get a taxi

When you have 2 children who need to be in different places at the same time and you have to tell one of them they can't do their activity because you can't take them

This is life. I would count this as me needing to be in 2 different places at the same time, and as such, accept responsibility for it.

When your father dies and you have to go through it alone without so much as a hug

Emotionally independent people can do this and/or have managed their life well enough that they already have a support network.

When you have an accident at work and they ask who to call for you and you have to say there is noone

There is no specification that this has to be someone you have a sexual relationship with.

All of your points are about people who have nobody. That's not what single people are, and if you're single and you are in that position, take responsibility, and go find your people. You don't have to sleep with them or marry them or move in with them.

Eckhart I do get taxi's etc in a lot of medical situations, but in some cases you can't leave without someone to be there for you.

It possibly is different if you have family, but I don't. I know your go-to person doesn't have to be a partner, but as you get older your friends get bogged down in family situations of their own and you feel bad asking them for help.

It's an awful lot different from being single in your 20s and 30s that's for sure

surely you have good friends and family members

I have no family of my own.

I do have good friends but even a very good friend will not be assumed to take time off work or away from their own children to pick you up after hospital.

And taxi drivers don’t help you in and out of the bath, make you drinks, go to the pharmacy for you and so on.

Yes, you cope, of course you do. But there is nothing wrong with pointing out the single life can have its flip side.

Yes, you cope, of course you do. But there is nothing wrong with pointing out the single life can have its flip side

It is worth pointing the flip side out accurately, though. I don't have much family either, and certainly nobody who could support me. Other than intimate care, for which you can employ someone (not ideal, but I doubt that a partner would class providing intimate care as ideal either), there's nothing friends can't/won't do for you. If they weren't available because they were 'too busy' I'd question the quality of the friendship, really.

Also, is 'I might need someone to help me home from hospital', or any of the other reasons, a good reason to have a relationship with somebody? I've never heard anybody say 'God, it's so rubbish being single. Nobody ever brings me home from hospital...'

Eckhart of course it isn't just bringing you home from the hospital. It's just an example of not having anyone who cares who can help you in any difficult life situation.

With friends, it's not a simple case of 'too busy' it's just they have issues of their own - disability, care for elderly parents, long hours at work, or they don't live particularly locally and/or don't have their own transport. This makes asking for help a big ask, that I'm hesitant to make.

Employ someone - seriously?! I was on a pretty good salary (just over 55k before going part time) but I wouldn’t have been able to pay for a carer!

Although technically you are single if you have FWB as its not a full time relationship, for me it created just as much angst and emotional energy as a boyfriend would. I appreciate thats not the point of a FWB though!

I mean embracing singledom fully, with no man at all. Learning to be happy with no sexual or emotional energy relating to men in my life and just being happy by myself.

Employ someone - seriously?! I was on a pretty good salary (just over 55k before going part time) but I wouldn’t have been able to pay for a carer

So the welfare system would just let you lie there and die then? Hospitals don't just drop people on the pavement outside the hospital if they need ongoing care. They are duty bound to make sure something is in place.

But even if they did, and your friends wouldn't help you, I'd be thinking you ought to have maintained better friendships.

Are you trying to prove that single people need a partner, via the 'what if you needed a live in carer' route? If not, what's your point?

Single people are responsible for making and maintaining connections in their life, so that, if the shit hits the fan, they don't have to feel alone. And it's perfectly viable and doable, without a partner.

Eckhart God love you but yes, I think you are a bit naive. There is a huge grey space between being dropped on the pavement and managing but struggling hugely.

I don’t think people need a partner but I also dislike the tendency to dismiss single peoples problems on MN.

God love you, that was patronising, my little sweetie pie.

I suspect there's a huge grey space between what you count as struggling and and what I count as struggling, and you think I'm naive because you'd be flagging when I'd be getting on with it.

Nobody is dismissing single people's needs. Strong connections are important for everybody. One of the needs of single people is to ensure they have them.

It actually wasn’t intended to be patronising - I laughed. Everyone’s circumstances are different but seriously, thinking the nhs won’t let you struggle on in pain is a bit daft, tbh.

People have their own lives, believe me there is no faster way to lose friendships than by insisting they drop everything to come and sort you out.

I enjoy being single to the point that I would never want to live with someone or get married. I would like to meet a great guy but it would always be a relationship where we live separately.

I have quite a few friends and a lot of interests/passion so I never rely on a partner to make my life interesting.

Also, I have met so many 'low quality' men when I was dating in the past 5 years or so that it would really take a good man to make me want to change my single status. I am older now and I accept that I am unlikely to meet someone special and I have no interest in compromising and dating men who frankly have very little to offer.

People have their own lives, believe me there is no faster way to lose friendships than by insisting they drop everything to come and sort you out

Much better to rely on a partner, who would relish the regular opportunity to 'sort out' the troubles and woes of their beloved?

Seriously. How often in life are we genuinely not able to sort our own shit out? It's very very rare, unless we manage our lives poorly, and expect not to be independent.

I understand it's difficult when you've just come out of a relationship and you're not used to it, but ultimately, if your closest friend won't help you when you're in dire need, then it's just as possible that your partner might fail you too. Independence is something that we should have regardless of our relationship status, for our own peace of mind, and in order that we don't unnecessarily burden our friends or our partners.

eckhart no one is saying someone should stay with a partner they are unhappy with because of convenience.

However amongst the ‘being single is AMAZING, the best thing ever’ narrative spun on here, there is a flip side.

I was alone (and bar friendships I do mean alone) for over twenty years and there were times I really did suffer, tbh. I don’t think it’s indicative of a weakness in my character to admit that.

I'm sorry that happened to you, but it's not a representative view of single life. Things can be shit and lonely in a relationship too, and if you put all your eggs in one basket (ie a partner) and that one person lets you down, that's worse than if you've made sure you have a circle of close and reliable friends instead.

For those who make a good fist of it, being single is AMAZING, the best thing ever.

For those who make a good fist of it, being in a relationship is AMAZING, the best thing ever.

Suffering isn't about whether you have a partner or not. It's about whether you've made strong, loving connections with people, whether you sleep with them or live with them or marry them or not.

I don’t think it’s indicative of a weakness in my character to admit that

I think it was a display of strength to admit that!

2Being real proper single means no sex, no companionship with the opposite sex, no touch from a man of any kind. It's not the same thing at all as having a boyfriend you don't live with or share finances with.

And it can be bone crushingly lonely."

Exactly. And with a boyfriend you don't get some of the negatives people describe for cohabiting - you can have your home as you want it and do what you want most of the time.

Nothing is representative of single life, any more than married life.

I do miss having my own decor though gwen

" Surely you have good friends and family members?"

Not everyone lives near family or even has good friends, or those friends are not available at certain times. I had to ask a male friend to accompany me for an op. It was embarrassing and quite a hassle.

"would you still love it when you have to have a medical procedure and there is noone to bring you home afterwards and the hospital won't let you go alone

I'd get a taxi"

Not allowed! They won't let you go! I think it's wrong and they should just keep you in until you're OK if you don't have anyone, but I suppose the NHS doesn't allow that.

Interesting thread.

Personally, I love being single, for all the reasons outlined by previous posters.

The hospital thing... Seriously, if you have no one in your life who would pick you up from hospital, then make damn sure you get some. If I said to my ex husband, could you pick me up, he'd do it and I'd do the same for him.

"That's not what single people are, and if you're single and you are in that position, take responsibility, and go find your people. You don't have to sleep with them or marry them or move in with them."

A person to contact in an emergency should be a very close person though. At one point I had a best friend for this. Now, I have good friends, but nobody I would expect to drop their work to come and see me in hospital.
I insist on not filling in this box at work. It created an argument in one workplace, but I got my way in the end. My parents live far away and I dont want them bothered because I've collapsed or something.

Not allowed! They won't let you go! I think it's wrong and they should just keep you in until you're OK if you don't have anyone, but I suppose the NHS doesn't allow that

They won't let you go but they won't keep you in? What does happen if you have nobody to provide adequate care for you? People get released from hospital all the time when they still have care needs. The independent ones can't all just be expected to fend for themselves, or failures in the system would lead to reports of deaths and malnutrition and accidents all the time.