Is my husband overly critical or am I lazy?

[orangesky1]

Gosh I feel like I can't see the wood from the trees and could do with an objective perspective.

We have a 10 month old baby. I went back to work at 6 months for financial reasons. I work full time in a demanding professional role. My husband works 4 days and has one day at home with the baby.

He is thriving. He finishes work every day at 4pm so has time to go to the gym most days. I don't finish until around 6 and also do nursery runs as its near to my work. Im not jealous, that's how our jobs are, but he is constantly criticizing me. For not exercising, for not reading anything intellectual, for not taking care of myself.

I'm drained. Practically I don't have time to go to the gym due to work/nursery hours. I like to run and swim outside but with the daylight hours as they are I can't do this in the week. He says I do have time and I am not that busy I just don't manage my time properly.

I just feel like he niggles at every little thing. I've started doing work in the evenings claiming its urgent as I can't face spending time with him. I want to slob on the sofa watching something trashy but know he will judge. I know this is lazy, am I being self indulgent? I feel like he is too critical, I'm in reasonable shape, I've got a demanding job and a small-ish baby, isn't that enough?

Wow. Of course you're not being unreasonable. You have a full time job and a 10 month old, most people are exhausted with just one of those things!

And unless you've piled on an absolute shit tonne of weight to the point where you look like a different person and have health issues that worry him then it's none of his fucking business what you do to chill out. And even then I'd expect it to be broached kindly with your best interests at heart. How dare he suggest that you should be going to the gym, just because he is into self improvement - the key word there is self, it's not supposed to be extended to others.

I'd be tempted to say that you agree with him and you're glad he is so supportive of trying to buy you some extra time, and expect him to do all the housework and home admin and cooking and childcare so you can come home and have a couple of hours to yourself to chill out and exercise, read suitably intellectual material and improve your body and mind every night.

Seriously he sounds very critical and controlling. What's it to him what you read? Why is he arguing with you about how many meetings and calls you have in a day? Something has gone seriously wrong here for him to a. Care b. Actually tell you what to do c. Tell you in a horrible criticising way rather than encourage you to do something that would make you happy and d. Be doing all this when you have a baby and a full time job which is already more than most women take on

Husband aside. Is it not possible to renegotiate things so you are not as exhausted? You could perhaps with discipline put things in place to have breaks at work (a walk or sit on a bench and read a book or phone a friend-not saying gym) or surely in the covid age you could renegotiate at least one day wfh per week to ease things slightly for yourself and cut the commute etc.

You sound comfortable with yourself and he does not. He doesn't know what it feels like to be comfortable and at peace so cant relate to your lack of motivation for things he places value on.

Its also really common to lose your mojo for a while after having a baby. It will come back as they get older. Some
Weeks/months are about survival x

Say you need to drop to 4 days as well.

If you had two hours to yourself every day after work you’d be thriving too. What a twat he is.

When my baby was 10m old I was still sleep deprived, eating cake and chocolate every afternoon to stay awake, and very much not having time to do anything for myself, let alone read or exercise.

My husband was hugely supportive. Didn’t judge when I suggested pizza again for dinner, listened to my chat about the baby and what my mum friends were up to. I felt dull, in poor shape with brittle hair, awful skin and clothes that were baggy or too small, yet he always made me feel like I was doing the most important job in the world with our son and told me I was beautiful. Your husband doesn’t know how good he’s got it.

Well, he’ll be happy to mind the baby for you at weekends to make sure you have the same amount of free time as him, then, won’t he?

Speaking as a fellow owner of a 10 month old - he is being very unreasonable and you are doing great (I’m not even back at work yet!).

I do think men are better at pacing themselves at work than women. The men in my life have always worked, and have a strong work ethic, but never seem to have been in jobs that have been anywhere as busy as the ones I’ve done. I do find that people who have never been genuinely overworked struggle to understand the concept...

Lazy little pig only works 4 days and finishes at 4pm! Who the F does he think he is to criticise! He didnt even create your child, which your body only finished 10 months ago. How dare he criticise you from such a pathetic position. Id be struggling not to spit on him.

Here's the thing, from now on, he does the nursery pick ups.

You drop the baby off,he pick the baby up,unless there's some kind of emergency.

In the meantime he can get dinner sorted,do laundry etc.

When you get home he can keep looking after the baby while you "self improve" with a book.. IN THE BATH!

Oh and his next goal in self improving can be being a better parent and there for his baby.

Ofc he's big on self improvement, he gets the free time, he gets to check out of responsibilities at home and the cherry on the shit cake he gets to lord it over you too.

Oh god op. He sounds fucking awful. Tbh I think with a young child any kind of demanding role plus keeping yourself and child alive is an achievement. Was he always a pain in the arse?

Both me and my partner are developing out careers and have interests but ffs life is hard I need to relax with a box set. What's the point of life if you're always trying to make better? It feels deeply insecure. How's the rest of the relationship?

Is this a new thing? Or has he always been this way?
I might be totally wrong but are you the bigger earner? For some reason when I read your post, he just sounds like somebody who is insecure and actually trying to make himself feel better.
It’s not on though. Would you speak to him like he is speaking to you? Think about that and consider why he thinks it’s okay to be unkind to you.
I’d be telling him he’s a bit of a prick.

You are not lazy...he is a knob!

If he finishes at 4 it’s presumably unlikely that he doesn’t have time in 2 hrs to do pick up? He needs to do it twice a week so you can have some free time. Nope, partnerships should be equal. If you do every drop off he needs to do every pick up. Him finishing early allows him to do so.

You're not lazy and you're more than entitled to slob out in the sofa. Working full time with a small child is relentless. I adored the few hours I had to myself after I gut dc to sleep on an evening.

Do you actually want to go to the gym op? It's great he's into self improvement, but he shouldn't be pushing this into you if you don't want to. As I said above, do you actually want to go to the gym? If you do, then he picks your dc up 2 nights a week and is responsible for dinner etc. Sounds like he has an extra 2 hrs to himself each day but doesn't offer you the same

He is Horrible!!! so he stops work at 4pm, and only works 4 days a week, whilst you work full time and do all the nursery drop offs and pick ups and probably don't get home much before 7pm? And he criticises everything you do to the point you don't know if you are being unreasonable??

1. why are you working to pay for an extra 2 hours of nursery.
2. who cooks dinner?
3. who gets up in the middle of the night for baby?
4. why are you not allowed time off? He is allowed time off and gym time. Seriously, he's got you doubting yourself so much. You really shouldn't have to live like this. How undermining. Its supposed to be 50 50 and even if he did that, his attitude is appalling. Its actually bullying.
   Get some support to help you learn to stand up to him. You deserve better

[quote orangesky1]@rosegoldivy this is genius! Yes. I don't really have time as I always have calls/meetings. He insists that I'm making it up and that I'm actually not that busy. But yes, this would perhaps get him off my back a bit! Great idea![/quote]
I think you need to sit down with him and a serious conversation. Why is he saying these things to you? Is it because he enjoys managing you, or is he unable or unwilling to communicate how his current needs aren't met? That he feels like you don't have any in depth conversation anymore, and that it's all small talk, practical every day stuff, and that he is not feeling sexually attracted to you?

I'm not saying his needs are reasonable or fair on you, just trying to guess what they are. That is the generous interpretation anyway. The other interpretation is that he's controlling, and like I said, enjoys managing you. That is really not good. You need to sit down with him. Tell him that you feel devalued when he makes such comments. Operate from a position of strength, not guilt or weakness - don't make excuses, don't lie and say you're doing things when you're not. That really doesn't get to the heart of the matter. It's just evasion and leaves unwanted behaviour unchallenged. You have nothing to hide here and shouldn't have to resort to doing that to get him off your back. Show him very seriously where the line is, and that he's crossing it.

Sorry to be blunt OP but he’s a dick. Please don’t tolerate this - a full time job with a 10 month old is shattering. He should be making your life easier by removing obstacles to you getting more rest i.e. pull his fucking weight and do all the pick ups. What a pathetic little man. Sounds like he’s trying to big himself up by belittling you, how nasty.

I'd love to come over and kick him square in the bollocks, how DARE he.

He's the lazy one and he isn't a man, why isn't he working harder to support his family.

My job isn't physically demanding. I have a 20 month old. I haven't been to the gym in years.

If you're lazy, then I don't want to know what he'd think of me.

I'd be telling him to piss off.

Sharing things out in the most practical way- fine

One partner picking up more work- with good reason and as long as appreciated- fine. Give and take etc

Being worn out with working FT and having young child- normal

I don't understand why he's making these comments. You say you returned after 6 months for financial reasons and it's a professional job so why does he tell you he thinks you don't do anything all day? Why would they bother employing you/ paying you if you weren't doing anything?

Self improvement is great if you feel like it. But it's for yourself. Clues in the name!

Your desire to slump out is totally normal and more than that it's probably what you need. Mentally and physically tired.

Have you asked him why it bothers him? I mean he can do him, you're not stopping him.

What sort of things do you do at weekend, if you are both in jobs where you are free then? Just out of interest.

You have a young baby, it’s winter and it’s lockdown....

Is there any chance he has low self esteem and is projecting on you? You mentioned he’s really into self improvement. Possible he’s actually beating himself up at the moment? My DP does this and it’s awful! But it’s almost always not because of something I’m doing / not doing and everything to do with him

*Here's the thing, from now on, he does the nursery pick ups.

You drop the baby off,he pick the baby up,unless there's some kind of emergency.

In the meantime he can get dinner sorted,do laundry etc.
When you get home he can keep looking after the baby while you "self improve" with a book.. IN THE BATH! *

This, This, This !!!

Being criticized all the time and undermined in your life choices isn't a trivial matter, John Gottman the relationship expert labels it as one of the four things that if they are left to run riot, will end up in divorce. No-one wants to feel wanting all the time. My husband used to be quite critical on occasions, as well as very supportive, and that was the one thing I thought would make me leave him. I can't stand anyone (men in particular) telling me how to live, when I lived just fine for the preceding 30 years. This has to stop, he has to realise how undermining and negative it is to berate someone with a 10 month old baby working full time, and how much other people don't find this acceptable. If you allow this to continue, you will be more tired, start avoiding sex, and eventually you will break up and he will wonder why.

Is he one of those people with an easy job?

I find they genuinely just can’t fathom a busy job that leaves you tired. A bit like the divide between shift workers and non-shift workers. Just no ability to imagine.

Dunno about that Trixie. Different people find the same job easy/ difficult depending on a lot of factors.

And how you find your job changes- a job which is easy when you're youngish and single can become really hard when you're older and tired.

During lockdown my job has gone from easy to hard (for me) because I need to get out and about etc. My team are thriving because they are really enjoying having more time at home etc.

I also found it harder when I had young kids and was tired.

It's not so much what he/ she does but him saying she isn't busy when she's at work is just weird and mean. Especially after the first time when presumably the op said I am busy and tired. Why keep maintaining she's lazy etc.

Op what do you do when you're all at home eg weekend? Out and about/ housework and catch up/ telly..?

Is the work shared out then/ are you doing stuff then or does he relax etc etc?

tell him to self improve by working the hours you work.