your thoughts of emails my husband makes to his friends about me

[forevermaple]

I am hoping to get others' opinions of what my husband says about me in his emails to his friends, which I find hurtful. A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me. Immediately after returning I figured out that someone had been over when I was away and after confronting him he still kept quiet. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I checked his emails and found a whole bunch of negative emails about me. So, secret "friend" and babysitting for her while I was away aside for a bit (but I would love to hear comments on that), I just want to focus on these emails, which he thinks are not hurtful. Any opinions, even contrary to what you think I want to hear, are appreciated. I will give you my interpretation, but please be honest if you agree or not.

1. I worked my butt off on an application for a $80K grant related to my work. Unfortunately, the grant agency turned me down. My husband emailed several of his friends behind my back and told them I didn't get it. His exact words were: "she got the letter and it was a big fat no." - I am hurt that he is broadcasting my unsuccessful applications to his friends (yes, I have pride). What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful. Also, to describe it as a "big fat no" is to me making it sound like it was a strong rejection...as if the application was really junky. He cannot understand why I feel that way. What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?

2. At one time we had carpet beetles in the house. They will eat anything organic (wool, fur, cotton, cereals, etc). They are very difficult to get rid of. I recognized that we had a problem and we had to work hard to get rid of them. That meant moving furniture away from the walls and vacuuming and spraying the baseboards where they are usually at. We had to inspect every piece of clothing and linens. And we had to act fast because they will multiple like crazy and get all over the house. I could see that he wasn't really believing that the situation was that bad. He hardly helped me. I found emails to his friends really, strongly griping and whining (to say it politely) about all the work we had to do and that he thought we were all fine and in the clear after a little vacuuming. His exact words in a couple of emails was (and italics are his): a) "so we've been vacuuming like crazy and it's beyond exhausting. I think we're fine now, but Sara is incessant about it. It sucks" and b) "...we literally have all the furniture pushed in the middle of the room so we can vacuum the baseboards every single night (cue: eye rolling). Personally, I feel Sara has gone OCD on this but she's my wife and I have to support her." What is noteworthy was that we really were infested with them and he discovered that himself when we found the mother-load of hundreds of them under the appliances and eventually we had to call in the professionals. Also, the email calling me incessant was two days before Valentines day where I got a card that said "thank you for being you. So amazing and incredible." (he forgot to mention "incessant", too). What is your opinion of how he is describing me as being OCD and incessant - especially incessant? It is clear he didn't understand the seriousness of the problem, but that aside the fact that he is complaining to his friends rather than trusting/respecting me and instead is calling me incessant is something I find very hurtful. He cannot accept the fact that incessant is an inherently negative word. Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?

These are just a of couple emails. Some might think it is being oversensitive to spend too much time being hurt by these emails. But isn't it safe to say that these are unkind at best and would be hurtful to most people? And what makes it worse is that these are not just a couple of emails to just get over - these are among years of emails complaining about mostly little things (e.g., the fact that I put Christmas decorations up a few days before Dec1, that I like to tidy the house up before visitors, etc.). Taken together, all these emails are like death by a thousand paper cuts. I look forward to hearing your opinions. Thank you.

So specific questions again:
What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?

In regards to the emails, they sound ‘innocent’ but he’s definitely mocking you. “A big fat no” is quite a spiteful way to put it.

The second email wouldn't really bother me, as I would probably behave as you did with the infestation and become a bit OCD

The first email was very unsupportive and I wouldn't be happy about it at all. It would just make me not tell him about any future applications and I would become very guarded with him.

You no longer trust him physically or emotionally.

He is not your friend, disclose nothing more he hasn't got your back.

He will turn your insecurities against you and send you mad.

Nothing in those emails would bother me.

In the other hand, ud be pissed if if DH read my emails.

The secret friend is a bit more of an issue.

I think he feels a bit jealous of you, and maybe a little inferior. Bitchy emails to his 'friends' discussing your private business is not right.
On the flip you've got bigger issues you need to be looking at as a priority, that is why you're husband is babysitting some other womans child in your home whilst you're out of town!
I think you hold a career that means a lot to you... I think you're thorough, methodical and you like things done properly. Problem is you're husband seems to be finding that all a threat.
If he's badmouthing you to people that's not great. I think there maybe a lot that's gone on behind the scenes, and I think you need to have a bit of a think as to whether you're even on the same wavelength. It doesn't sound like it to be honest.
If he's been playing away, it'll be your fault in his eyes, because your career made him feel left out. So will the business trips, so prepare yourself to have those excuses thrown at you.
On the plus side you've got rid of the bugs!

@HmmSureJan

I'm really surprised at these responses to you OP. He doesn't seem to like you very much does he? "A big fat no" sounds like he's just a bit pleased you didn't get the grant after you'd worked so hard and the multiple emails over years with these faint criticisms, all add up to resenting you I think. He doesn't sound like he has your back at all. He sounds snide and a bit mean spirited towards you. I'd be hurt too. Plus he's a massive liar. You've got a problem here and it's not that you looked through his emails!

I agree with this. He sounds awful and is treating you badly. Snide and mean spirited definitely. And he doesn't like you. I'm also surprised by how many people think this is normal or okay. Just emailing other people about my life and our household - even if it wasn't negative - would be upsetting to my sense of privacy and dignity. It's none of their business! I'd be re-thinking the relationship.

What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
I think that it sounds as though this is his outlet and that he speaks freely with friends. Sometimes that means letting off steam which means a relationship remains harmonious.
However, it's all relative. If he does this with multiple people about the same issue, but for everything, it's then that it muddies the water for me....
Ps the babysitting issue is odd that he had shared nothing with you about this friendship, favour etc. And that raises much bigger issues tbh for me.

Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?
The strict definition of 'incessant' is simply “without ceasing,” and includes no innate negative meaning; however, the word does frequently carry the negative connotation of being irritating. He could have put a Positive spin on it and said you were determined to resolve the issue. But given he never understood the potential of the seriousness of the problem at that point, this probably explains the terminology, because without getting that, your conduct does sound ott...

To me, this sounds as though you have communication issues, you don't, either of you, communicate well with the other.

Trust issues, you re the "friend" and the emails. He potentially doesn't trust himself to be able to discuss these "little things".
Equally, you're hanging on to every last thing which isn't healthy either.
I also wonder whether given you obviously go away for work, whether having space and time apart benefits him....
Tbh, you either need to discuss the bigger issues here or this will all snowball into something much more impactful.

The child is a red herring to cover for a woman being in the house. Babysitting sounds kind and immediately reduces criticism. It is diversionary. It has worked.

Got neighbours who might notice a bit woman coming and going from the house on an evening?
" I was babysitting", preformed excuse to get out of that one

Well I moan about my husband with friends and colleagues at times. It's always fairly light- hearted and I might exaggerate for comic effect. (The irritations I feel are real though - I imagine a lot of people are irritated by their spouse from time to time, surely?)

I wouldn't tend to commit the same sort of moans in writing but that's just me. If he feels the emails are private between him and his friends (as he should) then he should feel free to express himself.

I don't think you should have sneaked behind his back, as it's a betrayal of his trust. But I do think there must be other issues (the secret friend and maybe others you haven't mentioned) that are the real problems here?

But to be honest, my DH would know how I felt about the things I might share with others. And I probably have a good idea of what he might say about me.

Are you shocked because you had no idea of his views of you?

who is this other woman and why on earth is he babysitting for her? He's not 16

Its probably his kid.