Perfect guy but he’s had the snip

[Wendywoo19]

I met my BF a couple of years ago and after a few dates he told me that he’d had the snip. I don’t have any kids but enjoyed his company and had the mindset it wouldn’t go anywhere but I was having fun. Fast forward 2 years and we are in a serious relationship, live together and are very happy. But... i think we are both burying our heads about the fact he’s had the snip and I don’t have any children. I know there are men who get divorced and have kids later in life with a new partner, or men who have their vasectomy reversed when their situation changes. I know I need to have the conversation with him but I’m worried if he’s dead against it then I have some big decisions to make. What if I end things with my BF but then never meet someone as good as him? What if I meet someone else but kids don’t happen with a new partner either? It’s all what ifs and it would help to hear from people who have maybe been in similar situations?

@Eesha thank you, hearing that gives me hope. I know my ideal would be to stay with my BF and have one child together. But if he says no then he says no and I will respect that. Also to answer about the sperm donor comments I know for a fact he would not be ok with me having a baby with another mans sperm and I completely understand that & wouldn’t want to go down that route myself anyway whilst in a relationship with him.

But he probably won't say no.

He will hum and harr and somehow... nothing will change.

Don't pick up on the one positive 'he reversed it' reply and cling to it.

Your history with the MC and all... you want kids. It's obvious.

It could be your biggest regret if you just drift with this one.

He's happy to see you drift... to have his family 'in the bag', to know you don't, and to happily keep mum on it all... That's not good.

You MUST raise it with him asap and be direct. Would he have a reversal? Not 'consider' it. Would he, and when. Don't be deflected. If he tries to deflect, that's your red flag that he cares much more about his welfare than anything else.

He would not be ok with you having a baby with another man's sperm? Well you live every day with him have children from another woman's eggs, so I suggest you put that option very firmly on the table and remind him that like it or not, it is a resonable approach, if he doesn't want the parental responsibility of another child. You're giving him the option to be your kids' father if he wishes.

Don't put yourself second to his comfort and wants in life or be subtly manipulated into doing so.

You got a lot of good comments here OP, so it’ll add just a few points....
Your BF may or may not come around to have another child.
Let’s face it - his life isn’t all bad right now. He has kids, but they don’t affect his lifestyle. He has a younger gf who can direct all her time and attention on him. So - why would he decide to change that?
And the only reason would be if he actually and truly loved you and wanted your relationship to last.
So - in a way - this issue is the real test of his commitment to you. And I think you know it and this is why it is scary for you to go there. (And on this - having a puppy with you isn’t really a sign of commitment, sorry)

As to you. I think you are afraid to admit to yourself that you actually want a child. You have been hurt before and it’s scary to want something and fail at getting it. So - being somewhat noncommittal as you are right now seems to me more of a defensive reaction. But you are still young and you still haven’t explored all the options. The choice to try them or not is still in your hands but at some point the time will run out. So - you need to decide whether it’s taking a risk now or deal with possible regrets later.

Finally. I disagree that most men won’t mind you just popping off to a sperm bank. It’s one thing if he dated a woman with a pre-existing child. Or if he had an issue with his sperm. But I don’t think most men in your situation would be happy to sacrifices their lifestyle to raise someone else’s child, while not willing to do it for his own...

Finally - in your case - if you were to go for it, I’d not bother with reversal. I’d just extract the sperm with a needle and try IVF. If you have fertility issues - no reason to waste time.

I get that you wouldn't want to do it yourself OP but it would be totally hypocritical of him to say he didn't want you to have a baby with another man's sperm and it would very much put me off if that was his response.

I agree with those saying don't equate him having a child with you to proof of love.

I can't imagine anything worse than having teens and going back to the baby stage again.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to be so over all that.
In fact without exception all of my pals feel the same.

For a lot of people, both men and women, when you are done, you are DONE.

[quote Wendywoo19]@Bagamoyo1 thank you for your message. Out of curiosity do you know what happened to your ex, is he with someone else now? I think you had your lightbulb moment about what was the right thing to do but I haven’t had that yet. And without going into things too much, I think it’s our relationship that’s made my BF content after a lot of bad things happening in his life. And maybe the same for me too. Which is why I think we are both reluctant to open Pandora’s box! We have found something with each other that makes us both happy.[/quote]
What happened with me was that due to practical circumstances, we ended up still living together when I managed to get pregnant by IVF donor. And we still got on well and had a good relationship. I moved out just before DS was born. Within a week of me leaving, my ex begged me to come back. He said he’d changed his mind. But I knew he hadn’t really. I knew it was only me he wanted, not a child. And I didn’t want my child to grow up with someone who didn’t really want him.
We saw each other regularly for a year or so, and my ex still wanted to get back together, but never showed any interest in DS, so I knew nothing had changed. He eventually started seeing other people, and is now happily married to a woman who never wanted kids either.

We never fell out or argued, we just wanted different things. It was tragic really.

Don't put yourself second to his comfort and wants in life or be subtly manipulated into doing so.

But he also shouldn't 'put himself second' to her wants and needs if you are looking at it like that. He shouldn't have to change his mind any more than she should. If he agrees to try for a baby to keep his relationship and it is successful but he really didn't want it enough, there's a very good chance that relationship will fail because having children tests even the strongest of marriages where those children were very much wanted from the start. Just look at this forum.

@MMmomDD

You got a lot of good comments here OP, so it’ll add just a few points.... Your BF may or may not come around to have another child. Let’s face it - his life isn’t all bad right now. He has kids, but they don’t affect his lifestyle. He has a younger gf who can direct all her time and attention on him. So - why would he decide to change that? And the only reason would be if he actually and truly loved you and wanted your relationship to last. So - in a way - this issue is the real test of his commitment to you. And I think you know it and this is why it is scary for you to go there. (And on this - having a puppy with you isn’t really a sign of commitment, sorry)

As to you. I think you are afraid to admit to yourself that you actually want a child. You have been hurt before and it’s scary to want something and fail at getting it. So - being somewhat noncommittal as you are right now seems to me more of a defensive reaction. But you are still young and you still haven’t explored all the options. The choice to try them or not is still in your hands but at some point the time will run out. So - you need to decide whether it’s taking a risk now or deal with possible regrets later.

Finally. I disagree that most men won’t mind you just popping off to a sperm bank. It’s one thing if he dated a woman with a pre-existing child. Or if he had an issue with his sperm. But I don’t think most men in your situation would be happy to sacrifices their lifestyle to raise someone else’s child, while not willing to do it for his own...

Finally - in your case - if you were to go for it, I’d not bother with reversal. I’d just extract the sperm with a needle and try IVF. If you have fertility issues - no reason to waste time.

So if he truly loves her he will agree to having children! What a load of old rubbish.

He decided he did not want more children and, to make sure of that, he had a vasectomy. He should be applauded for doing that when so many men won't.

The OP knew from the start that he had had one and chose not only to stay with him but also to live with him.

She is allowed to change her mind but he isn't?

If children are so important to the OP that she would throw a good loving relationship away then so be it but I think that would be pretty stupid.

Children grow up and leave home, maybe even move a long away away or abroad. A loving partner will still be there.

If children are so important to the OP that she would throw a good loving relationship away then so be it but I think that would be pretty stupid. Children grow up and leave home, maybe even move a long away away or abroad. A loving partner will still be there.

I agree that OPs partner shouldn't have a baby he doesn't want to please OP, but it's very strange to see someone on MN arguing that prioritising children over partners is stupid and the relationships you have with children are less valuable. Most people on MN rate children as the most important thing on the planet. I don't see why OP could be considered stupid for leaving a good relationship because she wants to have kids.

It’s a great relationship now but you should never put aside your wants/needs for a bloke. There’s millions out there. Sorry but it’s true. I had the best bloke who then went and shagged my friend. You never know what’s round the corner. Is your relationship still going to be brilliant when you’re 50? Sorry but blokes come and go. Your kids are yours forever and you should not shelve your want for a family for one bloke who may well take up all your fertile years and then bin you when you’re 45 and it’s too late. He’s got nothing to lose. He’s got his kids. You have to be selfish about what you want out of life because you only get one. I didn’t have kids in my early 30s and didn’t want them. By the time I was 40 that had changed and thank god it worked out for me because having kids is THE BEST thing I’ve ever done. I love being a mum. Love love love it, it’s brilliant. If you have any inkling you might want that then you need to be business like. He gets it reversed or commits to IVF and commits to being pregnant by the time you’re 33 or you are gone. End of. Lots may not agree but it’s a very brutish way of going through life. All this namby pamby airy fairy “what ifs” and “it may not happen anyway” “oooh he’s the best BF I’ve ever had”
Eff that.
Every American female friend I have doesn’t do this. They have a plan. They date to the plan. If the bloke doesn’t commit to the same plan, they are dumped and they move on until they find the one who gives them what they want. Marriage is a contract for a reason.
Do not let your life plan slip by.

Every circumstance is different. But a friend met a man who had older kids (teens) and he too was adamant that he would not have any more children. He was done with that stage in his life. Well, a couple years later they got engaged and she had a baby....they seem very happy...so he changed his mind or perhaps saw that it would not be fair for him to prevent her from having a child. Its incredibly selfish for one to say well..ive had my kids... so we are not having kids.

However, I get your worry that you fear you might not be able to have kids anyway due to your miscarriage, so its a gamble to leave him etc.

But if you want kids, I would be honest with him and let him know now. Ask if he would be willing to try, but also mention your fear about the miscarriage etc. If you can not be open and honest about what you want/need in the relationship...that is a problem.

@lynsey91

No, it’s not about true love. This is a very simplistic way of looking at it.
Long term relationships and decisions to have children aren’t only based on emotions, but also on practical considerations and compromises. Finances and lifestyle considerations do factor strongly into it - and especially for men who already have children.
That is why I said - his decision would be a test to the strength of his commitment - not love....

Reality is that more often than not - it’s the woman in a relationship who feels the need to have a child, and also feels the pressure. Many men, if left to their own choices - would delay to some distant day. So - the decisions is often forced and influenced by a woman, in regular relationships/marriages just as well. And men often go along with women’s needs on the timing as this is what one does in a committed relationship.
So - yes. His decision is a choice and a test of sorts.

He had the snip about 14 years ago when he was still married

I believe the longer ago it was, the less the chances of success with a reversal.

Even if he wanted to do it...the chances aren't great.

It's estimated that the success rate of a vasectomy reversal is: 75% if you have your vasectomy reversed within 3 years. up to 55% after 3 to 8 years. between 40% and 45% after 9 to 14 years.

@SandyY2K

He still produces sperm. It just gets reabsorbed back to his body.
There is a simple and painless procedure to extract the small amount of sperm needed for IVF.

It’d be a deal breaker for me, right at the off, as I wanted DC.

Stats for babies following attempted vasectomy reversal aren’t great at all, and it’s probable that you too would need expensive and invasive fertility treatment that may well not lead to having a DC.

I don't think it's at all selfish for a man or a woman to say "I have my children and I don't want more with you", even more so if it's a woman that would have to do the carrying.

The person really wanting the child has a choice to make. If it's a deal breaker, they move on to someone else who shares their wish for a child.

It's perfectly reasonable for either party IMO to say they are done.

I think he was very sensible to have the snip and take responsibility for his contraception when he was sure he didn't want anymore children.

I wish more men would do this.

@shouldhavecalleditoatabix not a truer word spoken. Op, only you know if not having a child is a dealbreaker for you but please don’t take his reluctance as a reflection of how he feels about you.

Have been in this situation but from your partners perspective. I should start out by saying there were other issues in the relationship which included him cheating however this points still stand

I have had my children and cannot have any more (had a hysterectomy at 30 so it’s permanent ) was married so family was complete. We split up and divorced and I met someone else. He was a couple of years younger. No kids. Wasn’t an issue at first until all his friends started to settle down marry and have their own kids. Then he started to think. He was very torn and didn’t want to commit to a future with me and find he still had those feelings a few years down the line as it would be much harder then . He was worried he could end up resenting me . It was so upsetting and still really hurts but he ultimately ended it
He wasn’t able to completely take his life down a set path where kids were completely off limits . I think the two of you need to talk about this. And be prepared for some potentially painful times ahead x

I guess I would like to try and understand why some men have a vasectomy and get it reversed when meeting a new partner later in life and why some don’t. If it’s not based on how much they love someone why do some men decide to have a child after going to the lengths of having the snip? I find most of my friends who have had kids have been the ones to decide it’s the right time and the men have kind of gone along with it, but as soon as the baby arrives the men are all in. I’ve also heard an expression along the lines of a woman feels mother as soon as she’s pregnant but a man doesn’t feel a father until the baby is born and I wonder how much truth there is in that.

I think reasons can be very varied. Some men might have been 'talked into'' having the snip by a partner once they had completed their family but then meeting someone else , decided he would be happy to have another child/ren.

Some do it because of a tragedy whereby they lose a child or children after the op.

Probably most common though is that they would rather agree to another child than lose the relationship but that to me isn't really wanting a child and I wouldn't want a child with someone who didn't absolutely want one too. I am willing to bet that in a lot of those cases, the man was probably not as hands on as the partner would have hoped once the baby arrived or that the relationship failed anyway once reality set in. Not in all cases, of course but my honest opinion is that not many men who have had the snip will then be desperate for another child when they meet a new partner later down the line.

@Wendywoo19 my ex already had children with his ex and didn't want her to go through a potentially intrusive procedure. Then they split and later he met others who wanted kids. We did do the reversal which was pricey but we ended up using ivf due to my age and it worked. You probably need to decide whether you are ok to go through all this but it worked for us. Unfortunately we did split up anyway though.

@Wendywoo19, putting aside the huge decision you need to make over whether or not to have this very difficult conversation with your partner, my suggestion would be to seriously consider freezing some of your eggs, if this is an option.
This would not only give you more time to decide whether or not you want children, but also to determine whether your partner is the one you’ll have children with.
I’m telling you this because I stayed with my partner who is 8 years older than I am. I am 39 and he is 47. I’m in the middle of having a miscarriage. We have a son together, but have struggled for 3 years trying to have another. My partner has 2 children from a previous relationship (as in no pregnancies over the 3 years).
He wasn’t in a hurry to have more children, but did want to have them with me (I had this conversation early on, as I knew I wanted to have children). As a result, the relationship progressed slowly and we prioritised house and marriage, which meant sacrificing my early 30’s working to get these things.
Freezing your eggs would at least keep your options open. Ask yourself how you would feel if this relationship came to an end a few years down the line anyway. Would you be okay not having children? Freezing your eggs would also give you more control over your fertility and having children.
Having had a miscarriage before, this is no doubt making you question your fertility and whether it’s worth having this conversation in the first place. I’m not surprised, given that it’s such an ordeal to go through and you may be protecting yourself emotionally a bit by questioning whether you really want children. Your fertility is an area that you can investigate without sacrificing your relationship.

@Wendywoo19 don’t wait until the new year to talk to him. It’ll eat you up. He already knows the answer to this... you need to know it too. You don’t need to act on it immediately, but you’re not enjoying living in limbo. Know the answer so that you can sit with it, and instinct can tell you what’s right for you. Ask the question so that he thinks about it, too. It’ll take two minutes. Ask him tonight. Get it out in the open. I’m about the same age as you, and I’ve also started getting broody. There are hormones at play! But you also need to know.

It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but you can do nothing until you’ve asked, and if you put it off and then he needs time and you put it off even more... by the time you’ve come to a decision and healed, things could be decided for you.

The only way to proceed is to ask him what he thinks, and if he’s a lovely man, that conversation will be okay whatever the answer is - and then you have the massive, massive benefit of knowing what you’re dealing with, and being able to process each option.

@NRE20 Is freezing your eggs a lot more successful now than it was in the past? I was offered it as a career benefit at 19, but the cost of keeping them frozen wasn’t cheap, and the success rates were pretty poor even below 20... is that a lot better now?

@HopeAndDriftWood really good questions. From what I read recently, the cost of storage per year is between £125-£350, which is less than the cost of a monthly mobile contract in most cases and seems reasonable. In terms of success rates, though, I don’t really know and I’m sure there are a lot of factors involved in determining what they’d be per individual. However, it does at least offer a solution to someone not sure if they might want children in the future, but wanting to have a bit more control. Especially if it might mean waiting for a partner to have children with. Might be worth considering.