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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to think? Affair?

386 replies

Boorosie · 23/11/2020 21:47

So, i am in a state of utter confusion. My husbands email was open on joint laptop and i noticed an order placed earlier today with Lovehoney. To be delivered to a different address about 5 miles away tomorrow. We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years so i am 100% sure i am not the intended recipient. All seems.a.bit surreal and i have never for one second beleive my husband capable of infidelity, bit i dont honestly.know wjat else to think.any thoughts other than the glaringly obvious? 😪

OP posts:
FuriousWithTheNHS · 02/02/2021 07:15

Given this has been dragging on since November and in spite of all the evidence to show that he's been lying to you since you first contronted him, you still seem to be in a dither about what to believe and what you should do about it.

I have to conclude that your H knows damn well that his story makes no sense but he doesn't really care. He seems quite secure in the knowledge that you aren't going to leave him. You are going to allow yourself to be fobbed off with patronising nonsense for an easy life and he can simply carry on without any real fear of the consequences.

Dozycuntlaters · 02/02/2021 07:42

Bloody hell, it's a bit like being caught with a packet of gags when you're a kid and telling mum you're looking after them for a friend.

I'm sorry OP, I don't believe a word of it, it makes no sense. If this was true why did he not tell you at the time. He said he wasn't doing that in March, you know for a fact he was. If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck it's a duck! And he's quacking big time.

Dozycuntlaters · 02/02/2021 07:42

Packet of fags that should have said!!

Dinocan · 02/02/2021 07:58

10/10 to your husband for making up one of the most ludicrous affair cover stories I’ve ever heard. It’s laughable. Sorry op. Your marriage sounds like there are several issues. I can’t believe you could both creep around each other for months without addressing the fact you’d discovered the orders. Like you said, that would almost hurt as much as the infidelity. He must have known you were doing your head in wondering and he was happy to leave you in limbo for an easy life for him. He sounds like a bit of a shit.

Somethingkindaoooo · 02/02/2021 08:18

Your husband's story makes zero sense.

He probably is sad/ mopey/ scared, but not the work mistake- he's worried his comfy little life will fall apart.

You do know that sex toys are perfectly legal to buy? You can even get them off Amazon.

oohyoudevilyou · 02/02/2021 08:18

Please don't think that he doesn't have time to have an affair: Okay, he may not have opportunity for nights away, or even dinner, foreplay and cuddles in bed... but sex can take less than 5 minutes and is very portable!

PrettyLittleStars · 02/02/2021 08:25

OP another one to say he is lying.
You deserve better than to be treated like this Flowers

DeepFakeQueen · 02/02/2021 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 08:31

I know you want to believe him op, and that’s ok.

But you must know that’s bullshit, a colleague is blackmailing him into ordering sex toys? I mean cmon.

Ishbam · 02/02/2021 08:35

You do know that sex toys are perfectly legal to buy? You can even get them off Amazon.

You can get them in boots, Tesco and Poundland too!

However don’t advise the Poundland ones 🤪

borntohula · 02/02/2021 08:35

He is such a bullshitter.

Smurfymurphy · 02/02/2021 08:38

Someone above said blackmail is an offense. Sit with your husband and say you are going to call the police for advice and take it from there. His reaction to involving the police could speak volumes.

JellybeanMama · 02/02/2021 08:40

Ask to see his emails/texts with the person allegedly ‘blackmailing him’

Ask to see his bank account to see if money has been spent on chalet/hotel stays, webcam vids etc

If he’s got nothing to hide then he won’t say no

You seem to be letting him think this is okay and maybe for the sake of your marriage you do thinks it’s ok. But he is lying to you and will continue to do so and you need to question if you’re happy with that to stay married to him.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/02/2021 08:42

Can you dk some more snooping? Mumsnet seems to know how to snoop, always good advice given here about snooping! Could you maybe find out who owns the house (there must be a way to see who owns houses? Or isn't there?) If so you can see if the owner really is someone he works with?

Pechanga · 02/02/2021 08:47

'I'm being bribed and payment is in sex toys' ...this is the most ludicrous excuse.

Kick him out OP, for cheating and dodgy sex toy purchases ....but also for thinking you're that stupid to believe him!

Wise up OP, find your strength!

Changemaname1 · 02/02/2021 08:49

Oh op I know you really want to believe him but fuck me this is ridiculous

Pinotpleasure · 02/02/2021 08:52

@SmeleanorSmellstrop - to find out the name of the owner of a property you just need to go to www.gov.uk and go to the Land Registry section.

It costs about £3 to get the details of the owner’s name, when they purchased the property and the price they paid for it. Anyone can look this up.

Pinotpleasure · 02/02/2021 08:54

Is this story from the O/P even real? It sounds dodgy to me!

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 08:58

I second calling his bluff about phoning police for advice on blackmail. This really doesn't sound right. First of all why would you blackmail someone into buying sex toys for you? Surely it would be money or something you blackmail people for? It's all very strange and I think he's taking you for a ride, especially if he won't back any of this up with evidence. I'd also throw in that you're enraged at his work colleague and you're going to speak to him directly about this 'blackmail'. See what his face does then.

ErickBroch · 02/02/2021 09:03

Sorry I am just reading this all (I remember your post originally) and I am gobsmacked, beyond belief, that you believe this. I just... can't actually fathom how you think this is true.

LesCuriousCat · 02/02/2021 09:10

OP this isn't a normal or healthy marriage is it? Putting the lack of sex aside, you found out in November and only just felt ready to confront him.

SummerBlondey · 02/02/2021 09:15

My 22 year old daughter wouldn't believe this jackanory explanation.

Think about it. Why would the "blackmailer" need your H to buy his sex toys? Only plausible reason would be so that his wife didn't find out. This gives your H a fantastic revenge option of "Unless you leave me alone, I'm going to tell your wife that you are ordering sex toys through me"

It's such a stupid story and an obvious cover up for whatever he's doing with other women.

No sex for 5 years as well? Come on!

Who took sex off the table?

Original poster
Boorosie · 02/02/2021 09:20

So, I really have no words at the moment. ,if I was reading this, I would think wise up , you're a bloody idiot, it sounds totally ridiculous. And it does! I have never had to fight with myself more than I did last night to understand he IS lying to me...whether he had an affair or not he kept something so important from me, lied when I asked about it, and lied more when I confronted him with more evidence. It does make me think what else hasn't he told me that I don't know about. Of course ,I really want to believe him, we have had 20 years together, and the head is a very powerful tool in this persuasion.
So, this whole sorry story, has instigated , the beginning of the end of our marriage, and I do feel heartbroken( maybe foolishly) , I feel we are about to break daughters ❤. ( and I honestly think thats why I still have a small part of belief in his story)
The advice on here has been invaluable and a massive support at a horrible time, so thankyou.
I will post an update

OP posts:
Fabiofatshaft · 02/02/2021 09:24

: Oi you, yes you..... buy me some sex toys or I’m going to dob you in !!!! :

And don’t start me on about the bloody parrot !!!!

If your well being wasn’t being so negatively impacted, in an alternative reality, it would be fucking hilarious.....

If he’s keeping a straight face while he’s telling you this, give him an Oscar.

Letsrunabath · 02/02/2021 09:29

I’m sure you are in shock and you will be questioning so much about your own ability to judge people. Try hard to be factual and keep communication open this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship, it could be the start of exploring why you both stopped being intimate and where that has lead you both.