Perfect guy but he’s had the snip

[Wendywoo19]

I met my BF a couple of years ago and after a few dates he told me that he’d had the snip. I don’t have any kids but enjoyed his company and had the mindset it wouldn’t go anywhere but I was having fun. Fast forward 2 years and we are in a serious relationship, live together and are very happy. But... i think we are both burying our heads about the fact he’s had the snip and I don’t have any children. I know there are men who get divorced and have kids later in life with a new partner, or men who have their vasectomy reversed when their situation changes. I know I need to have the conversation with him but I’m worried if he’s dead against it then I have some big decisions to make. What if I end things with my BF but then never meet someone as good as him? What if I meet someone else but kids don’t happen with a new partner either? It’s all what ifs and it would help to hear from people who have maybe been in similar situations?

@firesong

If he says no to a baby, that doesn't say anything about his love for you or his commitment to the relationship. Sometimes you must know yourself and what you want. Think carefully about what you want. If you really want a child and he doesn't, you will have to weigh up what will matter most to you.

Absolutely this. Having a child isn’t something you can or should do ‘for’ someone else, however much they want one, or how much you love them. I genuinely can’t understand so many posters encouraging the OP to view her boyfriend reversing his vasectomy as the ultimate test of his love and commitment. It’s irresponsible. He may adore her, but absolutely not want another child.

It’s irresponsible. He may adore her, but absolutely not want another child

completely agree and because he may adore her he may agree to a child that he doesn’t actually want and this may breed resentment, even more so when he’s mid 40s and changing nappies at 3am sleep deprived.

Unless he answers with a straight up yes, let’s do this then I’d be very wary.
Any kind of hesitation could well mean no but I will to keep you.

He also needs to think about his other 3 kids, how would they feel about a sibling. It will impact them, their time with their dad and he needs to weigh up that up too.

If he really wanted a child, knowing you want a child and haven’t got any then he would of mentioned it by now after 2 years.

I appreciate everyone’s replies, it’s always interesting to see how people have such different opinions. If my BF absolutely hates the idea of us having a child and it would make him miserable then I agree not even love should make him change his stance. But if it’s a case of he doesn’t have a burning desire for another child but doesn’t hate the idea either then yes I think if he loves me enough it shouldn’t be off the table. I think it’s unrealistic to expect no hesitation....decisions about where to live, getting married, moving jobs, having kids etc etc have hesitation / compromise all the time.

But OP turn that idea back round. If someone told you that if you didn't have a burning desire for a child, then if you loved him enough then you should give up your dream of a family. That would be unfair IMO - and so is the idea that his willingness to have a child with you is ANY reflection of his love for you.

And in this case having children has never been ON the table as an option. He has gone to surgical lengths to ensure that, and would need to go to more surgical lengths (that might not even work) to reverse it. These aren't casual things people flip-flop over. There's no ambiguity in his actions. You're the one changing the default assumptions about your future together, not him.

I hope for your sake that he is one of the minority of men who've had vasectomies who are willing to reverse them - that's obviously the ideal outcome. But IMO it's more likely you'll have to leave him if you want your own biological DC - and that decision is about you, not him or his love for you.

So you want him to compromise and have a child he doesn't want and was quite clear he doesn't want and went so far as to have a vasectomy to make sure he doesn't have a child.

But he might if he loves you 🤷‍♀️

Even if he agrees to have the treatment and for you to ttc, your odds, as a couple, of having a baby will be low.

‘Why do some men decide to have a child after having the snip?’ I think it’s often primarily to continue their relationship with their new partner.

Not necessarily about how much they love the new partner, more whether they prefer to continue the relationship and ttc / (if they beat the stats) have another DC than to be single again and seek a long term relationship. When lots of women in their preferred ‘dating pool’ may also want DC, or have DC to whom they (the men) would have to be step parent.

@Dozer I think I would be able to find peace more with us trying but it not working than him just saying no. As I could go on to meet someone else and it not happen.

can the snip reversal work ??

@Amelda91 it can sometimes take some time to see whether the reversal had worked (a year). We had a reversal 15 years post the vasectomy but didn't want to wait and then had children via IVF. The longer its left, the harder it becomes to be successful. I believe you can do sperm extraction and ivf without doing the reversal though.

Op, it's possible so don't give up but you both have to really want children. My ex and I broke up post the children anyway and he told me he only had them to appease me because it would have been a dealbreaker.

My DH had a vasectomy at 40 because his ex wife wanted him to, the marriage didn’t last. Now we want a family and we were told a reversal would be unlikely to work so we have gone straight to IVF with sperm taken direct from the testes. Not sure why everyone here is so stubbornly claiming they know what this man’s motivations were for having a vasectomy - none of us have any idea. DH didn’t want any more kids with his ex but he does want them with me - we have both of course accepted that if I don’t get pregnant before our money runs out then we will have to accept not having a family which will be sad, but at least we tried.
DH is just as invested in the IVF as I am, he talks all the time about what we will do with our baby, where we will go etc and plans to take 6 months off in shared parental leave.
Circumstances change, people change their minds. OP I’d just have the conversation with him 💕

Old thread

I know this is off topic as the man has not actually said he doesn’t want more children but My exh did not want more children but had them with me to keep me/save our relationship and then resented me for it and eventually we split.

We are in this situation, we've both agreed to have a child.
We talked about it in depth very early on.
We're going down the reversal route.

If you don’t want the same things in life (like children) then it’s not a perfect relationship sorry. You are kidding yourself thinking it is. It’s a massive thing not to be on the same page about and it will breed resentment and regret. It sounds like you’re staying with him through fear of not finding anyone better, which is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship.

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