What’s it like being single ? Serious question )

[Emmie12345]

Stupid question really but I never have been !

I am starting to feel current relationship isn’t right for a number of reasons - I met my partner very soon after my marriage ended so never really had time on my own .

I’m scared that being single is stopping me ending things thoiugh - we don’t live together , which I suppose means i am used to time alone

Has anyone got any Advice ?

I’m the opposite never really had a relationship. I’ve been single basically my whole life (of course I’ve dated but they weren’t actually relationship) more just casual (not through choice) I’m 32 and never lived with a man, I feel pretty sad about it actually , I’m sure there are some perks to being single though .

I’ve been single since around the start of lockdown. I have a nearly 3 year old and I’m expecting my 2nd child early next year. I’ve had to move house to get away from my ex and have lost quite a bit of money. Despite all this I am so much happier. I have nobody to argue with on how I parent, if I want to watch a film/tv show I don’t need to ask anyone, I cook want I want for tea. I feel much stronger, I honestly don’t think I’ll get in a new relationship for a long time now, if ever. I’m perfectly happy on my own, maybe it will change when my DC grow up. But I enjoy my own company and I’ll think it’ll only get better when I’m able to do the things I’m unable to do with DC (holidays etc)

Personally I love it!

But there's many factors to that for me. I have complex PTSD as a result of my childhood, then being trapped in a relationship for 10+ years that I didn't want to be in and then the next guy I met after that was an emotionally abusive asshole where I had to experience something that was pretty similar to the emotional abuse I experienced from my parents and when I ended it he harassed me for a long time trying to get me back so I genuinely feel like men are prison sentences lol I laugh because it was a streak of bad luck but yep after that I have zero interest in a relationship and it would have to take someone VERY special to make me want to consider a relationship.

I've also never been in love so it's not a feeling that I crave and chase because i've never experienced it. I generally just associate men with stress.

I recently had my first FWB and he was lovely in so many ways but he wanted a relationship so I had to end that!

I also am an introvert so I rarely get bored ever. I love my own company so I can't imagine ever having to commit to spending even one evening a week with a man lol

Having ended my last (4 year) relationship, the joys of being single are;

My house is clean,
my bathroom is as I left it.
Nothing gets broken.
No pressure to cook like master chef,
no complaining that my son doesn't go to his dad's enough (err, this is his home),
No-one telling me my car needs replacing (it's fine)
No pressure to keep up with the Jones's
In fact no moaning generally

Now I can sing in my kitchen if I want to. Have jacket potato with cheese & chives for supper. I can watch the news without being told it's boring. Drink instant rather than filter. I can relax. It's great

I wouldn't class someone with a FWB as properly single anyway

I agree with the above.

@Mermaidwaves

So much of what you write applies to me. The evenings are my weak point too & I too have gone on to OLD sites on lonely nights, only to end up feeling worse! I’m not quite happily single yet to be honest - I have no romance or even leads but I’m learning a language & I’m thinking about learning how to draw too. I also watch a lot of Netflix , read & listen to podcasts in the evenings. I’m slowly building up my own routines instead of needing them to be with someone else. I’ll be honest - I’d love to meet someone but I’d like to be in a fairly relaxed, not panicked, state when that (hopefully) happens.

The thing is, if you're not happy single, then the pressure of making and keeping you happy is all on your partner. I wouldn't like to be in a relationship with someone who was unhappy alone, and would only be happy because they were in a relationship with me. Independence, particularly emotional independence, is attractive.

I think the best way to protect yourself with a FWB is try to pick someone you think is okay looking but not someone you really fancy. Less chance of attachment. For the record I'm permanently single now at 36. No more wankers. I wish I had some more single friends though.

My problem with FWB is I need that connection to sleep with him. My last one was not very good looking but the sexual chemistry was insane, he was extremely charismatic and we were politically aligned which sounds silly but thats something that matters to me.

separatedandabitsad
I've taken up yoga and watching lots of films too to try and get off my phone. I feel worse when I go on the apps too as I come off feeling hopeless and dejected and cross with myself. I want to reach that stage where I'm content alone and if someone comes along, great, and if not then so be it.

" I wouldn't like to be in a relationship with someone who was unhappy alone, and would only be happy because they were in a relationship with me. Independence, particularly emotional independence, is attractive."

Yes, but you can be reasonably happy single, but know that you would be happier in a good relationship.

I too absolutely love being single. Have been married before but it would take someone AMAZING - and frankly, I don't think he exists - for me to take that step again.

What do I enjoy? Where to start?!

• Kids see their dad regularly but I bring them up how I see fit - no arguing/negotiating (which I understand is a big issue amongst parents of teens) with another person about best way to do things.
• Regular child-free time to do exactly what I want. Bloody wonderful.
• It's my - and their - house. I have it how I want it. It seems to me that a lot of men of a certain age seem to acquire a lot of "gear" that clutters the place up. No gaming/cycling/tech/fishing/car or whatever stuff lying around...
• I love cooking and eating what we want. I don't need to accommodate another adult's needs. Can't bear fussiness so my kids and I can be really adventurous regarding food.
• Our house is pretty harmonious. Yes, the kids argue and I sometimes lose my rag with them, but overall it's so...calm and peaceful.
• Own finances - I know exactly what's what.
• FWB when I want it - a mature, understanding arrangement that suits both of us. Great sex, but none of the dross/tedium of co-habiting.
• Just hire a handyman/woman to do DIY. No discussions, compromises, arguments - I organise it, pay for it, it gets done.
• DCs have a contented mum who's "bien dans sa peau" - worth its weight in gold, especially as a role model to teen DD.

I listen to friends moan about their husbands and feel very, very lucky.

@Separatedandabitsad

I wouldn't class someone with a FWB as properly single anyway

I disagree. FWB = whatever you want it to be, but nothing "formal" is shared - home/car/finances/kids...you don't even need to "talk" on a particularly meaningful level, although after a while this naturally happens. You don't have to meet their family, either...

But Lavita isn't that just describing a boyfriend rather than a partner or husband? It's not really single.

Being real proper single means no sex, no companionship with the opposite sex, no touch from a man of any kind. It's not the same thing at all as having a boyfriend you don't live with or share finances with.

And it can be bone crushingly lonely.

And all these FWB I see people talk about on mumsnet, I dunno where they find them. If you look online for FWB most men interpret that as a shag whenever it's convenient for them and certainly don't offer any friendship or much respect.

@Ultimatecougar

But Lavita isn't that just describing a boyfriend rather than a partner or husband? It's not really single.

Being real proper single means no sex, no companionship with the opposite sex, no touch from a man of any kind. It's not the same thing at all as having a boyfriend you don't live with or share finances with.

And it can be bone crushingly lonely.

No, not a boyfriend. I guess it's more of a lover - ? We don't get involved in each other's lives.

They're quite easy to find - but not that easy to find the right one.

I've had several "boyfriends" over the years, but, currently, FWB suits me fine. Especially when the sex is good.

Tbh I think it's as difficult to find a lover as it is a full relationship, so it's not necessarily a solution for someone who is single and lonely.

Yes how to you meet at FwB??

Are you explicit in asking for what you want ? How does it come up?

Downside - I get sad that I don’t think I have anyone who loves me or cares for me, and I miss having someone to go do fun things with.

Upsides- 5yrs in- total freedom, no compromising, individual financial security, I’m brave and can do anything alone. I have total confidence in myself. I don’t have to share or debate or feel stressed about what someone else is thinking. I don’t have to ever ask permission for anything ever. I can parent exactly how I choose and my kids are my team.

Oh. And if I go out or travel for work (those were the days!) I can flirt and shag any beautiful looking man whenever I choose

I bet it’s bloody brilliant. I love my DH but my god I’d love a few days/weeks of just being on my own, my own timetable etc. Ah bliss

I was single for a few years in my mid twenties and lived alone (from 24-28). Absolutely loved it. I miss it , especially now I'm in an unsatisfying relationship. Best things about it:

-Can do what you want with your time and your life
-No in-laws
-Free to meet friends and family any time
-No one else dirty clothes to pick up!
-No arguements, snipping or remarks from someone else
-Own music and TV

The only thing I'd miss if I was single again would be the sex, but you can always buy a good vibrator!

I love my single life - I've been on my own for nearly 7 years. I'm 34 and can't see me ever entering a relationship again - I'm at my happiest without one. And don't want children :)

I'd echo a lot of the positives on the thread already (we did have a happy singles thread going for a while but I haven't checked in for ages) - for me the only real downside is that it's more expensive to live alone than to split bills etc with a partner.

I don't lack for company, most of my friends are married and lots have children but they're all more than happy to come round / go for dinner / chat for hours on the phone / go away for weekends with me / etc and that hasn't changed with their getting married. Covid has had an impact but only in that I can't hug my friends and I find that very hard. I still see them!

Sex wise I'm celibate and happy with that, I have a good sex drive when I'm with someone but not fussed at all unless there's someone I'm attracted to, and I don't form attractions easily or lightly, it's usually after I've known someone a long time. I often wonder how people have time for sex when I barely have time to sleep 😂

I've never really felt lonely since becoming single and while I understand pp comments about not being the centre of someone's world, I don't find that's true for me - there are now a whole bunch of people who if I didn't show on our daily chat or whatever would know something was up and would come to my aid. My friends dropped everything to help when my Dad was in hospital and passed away, and I didn't feel the lack of a partner then either.

Society doesn't like it much but I give no fucks about that - I've got my life exactly how I like it and I love my days, my weekends, my time on the planet. Can't see me ever giving it up for a man

I get to have my home exactly how I want it, do whatever hobbies I fancy, see who I want when I want, run my businesses on totally weird night owl schedules, have toast for dinner and fill my home with books.

There aren't any downsides for me, but we are so conditioned to think that coupling up is what we're meant to do and staying long term single is a failure that it can be hard to get past that mental block!

Noshow - would you still love it when you have to have a medical procedure and there is noone to bring you home afterwards and the hospital won't let you go alone?

When you have 2 children who need to be in different places at the same time and you have to tell one of them they can't do their activity because you can't take them?

When your father dies and you have to go through it alone without so much as a hug?

When you have an accident at work and they ask who to call for you and you have to say there is noone?

It's not all socialising, hogging the remote control and star fishing across the double bed, being single.

@Mintjulia to which I would add that the tv is what you choose (or choose not to have tv on), and no-one worries if you are out longer than intended.

@Ultimatecougar

Tbh I think it's as difficult to find a lover as it is a full relationship, so it's not necessarily a solution for someone who is single and lonely.

I'm guessing your username is an aspiration rather than a reality - ?!

I've had my FWB/lover for a number of years. The status evolves gradually.

I've actually had several, over the years. You start out thinking - I'd quite like a relationship. And you both make a go of it. But for one reason or another perhaps it doesn't work. So you stay in touch. Admit you still fancy one another...and so on.

It's very liberating to be in this position - already had kids, don't need a man for financial support, etc.

As for - who picks you up from hospital, etc...? Not valid reasons to be stuck in a dull relationship. Surely you have good friends and family members?