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Original poster

Perfect guy but he’s had the snip

141 replies

Wendywoo19 · 27/11/2020 00:03

I met my BF a couple of years ago and after a few dates he told me that he’d had the snip. I don’t have any kids but enjoyed his company and had the mindset it wouldn’t go anywhere but I was having fun. Fast forward 2 years and we are in a serious relationship, live together and are very happy. But... i think we are both burying our heads about the fact he’s had the snip and I don’t have any children. I know there are men who get divorced and have kids later in life with a new partner, or men who have their vasectomy reversed when their situation changes. I know I need to have the conversation with him but I’m worried if he’s dead against it then I have some big decisions to make. What if I end things with my BF but then never meet someone as good as him? What if I meet someone else but kids don’t happen with a new partner either? It’s all what ifs and it would help to hear from people who have maybe been in similar situations?

OP posts:
HardlyEver · 27/11/2020 00:09

Honestly, it’s the same as falling for a man who absolutely doesn’t want children. You have to choose either the relationship, if it’s worth not having a child you want, or keep looking for someone who wants to be a parent, and take the associated risks.

One thing I noticed is that nowhere in your post do you say ‘I want children’, you simply say, twice, that you don’t have children. Two very different things. Do you actually want children? It’s not compulsory, and I can’t help feeling that someone who unambivalently wanted them would probably not have drifted along for so long in a relationship with a man who’s been upfront from the start about his vasectomy.

Original poster
Wendywoo19 · 27/11/2020 00:18

@HardlyEver I think that’s also something I need to figure out, how much i actually want one. I always did want kids but after a miscarriage 6 years ago I think I got in the mindset of thinking it might never happen for me. Then I met my BF and I did say to him at the start we probably want different things but it didn’t seem to stop our relationship growing. Now 2 years later, we have a happy relationship and it seems so sad that I would walk away from a happy relationship for a what if?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/11/2020 00:20

How old are you op?

Does he have kids? Do you see them?

Would adoption / donor be an option?

Original poster
Wendywoo19 · 27/11/2020 00:25

I’m early 30s, he has kids yes but they are late teens, we see them a lot and he’s a good dad. So he’s had his family but I haven’t had mine.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 27/11/2020 00:28

Do you really want them? Does he have any already? Would he want them?

This is available too if you both decide you want one.
Testicular sperm aspiration (TESA)

HardlyEver · 27/11/2020 00:30

But you sound incredibly passive about it, OP. You said at the start you knew you both wanted different things, but then say ‘it didn’t seem to stop our relationship growing’, as if your relationship is entirely separate to you. You kept seeing him after he told you about his vasectomy, you moved in with him. These were (presumably) your choices.

Now you seem to be leaping ahead to a conversation where you ask him to consider reversing his vasectomy, but you still don’t seem to really know if you even want a child! Surely this is the key question?

In his shoes, I certainly wouldn’t be contemplating having children, and having surgery to do so, with someone who was ambivalent.

You don’t mention either whether he has children from a previous relationship?

HardlyEver · 27/11/2020 00:31

X-post. He does have children.

Original poster
Wendywoo19 · 27/11/2020 00:37

@RantyAnty I’m not sure if he would want any, it’s a conversation I think we both avoided because even if he says he would be open to looking into it, it might not be successful. Without going into too much detail he has made some significant life changes for the benefit of our relationship and so I know he wouldn’t want to lose me. But I’m still not 100% on what he would say if I laid the cards on the table that I want to try for a child.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/11/2020 00:39

I think if you definitely wanted kids, you wouldn’t have proceeded with this relationship....so rather than have it as a tick box stage of life...you really need to think about that.

If you do ..would sperm donation be an option? Or being that he's had a vasectomy, would he want children anyway ...as its really a permanent decision because the man doesn't want any more children.

Original poster
Wendywoo19 · 27/11/2020 00:44

@HardlyEver I do want one but I think afternoon past events I’ve not allowed myself to believe it’s definitely going to happen for me. In my 20s it’s all I wanted and I experienced a lot of disappointment which is maybe why I’m coming across as passive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wendywoo19 · 27/11/2020 00:45

*after

OP posts:
Original poster
Wendywoo19 · 27/11/2020 00:54

@SandyY2K I just clicked with this man from the word go and the advice I got at the time from friends was just see what happens. I really would only want a child that’s mine and his. He had the snip about 14 years ago when he was still married.

OP posts:
shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 27/11/2020 01:01

Hi op. I have two kids that I am eternally in love with. However, honestly if I knew then what I knew now, I know I could live a great life without them. Now I know this is possibly insensitive to those that can't have them but not having children opens up a world of possibilities for you. Right now your time is your own. Your money is your own. Having kids is hard. Like sometimes really hard. It wears on your relationship, effects your finances, your job, your body, you sex life, your looks, your outlook, your priorities and everything.

Now I would not be without my kids. I adore them. But I would be richer, thinner and somewhere completely different without them.

What I'm saying is that yes you really should have the conversation to find out where he stands but you should think very carefully before throwing away a great relationship for something you may not be able to have and actually really consider if it's what you want. There are no easy answers.

Mintjulia · 27/11/2020 01:03

You need to deal with this, and I think you realise that. If you want children, the need will get stronger and you will start to resent him.

I'd leave it until after Xmas and then have the conversation.

Ginandplatonic · 27/11/2020 01:06

The only way to resolve this is to have a conversation with him. But first you need to be clear in your own mind where you are on the spectrum of definitely don’t want a child-if it happens it happens-want a child but could live without one if he doesn’t/can’t-desperately want a child and it’s a deal breaker if he doesn’t.

Then have the conversation to see where he is on that spectrum and take it from there. There really is no other way.

FWIW I know quite a few people who were in your situation with an older partner with teen kids and a vasectomy. The most common outcome among my acquaintances is he had it reversed and they went on to have one child together. Some had more than one, some didn’t have kids together (but thinking about it these were all couples where she already had kids too).

Cantbelievelife · 27/11/2020 01:10

What age is he? Unfortunately its a conversation you can't continue to bury your head about. Hope that things work out

Original poster
Wendywoo19 · 27/11/2020 01:20

@shouldhavecalleditoatabix thanks for your reply. What you have said is the argument I have with myself in my head. I worry that I would be throwing away a great relationship for something that I may never have. Meeting someone else who wants kids doesn’t mean it’s a given it will happen. But then if my BF did say no he isn’t open to looking into a reversal / getting help then could I live with that? I think if he said no that would devastate me because a part of me would feel he didn’t love me enough. We have recently got a beagle puppy together and I know a puppy isn’t a baby but it shows he’s invested in us long term & gives me a glimmer of hope!!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 27/11/2020 01:24

It sounds like he's a bit older than you. I think you should have the conversation but expect - been there, done that, from him. Much as you should of considered this before getting serious, he should of also considered this before committing to a younger childless woman. If you can't discuss this, your relationship already has barriers and is not the ideal you think.

Original poster
Wendywoo19 · 27/11/2020 01:25

@Cantbelievelife he’s early 40s

@Ginandplatonic thanks for that, it’s nice to hear some outcomes of people in similar situations. I think I would be happy with one child with us being the ages we are.

@Mintjulia I have said to myself in the new year I need to grow some balls (no pun intended!) and have the conversation with him. I think I wanted to thrash my thoughts out on here first to get clearer vision and also get advice from people who are independent

OP posts:
MissSmith80 · 27/11/2020 01:26

I was in a similar situation although I didn't let the relationship get as far as yours (we were together for about 6 months, not living together). I ended it because we had 'the talk' and it was clear that he did not want any more children. I did.
I met my now, DP just a couple of months after the split, we are very happy and have a little boy.
For me, I knew that having children (or at least trying to) was more important than he was - I wouldn't change a thing.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 27/11/2020 01:28

The only way forward here is to talk to him about how you feel without delay. He has everything he wants by the sound of it, children and you, but I don’t think you would ever get over it if you let your (hopefully) child bearing years slip away.

Also, think about having some fertility tests so you know what you are dealing with and your options are clearer.

P.s I’m very sorry to hear about your miscarriage Flowers

TheStripes · 27/11/2020 01:29

But... i think we are both burying our heads about the fact he’s had the snip and I don’t have any children.

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact you are the only one burying your head whereas your boyfriend has seen all these acceptances of it through you progressing further with the relationship and thinks it’s fine. It’s probably not even on his radar.

Ginandplatonic · 27/11/2020 02:40

@Wendywoo19 your post started me thinking about it and I’m actually surprised how many couples I know/know of in this exact situation - I can think of a dozen just off the top of my head who did the reversal/one child thing. In the couple of cases where I know them well enough to have this information he was reluctant, but agreed because she really wanted to and he didn’t want to lose her. Good luck!

CovidClara · 27/11/2020 02:59

Donor sperm is easily available

Dont' bother with reversal- if he is committed to you then he will will be committed to a non biological child

katy1213 · 27/11/2020 03:14

You sound ambivalent about wanting a baby; are you sure it's not about wanting him to make a grand gesture? He has already decided he doesn't want more children; you can hardly blame him for not wanting to embark on it now in his 40s - and he was straight with you from the start. How will you feel if you force him to make a choice - and he says, sorry, but I'm not going down that path again?