Fucking commitmentphobic bastards.

[Nunoftheother]

For the love of God, why are so many men unable commit to a relationship? Why is the thought of spending time exclusively with one person, being reliable and being faithful so terrifying? I'm not asking for marriage or moving in together, but the latest one won't even agree not to see other people.

Why do they all lie, mess you around, stand you up and ghost you? Either that or they're so pathetically needy they really want a mother figure not a partner.

I am so fed up of "relationships" lasting around 3-4 months and then being tossed aside like trash - which is how I feel. I've had this all through my 30s and 40s and it's shit.

Obviously lockdown doesn't help. Current guy has kids every weekend so I wasn't seeing him then anyway. But what is the point if they won't even entertain the idea of something developing?

Just wanted to let off steam, really.

@Nunoftheother Ha, I feel your pain. I separated from my exH in 2013. Did not date at all for two years after an accidental relationship in the immediate aftermath of my separation blew up spectacularly in my face. Since 2015, I have been on and off dating apps all this time. I am attractive, solvent and now in my early 40s (edging towards mid-40s) and a good catch in my opinion... I have had to endure years of comments about me being 'picky' (one ex-boss had a bet on my remarrying within 5 years of my separation and when he did not win, said I was deliberately 'blocking' like I would seriously blow my chance at happiness for a bet, and all sorts...

Dated my fair share of idiots too but also lots of nice guys with no chemistry. I tried to see it all with a bit of humour, hard many times and I would end up crying out of frustration and disappointment... I also second reading that attachment book by Amir Levy, I found it illuminating! I also really believe it's so much luck. It just felt like a neverending round of huddles... And most online dates just end after the first date and I thought, how the f*£k am I ever going to get to actually having a relationship if I can't even get a second/third/fourth date? I really thought I would be single forever.

I decided with a girlfriend of mine that once lockdown eased (the first time), we would go on some socially distanced dates and do our best to meet someone. I actually found for once, men seem to want to date (I guess no one wanted to do lockdown 2.0 on their own). At one stage, I was doing 2-3 dates a week. I was pretty ruthless (and so were the men with me to be fair). I met someone pretty special early on but kept quite a few men going at the same time so I wouldn't over invest... It came down to two in the end and I dumped one for not making time for me to consider a proper relationship (he had a baby and a rather entangled relationship with the ex). Now, I have a boyfriend and we are stupidly in love. I still can't believe it and expecting something bad to happen but so far, so good...

My friend still hasn't met anyone and still seems to be meeting commitment-phobic men but she is getting better at setting her boundaries... She was also not a multi-dater like me and she has come round to my way of thinking - date lots and be quite ruthless. But again, luck comes into play a lot. Equally, our luck could turn and I get ghosted while she meets the love of her life tomorrow. Who knows?

I think you just have to keep on going. In the darkest times, I keep telling myself it just takes one. I spent most of last year dating a man who was not over the death of his girlfriend. Incidentally, my boyfriend and I found out we were at the same gig last year when I was there with the guy from last year still desperately trying to work things out. And I thought how strange, my past and future in the same place and I did not realise it... Just goes to show...

@Alethiometrical

The harsh reality is there aren't many decent single guys in their 40-60s. There are loads of decent single women in that age bracket.

Yup.

Someone said something about demographics upthread:

• men tend to partner/marry "down" - younger, less well-qualified, less well-off
• women tend to partner/marry up
• I think there are 51% women, 49% men in the UK

I think there's also something about the ways men and women are socialised or conditioned into masculinity (don't show your feelings, you don't need love, never be vulnerable) ad femininity (find your value in relationships, you need to be partnered) etc etc.

[NB I say "tend" - don't come at me with "well my DH is 10 years younger & I earn double" - that's one individual experience - i"m talking broad population tendencies]

Hmmm

You could easily counter that if most of the decent men are taken then presumably so are the majority of decent women (with them).

To be honest, look at it from the guy's perspective. Previously (well, it's still the case in a lot of non-Western countries), to get sex, long term companionship and emotional support, he had to commit to a woman. He learned that commitment and receiving all these things were inextricably linked. Now, he can get ALL these things without commitment, plus enjoy the variation of going from woman to woman because women let them do this. Put simply, if you don't want to be used, stop giving men all these benefits without them giving commitment to you.

I hear you sister, hence the username!
Been single for 7 years, thought I met a lovely man in Jan was together for 8 months, then out of the blue he ghosts me haven't heard from him since August. I'm now completely giving up, theres no chance of meeting anyone now with this bloody lockdown, so I guess it's the single life for me.

@Startingoveryetagain - how awful! Do you know if he is OK? Or is he just being a coward?

@Wantchocolate oh he's alive and well, just a coward! I blocked his number but kept him on social media and a few weeks ago he started liking my pictures again I promptly deleted him.

@LilyWater I am loving your advice on all these threads. Pure FDS

Hang on...

If you've been "hurt and disappointed dozens of times" in your life by blokes you've dated then I'd wager you're repeatedly investing far too much in every one of them . Like where are your boundaries and your wish list? Dozen of times? Dozens?! So you've wanted every one of them to commit to you ? And they haven't so you're hurt and disappointed? Time to get a lot more picky.

Not to sound harsh and it goes both ways but ultimately I think it's often because they're just not that into you. If someone thinks you have a lot to offer they will commit.

I don't mean this to sound as unkind as it probably comes across but this is what I've realised now I'm in my late 30s and both men and women do it.

This is another reason why I think online dating is so bad as people will often try and go for people who just aren't suitable for them in real life.

Also can I also ask for those of you who suggest going on lots of dates and be a bit ruthless. How do you find all these men? I rarely swipe right on the apps as I'm just not physically attracted to the vast majority of men on them.

@coronaway

Also can I also ask for those of you who suggest going on lots of dates and be a bit ruthless. How do you find all these men? I rarely swipe right on the apps as I'm just not physically attracted to the vast majority of men on them.

I swiped right based on slight physical attraction and a vague match in interests. Had a rigid list, must have more than 1 pic, must have more than one line, no fish pics, no yoga types, no vegans, no "My kids are my world" "no crazy bitches" etc. The guy I found actually has similar interests but slightly different to me, enough that we can tease each other a bit. I always thought I liked a bad boy, turns out I didn't initially I wasn't blown away physically by him, but now he's the hottest man on the planet in my eyes

Because we let them do it?

If you want an exclusive relationship why do you put up with someone who won't give you that? you need to quickly move on to someone who will and you make your expectations clear from the start.

@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed thanks. I think for me I struggle to muster up the motivation to go on a date unless I fancy them from their pics. In fairness I have tried giving other guys a chance but I know as soon as we meet there won't be a second date. It sounds harsh but it's not really fair on the guy anyway to keep going on dates in the hope that one day you'll find them attractive.

The whole thing is made worse by men whose tactic appears to be to swipe right on everyone. They then just say the right things to go on a date with you before revealing their true character which I think is what the OP is experiencing.

I just want to find a taller version of Bradley Cooper - is that too much to ask for?

@coronaway

I personally think it's hard to judge chemistry by pictures. Of course, physically, you can be attracted to a type but I think you have to be quite open to people that might not look that great on photos but you could have a connection with...

I have often reflected on guys I have dated and honestly, there was ONE guy where the banter was good and the chemistry was great when we met BUT he got really drunk on our first date and it's a story I can laugh at now but at that time, was mortifying...

All the guys I have ended up having some kind of relationship were guys I almost swiped left on...

Guy I dated last year I thought when I first saw his pictures that uh, he was a bit blah but he liked my profile first and I liked his write-up. We had a real connection when we met. We didn't work out for other reasons.

Another guy I dated for a bit earlier this year, his photos were blurry and looked a bit posh in a twat-ish way but he turned out highly intelligent and is a bit camp but we just got along amazingly well and our first date still rates as one of my favourite ever. In the end, we parted because he did not have time for me/relationship due to having a relatively young baby (I'm past that stage!) but no hard feelings.

My current boyfriend whom I am totally in love with, he's of a different nationality (I've always dated English men! Love them!), has an artsy job, is a vegetarian (did not find out till first date) and I only met him because I thought he sounded interesting... We actually slept together on the first date and I thought ONS. But hey, we are now completely in love with each other 5 months later... Who knew? So I would definitely advocate being open-minded though I have also met probably about 15-25 other guys in the last few years where there's just no chemistry...

The book that @mayflowerapplepie recommended is brilliant. Been reading it.

Amir Levine.

Attached

I’m probably what most people would call commitment phobe

I just don’t want a relationship

When I did have the short relationships, it was usually because they were good looking and I was bored.

I never ever promised anyone anything though. Just said casual dating.

I was very clear from the start. I suppose a lot of people are pretending they want long term?

@Requinblanc

Because we let them do it?

If you want an exclusive relationship why do you put up with someone who won't give you that? you need to quickly move on to someone who will and you make your expectations clear from the start.

Yes, this.

I never dated more than one at a time though, what a hassle!

What @Acorn said

@Requinblanc

Because we let them do it?

If you want an exclusive relationship why do you put up with someone who won't give you that? you need to quickly move on to someone who will and you make your expectations clear from the start.

Perhaps because there isn't necessarily a queue of eligible men to "move on to", and after being single and looking for years you might decide that spending the evening/night with someone who is attractive and decent company is better than yet another weekend completely on your own, even if they don't want to commit to a relationship.

Because how long exactly is a person supposed to go without sex or any physical contact without going slightly mad? Even if you have to compromise.

Isn't that the argument men make to visit prostitutes though? Yes it sucks but no-one is owed sex or a relationship.

OP “ Because how long exactly is a person supposed to go without sex or any physical contact without going slightly mad? Even if you have to compromise.”

If that’s your reason for staying in relationships that disappoint you, then that’s your business. No one is owed owed sex or a committed relationship.

Your last post actually answers your question, some men will do what you’re doing but without commitment.