Is my husband overly critical or am I lazy?

[orangesky1]

Gosh I feel like I can't see the wood from the trees and could do with an objective perspective.

We have a 10 month old baby. I went back to work at 6 months for financial reasons. I work full time in a demanding professional role. My husband works 4 days and has one day at home with the baby.

He is thriving. He finishes work every day at 4pm so has time to go to the gym most days. I don't finish until around 6 and also do nursery runs as its near to my work. Im not jealous, that's how our jobs are, but he is constantly criticizing me. For not exercising, for not reading anything intellectual, for not taking care of myself.

I'm drained. Practically I don't have time to go to the gym due to work/nursery hours. I like to run and swim outside but with the daylight hours as they are I can't do this in the week. He says I do have time and I am not that busy I just don't manage my time properly.

I just feel like he niggles at every little thing. I've started doing work in the evenings claiming its urgent as I can't face spending time with him. I want to slob on the sofa watching something trashy but know he will judge. I know this is lazy, am I being self indulgent? I feel like he is too critical, I'm in reasonable shape, I've got a demanding job and a small-ish baby, isn't that enough?

Yes a conversation is the way forward. If he's genuinely not trying to undermine you, then he will be able to see you point of view and needs. 'Not managing your time properly' is a horrible, passive aggressive thing to say.

Your baby is only 10 months old and you're still breastfeeding, as well as working full time in a demanding role.

That is enough, more than enough, to have on our plate. If you want to use your evenings to watch rubbish on TV, then go for it.

If your dh finishes work at 4pm and the baby is in nursery, I would fully expect him to be the one doing the cooking etc esp as you aren't home until after 6pm.

@Aerial2020

I see a lot of posters recommend the OP fixes this rather than her criticising husband stop criticising.

Usually the way isn't it , the woman is doing her damn best and juggling everything but she still has to fix things rather than her partner step up and be supportive.
If he's not happy with your life, why isn't he changing things, like his hours , attitude etc

Do you earn more than him OP? It really does sound like he's insecure and chipping away at your self esteem.
Where is his self improvement?

Exactly this. I can't believe all the suggestions of moving the nursery run closer to him, instead tackling the fact that he's being very rude and very short sighted, to say the least.

He's making you feel deeply uncomfortable in your own home, to the point where you want to be nowhere near him. You sound like an otherwise confident woman who is doing her best and certainly, more than that self absorbed judgy arse hole. He's got all the ideas hasn't he, about what you should be doing but none involve how he can support you in doing those 'improvements'. It doesn't even sound like he's being encouraging, just critical.

You don't sound lazy, you sound like just another woman having to pick up the slack of a clueless man.

Thank you.

I think this post was also to reassure myself.

None of my mum friends are working fully time- they are all crafting, baking stunningly decorated cakes, hosting parties, sending thoughtful gifts, in the gym regularly etc.

I don't do any of this and justify it because I'm working full time. But wondered perhaps other mums are working full time and managing all of this after all. One of the mums who had a baby after me has just launched a new business! So there clearly are some super women around.

Really helpful to get the feedback that I am right that a full time job and a baby doesn't leave much energy / appetite for much else for most though, and it's not just me!

I don't think you sound lazy. I think you sound amazing.

You sound like you are doing great OP! Comparison is the thief of joy, maybe there are some 'supermums' out there who can seemingly do it all - so what, what does that matter to you? You are the best judge of what you need to do to live a happy life and function well at your work and for your child. Downtime is very important and adding more stuff to do to the mix when it is only out of obligation or guilt is unlikely to serve you well.

I think your DH needs to shut his face. It’s easy to be critical when you have an easy life. Having a child brings loads of big changes especially to women who’ve grown a child for 9 months. And the toll it takes on the body. You also sound like you work in a very demanding job. You must be exhausted. Please don’t focus on what other parents are doing. So few people admit they’re struggling. Just be careful you don’t burn out. I’d close down any conversation he has about being more active.

What the F did I just read?

If DH has slack in his day, he can damn well pick up the housework and have dinner on the table. Like a wife

Your mum mates are either lying or have staff...

Yes I earn quite a bit more than DH. Around 4x.

I reckon this is it. He feels inferior in terms of salary and is trying to "big himself up" by all the so-called "self-improvement". He's being very mean because part of that is putting you down a bit by pointing out that you aren't doing it. And no bloody wonder. You don't have time.

I do think that you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. YOu should reply every time "Yes, it must be lovely to have the energy at the end of a working day to go running/learn a new language etc Unfortunately after every night up with the baby and long full days at work, I just DON'T have the energy. You carry on and enjoy what YOU'RE doing in the evenings, and I will spend my evening doing things that I enjoy and that enable me to switch off. I don't appreciate being told how to spend my free time, it's MY free time, not yours."

I guess there's a small chance that he's enjoying HIS "self-improvement" so much that there's an element of "recommending" things to you: "you should do x, y, z like me/why don't YOU try doing this exercise routine?"

But it does sound more like he feels inferior and is trying to make you feel bad about yourself, which is NOT a nice trait.

To be honest after your update I'm struggling to believe you're genuine.

You are so obviously doing absolutely amazingly well and it's really odd that either of you are questioning it.

Also, you earn 4x more than him? And he's criticising you and saying you're lazy? Seriously?! My DH and I have always earned similar amounts so I can't really relate but I honestly don't get how he would dare to say something like this if you share finances.

You have no break at all!! Get him to do the nursery pick ups and make the meals and do 50% of the housework. Make sure that you have 2 hours a day every day child free and work free to relax and read or do exercise or whatever the hell you want.

I have lots of hobbies but when the kids were little, I had no time, whether I was working or not. Now that I have 50% custody I have time to go to the gym, read, play racquet sports, paint etc.

And hobbies and reading are supposed to be for your own enjoyment and not to prove something to anyone.

Blimey, who told him he was the boss of you?

He's utterly clueless.

You sound lovely!
He sounds horrible and totally clueless.

If he wants you to be the best you can be... he can stop criticising you into the ground. He finds everything easy? HE's NOT BREASTFEEDING A YOUNG BABY.. He's not doing all the night time stuff and he's not working full time on a job that doesn't seem to switch off.

I guarantee that even if you managed to build yourself into this paragon of perfection he keeps criticising you for not achieving - he would find something else to pick on.
Even if he is perfect at everything else, he's not perfect at supporting you and giving you confidence and telling you that you are doing a great job - what's stopping him?

I think he's jealous that you're earning more - quite a lot more by the sounds of it.

I do think if you moved nursery nearer home then DH could pick the baby up earlier.

If you didn't have nursery drop offs every day could you cycle to work & use that as your fitness? Only suggesting this as you mentioned it as something you planned to do.

Also I feel pretty bad for your baby having to stay in nursery until 6pm while your DH has time to himself. Those are very long hours at such a young age, sometimes it can't be avoided due to work commitments (in which case fair enough) but I'd feel uncomfortable with that as a regular arrangement when one parent isn't even working late hours.

Tell him he needs to think of ways to up his earning power so that you can spend more time exercising, looking after yourself intellectually & generally taking care of yourself. Maybe if he managed his time better he could direct his self improvement towards his career & salary.
Stop letting him undermine your confidence. He is making you feel bad to make him feel better about himself.

If he didn’t go to the gym then he would have time to pick up.

If you got rid of him then he’d have DC every other weekend, meaning you would have more time to rest than you do now, and your daily routine would be the same as you already do the drop offs and pick ups.

Is this a reverse OP? Because I’m surprised at your update - “ really he’s an amazing husband and I should be doing better” .

I would tell him that you want to share the nursery pick up ,so that you can spend more time on self improvement.
See what the cf says

@MandB23

Is this a new thing? Or has he always been this way? I might be totally wrong but are you the bigger earner? For some reason when I read your post, he just sounds like somebody who is insecure and actually trying to make himself feel better. It’s not on though. Would you speak to him like he is speaking to you? Think about that and consider why he thinks it’s okay to be unkind to you. I’d be telling him he’s a bit of a prick.

I agree with this. He’s deliberately trying to make you feel like shit because he feels emasculated

I'd suggest he look into improving himself.
Has he done any reflection on why he is such a sanctimonious twat?

If he's a half decent guy I'd level with him and tell him he has no fucking clue. If you do want to exercise etc well he should self improve his husband skills and facilitate this for you. He can put baby to bed while you exercise, ensure you get time on the weekend etc.

Looking after yourself is important but being badgered by someone who is in no way facing the same challenges is not going to motivate you.

Plus it is absolutely ok to relax, downtime is important too

You have the patience of a saint OP. No way would I allow anyone to treat me like this.

You should tell him you're thinking of going p/t and he can get a second job in the evenings. That way you'll have the energy to have more downtime.

@Laserbird16

I'd suggest he look into improving himself.
Has he done any reflection on why he is such a sanctimonious twat

Brilliantly put. Straight to the point, and I spluttered my coffee, laughing!

Gosh, you are hard on yourself!

My DC is teenage now so needs far less effort but I am still knackered from my FT job which is mentally draining.

Enjoy the time with your baby and stop beating yourself up.

You're working full time, have a 10 month baby and do all the nursery runs? Ask him when he thinks you can fit in a run, or when you can sit down and read a book?
Bully for him having time to do what he wants.
From the title I thought he was going to be moaning that the house wasn't clean and tidy etc.
He needs to learn that priorities and lifestyles change when you become a parent, usually more so for the mother. If he took on more of the childcare stuff, would he have time to do what he likes?