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Original poster

Fucking commitmentphobic bastards.

96 replies

Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 15:09

For the love of God, why are so many men unable commit to a relationship? Why is the thought of spending time exclusively with one person, being reliable and being faithful so terrifying? I'm not asking for marriage or moving in together, but the latest one won't even agree not to see other people.

Why do they all lie, mess you around, stand you up and ghost you? Either that or they're so pathetically needy they really want a mother figure not a partner.

I am so fed up of "relationships" lasting around 3-4 months and then being tossed aside like trash - which is how I feel. I've had this all through my 30s and 40s and it's shit.

Obviously lockdown doesn't help. Current guy has kids every weekend so I wasn't seeing him then anyway. But what is the point if they won't even entertain the idea of something developing?

Just wanted to let off steam, really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 17:22

@Spamspamspamandspam

So, lone parents should never date...

Say you work Mon-Fri and have your kids every weekend, then you just have week nights to date. It's not really going anywhere is it? Especially if the other person has a lot more freedom

Any man who wants a relationship to progress will find ways of making it work, children or not. If they want to keep someone at arm's length, then childcare provides an excellent excuse while also making them look like a doting father. Win-win.
OP posts:
Ilovegreentomatoes · 22/11/2020 17:27

I could of written your post op and no it's not just you.Online dating is rife for commitment phobic men, men wanting sex, ghosting and entitled man babies.
I'm in my 40s and thought men would mature by then but they don't infact some are worse. I think dating apps have ruined dating for women men who are like kids anyway see it like a sweetie shop and they can choose from all these women.
When I stay of the apps I feel better about myself but then I want to meet someone but don't have any other options.
Not sure what the answer is but its definitely not just you.

DryRoastPeanut · 22/11/2020 17:48

Sorry, not read the full thread but I think it’s because women allow it. If you live with a guy, pay your half of the mortgage and give him two, three or four babies, why on earth would he want to ‘commit’ to you? You are there to care for his offspring, pick up his knickers, send birthday cards to his family and he’s not had to marry you. Who’s the real mug!

Sorry to say it but being an ‘independent woman’ involves more, much more than having a child out of wedlock. I’m old fashioned I know.

BertiesLanding · 22/11/2020 17:51

@namechangeforfriday

It’s not just you. I’ve experienced this basically for the last decade that I’ve been dating and my single friends do too. There’s a definite divide between people who seem to effortlessly fall into relationships and the rest of us who don’t. I wish I knew the answer
This doesn't always apply, but it happens often enough for it to be significant:

Look at your own family of birth and the dynamics between your parents there. Our formative years are not called that for nothing.

Spamspamspamandspam · 22/11/2020 18:00

While there is certainly an element of FOO issue for many people (male and female) there is also the reality that there aren't many men over 40 who have their basic shit together, are single and on my level. Holding out for that of course, but the reality is that there aren't the men out there that are up to it.
Also those great stable relationships my friends have aren't that great. One reason I'm single is I haven't put up with stuff they have over the years.

frozendaisy · 22/11/2020 18:01

If you are not a better person with them then what exactly is anyone doing?
I said this to previous relationships. And the H.

Both me and H are better together. If anyone is making you feel worse tell them this. No more explanation needed but if you want more say "I wouldn't be a better version of myself un-exclusive so it's a no from me but honestly it would have saved us all a lot of time if you put that in your profile first"

Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 18:14

Look at your own family of birth and the dynamics between your parents there. Our formative years are not called that for nothing.

Ok - look at them, spend several years in therapy discussing them, continue to meet a series of commitment-phobic arseholes. Then what?

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 22/11/2020 18:15

Maybe avoid any men with DC.A lot (not all) of divorced men are wary of getting involved again TBH. What about a slightly older chap(not too old obv!) That said you may have just been a bit unlucky there .Some men who have been divorced a while with older DC ,may be more willing to settle down.My DD has had a lot of this shit too .

conduitoffortune · 22/11/2020 18:26

It's really, really not just you.

AnImposter · 22/11/2020 18:33

It's so not you!! I had my absolute fucking fill of these chancers, honestly it's exhausting!!

My last ditch attempt was a reply to a first message of 'Hey' with something along the lines of:

'Look I'm about done messing about on online dating site so unless you're going to give me your surname, so I can google you and find you on facebook, and check you're ACTUALLY single and not a sleaze then don't waste my time' 😂

Reply was 'surname, also I work at xyz, I can show you my driving license, get you a reference or two and if you really want a copy of my bank statement 😂😂

Two years on and we are doing great 😂 sometimes you gotta just put your foot down and not take the vague, wispy, grey area full of excuses. Don't let them walk all over you!! X

Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 18:40

@dottiedodah

Maybe avoid any men with DC.A lot (not all) of divorced men are wary of getting involved again TBH. What about a slightly older chap(not too old obv!) That said you may have just been a bit unlucky there .Some men who have been divorced a while with older DC ,may be more willing to settle down.My DD has had a lot of this shit too .
As I said above, he's the first man I've dated with children.

And he is slightly older - seven years older (although of course he pretended to be only three years older on his profile).

OP posts:
stout · 22/11/2020 18:44

Men who've been divorced / have dc are quite wary. Not all mind as some need to be in a relationship or need the support as they cant look after the kids on their own.

After about 3 months you start to see someones true personality / wants etc and the mask slips. Sensible blokes that have been through divorce are going to think twice about committing if they arent sure. Especially if dc are involved. I suspect that's why you get a lot of this cycle.

Original poster
Nunoftheother · 22/11/2020 18:47

@stout

Men who've been divorced / have dc are quite wary. Not all mind as some need to be in a relationship or need the support as they cant look after the kids on their own.

After about 3 months you start to see someones true personality / wants etc and the mask slips. Sensible blokes that have been through divorce are going to think twice about committing if they arent sure. Especially if dc are involved. I suspect that's why you get a lot of this cycle.

He is the first man I've dated who's divorced.

I guess I just have to accept that I only attract men who are either chancers or mummy's boys.

OP posts:
namechangeforfriday · 22/11/2020 18:57

Like you OP I’ve done the whole examining my upbringing and the resulting years of therapy, identified my own problematic patterns of behaviour and worked really hard at becoming a better person purely for myself, spending a long time not dating at all. I then met someone who seemed genuine, attentive, honest, communicative and aligned with my worldview and goals - and guess what, he did a 360 and ghosted me within a few months, accusing me of being emotionally manipulative because I dared text him asking what was wrong when I hadn’t heard from him for days. How could any amount of therapy and self examination have prevented that?

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2020 19:03

Maybe they just don't want to commit?

I'm female and on dating sites and have no desire to commit. Do I have to? I love being single; slob out in the sofa on my own in big pants when I feel like it, go out and have sex when I feel like it. Etc. What's not to like? I think lots of men who've been in long term relationships in their twenties and thirties, just don't want that anymore. And that's fine.

namechangeforfriday · 22/11/2020 19:08

No of course there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to commit, if you’re up front about that from the start. It’s the ones who make out they DO want to commit, string you along then bugger off that are the problem

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2020 19:11

But, honestly, it's difficult to know how to pitch it. Because...if the perfect bloke came along, I would want to commit.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2020 19:13

The rule of thumb that works best on online dating for me is 'be more bloke'.

Ilovegreentomatoes · 22/11/2020 19:15

How can we be more bloke? Would really appreciate some tips!

sharonJJ55 · 22/11/2020 19:18

Urgh I'm hating OLD. Did it through a lot of my 30's now 41 and it's still as bad. Flaky, fickle and players in abundance! I feel like some men literally just want you to pass the time by spending hours texting and then disappear. Others arrange a date, seem all keen and then don't ever arrange another one or just don't keep in touch. Where are all the emotionally intelligent, fairly solvent, committed men?? I agree it's mainly people in LTR that say there are decent men out there. I've not come across many!

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2020 19:18

Just have a few on the go at once, then if one disappears, it doesn't matter, add another one on. Shag them if you want to shag them. Respond if you want to respond. Don't over invest. Don't dwell. Have other stuff to do.

Spamspamspamandspam · 22/11/2020 19:21

It's not a bad idea. I have male friends that give me enough 'man' in my life to keep it balanced, and someone to have sex with if I want that. Problem is the ones who want casual sex often don't want the woman to be casual as well cos it hurts their feelings.

namechangeforfriday · 22/11/2020 19:22

When I was going on dates (before covid, I haven’t bothered to even download a dating app since March) the “what are you looking for” conversation usually came up pretty early and I’d say I was open to something developing if I met the right person. I also did have a couple of short casual things which fizzled out amicably, no issues there as we both knew the score. But when someone says “yes I’m also open to something with the right person” and spends the next months wooing you with cute gestures, regular contact, planning nice dates and talking about how much they like you, it’s hard not to think wow, yes, maybe this is the right person. So I was emotionally invested, then he freaked out, called me manipulative and ghosted me, and flat out denied that he’d been my boyfriend (he used to literally refer to himself as my boyfriend in conversation). Looking back, his intensity in pursuing me was a red flag but I naively thought he just really liked me.

stout · 22/11/2020 19:23

@namechangeforfriday

No of course there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to commit, if you’re up front about that from the start. It’s the ones who make out they DO want to commit, string you along then bugger off that are the problem
Yes there are blokes like that. But if this is a pattern for someone surely you have to start looking inwardly as to why this keeps happening eppening.

I dated someone like this. She had a lot of relationships a few months long. She was great for about six weeks then her behaviour turned after I (well in my mind at least) had done something innocuous. After that I knew it wasnt going to work although we didn't separate for about another six weeks or so.

sundaytakeaway · 22/11/2020 19:28

OP - I echo that's it just not you. Finding the right one is down to luck. Also, if you want a relationship and the person you are dating doesn't perhaps it's time to part ways? Easier said than done when you catch feelings I know.

@Spamspamspamandspam - I don't know what the FOO issue is but they are a great band GrinSmile

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