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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to think? Affair?

386 replies

Boorosie · 23/11/2020 21:47

So, i am in a state of utter confusion. My husbands email was open on joint laptop and i noticed an order placed earlier today with Lovehoney. To be delivered to a different address about 5 miles away tomorrow. We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years so i am 100% sure i am not the intended recipient. All seems.a.bit surreal and i have never for one second beleive my husband capable of infidelity, bit i dont honestly.know wjat else to think.any thoughts other than the glaringly obvious? 😪

OP posts:
Sendhelpplease · 01/02/2021 23:14

There is no way this story is true. If he knew you’d seen something like then he would have spoken to you about it if he had nothing to hide - he was waiting for you to bring it up. Also if innocent - he wouldn’t have changed the passwords. And - he failed to speak about March before you brought it up and he lied to say there were no orders. And what is most alarming is he doesn’t appear to care about what you’ve found or to fix it or how you are feeling!

Notapheasantplucker · 01/02/2021 23:14

Of all the things that never happened..that never happened the most. Blackmail..Hmm I've heard it all now.

user1481840227 · 01/02/2021 23:19

There is no way that that story is true. No way.
You are believing it because you want to believe it, because it's the most implausible story I've ever heard in my life!!

Esspee · 01/02/2021 23:21

How can you believe this utter tosh OP?

fassbendersmistress · 01/02/2021 23:22

In your OP you asked the wise mumsnetters for their thoughts on what he may have been up to.

There were a number of plausible scenarios put forward. Not one, not a single one of them suggested he might be being blackmailed.

You came on here as you were obviously desperate for advice. And I’m so sorry you are in this position. But please, listen!! The blackmail story is utter BS

louise4754 · 01/02/2021 23:23

Forget the affair?? for now. I'd be asking what he's done at work !!!

Surely he would rather admit to an affair than to make something (assuming illegal) up and involve his work and possibly the police.

Tell him you're concerned he may lose his job due to the "incident" then he might admit he made that bit up?

Ludo19 · 01/02/2021 23:24

Listen to the majority OP. Almost all your replies are telling you he is a liar. How you can think his reasoning is plausible is baffling to me but then I'm not in your shoes and there's obviously a reason you want or need to believe him. He's making an utter cunt of you though, sorry but he is.

Naillig222 · 01/02/2021 23:25

Wake up OP. He is lying. And he's not very good at it either.

Also how were you thinking he might be telling the truth when you first confronted him when you had evidence that he was lying?

SamLovesLembasBread · 01/02/2021 23:25

The blackmail story makes no sense at all. It's not even a good lie.

GabsAlot · 01/02/2021 23:27

why keep on lieing if it was about the blackmail though it doesnt make sense

what happened in march nothing-you ordeded things in march-no i didnt

why not say it was when the blackmail started

DNHandTNS · 01/02/2021 23:27

Sorry but I think he's lying too. I think you know he's lying and yet you aren't ready to lose him (understandable as a lifechange is majorly stressful)
In time you might be ready to digest all this and decide if you want an open marriage or to be single. So sorry, but being honest with yourself if the first step Flowers

bellver888 · 01/02/2021 23:29

as another PP said

this story reeks of “it’s not my weed im just looking after it for my mate”

lalafafa · 01/02/2021 23:36

You’re deluded OP

Sparklfairy · 01/02/2021 23:44

stated he never leaves the house.. true!

Except to collect sex toys from the post office of course... Hmm

Don't be a fool. He lied to your face.

tableanadchairs · 01/02/2021 23:48

I am so sorry OP but your DH is a lying piece of garbage. He must think you are really stupid if he thinks you will fall for a story like that.
His excuse actually made me laugh it was so damn funny, blackmail, mistake at work, sex toys and drop of houses.
The plot of a good TV drama.
I am sad that you seem to be taken in by him. He is a liar and not even a good one.
You deserve much more respect than he is giving you

SlightlyJaded · 01/02/2021 23:55

OP. If he was telling the truth, he would have mentioned the March orders with the original confession. Think about it, you'd get it all out and be so relieved you'd want to make sure you'd shared every detail.

It was a bullshit story to begin with - literally one of the worst, most ridiculous lies I've ever heard, and now it's even worse. Utter rubbish and an insult to your intelligence.

We can't tell you what to do, but I would stake my life on the fact that he is lying through his teeth. And I'm pretty sure you know this too.

Imagine for a moment that you knew, one hundred percent, that he was lying.... what would you do?

....Do that.

DumpedWife · 02/02/2021 00:02

He's lying.

I totally get (having just been dumped by my husband of 24 years for a younger woman) that it's very very hard to absorb and acknowledge the truth.
I really couldn't believe it. Something in my brain just would not let me believe it until I saw him walking fdiwn the road with her.
It was a shock but not really, the evidence had been glaring me in the face, but I just could not properly believe or process that.

You must know deep down that what he says is utter bullshit. He's hiding something. See toys ordered for delivery elsewhere can only mean he's getting secure kicks out of it. Whether that's on cM or in person, who knows.

You need to start thinking about what you realistically want for yourself for the future because he's deceiving you on one way or another.

SirVixofVixHall · 02/02/2021 00:12

It is a ridiculous story. He has made the liar’s mistake of making up a stupidly complicated tale that in his mind sounds more believable. As a pp just pointed out, if he was ordering things for a colleague because said colleague didn’t want it on his bank statements, then he would get the things delivered to yours and give them to the colleague at work. The different places ? Very weird. I have no idea what he is doing, but it is not being a victim of blackmail. What is the blackmail bit anyway ?
“ I know all your secrets so you must buy things for me and I, errr, will then give you the money...” the dimmest blackmailer in the country.
WHY would you believe this OP ? It is so silly.

ekidmxcl · 02/02/2021 00:18

I’m sorry op, he’s fed you a fanciful load of bullshit. Work blackmailer my ass. He’s a liar and a cheat. He might as well say a Martian has hacked his email and credit card. Total and utter crap.

ekidmxcl · 02/02/2021 00:19

Blackmail is a crime so I suggest you go to the police if you believe his shit.

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 02/02/2021 00:27

He is lying, I think. Also the classic response of wriggling himself into a victim space so that you are diverted into "mummy" pity mode, instead of anger.

It's quite usual to want to believe it, so you twist yourself into all sorts of corners to do so. Sometimes people don't "see" the truth for years.

freeingNora · 02/02/2021 00:27

Go to the special delivery address and ask them how long they've been having an affair with your husband because you found the receipts for the sex toys. Incidentally dont naively assume certain toys are for women only. Two gay men can make use of most paraphernalia

Then you have to decide if this is your life

Sorry you're going through this

cbt944 · 02/02/2021 00:38

My gut is telling me he's being truthful.

That's not your gut!

Let's see, something like 74% of married men admit to being unfaithful at some point. You're in a currently sexless marriage, for whatever reasons. You've discovered evidence of the purchase of sex toys. Your discovery has been noted by your husband and his passwords and log-in details swiftly changed. He's concocted a ludicrous story to explain the purchase. The only grain of truth in it may be that the other person involved in this, in person or via cam, may have told him to buy the items. You have photographed the since denied earlier sex toy purchases in March. So he's lying there, that's been proven. But 'your gut' says to believe him anyway!

8obbingabout · 02/02/2021 00:39

I am sorry OP but he is 100% lying to you about this. Non of his answers make any sense whatsoever.

I find it hard to believe he would let you think he is having an affair for months instead of telling you the truth which is why I think he is hiding something fairly big.

Its up to you if you can continue in this relationship not ever knowing the truth about this. but please don't let him make you feel like you are in the wrong here

Boonlark · 02/02/2021 00:41

What really stands out to me is that he changed his passwords a couple of days after you first posted about this. That makes me think that he is having an affair and his affair partner is on here, read your thread, and they concocted this story between them.

The story doesn't make sense. Why would a blackmailer ask for something that your dh could blackmail them back with? Why not just ask for money anyway? Why the long gap between two purchases in March, and one in November? Why did he react so strangely when you first brought it up? Why did he lie about the March purchases?

You say there's no time for him to have had an affair? An ex of mine took some half days off work to meet up with his affair partner. I had no idea. Someone who wants to cheat will find the time.