your thoughts of emails my husband makes to his friends about me

[forevermaple]

I am hoping to get others' opinions of what my husband says about me in his emails to his friends, which I find hurtful. A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me. Immediately after returning I figured out that someone had been over when I was away and after confronting him he still kept quiet. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I checked his emails and found a whole bunch of negative emails about me. So, secret "friend" and babysitting for her while I was away aside for a bit (but I would love to hear comments on that), I just want to focus on these emails, which he thinks are not hurtful. Any opinions, even contrary to what you think I want to hear, are appreciated. I will give you my interpretation, but please be honest if you agree or not.

1. I worked my butt off on an application for a $80K grant related to my work. Unfortunately, the grant agency turned me down. My husband emailed several of his friends behind my back and told them I didn't get it. His exact words were: "she got the letter and it was a big fat no." - I am hurt that he is broadcasting my unsuccessful applications to his friends (yes, I have pride). What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful. Also, to describe it as a "big fat no" is to me making it sound like it was a strong rejection...as if the application was really junky. He cannot understand why I feel that way. What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?

2. At one time we had carpet beetles in the house. They will eat anything organic (wool, fur, cotton, cereals, etc). They are very difficult to get rid of. I recognized that we had a problem and we had to work hard to get rid of them. That meant moving furniture away from the walls and vacuuming and spraying the baseboards where they are usually at. We had to inspect every piece of clothing and linens. And we had to act fast because they will multiple like crazy and get all over the house. I could see that he wasn't really believing that the situation was that bad. He hardly helped me. I found emails to his friends really, strongly griping and whining (to say it politely) about all the work we had to do and that he thought we were all fine and in the clear after a little vacuuming. His exact words in a couple of emails was (and italics are his): a) "so we've been vacuuming like crazy and it's beyond exhausting. I think we're fine now, but Sara is incessant about it. It sucks" and b) "...we literally have all the furniture pushed in the middle of the room so we can vacuum the baseboards every single night (cue: eye rolling). Personally, I feel Sara has gone OCD on this but she's my wife and I have to support her." What is noteworthy was that we really were infested with them and he discovered that himself when we found the mother-load of hundreds of them under the appliances and eventually we had to call in the professionals. Also, the email calling me incessant was two days before Valentines day where I got a card that said "thank you for being you. So amazing and incredible." (he forgot to mention "incessant", too). What is your opinion of how he is describing me as being OCD and incessant - especially incessant? It is clear he didn't understand the seriousness of the problem, but that aside the fact that he is complaining to his friends rather than trusting/respecting me and instead is calling me incessant is something I find very hurtful. He cannot accept the fact that incessant is an inherently negative word. Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?

These are just a of couple emails. Some might think it is being oversensitive to spend too much time being hurt by these emails. But isn't it safe to say that these are unkind at best and would be hurtful to most people? And what makes it worse is that these are not just a couple of emails to just get over - these are among years of emails complaining about mostly little things (e.g., the fact that I put Christmas decorations up a few days before Dec1, that I like to tidy the house up before visitors, etc.). Taken together, all these emails are like death by a thousand paper cuts. I look forward to hearing your opinions. Thank you.

So specific questions again:
What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?

The emails are fine.

@HmmSureJan

I'm really surprised at these responses to you OP. He doesn't seem to like you very much does he? "A big fat no" sounds like he's just a bit pleased you didn't get the grant after you'd worked so hard and the multiple emails over years with these faint criticisms, all add up to resenting you I think. He doesn't sound like he has your back at all. He sounds snide and a bit mean spirited towards you. I'd be hurt too. Plus he's a massive liar. You've got a problem here and it's not that you looked through his emails!

I agree. The emails aren't awful but they have an unkind tone, as though he doesn't love OP as much as he said in the Valentine's card, and I also wondered if he was mildly pleased about the work rejection. As OP said "death by a thousand paper cuts". I'd be hurt too.

Forget the emails. Why is he babysitting a woman’s child. No man would do that unless his trying to get in her knickers or is already in them

The emails wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Incessant only means never-ending which if you are trying to tackle an infestation then hoovering would be.

Did he actively hide his "secret" friendship or is she just someone that you were not aware of? My DH has lots of casual friends that I don't know or know of. He would only mention that them if something interesting happened (like ending up babysitting).

I think how you view things depends on the overall state of your relationship. If you are generally unhappy you are more likely to look at things negatively.

Emails are not something I would be concerned about. I moan about my DP not doing cleaning properly etc to friends and it's not nasty or malicious? I think the issue is he is close to, or is, having an affair.

It sounds to me from what you've written that you were annoyed with him and decided to read his emails and are now focusing all of your attention on a place it shouldn't be.

You shouldn't have read his emails. You've invaded his privacy. However it's done now and you need to decide how you're going to move forward because at the moment you're going nowhere. I like to moan about my husband to my girlfriends and I'm certain he likes to moan about me to his friends!!!! Weirdly I think I would actually be more hurt if I saw it written down than if j knew he had said it to a person but I suppose I'd only see if it I was snooping! Which I have no right to do.

You either love him and want to make it work: in which case you need to understand that what other people say about you is not your business, and talk to him.

I would be extremely angry if my husband had a secret "friend" who he babysat for and I would not forgive that lie easily.

I think you know your husband is having an affair and you're focusing on the emails and the hurt there rather than the actual problem. Forget the emails. They are not the issue. Deal with true problem which is that your husband is lying to you about who this OW is.

It could be innocent or not. Let him tell you. And then you can make your decision as to whether you trust him or not.

Why would you take your child round to the man you're trying to entice? Doesn't make sense.
Is your DH easily pushed around by ppl OP - do you tell him what to do and how to email his friends?

So 3 things

-the secret babysitting and refusal to talk about it - to me, that was him trying to engage with a younger, single woman
-the "big fat no" comment - he is mocking you

• the other criticisms to his friends - he doesn't like you

I don't know why other posters are making excuses for him. To me, if you're investing your life in someone, you're entitled to full disclosure on what they're like.

The man is a fishwife. Most men aren't gossipy critics. Those that are are generally nasty, hyper-critical buggers. I think he's the type who would be off if he got a better offer. He isn't loyal and I think this whole series of actions would cause so much doubt in my mind that it would probably lead to je ending the relationship.

This man is full of secrets - he's not who you thought he was.

"a big fat no" sounds like he relishes the fact that you didn't get it and weren't good enough. He sounds resentful. Usually you use the term "a big fat no" to turn down a proposition that is really bad.

If my partner didn't get a job or a grant, I certainly wouldn't say to friends: "It was a big fat no".

I'd say something like : "Unfortunately he didn't get it, I think he was unlucky, but he'll keep on applying"

@Kljnmw3459

The emails are fine.

If you think so then you must have very low expectations of the people you allow to be close to you, in particular the person you married who should have your back. We all have a bitch and moan about spouses but emails going back years with constant moans and making something you worked hard on and would have meant a lot to you sound as though it was rejected immediately as it was just so crap is not that.

I think you're afraid to get to the real issue, which the the lady and the babysitting that you're putting all your anger into these emails. Yes, they aren't something you wanted to see (they also weren't intended for you) however I don't think they're terribly awful.
You need to deal with the secret lady friend issue.

They are disrespectful. He is your husband so even if he wants to criticise your bug cleaning efforts, he should say it to you, it broadcast it to friends.

Does he work? He sounds jealous and resentful of you. You’re working your butt off and what’s he doing? How does he have time to babysit?

How old are you both? Kids? Who owns your house? How many friends is he emailing?

I'd find it very weird that my partner was broadcasting our life so negatively to people over email. Very weird thing to do.

I’m guessing you are the sole earner? . Independent. Decision maker. Strong. Competent. He’s gone after this single mum? Why? Because he gets to be in charge, adored, the hero. Having sex with somebody who is subservient gets a lot of men off. They don’t fancy “in charge” women and they don’t like being ordered around (the beetles incident). This is why this is all happening. They want to be king of the castle. You’ve got big problems. He’s ripping you down in the emails to set the seed of why you are the big bastard. He’s driving you away by stealth so when he gets the guts to leave you (probably when this other woman begs him to move in with her) that everyone will be “good on you. She was awful” it’s got a term this behaviour but I can’t remember it. Narcissist discard? Something like that. You need to get your ducks in a row and pull the rug from your next him. Force him out so he feels the full force of his disrespect towards you. Cold sharp shock. How dare he? You’re not a chump. Don’t tolerate this.

OP, his emails show his disrespect towards you. "A fat hard no" is a very bitchy comment. You don't make such a comment about your loving partner. Sounds like, 'Oh, what else did she expect?"

However, your concern should be about the OW.

I understand your concern about the emails. Does he only complain about you or does he also have positive and loving things to say?

Is the child of the other woman his child? Even if it is not his child, I wouldn't be able to tolerate his deceit and his entertaining a woman behind your back in your own home. The home, the marriage, the trust, everything would feel tainted.

The unkind emails and the deceit and disrespect combined would make me LTB.

I’m a bit surprised that people on this thread could find it acceptable that their partner gossips about them that they got a “big fat no” rejection. That is so unkind and unloving - and unneccessary. The hoovering could be seen as too much and getting in the way, yes ok - but why be critical when your partner tries for success in something? Completely agree with those that have questioned his loyalty - I see similarities in the way he talks about you behind your back and the way he has secret arrangements with other women.

He sounds like a bell end. He should be your wingman and supporter, not bad mouthing you to friends.

He'd be my ex if I knew my partner was pulling this shit about me-the other posters might be fine with slander by a partner but I'm no doormat

Well I reckon most of us are guilty of moaning about our partners to our mates. He's been caught out that's all.

But who is this women he is baby sitting for? Why is that a secret from you? Wtf

Who is she??!!

Forget the emails. They're none of your business! He can speak freely, privately.

The OW on the other hand...

I wouldn't be happy about the emails at all - he is a complete Judas in my eyes.

How humiliating for you - but now you know what he says about you behind your back.
The big fat no question - to me that sounds like he is emphasising that perhaps she's (you) are not as great/good/big as she thinks she is.
The babysitting is another matter - why on earth would ANY man do that!!??
I think a lot of deceit has been going on behind your back and you have just come to realise you are married to a resentful and shallow man who is not on your team.

'Big fat no is usually relating to the character of the people refusing being rude, not the quality of the request.'

This.

Also - you worked hard to get the grant; you worked hard to, er, rid the house of beetles. Ok. But it seems like you have cast yourself in the role of grafter. I don't blame him for some (very mild) venting. You sound quite uptight, frankly.

But the babysitting thing is frigging weird. Get to the bottom of that before you preoccupy yourself with minutiae.

Why are the emails even a problem when he’s babysat another woman’s child (that you knew nothing about)?