Perfect guy but he’s had the snip

[Wendywoo19]

I met my BF a couple of years ago and after a few dates he told me that he’d had the snip. I don’t have any kids but enjoyed his company and had the mindset it wouldn’t go anywhere but I was having fun. Fast forward 2 years and we are in a serious relationship, live together and are very happy. But... i think we are both burying our heads about the fact he’s had the snip and I don’t have any children. I know there are men who get divorced and have kids later in life with a new partner, or men who have their vasectomy reversed when their situation changes. I know I need to have the conversation with him but I’m worried if he’s dead against it then I have some big decisions to make. What if I end things with my BF but then never meet someone as good as him? What if I meet someone else but kids don’t happen with a new partner either? It’s all what ifs and it would help to hear from people who have maybe been in similar situations?

Yo have all these scenarios going around your head. The first thing you need to do is talk to your BF and ask him. THEN you can make an informed decision in what you do next!

Vasectomy reversibility rates drop drastically a few years after the initial surgery is performed. If it's been more than 5 years, there's very little chance a reversal would be successful.

@WombOfOnesOwn

Vasectomy reversibility rates drop drastically a few years after the initial surgery is performed. If it's been more than 5 years, there's very little chance a reversal would be successful.

I was coming on to say this. But it is possible to remove sperm from the testes. Idk if it is possible to get enough without going through ivf though.

Time to have the talk op. How much do actually want a child?

if he is committed to you then he will will be committed to a non biological child

yeah, he will
I got spayed (at considerable expense) because I did not want more children. Presumably this man did not want more children either. Respect his decision.

'I think if he said no that would devastate me because a part of me would feel he didn’t love me enough'

I don't think a refusal says that at all. You tread on very dangerous ground when you start expecting someone to agree to things like this 'to show they love you'. As pp said, he has children and got the snip because he doesn't want anymore he knows this because he understands exactly what having children takes. Forcing him to have one to show how much he loves you is unfair on him and unfair on a child. If he doesn't want children it is not a reflection of his love for you. Don't make the mistake of confusing these things.

It’s going to be a massive change for him. If he’s early 40s now, you’d be safe to assume he’ll be 45+ by the time you’ve talked it through and explored the (unlikely to work) reversal.

I know I’m projecting here, but I’m a similar age with teenagers from my previous marriage and have also had the snip. There’s no way in hell that I’d even contemplate pulling the rug from under my kids with a new baby.

And I wouldn’t want to be going through early years child raising in my fifties, or supporting a young adult in my sixties, when I’d hope to be retired and travelling with my DP.

I would never force him to do anything but when we do have the chat, if his answer is a definite no then I don’t think I would be able to stay in this relationship. I wouldn’t expect him to have 2,3 kids with me but I would like one child so I can (hopefully) experience motherhood. A decision that he made 14 years ago when he was married to a woman who also didn’t want more kids surely has scope to change now he’s not in that situation anymore? It can and does happen. Whilst I knew the situation with him he also knew this would come up later down the line. A part of me thinks he would be open to the idea but worries what if it doesn’t work which is why he’s sitting back and waiting for me to bring it up. I know I need to talk to him and I will do in the new year. The thought of leaving him does make me incredibly sad though 😭

You need to sit down and talk. Good luck

My ex husband had the snip after our 2nd child as we both knew we didn't want any more children. Him probably more than me. It wasn't that he didn't want any more children with me...he didn't want any more children. That stage of his life was over.

fast forward 10+ years later and we separated because he had an affair with a younger woman. She didn't have kids and I obviously don't know the details of their relationship at the time but they split 2 years later and I'm fairly sure a lot of it was down to them being at completely different life stages and not being willing to compromise.

It's not about ;if he loves you he will get a reversal'. Having kids is a massive deal to most people and when your kids are quite a lot older, expecting him to go back to a life he had years ago and thought was well in his past is a massive ask.

I wouldn't contemplate 'changing my mind' and having another child when mine are early teems to keep someone else happy so I don't think a man should be expected to either. Neither should you give up your desire to have a family of your own (if you want one). It's just that that and your current relationship might not be compatible sadly.

I would have thought that if you want kids that is a conversation you need to have...and should have had earlier in your relationship.

Just waiting and hoping for the best will only lead to heartache.

Dont' bother with reversal- if he is committed to you then he will will be committed to a non biological child

Oh so very, very true.

Wanted to highlight what a PP said about reversal rates dropping dramatically the more years that go by due to scar healing, surgical striata and the like. It's not impossible but something to bear in mind.

But to highlight my main point, I think you'd be surprised just how many men are prepared to accept donor sperm and raise a nonbiological child in a caring, respectful, loving relationship.

One other point, I'm early-40s so a similar age to your guy. Most men have an "age cap" that they'd father a child at. Mine was 40, you need to have this chat with him sooner rather than later if this is something you actually do have a burning desire for.

Also just to add, he had one other relationship between splitting from his wife and meeting me and his ex had a son who was only 2 when they met so he took a young child on then....

But to highlight my main point, I think you'd be surprised just how many men are prepared to accept donor sperm and raise a nonbiological child in a caring, respectful, loving relationship

But not if they don't want nay more kids, surely?! It's not like getting a puppy. It's asking someone to completely change the path of the future they thought they would have. To go back to nappies and sleepless nights in your 40's when you did it for the first time in your 20's, it's being financially responsible for another person for another 18 years minimum, it's giving up any social life you may have got beck in recent years...the list goes on.

I love my bf but there is absolutely no way I would have another baby just to please him at this stage in my life (and I'm not just talking about my age). Luckily we know we are both on the same page though.

Oh Wendywoo what a difficult situation. Don't through away something great over a possibility of kids......unless you 100% can't live without trying.

Your last post worries me a little....only in that you say he knew this would come up down the line. Remember men can be quite linear in their thinking. In his head he told you he doesn't want kids, he told you that he had the snip and you stayed.....so he might think there is nothing to discuss as you have accepted this.

Many men do not want to start again at this stage in life.

I hope you and he find a resolution that makes you both happy and wish you luck. Kids are a joy and a gift. But being able to travel when you like, having disposable income to go out for meals etc is also a fun way to live.

But not if they don't want nay more kids, surely?!

Yes, of course. Not wanting anymore kids obviates everything.

I know the answer is to talk to him, and I will. I just wanted to gauge the response on here first.

@Wendywoo19

Also just to add, he had one other relationship between splitting from his wife and meeting me and his ex had a son who was only 2 when they met so he took a young child on then....

I'd say that's quite different to having a child of your own though. A harsh as it sounds, you now you can walk away from someone else's child at any point and you don't have to be as involved. He wants to go out, he goes out. If it's his child, it's a different story.

I don't mean to come across as unkind at all, I am just speaking form a level of experience with this which is different w=from what some others are saying to give a balanced view that not every man is willing to make this compromise and if they do, will they be resentful when reality hits?

You really need to have the talk because all people on here can offer is experience and thoughts when only your partner really knows how he feels.

Yes, he could hardly get rid of the 2 year old, could he?
And ultimately he walked away from that relationship, so I don't think you can draw any conclusions from it.
You are seeing what you want to see.

It’s a really difficult situation as I don’t want to resent him or him to resent me but if he says no then I would be walking away from an otherwise happy relationship. I know we would both be extremely upset if we split up.

So, you knowingly went into a relationship knowing that children weren’t on the cards because he’d had a vasectomy.

And now, because you think that some years down the line he should have the vasectomy reversed so that you can have a child he didn’t want and if he doesn’t he doesn’t love you?

I think that’s incredibly selfish tbh. You knew what you were getting into. If you wanted children then it was incredibly selfish to enter into a relationship with someone who wasn’t even capable of fathering more let alone wanted any more children and then thinking he should be the one to change because you’ve changed your mind.

FWIW I knew someone who had had a vasectomy before he married his current DW. They had IVF to conceive, they conceived twins and one of them was stillborn and the other has severe SN. I have no doubt that they love their DC, but I also know that they have asked the question as to whether attempting to change things was the right decision in the end.

Also think of it this way OP. If you say you want to have the discussion and he says no way and he decides to end the relationship off the back of that, will you be happy and accepting then knowing that you’re free to go and have a baby with whoever you want and don’t have to have the conversation?

If my partner started trying to pressure me into having a baby, or even wanting to have a discussion around having a baby I would likely end the relationship on the basis I could only imagine resentment from him in the future. Be careful what you wish for OP.

@AlternativePerspective I think we were both guilty of starting a relationship knowing the other one was on a different page. Life changes and people change so you can’t always pass things by. I don’t regret getting into the relationship because we have had a great 2 years together. And I’m not forcing him to do anything, if he says no he says no.

Also, did you tell your partner in the beginning that you wanted children one day?

I ask because when I was dating I met a guy 3 years younger than me who didn't have any kids. I asked him very early on if he wanted any and he said he would quite like them but wasn't sure. At that point i stopped seeing him as I knew it wasn't fair on him if things were to progress as I had no intention of ever having any more.

If your partner knew this is how you felt and he doesn't want any more then it was quite unfair of him to carry on.

Cross post.

I was in this situation. I always wanted kids, but he didn’t, and he’d had a vasectomy before we met. We fell head over heels in love, best relationship either of us had ever had, we had a great relationship - so he said he could see himself having kids with me, and he’d get the vasectomy reversed.

We got engaged and bought a house together. He booked a private appointment to discuss the reversal, but it clashed with a last minute holiday so he cancelled it. And then somehow it never got rebooked, he always had a reason why he hadn’t called.

In my heart of hearts I knew the answer, I knew he didn’t want kids. But in every other way our lives we’re so perfect. But I was early 30s, and I knew time was passing and I had to make a decision.

Like you I agonised over never meeting anyone else - leaving my lovely partner because I wanted children, only to not meet anyone else, and to end up losing both partner and possibility of kids. So in the end, after confronting him and ascertaining that he definitely didn’t want kids, I left and did it on my own using sperm donation. I now have 2 kids ages 15 and 11, and I have a (non resident) partner who I’ve been with for 4 years. I have no regrets.

The turning point for me came one Sunday when I was with my ex. He’d been out on his bike, and was reading the paper, and looked as happy and fulfilled as anyone could ever be. I realised that this was what he wanted, for ever, and I knew it wouldn’t be enough for me. I felt a tiny twinge of resentment that he was happy and I was in turmoil, and I knew that the resentment would grow and destroy our relationship anyway.

Good luck OP, it’s a horrible situation to be in. But of course you may be fine, he may happily have kids with you, one way or another. You need to have the conversation.