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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fucking commitmentphobic bastards.

96 replies

Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 15:09

For the love of God, why are so many men unable commit to a relationship? Why is the thought of spending time exclusively with one person, being reliable and being faithful so terrifying? I'm not asking for marriage or moving in together, but the latest one won't even agree not to see other people.

Why do they all lie, mess you around, stand you up and ghost you? Either that or they're so pathetically needy they really want a mother figure not a partner.

I am so fed up of "relationships" lasting around 3-4 months and then being tossed aside like trash - which is how I feel. I've had this all through my 30s and 40s and it's shit.

Obviously lockdown doesn't help. Current guy has kids every weekend so I wasn't seeing him then anyway. But what is the point if they won't even entertain the idea of something developing?

Just wanted to let off steam, really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 16:01

Anyone? Or is it just me? I'm certainly almost the only person I know not in a long-term relationship, so obviously the deficiency is mine.

OP posts:
Supereager · 22/11/2020 16:02

There is no point. I think avoiding somebody who has complicated baggage is the first good plan. Why is that guy even dating if he’s got his kids every weekend! That makes no sense. Surely nobody is going to want to date somebody who isn’t available at the weekends. You should have chucked him back ages ago. Widen your net and up your boundaries?

FlatScreenTV01 · 22/11/2020 16:07

Don't bother when they have small children and a step Mothers job is always a thankless task. Write a list of what you are wiling to accept and what you're not and rigidly stick to it. No kids, no separated men etc

namechangeforfriday · 22/11/2020 16:07

It’s not just you. I’ve experienced this basically for the last decade that I’ve been dating and my single friends do too. There’s a definite divide between people who seem to effortlessly fall into relationships and the rest of us who don’t. I wish I knew the answer

Mermaidwaves · 22/11/2020 16:12

I'm with you OP its utterly shit! You're seeing them but they are still brazenly active on the dating apps clearly looking for someone better Hmm Or worse, tell you they dont want a relationship with you for months, meet someone else on the apps and then straight away settle down with them and toss you aside Angry Its why I've decided to be single as they all seem to be the bloody same.

Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 16:19

I didn't know at first he had his children every weekend. I also didn't know he wasn't looking for anything serious - in fact his profile said the exact opposite.

I just don't see the point any more. Can't go out, can't see anyone including family, no kids, no prospect of a relationship. It just feels like someone's cruel joke.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 22/11/2020 16:28

Yes their profiles always claim they are looking for a relationship and then after a date or two they suggest 'no strings' Angry this has happened too many times and its beyond a joke. It makes you start to question yourself, as in why do they only see me as good enough for sex? I've come to realise though its them, not us.

Hayeahnobut · 22/11/2020 16:30

Why do they all lie, mess you around, stand you up and ghost you?

They don't all do that. Most of the men I know are in long term relationships, and you say the same about your friends.

Set yourself some standards before you get into something. If young children and the commitments they bring aren't for you, then don't get involved with a father. Work out what works for you, don't stick around in the hope they might change.

Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 16:36

They don't all do that. Most of the men I know are in long term relationships, and you say the same about your friends.

Must just be me who's utterly undesirable and deserves to be treated like crap, then.

Set yourself some standards before you get into something. If young children and the commitments they bring aren't for you, then don't get involved with a father. Work out what works for you, don't stick around in the hope they might change.

This is the first time I've dated someone with children. Previous men without children have been no better.

I've nothing against a man having commitments, but those commitments never seem to involve me. Unless they want sex, of course.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 22/11/2020 16:41

@Nunoftheother I havent found men without children to be better either, both are as bad as each other. Honestly all the men online just seem to want sex only and will lie and lead you on to get it.

Spamspamspamandspam · 22/11/2020 16:43

Same here - it usually gets to around 6 months then they want to move in or fuck off. Not been out with one man in the last ten years who hasn't turned out to be abusive, a cocklodger or a 1-3 (shit) shag wonder. I can count on one hand the really good fun dates I've had and I always pay my way, they frequently can't.

CharlotteRose90 · 22/11/2020 16:46

Christ I thought my twenties were bad for this now I’m in my 30s it’s worse. I get the men or should I say boys wanting sex on a first date or the ones that do 2-3 months then ghost you. They can all fuck off to be honest.

CharlotteRose90 · 22/11/2020 16:48

Or the ones with baggage and by baggage I mean still married but so called separated. Yeah pull the other one

LittlefairyMum · 22/11/2020 16:49

I think you should be feeling guilty towards the new guy you're dating OP
Sounds like you've one foot in and one foot out of your new relationship.
I wouldn't be a bit happy if I was dating someone like you.
Does your new guy know about your relationship with your ex ?

Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 16:50

@namechangeforfriday

It’s not just you. I’ve experienced this basically for the last decade that I’ve been dating and my single friends do too. There’s a definite divide between people who seem to effortlessly fall into relationships and the rest of us who don’t. I wish I knew the answer
Yep, this is the most depressing part. The only people I know who are in successful new relationships are the ones who were single for about five minutes after leaving their previous one.
OP posts:
Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 16:52

@LittlefairyMum

I think you should be feeling guilty towards the new guy you're dating OP Sounds like you've one foot in and one foot out of your new relationship. I wouldn't be a bit happy if I was dating someone like you. Does your new guy know about your relationship with your ex ?
What are you talking about?

Have you got the right thread?

OP posts:
Heyahun · 22/11/2020 16:53

this has literally never happened to me tbh - I think you must be picking the wrong men!!

Most men I know are not like how you described to be honest - loads of them in long term committed relationships -

Do you have a type that you always go for??

msrobot · 22/11/2020 16:54

Yanbu
Also can relate to what pp said:
You're seeing them but they are still brazenly active on the dating apps clearly looking for someone better hmm Or worse, tell you they dont want a relationship with you for months, meet someone else on the apps and then straight away settle down with them and toss you aside

So true. I hate to be overly cynical but I really hate the illusion of choice dating apps give, and many get sucked into thinking they can find someone just a little bit better one swipe away... (but then that person could be thinking the same and so on urgh)

I wish I could meet someone ‘spontaneously’ in real life like the majority of my friends did (e.g., through work / hobbies etc). Just hasn’t happened for me Blush

paintedpanda · 22/11/2020 16:59

I've been in this situation too, OP. It's properly shit and the ones who say "it's not always like that!" are usually the ones who have been in LTRs for 10/20/30 years and haven't dipped their toe in the dating pool for decades.

Online, I mostly found men who implied I wasn't worth talking to unless I was willing to sleep with them, men who didn't want a woman with children despite having kids of their own, men who would keep looking at my profile but never say anything (who I later found out were probably just looking to masturbate over my pictures) or men who were obviously married / in a relationship and just wanted sex. OLD is GRIM beyond belief.

I am so lucky to have found someone who wasn't messing around and who wanted the same things as me, but it certainly wasn't from OLD. It was a set up by his mum, because he was just as disillusioned with dating as I was. And it's all luck. People who are in LTRs aren't "destined" for each other. They're just plain lucky that they meet someone who they like enough.

Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 17:00

this has literally never happened to me tbh - I think you must be picking the wrong men!!

Congratulations. Well done.

Yes, clearly I'm picking the wrong men.

OP posts:
MissMarplesGlove · 22/11/2020 17:02

Or is it just me?

No, it's not you.

I gave up - too many blokes wanting all the benefits of a woman prepared to be devoted. But they just couldn't commit.

I'm hoping they'll all be lonely old men.

SoupDragon · 22/11/2020 17:03

@Supereager

There is no point. I think avoiding somebody who has complicated baggage is the first good plan. Why is that guy even dating if he’s got his kids every weekend! That makes no sense. Surely nobody is going to want to date somebody who isn’t available at the weekends. You should have chucked him back ages ago. Widen your net and up your boundaries?
So, lone parents should never date...
Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 17:08

I'm hoping they'll all be lonely old men.

Yep, I'm sufficiently bitter after being hurt and disappointed dozens of times that this is how I feel.

Although having said that, I've just discovered that a particularly nasty and controlling ex is now married with children, so clearly no karma there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 17:10

Why is that guy even dating if he’s got his kids every weekend!

Because he wants the benefits. Sex, mainly, plus probably someone to cook meals for him and massage his ego.

OP posts:
Spamspamspamandspam · 22/11/2020 17:14

So, lone parents should never date...

Say you work Mon-Fri and have your kids every weekend, then you just have week nights to date. It's not really going anywhere is it? Especially if the other person has a lot more freedom