Is my husband overly critical or am I lazy?

[orangesky1]

Gosh I feel like I can't see the wood from the trees and could do with an objective perspective.

We have a 10 month old baby. I went back to work at 6 months for financial reasons. I work full time in a demanding professional role. My husband works 4 days and has one day at home with the baby.

He is thriving. He finishes work every day at 4pm so has time to go to the gym most days. I don't finish until around 6 and also do nursery runs as its near to my work. Im not jealous, that's how our jobs are, but he is constantly criticizing me. For not exercising, for not reading anything intellectual, for not taking care of myself.

I'm drained. Practically I don't have time to go to the gym due to work/nursery hours. I like to run and swim outside but with the daylight hours as they are I can't do this in the week. He says I do have time and I am not that busy I just don't manage my time properly.

I just feel like he niggles at every little thing. I've started doing work in the evenings claiming its urgent as I can't face spending time with him. I want to slob on the sofa watching something trashy but know he will judge. I know this is lazy, am I being self indulgent? I feel like he is too critical, I'm in reasonable shape, I've got a demanding job and a small-ish baby, isn't that enough?

What a prick. He gets to spend one day a week on his own in the house and dares give you grief? If I was you, I’d be tempted to drop work hours too.

Tell him he needs to self improvement by actually being a decent and supportive partner. I’m sure there are a few books he could read on this.

I have a similar aged child and a FT professional job. I also went back after 6 months. I do not run/swim/anything else. I try and fit in time for some reading, but for whatever I want to read. My DH does 50% of all pick ups/drop offs/housework etc. I am still exhausted. Last night we ordered a takeaway and crashed in front of rubbish tv with a bottle of wine. We're a team. I do what I can, but don't consider myself lazy because I just don't have enough hours in the day.

He sounds awful. I also feel sorry for your baby having to stay so late at nursery when DH could pick up.

I would look at using a nursery nearer home - a childminder could be better. Then he can take responsibility for pick ups about 4.30. Surely if it's near home then you can drop off on your way to work?

Can you drop to 4 day week?

You should be able to relax in your own home and watch Netflix etc. I doubt many people are reading intellectual books while working FT with a small baby. You also presumably want to spend time with baby when you get home?

@EarthSight has the right idea here. You need to operate from a position of strength. Sir OH down and tell him how you feel. Lay it on the line for him. 'When you tell me I am lazy and have to go to the gym, it makes me feel...' Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not going to be doing it, that he needs to stop, and that you will be spending your evenings on the couch watching Netflix. Point out that you are an adult, with needs and choices, and that he can't make decisions on your behalf. Repeat ad infinitum, until he stops doing it!

My DP has gone on a self-improvement drive - gym diet, working really hard at it, and has made enormous strides.

I really haven't, because while he's eating his chicken and rice for every meal, and spending 3 hours going to the gym most days, I'm doing my job, cooking most of the kids meals (he does cook for the kids too), and generally keeping everything running in the house. I'm happy to support him so he can dedicate himself to it (we're both in our 40s, so now is the time - he works full time too) for a while.

But I would not take any criticism that I should be able to do similar! If he even tried that I'd just walk out of the house for a couple of hours 5 times a week like he does, and leave him to figure out how he's getting to the gym and looking after the kids and taking them to school etc. It would only take me doing it once, and we would sit down and figure out a timetable, which would inevitably mean he would have to compromise.

So could you consider that? Just calling one day (his day off perhaps) and having him do the drop off/pickup so you can go to the gym. Sit down with him with a day planner and say you want to do some fitness (even if you don't and you just want to go and read a book in a cafe), so we need to timetable when he's going to pull his weight with childcare and pickups.

Resting isn't lazy and partners worth keeping don't nag.

*he is constantly criticizing me. For not exercising, for not reading anything intellectual, for not taking care of myself.

What's his actual problem? You're fat? You're thick? You're a mess? Ask him straight out what he needs you to change about yourself, and why. Not that you should take any notice, fuck that. But to put him on the spot about the implicit message he's trying to get across to you. You could also say to him 'Why do you need me to x, y or z?'

Make him answer for his criticisms. Make him explain them, go into detail. What he's doing is passive aggressive crap, with the aim of making you feel rubbish about yourself. I would leave, but if you don't want to do that, definitely put him on the spot about what he's actually saying when he tells you you're lazy.

If nothing else, you'll be so horrified by his answers that it will be the catalyst for your departure.

Your description is the same as my life 9 years ago, now am full of resentment towards him and making plans to go it alone, either makes changes and make him stick to them or leave the relationship, x

I'm going against the grain here. What sounds like nagging or being critical to me sounds like concern that you are losing your sense of self and purpose.

What were you like before you had DC? Were you in the gym and doing things more frequently etc? What do you do with your evenings? Surely DC goes to bed at a time to give you some time in the evenings to yourself.

Things I would suggest are if he finishes at 4pm, he can do the nursery pick ups. Especially if you do the drop offs. He can make tea ready for when you get home in the evenings. Do you alternate putting DC to bed between you both? Then you will have time.

It is too easy after having DC to lose your sense of self and shoulder everything on your own. I know, I did it for five years. But take this opportunity to carve out time for yourself and make sure he shoulders some of the responsibilities.

Suggest if you both have some days off together

Leave baby with him for some hours
Go out of house
Sleep
Walk
Read
Do something you enjoy
Have some down time to yourself

Do this now, so that this is the norm

If he is home earlier than you, he should be cooking some meals, cleaning, household chores, as well as some of his own downtime

Has his normal routine changed at all since baby ?

Sounds like he needs to criticize less
And
Help more - team work

People who are 'super into self-improvement' are usually self-absorbed twats.

He's really leaving his baby in nursery an extra two hours so he can go to the gym every day, that tells you what kind of person he is.

I see a lot of posters recommend the OP fixes this rather than her criticising husband stop criticising.

Usually the way isn't it , the woman is doing her damn best and juggling everything but she still has to fix things rather than her partner step up and be supportive.
If he's not happy with your life, why isn't he changing things, like his hours , attitude etc

Do you earn more than him OP? It really does sound like he's insecure and chipping away at your self esteem.
Where is his self improvement?

What were you like before you had DC? Were you in the gym and doing things more frequently etc? What do you do with your evenings? Surely DC goes to bed at a time to give you some time in the evenings to yourself

Ha ha, that made me laugh !! What do you do in the evenings ? Well let me guess.

She finishes work at 6, picks up child from nursery and gets home at 7.

She feeds child, bathes them and puts into PJs. Maybe puts child to bed. It’s now 8pm.

Then sorts out her work things, makes dinner for herself and Mr Self Improvement. Tidies up the kitchen, loads and unloads the dishwasher, makes notes of things to buy in online food shop. It’s now 9pm.

She puts in some laundry on a quick cycle and goes to do some work, check emails etc. Tidies up some things around the house. Irons some work clothes for tomorrow. Packs child’s nursery bag for the morning. Pay the house insurance online.

At 9:45 she puts washing into the tumble drier and sits down with a cup of coffee to watch TV / MN for 30 mins. 10:15 she hangs out laundry.

It’s now 10:30 and she collapses into bed.

So yes, as you can see, she has LOADS of free time to do Pilates and learn Mandarin .

This is why my ex husband is an ex

It's really concerning that you feel you need to lie to him rather than tell him to mind his own business.
He needs to start collecting your baby twice a week.
He sounds a total dick who's trying to keep you down. Don't let him!

He is super into self improvement

Could you mention to him that he could improve himself in the relationship by being a less critical partner?

Is he perfect, by the way? Or does he have faults?

On another note, does he want you to fail in some way? Is he saying these things knowing you can't possibly do them?
And then watches you try to while all the time doing nothing to help you?
Men like that are insecure and threatened by strong women.
If he wanted to help you, he would change his lifestyle. You are a family.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job juggling motherhood and work, totally ok to veg out on the sofa in the evening!
Your DH is being an idiot , He doesn't realise how exhausted you feel because he isnt physically doing as much as you and mums often carry more of the emotional load too.
Does he look after DD on the day he doesnt work? Can pick her up from.nursery instead? at least for half of the week or perhaps find a nursery nearer to him, if he is working shorter hours it makes sense for him to do pick up. Try and find time for yourself at the weekend and leave DD with him for a morning or an afternoon. But be kind to yourself, dont let him make you feel crap.

Thank you all for the responses.

It's helpful to get an objective view... I don't feel lazy but I also know I could be doing more. So perhaps there is some guilt there.

To answer some questions:

1. Yes I earn quite a bit more than DH. Around 4x. I have a professional office job and to due to time zones I'm often online at odd times and I never really fully switch off. He leaves his job behind him at the end of the day, no work phone!

1. We can't afford for me to go part time- would love to do a 4 day week but would not be financially viable and would not fit well with my type of work anyway.

1. He is good around the house. When I initially went back to work, I was doing too much- 90% cooking and mental load etc. we had several discussions and we have eventually cracked it and he is now making the shopping list, meal planning etc. I am still involved but he does the bulk of it and cooking now, which is really helpful. He is reliable- when he says he will do something he will follow through.

1. I am breastfeeding and do morning and night feeds (formula during the day). So I do all wake ups and bedtimes. My goal is to get to 1 year, and DH is happy either way. Perhaps I should reassess this, as I think this is a huge time drain but I consider it bonding time with my baby, especially as I work 5 days a week I think it's important to connect every day. For me this comes before fitness, hobbies etc as it is temporary. Plenty of time to get back into these things but I won't get this special time with baby back.

The whole self improvement thing. I don't think he's doing it in a consciously bad way, he wants me to 'be the best I can be for myself'.

I don't know, I just don't seem to have the energy for it. He seems so much more on top of things - now he's doing the meal planning and cooking we are eating great, tasty healthy meals and he seems to enjoy it and not get stressed by it. All the things I struggle with he finds easy. It's making me question myself, why on earth do I find these things so hard, when he seems to take them in his stride?

I used to work a far more demanding job (regular finishes in the early hours), and in those days I really did make the most of every spare moment. Squeezing socialising, fitness etc. I bought a trailer for my bike so I could cycle the 4 miles to nursery instead of drive to get a bit of fitness in that way, but I just haven't had the energy to figure out how to connect it to my bike and then take it for a weekend test ride with baby (between naps and meals and commitments I never seem to find the time!)

I do love being active. I don't think he is nagging me to be cruel. I am only 2kg over my pre-pregnancy weight and back most of my old clothes. I just love fitness. But hate the gym, I'm active outdoors. It was great in the summer but I am struggling.

I suppose I probably am making excuses now I look at this list. Perhaps it's a bit of both. I keep telling myself it's fine, there'll be time to get back on top of things in the coming months, whereas maybe he is seeing this as the start of a decline.

As every a conversation will probably help. As always thank you ladies for the advice.

To all the questions you asked yourself in the above post OP.....
BECAUSE YOU HAVE A BABY.
Things change.
He can take it in his stride because he's working 4 days and he's not breast feeding or had his body go through pregnancy or birth!!!
Why are you being so hard on yourself?
You're bloody amazing.

Self improvement and being the best you can be for yourself come from inside you. Not from being nagged.

If he's pressuring you into being the best you for you, he's really got no idea. You'll need to explain the basics to him.

And you make it sound like him doing the cooking is a big 'help'
It's not help, it looking after his family. And he has the time! A mother does that and it's just seen as normal.

IMO no mother with a full time job and a baby could ever be described as lazy.

It seems also, in your point 3, that you had to instigate the solving of the problem of the balance of housework.

Would he just have continued as things were, had you not triggered the change?

It seems that he's not very aware of your time and needs.