Is my husband overly critical or am I lazy?

[orangesky1]

Gosh I feel like I can't see the wood from the trees and could do with an objective perspective.

We have a 10 month old baby. I went back to work at 6 months for financial reasons. I work full time in a demanding professional role. My husband works 4 days and has one day at home with the baby.

He is thriving. He finishes work every day at 4pm so has time to go to the gym most days. I don't finish until around 6 and also do nursery runs as its near to my work. Im not jealous, that's how our jobs are, but he is constantly criticizing me. For not exercising, for not reading anything intellectual, for not taking care of myself.

I'm drained. Practically I don't have time to go to the gym due to work/nursery hours. I like to run and swim outside but with the daylight hours as they are I can't do this in the week. He says I do have time and I am not that busy I just don't manage my time properly.

I just feel like he niggles at every little thing. I've started doing work in the evenings claiming its urgent as I can't face spending time with him. I want to slob on the sofa watching something trashy but know he will judge. I know this is lazy, am I being self indulgent? I feel like he is too critical, I'm in reasonable shape, I've got a demanding job and a small-ish baby, isn't that enough?

When his body has created an entire human being within the last year, creates food for that baby from his body day and night, works a high pressure job full time with no down time for hobbies and exercise... then he can criticise you.

Christ on a bike, lass, you’re managing more than most.

I'm betting that you are the one that gets up with the baby & sorts everything out before you go to work? My kids are older now, but I remember being at your stage & feeling like I'd done a days work before going to work. That together with a demanding job, which is probably harder due to Covid must be exhausting.
I think rather than listening to your partner you should be giving yourself a huge pat on the back for being a Wonder woman.
If you want to exercise & get out do it at the weekend when your partner can step in. Remember to let him do the housework too

OP I have no husband or child, I only work 4 days a week and I've just spent all morning in bed despite having woken up at 8am.

Because it's my life and thats what I fucking wanted to do with my morning. If anyone, especially a member of my own family, questioned me on it, I'd laugh in their face.

No one can do everything - it is structurally impossible. I found this article quite good at explaining this.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/sep/04/oliver-burkemans-last-column-the-eight-secrets-to-a-fairly-fulfilled-life

He is projecting his insecurity at you. He feel less so needs to pull you down too.

Occupy the sofa with pride. Tell him to do one when he tries to pull you down. Give yourself gold stars if this little squirt can’t bring himself to recognise your (heroic) contribution. He should be kissing your boots not making you feel bad. A little baby, working full time, coping with a blooming pandemic, and keeping everyone afloat financially - this is Mother Courage territory. Screw him and his fragile little ego!

Sorry one more thing - don’t let him control the narrative. You are a hard working mum with a big job doing the best she can for her baby (still breastfeeding at 10 months) and her little family in very difficult times, and you need time to decompress and relax so you have the energy to keep this up. He is not allowed to say you are lazy - do NOT stand for it.

I found Constance Hall on Facebook very good for helping to recognise yourself as a Queen - you are doing amazing things, you are a QUEEN, and if a queen needs to watch telly then that is just part of her majestic requirements. Adjust your crown and carry on.....

'None of my mum friends are working fully time- they are all crafting, baking stunningly decorated cakes, hosting parties, sending thoughtful gifts, in the gym regularly etc.'

What if you simply don't want to do any of this?

Why do you need to justify not doing this?

He is being an absolute pig. How dare he speak to you like that. You went back to work when your baby was 6 months and work full time. You also do the nursery drop and pick up. I think you are amazing. Well done for managing so well. Relax on the sofa when you want to! Put your foot down and don't let him dictate to you what you should be doing.

I think this is kind of a reverse. I think this is actually written by the OP's friend or sister or someone trying to get her to realise that she's objectively doing really well and shouldn't let her partner speak to her like this.

OP, this is your soulmate? I don't think so......

He sounds like a nasty, vile, lazy pig.

10 month old baby.
Breastfeeding.
All night feeds.
Nursery runs.
FT working.

And this prick begrudges you sitting down on the sofa.

He's a complete pig.

How can you accept this?

His bags would be packed.

You need to tell him to STFU or move out.

I would tell him that he’s welcome to constantly strive for better but you’re happy with yourself as you are and want to enjoy the life you have, not spend time always wanting more/better. You’re working hard in a pressured job, you are enjoying time with your baby that you won’t get back - that is plenty! Life isn’t about always wanting more, it’s about enjoying what you have and being present before it’s all over. If your idea of a fun evening is snuggling up on a sofa with some tv, that’s what you should be allowed to do. No one should dictate how another person lives their life so I’d have a serious conversation and tell him what you want and that down time is important to you (like most people). If he doesn’t like that, he can lump it.

Not a reverse and not a wind up! Appreciate all the helpful advice. He is good at giving me time at weekend... Eg yesterday I went for a long sea swim in the morning, then an even longer hot shower to warm up! He looked after baby. I'm not keen to dump baby with him for a whole morning afternoon, as I savor every moment with baby myself, I don't see it as childcare, I love it!

I am keen to give him the time he needs in the gym. We only recently moved here so he doesn't have close friends here- due to covid he hasn't seen his family or close friends in a year, they haven't even met baby. So I don't grudge him some happiness. I think part of the focus on self improvement is to distract himself from missing people, and the low level covid / winter depression.

I have started a challenge to do 100 burpees a day. This is easier to fit in than actually going to the gym. I did it yesterday while waiting for dinner to cook and it's not that bad!

He bought me a book- he genuinely thinks I will enjoy it. Not so sure, but I will give it a couple of page a day.

I am also going to start wfh on a Friday and then he will do nursery pick up that day, and we can invite friends over for dinner (as I will have had time to prep in gaps between work). (No covid restrictions where we are).

On this basis he will not grudge me chilling on sofa- last night we watched a film with the fire on and a glass of wine after baby was in bed, guilt free as had exercised, seen friends, done housework. I get what he's saying- it's more enjoyable when you feel it's earned, rather than just nightly habit.

So you're both inviting friends over for dinner but you're doing all the prep work

At the end of the day OP it's your life and your decision. Personally I wouldn't be happy with your set up but if you are then it's all fine and dandy (but why did you start the thread...?)

I hope your husband realises how lucky he is!

@whatwouldyoudo85 haha yes agree it's odd that I started the thread. I think I started it at the end of last week when I was exhausted. It's a bit of a pattern. I recharge over the weekend and start each week full of good promises and motivation and enthusiasm. And it just ebbs out of me during the week, and by the end of the week I'm down in the dumps, tired and lazy. I think its a question of how to keep the weekend/Monday energy and motivation throughout the working week.

So the solution to your tiredness and unhappiness is :

1. Giving him more time in the gym

1. Doing more fitness exercises at home, as he asked

1. Reading the book that he asked you to read

1. Working at home on a Friday so you can prepare for a dinner party while you are working ( I’m sure your employer will be delighted with this idea)

1. Have friends over for the weekly dinner party . I find this confusing as you say he doesn't have friends where you live and hasn’t seen any for a year because of Covid, although there are no restrictions where you are.

And once you have carried out all these things - on top of your full time job and caring for your baby - you will have “ earned “ the right to enjoy a glass of wine and a film

Yes indeed that all sounds totally reasonable. In fact I think you could fit in some ironing during the adverts . When you are not doing burpees.

And one glass of wine every week seems excessive. What about having one glass a month?

If you watched a box set instead of a film you could cut it down to just 45 - 60 mins, rather than wasting a whole 90 mins once a week. Don’t you feel that 90 mins relaxation once a week is a bit lazy ?

How many hours would you have to work to earn a box set instead of a whole movie ? What about

75 burpees daily
two thirds of a dinner party
a half day doing housework when you are supposed to be WFH
One prescribed text a fortnight

What I noticed is why is having a glass of wine and chilling on the sofa have to be guilt free?

This is all very odd.

All your posts write like you should be grateful he does things in the house and childcare like he's not a parent too??

God I couldn’t live with your mindset you will drive yourself mad! It’s like you are trying to be “good” for teacher or something. It’s quite weird actually.

A working week is not earning your wine. You have to do more

Sorry to be sarky but does he give you a reward chart too??

A gold star for every self improvement.

This has made me so angry. He should pick DC up from nursery at 4pm instead of going the gym. Wtf. I work in childcare and there's no way I would want my little one at 10 months spending anymore time at nursery than necessary. But you've got to finish work at 6pm, pick baba up then probs come home bath baby do tea etc. Why is it always down to mum. Just had this argument with DH as I'm due back to work after Christmas. Infuriating.

When you become a parent, you BOTH have to sacrifice a few things, at least in the short term. What has he given up/changed now he's a dad? You have a lot on your shoulders already and now he wants to put exercise and reading at the top of your list?
These are not really your priorities right now, and they shouldn't be his. If works with you and shares the load, you may both be able to do what you enjoy. But don't feel that has to be exercise etc if you don't want to do it. Lying on the sofa watching a Christmas movie will do you just as much good!

You'll also find that once your self esteem isn't being knocked by passive aggressive comments on how you can improve for him, you will naturally want to do things anyway. For you. Not when someone tells you.
And it can be a book of your choice.

He is being ridiculous. I think you need to stand up for yourself and say “I am tired, I need to lay down and decompress, now kindly fuck off.”

Umm why hasn’t he attached the bike trailer for you if he’s so caring? Surely he can find the time in between gym sessions? And of course he bloody well cooks every night, stop feeling grateful. You do every pick up and drop off!

Dh and I work full time with a 2yo and a 5yo in busy jobs,
We earn similar. If he thought I should do all drop off and pick ups he'd be packing his bags. I work from home at the moment. I sometimes do a little housework, but I commit to nothing and I don’t prep dinner parties. Dh does pick up, boys come in and say hi and I keep working while he preps dinners most nights.
The biggest lesson for me in having children was if I carry the load for something and find dh doesn’t appreciate that, drop that load like a lead balloon. I don’t organise holidays anymore, I don’t do all the Xmas presents, I don’t do solo catch ups with mil (happy to in theory but life is very busy and I need to see my parents), I don’t do meal plans most weeks, I don’t do lots of things. I live with an adult who is my childrens father and he can do those things too

Oh dear.... the update