What’s it like being single ? Serious question )

[Emmie12345]

Stupid question really but I never have been !

I am starting to feel current relationship isn’t right for a number of reasons - I met my partner very soon after my marriage ended so never really had time on my own .

I’m scared that being single is stopping me ending things thoiugh - we don’t live together , which I suppose means i am used to time alone

Has anyone got any Advice ?

Being single is great, but like other relationships you have to put work into your own relationship with yourself. I think the reason that women who have just broken up with someone can dislike being single so much, is because they haven't put any effort or time into themselves for such a long time that being alone just feels empty. Once you've been single for a while you find things you enjoy, new friends, you invest energy in yourself, which means you build up routines, busy days and self confidence. It takes effort and time to feel comfortable in your own company!

I love being single, it would take someone amazing to make me even consider giving it up. I love that I can do what I want, when I want without having to consider another person. I do have a great FWB too who I see once or twice a fortnight so have the best of both worlds

@Mermaidwaves

Its scary and in the evenings I get really bad anxiety and panic when I realise I'm alone

What are you actually afraid of (if you don't mind me asking)?

"Everyone seems to love it but I hate being single."

Only on MN! Everyone I know in real life would like to meet someone. Not just anyone of course, but a happy relationship.

Being single can be lonely. This can be mitigated most of the time by being active, going to different places, seeing friends, etc. but lockdown is VERY hard on single people.

Ok so following on
From @Mermaidwaves post about feeling anxious in the evening ..

How do people self soothe ? What works for you?

It will be weird for you at first OP. If you have always been in relationships, it feels really odd not having that someone who thinks of you, contacts you, does things with you. I enjoyed being single but always end up back in a relationship!

The best response I ever read to one of these threads was...

'No one shits in my toilet'

I'm not sure 'self soothe' is the right phrase, as it suggests not being in a 'soothed' state to start with. But there's always something to do. A book on the go, something to learn, something to create, something to care for, some exercise to do, some journey to make, someone to keep in touch with, something to cook, something to watch, sometimes there's even a small window of opportunity for... something to clean.

It's like when you're a kid, and you say 'I'm bo-o-o-o-o-ored!!' and your mum says 'Well, find something to do, then!'

Honestly, in this day and age, with everything at our fingertips, we can get ourselves involved in pretty much anything.

@EarthSight

Because pair bonding is what human beings do?? Because life is often easier with a partner? Because intimacy's nice

Pair bonding is what some humans do, and many of them do it with people they'd be better off without, due to societal pressure. Life is easier with a partner in some ways, but easier single in others. Intimacy is nice when you feel like having intimacy, but for most people that's not all the time or on schedule with someone else's requirement for intimacy.

Your statements are quite 'blanket', but everybody is different, so they only apply to some people.

@Emmie12345

Stupid question really but I never have been !

I am starting to feel current relationship isn’t right for a number of reasons - I met my partner very soon after my marriage ended so never really had time on my own .

I’m scared that being single is stopping me ending things thoiugh - we don’t live together , which I suppose means i am used to time alone

Has anyone got any Advice ?

As random as asking “what’s it like to be married?”

[quote Eckhart]@EarthSight

Because pair bonding is what human beings do?? Because life is often easier with a partner? Because intimacy's nice

Pair bonding is what some humans do, and many of them do it with people they'd be better off without, due to societal pressure. Life is easier with a partner in some ways, but easier single in others. Intimacy is nice when you feel like having intimacy, but for most people that's not all the time or on schedule with someone else's requirement for intimacy.

Your statements are quite 'blanket', but everybody is different, so they only apply to some people.[/quote]
@Eckhart

I went over your post again and I think I misinterpreted the tone of your question at the end, which I took more as rhetorical or dismissive, but I think you were asking a genuine question.

I don't disagree with your last post. Some people know what their needs are and know that single life is best for them and they enjoy it.

Shit. Especially at the moment with Covid.

And decent FWB who treat you with respect and provide decent sex are really difficult to find - as least as difficult as a proper relationship.

I wouldn't class someone with a FWB as properly single anyway.

Yes, Earthsight, it was a genuine question. I didn't mean it to come across as dismissive at all. I thought you seemed a bit '??!' !

I think, if a person is not sure about the relationship they're in, like OP, it's a very good idea to figure out why they're in it, to help them decide whether to stay.

@Hellotheresweet not really , it’s interesting to read different takes on it, what people enjoy about it or find challenging about it

I could easily provide an answer to ‘what is it like to be married ‘- it’s people’s experiences that are of interest

@Eckhart exactly

I don’t really like being alone , so a big thing for me would be needing to ensure wide social circle / hobbies etc if was single

Do be aware that can be tricky, Op.

Despite what is posted here, the ‘norm’ is for people to be coupled up (I don’t mean not to be in a couple is not normal, just that most people are not single.)

Finding someone who say is prepared to come out after a day at work and socialise with you when they have their own children/spouse is a big ask and IME it’s rare they are prepared to do this.

After being in a long term relationship which ended shortly after getting married, I found myself suddenly single at an age when most friends were starting to have children.
I’d had a great relationship, so suddenly finding myself single was a big struggle.

However I put myself out there into new hobbies, did some solo travelling and made new friends. It was all great fun but I missed having that loving relationship, someone to always rely on etc. That being said I definitely did not want to just fall into an unsuitable relationship and after 4-5 years found the right one.

I am very happily single. My little house is my sanctuary, I have found peace and contentment. I have been single for coming up 7 years now, my life isn’t perfect but the peace and contentment I have found is just gold.
The only eggshells I worry about are those I make for my scrambled eggs, the only drinking I need to worry about is my own. I can’t see me living with anyone else again. And that feels good!

@Emmie12345

I think if you build up the time you spend doing hobbies that you really love, you might find that you enjoy time alone more and more. Enjoying being alone is like a muscle; you've not worked your 'being alone' muscle much before, so it'll be... forgive me... a bit flimsy. You can develop it, over time, with effort, until it is a well honed and powerful beast. I know it's not the same for everyone, but I used to dislike being alone too, and felt it to be some sort of failing. Now I'm so busy (sometimes busy doing nothing) that I rarely feel I want to be interrupted.
It's a good power to have, the enjoyment of solitude. You don't need anyone. A day isn't ruined if someone lets you down. Your life isn't derailed if someone decides they don't want to be your friend. You never spend time with anybody you don't want to.

@Mermaidwaves

I can relate entirely to how you feel. I dated unsuitable men for the exact same reason. I’m single now too.

But there's always something to do. A book on the go, something to learn, something to create, something to care for, some exercise to do, some journey to make, someone to keep in touch with, something to cook, something to watch, sometimes there's even a small window of opportunity for... something to clean

I love this because it’s so true.

@Separatedandabitsad

But there's always something to do. A book on the go, something to learn, something to create, something to care for, some exercise to do, some journey to make, someone to keep in touch with, something to cook, something to watch, sometimes there's even a small window of opportunity for... something to clean

I love this because it’s so true.

Yes fantastic ! X

I can't explain what I'm afraid of, its just this horrible feeling in my chest, and just this feeling of fear, sadness and emptiness. It happens in the evenings and during the night. Maybe its grief? Its just a horrible feeling and it drives me onto the dating apps feeling desperate to find someone.

@Separatedandabitsad I've dated men who are so wrong for me and I've been hurt. Are you happily single now?

"Finding someone who say is prepared to come out after a day at work and socialise with you when they have their own children/spouse is a big ask and IME it’s rare they are prepared to do this."

Yes. Once past your twenties, it's difficult to get all your companionship needs from friends. Even setting aside the need for closeness and affection that you can't get from friends, getting enough basic companionship is a constant challenge for many singles.

I'm very happy being single and it's no surprise to me that those who live the longest are single women and married men.