your thoughts of emails my husband makes to his friends about me

[forevermaple]

I am hoping to get others' opinions of what my husband says about me in his emails to his friends, which I find hurtful. A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me. Immediately after returning I figured out that someone had been over when I was away and after confronting him he still kept quiet. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I checked his emails and found a whole bunch of negative emails about me. So, secret "friend" and babysitting for her while I was away aside for a bit (but I would love to hear comments on that), I just want to focus on these emails, which he thinks are not hurtful. Any opinions, even contrary to what you think I want to hear, are appreciated. I will give you my interpretation, but please be honest if you agree or not.

1. I worked my butt off on an application for a $80K grant related to my work. Unfortunately, the grant agency turned me down. My husband emailed several of his friends behind my back and told them I didn't get it. His exact words were: "she got the letter and it was a big fat no." - I am hurt that he is broadcasting my unsuccessful applications to his friends (yes, I have pride). What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful. Also, to describe it as a "big fat no" is to me making it sound like it was a strong rejection...as if the application was really junky. He cannot understand why I feel that way. What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?

2. At one time we had carpet beetles in the house. They will eat anything organic (wool, fur, cotton, cereals, etc). They are very difficult to get rid of. I recognized that we had a problem and we had to work hard to get rid of them. That meant moving furniture away from the walls and vacuuming and spraying the baseboards where they are usually at. We had to inspect every piece of clothing and linens. And we had to act fast because they will multiple like crazy and get all over the house. I could see that he wasn't really believing that the situation was that bad. He hardly helped me. I found emails to his friends really, strongly griping and whining (to say it politely) about all the work we had to do and that he thought we were all fine and in the clear after a little vacuuming. His exact words in a couple of emails was (and italics are his): a) "so we've been vacuuming like crazy and it's beyond exhausting. I think we're fine now, but Sara is incessant about it. It sucks" and b) "...we literally have all the furniture pushed in the middle of the room so we can vacuum the baseboards every single night (cue: eye rolling). Personally, I feel Sara has gone OCD on this but she's my wife and I have to support her." What is noteworthy was that we really were infested with them and he discovered that himself when we found the mother-load of hundreds of them under the appliances and eventually we had to call in the professionals. Also, the email calling me incessant was two days before Valentines day where I got a card that said "thank you for being you. So amazing and incredible." (he forgot to mention "incessant", too). What is your opinion of how he is describing me as being OCD and incessant - especially incessant? It is clear he didn't understand the seriousness of the problem, but that aside the fact that he is complaining to his friends rather than trusting/respecting me and instead is calling me incessant is something I find very hurtful. He cannot accept the fact that incessant is an inherently negative word. Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?

These are just a of couple emails. Some might think it is being oversensitive to spend too much time being hurt by these emails. But isn't it safe to say that these are unkind at best and would be hurtful to most people? And what makes it worse is that these are not just a couple of emails to just get over - these are among years of emails complaining about mostly little things (e.g., the fact that I put Christmas decorations up a few days before Dec1, that I like to tidy the house up before visitors, etc.). Taken together, all these emails are like death by a thousand paper cuts. I look forward to hearing your opinions. Thank you.

So specific questions again:
What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?

Incessant is not a word I could forgive lightly

I dont see the problem with the emails, its just a general grumble, nothing nasty
I wouldn't be offended over the big fat no either

I think you are over-thinking things. Apart from these two, fairly innocuous emails is everything else okay? I would try and focus on the bigger picture, he obviously values you ( Valentine message was lovely and positive)....try not to focus on the negatives. We all get a bit ‘peeved’ with are partners from time to time and need to vent. They are hardly damning.

Why are you focussing on the emails that aren't that bad when he is having an affair?

I would be upset if they were serious, not jokey comments and repetitive over time as it's one thing having a moan about your partner from time to but consistently and in email is a bit much. Tied in with his secret friendship with another women I would say you and he need a serious chat to find out what the problems are and see if you can improve things between you.

I mean this kindly, but in even the best relationships partners can irritate each other at times. Which is why it is good to have friends to occasionally vent to in private. You really should not be monitoring his private emails, scouring them for anything that is remotely negative about you. Your examples are not very negative imho.
Big fat no is usually relating to the character of the people refusing being rude, not the quality of the request. And handling a carpet better invasion is frustrating to anyone, so what if he thought initially you were over reacting? Neither of these are unloving or disrespectful in my opinion.
We all have a right to occasionally complain about our partner in private to a friend. You need to stop reading his private emails.

I think the focus of your concern is in the wrong place, its not ok for him to have "secret" friends and you should not be snooping through his emails.

I agree with @passthemustard.
The emails are a side show compared to the secret ow.

Are you the poster whose husband wouldn't let her vacuum up bugs when he was working because he didn't want to be disturbed and when he wasn't working because he didn't want his relaxation spoilt?

You know, I typed an answer which said that I thought you were maybe being a bit over the top, but in truth, if it makes you so unhappy then you are absolutely entitled to say 'when you do things like that it makes me feel that you are being disrespectful of me and of my feelings'.

So why do you need other people to agree with you that you are right? If it isn't working for you, then it isn't.

You feel the way you feel and you can tell him that. However, you cannot make him agree with you, or make him admit he is wrong or whatever it is you seem to be aiming for. You have to let him respond the way he wants, and then decide if your relationship is worth working for, or if it is time to call it a day.

Don't get trapped in the illusion that if he could just be persuaded of the error of his ways then he would suddenly change and be completely different.

If he were saying these things as opposed to emailing them, how would you even know? Do you maybe think his friends think he's a negative moan ass? How do you think it makes him look?
Do the emails back to him (threads) complain about their partners too? Isn't it all pretty standard to have a moan - it's what friends do isn't it.
Who is this OW and why on earth is he babysitting for her?? He's not 16!

I’d agree with @PlanDeRaccordement - you shouldn’t be snooping into his private emails. Everyone gets annoyed with their DH/DP from time to time and needs to let off steam with their friends.

You’ve invaded his privacy and actually, I don’t even think the emails you’ve seen are that bad. You seem like very hard work to me.

It all sounds weirdly nightmarish with bugs and multiple emails to multiple people and your focus on a very specific word and secret friendships and babysitting stranger's children and refusing to discuss it. Very David lynch.
Seriously though, who emails like that anymore and why is he emailing so many people so much detail about you?
And how does he have a friend you don't know about in your house and looking after their child?
It feels really unsettling to me, very unreal and unnerving

I think you are being totally over the top about the emails, I don’t think any of that was beyond the standard things people say to their friends. I wouldn’t be able to take offence at any of that.

In the nicest way, his emails sound a bit like he sometimes is a little bit irritated about you being quite a lot/a little high maintenance. Your posts also scream that exact same thing. I don’t mean that in a rude way as I think I’m quite similar to you in many ways, but you are being way overboard and reading his private correspondence is not exactly great.

However: it does sound like you two have serous trust/honesty issues. I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here.

I don’t see an issue with the emails but I see an issue with the baby sitting thing it’s odd

This is a strange one

Err, secret OW would be my priority.

The emails wouldn't bother me. I think you going through his emails with a fine toothed comb is out of line.

But I'd be interested to know more about this secret friend

It's weird that he's emailing all that tedious domestic minutiae to his friends. No one cares!

(YABU for putting up Xmas decks in November)

When you're snooping on emails, the trust is already gone.

Big fat no is fine. Just an expression.

The other one isn't great but what jumps out more is that his email sounds really boring/ detailed about domestic matters.

Nothing in those emails is as disrespectful as actually reading them in the first place was. People are entitled to a little whine and a moan about their other halves to their friends without their spouse secretly reading them and then offering them up for in depth textual analysis to strangers on the internet. Reverse the genders here and people would say this was coercive control.

The secret other woman babysitting thing is weird though.

Wby do you care about these email when he HAD ANOTHER WOMAN IN YOUR HOUSE AND LOOKED AFTER HER CHILD??
I mean, that is a bizarre thing to do. I would leave him for that alone.

If you read someone's private correspondence you might find things you don't like.

Not sure why you're focusing on this rather than the actually worrying secret friendship.

Your husband unbeknownst to you is "babysitting" for a person that you've never heard of/met so begs the question how well does he even know their child to be trusted to look after them?

And you're worried about being described as incessant on quite frankly the most tedious sounding email exchange ever