your thoughts of emails my husband makes to his friends about me

[forevermaple]

I am hoping to get others' opinions of what my husband says about me in his emails to his friends, which I find hurtful. A disclaimer: I only know about these emails after he secretly babysat another woman's child (this woman is single) when I was out of town on business and that "friendship" with this other woman was also a secret to me. Immediately after returning I figured out that someone had been over when I was away and after confronting him he still kept quiet. Since he wasn't going to tell me what happened I checked his emails and found a whole bunch of negative emails about me. So, secret "friend" and babysitting for her while I was away aside for a bit (but I would love to hear comments on that), I just want to focus on these emails, which he thinks are not hurtful. Any opinions, even contrary to what you think I want to hear, are appreciated. I will give you my interpretation, but please be honest if you agree or not.

1. I worked my butt off on an application for a $80K grant related to my work. Unfortunately, the grant agency turned me down. My husband emailed several of his friends behind my back and told them I didn't get it. His exact words were: "she got the letter and it was a big fat no." - I am hurt that he is broadcasting my unsuccessful applications to his friends (yes, I have pride). What is noteworthy is that he never emailed anyone when I was successful. Also, to describe it as a "big fat no" is to me making it sound like it was a strong rejection...as if the application was really junky. He cannot understand why I feel that way. What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?

2. At one time we had carpet beetles in the house. They will eat anything organic (wool, fur, cotton, cereals, etc). They are very difficult to get rid of. I recognized that we had a problem and we had to work hard to get rid of them. That meant moving furniture away from the walls and vacuuming and spraying the baseboards where they are usually at. We had to inspect every piece of clothing and linens. And we had to act fast because they will multiple like crazy and get all over the house. I could see that he wasn't really believing that the situation was that bad. He hardly helped me. I found emails to his friends really, strongly griping and whining (to say it politely) about all the work we had to do and that he thought we were all fine and in the clear after a little vacuuming. His exact words in a couple of emails was (and italics are his): a) "so we've been vacuuming like crazy and it's beyond exhausting. I think we're fine now, but Sara is incessant about it. It sucks" and b) "...we literally have all the furniture pushed in the middle of the room so we can vacuum the baseboards every single night (cue: eye rolling). Personally, I feel Sara has gone OCD on this but she's my wife and I have to support her." What is noteworthy was that we really were infested with them and he discovered that himself when we found the mother-load of hundreds of them under the appliances and eventually we had to call in the professionals. Also, the email calling me incessant was two days before Valentines day where I got a card that said "thank you for being you. So amazing and incredible." (he forgot to mention "incessant", too). What is your opinion of how he is describing me as being OCD and incessant - especially incessant? It is clear he didn't understand the seriousness of the problem, but that aside the fact that he is complaining to his friends rather than trusting/respecting me and instead is calling me incessant is something I find very hurtful. He cannot accept the fact that incessant is an inherently negative word. Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?

These are just a of couple emails. Some might think it is being oversensitive to spend too much time being hurt by these emails. But isn't it safe to say that these are unkind at best and would be hurtful to most people? And what makes it worse is that these are not just a couple of emails to just get over - these are among years of emails complaining about mostly little things (e.g., the fact that I put Christmas decorations up a few days before Dec1, that I like to tidy the house up before visitors, etc.). Taken together, all these emails are like death by a thousand paper cuts. I look forward to hearing your opinions. Thank you.

So specific questions again:
What is your opinion of this generally and more specifically, what is your opinion of what a "big fat no" means?
Is it obvious to you that incessant is meant in a negative way as "she is being annoying/irritating."?

I really don't think there's anything wrong with the emails to be perfectly honest.
"A big fat no" is a very common expression and doesn't imply anything bad about the person on the receiving end.
And what's wrong with being told you were incessant? I don't see that as an insult. As one of the pps mentioned, the email is a bit of a grumble but I don't think it's nasty at all. If anything, I saw it as him pointing out he's a bit lazy and couldn't be arsed, but that his friends should be impressed you kept at it. honestly I don't see the issue.,and I think you're just reading negativity into it.

Why are you obsessing over minor things and ignoring the glaring obvious threat whixh is the woman and her child ??

I think your anxiety was triggered OP legitimately for how he is behaving around his secret baby sitting duties And for some reasons you are shifting your focus to other things.

Is it because you are wanting to look for “evidence” ? You are being gaslighted by him are r you ?

Don’t go down the road of defending yourself as logical.. you shouldn’t need to be put in this position.

You insist that what he did with the other woman is not ok to be in secret and you create this boundary so that you shouldn’t be the one doing all the mental work of guessing what on Earth he is up to.

Address the trust issue in the relationship before it eats up your mental health

Really upset.Husband can be quite negative and cynical and has been over this lockdown. When measures have been announced always negatively comments along the lines of ‘nobody will take any notice anyway’ etc. As an optimistic person I have replied ‘well, I think most people are trying their best, all the people we know are.’ This almost caused a row this week.
He had to go back to London and stay in our flat overnight tonight and he invited an old friend round, they spent all evening together and had dinner.
I was furious, not really about the old friend as he doesn’t go out much, but more about the blatant hypocrisy. I phoned and told him that I felt he was a hypocrite and he went mad. Quoted examples of me going for a walk with a friend (allowed!) etc. Phone was put down and when I tried to call him back, to put things back on an even keel NOT to start again, he didn’t pick up.
CHALLENGE: often when he is like this he can sulk and I jolly him out of it but then am really angry the day after that I’ve had to do this. He has never ever said sorry.
QUESTION- how do I handle this tomorrow morning if he walks in barely talking. (He and his ex wouldn’t talk for weeks)
I insist on resolving things quickly but I’m getting pissed off with this and I’m bloody cross about the whole thing.
ACTION TOMORROW?

Jesus Christ if these emails are offensive my partner would have grounds to murder me if he ever read mine. those emails sound like someone being, if anything, really polite about something which is clearly annoying them?! the big fat no sounds just like a turn of phrase, if anything to convey the feeling you may have felt when you received the rejection? People type casually and freely when emailing friends, I know I do, I don't expect them to be read and psychoanalysed afterwards

Does he have form for being untrustworthy with you in general?

The emails aren't that bad. I'd probably be annoyed like he is. He's letting off steam to his friends. The secret single friend I'd want to know about though. But does it matter? The trust is gone. There's no relationship without it.

Do people not just txt their friends anymore then?

The emails aren't great but we all have a little moan to our friends sometimes don't we?

I'd also be much more concerned about the 'secret friend'. As are you presumably OP, or why else would you be reading his private emails?

Given your post and run, I suspect I was correct.

Emails -meh , but snooping by you -bad
Baby sitting - odd as f, why aren't you more bothered about that?
Priorities seem skewed to me

Do you never moan about him to your friends OP? Never?

You've spent a lot of words complaining about the emails and seem to be ignoring the bigger issue.

Yea, the emails are quite tame really, not a big deal. The babysitting a secret single woman's child however, very suspicious. I'm guessing you are someone who really cares deeply about what others think of you. IDGAF is good on these circumstances, the emails say and prove nothing. Maybe his phone would be a better bet? Not to get all upset about fairly innocuous texts about yourself, more to suss what gives with this woman - it is after all why you looked at the emails, but you seem to have got sidetracked from your original aim.

I think it's weird you're focusing on a few moany emails when he babysat another woman's kid!

@Jenny1951

Really upset.Husband can be quite negative and cynical and has been over this lockdown. When measures have been announced always negatively comments along the lines of ‘nobody will take any notice anyway’ etc. As an optimistic person I have replied ‘well, I think most people are trying their best, all the people we know are.’ This almost caused a row this week. He had to go back to London and stay in our flat overnight tonight and he invited an old friend round, they spent all evening together and had dinner. I was furious, not really about the old friend as he doesn’t go out much, but more about the blatant hypocrisy. I phoned and told him that I felt he was a hypocrite and he went mad. Quoted examples of me going for a walk with a friend (allowed!) etc. Phone was put down and when I tried to call him back, to put things back on an even keel NOT to start again, he didn’t pick up. CHALLENGE: often when he is like this he can sulk and I jolly him out of it but then am really angry the day after that I’ve had to do this. He has never ever said sorry. QUESTION- how do I handle this tomorrow morning if he walks in barely talking. (He and his ex wouldn’t talk for weeks) I insist on resolving things quickly but I’m getting pissed off with this and I’m bloody cross about the whole thing. ACTION TOMORROW?

Did you mean to post here? Or are you the op?

Am not sure how you know the detail about the secret babysitting, as in the op you said you suspected someone else was in the house while you were away, but that when you confronted your dh he 'kept quiet', and didn't tell you what happened. Did you find out from any of the emails you looked at? If not, how do you know about the child?

Do you think he may be living a double life and the child is, in fact, his?

OP, I really do not find anything that horrible in the emails you mention per se. Yes, he is moaning instead of praising, but quite a few people are like this, and they moan about their partners to their friends.
I can infer you are most definitively not like this, and you would not speak in any negative light of your partner with others, out of respect and care for him? But if he is the moaning type, he will do it. So you have to find out if you can come to terms with it.
Anyway, I think you are focusing on the wrong bit here. Why is he not telling you he is babysitting for a friend? That is innocent enough, and nice! At least he was worried due to covid rules? What is the issue here.

I am sorry to say this, but to me you do sound really intense and analytical in your first post, to the extreme. Is the communication with your DH usually good? Or are you having issues with that?

I'm another one who thinks we all have a moan at times, even about the people who are most precious to us.

He has a secret other woman he babysits for and your worried about boring mundane emails?!

You've skimmed over a serious issue to talk about slightly annoying emails!

Sorry op, but this is just batshit. It really is.

Emails aren't really a big deal. No different then him sitting in a pub complaining to his mates.
I would be more concerned with the OW....

I think if you snooped and that’s the worst you found... can’t be that bad. Except that he’s babysitting some kid - what?

I don't see anything too bad in the emails tbh. Just general moaning, stuff that noone would think twice of if said in a convo, but it might seem worse wrote down. The obvious problem is the OW. No idea why the emails are focussed on when thats going on?

@forevermaple

Your husband is having an affair with the woman you mention in your first paragraph, and he doesn't like you. Aand he wasn't 'babysitting her child'. He was shagging her in your bed and playing house with her behind your back.

He is establishing a narrative in which you feature as an obsessive nag and a loser. He is laying the groundwork to leave you and cause his friends to stay loyal to him even though he will be leaving you for the OW you have already identified.

@passthemustard

Why are you focussing on the emails that aren't that bad when he is having an affair?

Good point,well made

Most people talk like this about their loved ones, it doesn’t sound too bad to me. Just friendly letting off steam said with a bit of affection. I don’t get the negative vibe off ‘big fat no’ or ‘incessant‘ like you feel. If he was indifferent to you he just wouldn’t talk about you at all.
I sometimes joke with a friend about my DHs obsession with improvements to our household lighting set-up, he no doubt jokes about my Christmas preparations and my bossiness about putting up the decorations. It’s what couples do, light-hearted moans usually said with affection. The problem is with them written-down - they could sound like criticism, If you were sensitive, I suppose.
The babysitting sounds ok, but being secretive is a bit off. Who is this friend, is it someone you know as well? Do you disapprove of her?

You come across in your post as being a rather intense, insecure, possibly quite neurotic person and I would suggest you are projecting much of that onto your husband's comments. You've alluded to the fact that your pride was hurt in being rejected and that you were the main driver behind resolving the infestation. It seems that you are already resentful about both issues and your husband's comments have simply rubbed salt in the wound.

The comments your husband made in his emails, could in the context of being said directly to you, be deemed somewhat hurtful. However, he specifically didn't direct these comments at you. If he had given you a card using the word incessant, that would have been hurtful, he actively chose to give you a card expressing his love for you, as you are flaws and all.

He is entitled to his feelings and the specificity of their meaning really isn't the issue. Most people criticise their partner/spouse to their friends as an emotional outlet that spares the feelings of the person you love.

You are in a marriage where you clearly don't trust each other and you also make it quite clear you want to exert control over him, by policing his interactions with other people and maybe his thoughts about you. Meanwhile he is apparently having a relationship with another woman. You should try to have a relationship with someone you can trust and respect enough not to read their emails let alone have concerns about the clearly dull and innocuous content.