Is my husband overly critical or am I lazy?

[orangesky1]

Gosh I feel like I can't see the wood from the trees and could do with an objective perspective.

We have a 10 month old baby. I went back to work at 6 months for financial reasons. I work full time in a demanding professional role. My husband works 4 days and has one day at home with the baby.

He is thriving. He finishes work every day at 4pm so has time to go to the gym most days. I don't finish until around 6 and also do nursery runs as its near to my work. Im not jealous, that's how our jobs are, but he is constantly criticizing me. For not exercising, for not reading anything intellectual, for not taking care of myself.

I'm drained. Practically I don't have time to go to the gym due to work/nursery hours. I like to run and swim outside but with the daylight hours as they are I can't do this in the week. He says I do have time and I am not that busy I just don't manage my time properly.

I just feel like he niggles at every little thing. I've started doing work in the evenings claiming its urgent as I can't face spending time with him. I want to slob on the sofa watching something trashy but know he will judge. I know this is lazy, am I being self indulgent? I feel like he is too critical, I'm in reasonable shape, I've got a demanding job and a small-ish baby, isn't that enough?

You don’t sound lazy to me. Your baby isn’t even 12 months old! He sounds mean and unkind. You don’t read enough improving literature? Seriously he can get piss off with that kind of rubbish.

And who does the night shift when the baby wakes up? I bet it’s not the person who works 4 days a week and knocks off at 4pm is it?

When he calls you lazy call him a slacker. Seriously, what a lightweight!

This isn't about the gym or reading ir whatever else he comes up with, this is about chipping away at your self esteem so you can never match his expectations.
You could be superwoman and he prob still would find something to pick on.
He's insecure and deep down prob thinks the opposite, that you are doing amazingly well and needs to bring you down a peg or too.
This is not a supportive partner.

Tell him you don't need to improve yourself, you're fine as you are and if he doesn't like it, he can fuck off.

You’re not lazy. He’s a dick.

Tell him he’s doing nursery pick up two of his four work days and you do the other two. Those two evenings he can do the house related things (laundry, dinner, bath time) and you go do as you please for your own ‘self improvement’.

Don’t tolerate this. It will erode your confidence. You’re still recovering from child birth and pregnancy and you’re working full time.

I’d be furious if my husband even attempted to suggest I was lazy in these circumstances.

Ew. I work part time (8hr days/3 days per week) and I’m knackered with a toddler. I want to exercise but I’m so bloody tired and I’m always catching up on cleaning. I can’t imagine what it’s like working full time starting with a 6 month old! Even when I was a SAHM I struggled! He needs to shut up, stop exercising, and take on more of the child care!

I'm not sure why he leaves baby in nursery until 6pm for you to pick up if he finishes at 4pm. Sounds like he is leaving the bulk of responsibility to you and swanning about, then criticising you. Horrible really. And he isn't taking into account the physicality of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, all the hormonal changes you've been through. If he wants you to be a stepford wife he can find a way to earn enough that you don't have to work. Sorry, I'm just really offended on your behalf.

@madcatladyforever

He's the lazy one and he isn't a man, why isn't he working harder to support his family.

Yes, because we all know it's a man's role to work! What a pansy, staying at home woth his child one day a week.

He's a dick for pushing all this self-improvement bullshit on the OP, but there is nothing wrong with his routine, at all.

Wow he's vile.

He should pick the baby up if he finishes at 4pm! Even if it is near your work so what. Or at least half the week. He can exercise when your baby naps on a Friday. You have no time to do this!

What is his job? Maybe he finds it hard to understand a busy office job

This is a real life ODFOD situation.

What a knob he's being!!

So he has 12 hours a week free for his hobbies - 4 days a week from 4pm - 7pm.

When do you get 12 hours to yourself ?

I would smile sweetly agree with him and tell him you are looking for a part time job to that end. That should shut him up for a moment or two.

Yes, tell him you're looking to reduce your hours right down as you're too tired for anything other than work/looking after baby. Also, tell him he will need to step up to do 50% of everything house and baby related.

I just could not imagine putting up with this. Thankfully DH is very respectful and does not pull me up on my lazyness because life is bloody tiring!

Let me just reassure you OP you are NOT lazy. You must feel absolutely knackered mentally and physically most days and I think your DH knows this and is kicking you down.

He may be in self improvement but really he is a hypocrite, it's all very well going to the gym, and whatever your heart desires when you have 2 glorious free hours every day. Alas you do not have that luxury.

Read him the riot act, a bit of self improvement on compassion and supporting his spouse would be a good start.

I also believe you need to have a good hard think about your future with this man. Don't become downtrodden by him, you are your own person stay true to yourself.

You are not play-dough to be manipulated and beaten down into what he wants.

Just out of interest - how much intellectual reading is he doing?
He sounds a complete arse. Now, put your feet up - have you finished binge-watching The Crown? You need to catch up while he's cooking your dinner.

You are doing more than your fair share. He doesn't sound great. Give him a list of jobs to do when he gets home.

I want to slob on the sofa watching something trashy but know he will judge. I know this is lazy

It's not lazy to rest and chill out, it's important self-care.

He sounds like an obnoxious bellend.

Maybe he feels inferior as he isn't as successful as you, so he's putting you down to try and boost himself. Which is narcissism really.

Often men who do this have small dicks and/or something else they're compensating for, such as being failures.

He's being an arse.

He needs to be doing the pick up and then laundry, tidy, and dinner ready by the time you get home.

OP he sounds like an sanctimonious prick, self improvement indeed! I've come across these wanker type men, I bet its only his partner he judges! Does he help with childcare and housework to give you free time?

Do you actually want to go to the gym and read self help books? If you don't then sod him! If you want to chill in your spare time thats your absolute right to. I would be tempted to lie about in my slobbiest clothes, eating the biggest bag of crisps I could find watching the trashiest thing on telly. Really milk it to show him he doesn't get to dictate how you spend your evenings. I would bin him OP as you will be happier alone, than with someone always pressuring you to be something you're not.

I bet its only his partner he judges

@Mermaidwaves IDK, he could be the sort of wanker who tries to convince himself he's superior to everyone. But maybe is more open about it and lays it on thicker with his nearest and 'dearest.'

@orangesky1 I agree with PPs that you'll be happier without him as you could relax better. And let's face it he's a loser, you had to go back to work before you wanted to, to support you all.

This really isn’t about whether you’re lazy (of course not), what you should do in your spare time (whatever the hell you like), or who should be picking up the child from nursery (shared).

It’s about your relationship at a fundamental level. What you describe is a horrible relationship dynamic - him criticising and dictating, you feeling bad and appeasing.

I think you should spend some time reflecting on that, and have a serious conversation with him about it. And if his attitude doesn’t improve after that, whether you and your child would be better off without this negativity in your lives.

He has no right to speak to you like that!!

I think he sounds like a bully, you went back to work early- he works 4 days! He should pick the baby up 2 days / no gym and you go to the gym/ swim 3 days if you want to, the balance isn't right here. Ask him if he likes you because I'm unsure

He’s a dick for making you feel bad about yourself, but I wonder if it’s a clumsy attempt to help?

DH often tries to tell me I don’t need to work as much as I do when I appear overly stressed or tired and it’s (an ineffective) way of him trying to lighten my load.

From a personal perspective, I feel better and have more energy when I fit exercise in, even around a busy schedule. If you’re someone who used to swim and run, perhaps you are too and he’s trying to recreate that.

I think you need to communicate with one another to ensure that you get more time to rest and recharge yourself and for him to realise how hard it is to look after a ten month old.

Tell him to fuck right off. But your arrangements would absolutely do my head in, something has to give.