Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@City754 Sorry to hear about your situation. It reminds me of a woman I was dating until a couple of weeks ago when she ended it. She is dealing with one of her DC suffering a serious health issue, who took a turn for the worse earlier this month, although contact had gradually dropped off over the last couple of months.

I think @Bunkbedpeople 's advice is spot on. It sounds like a very sad situation, but if he's struggling to deal with it then he just won't have capacity to think about much else.]

In my case, the not knowing what was happening was worse than knowing it was over. And if you leave things on a kind note, then there's always a chance of things working out at some point in the future when the time is right. But life is too short to wait around, feeling anxious, for someone who isn't ready for you to be part of their life - whatever the reason.

@Ruralbliss that just means the apps are saving up all the hot ones for tomorrow

Ha ha @TheCatWithTheHat wish that was the truth. No I won't go on the apps again for a lonnnnnnnnng time as
(a) feels cheaty and disingenuous if current iron hasn't officially vanished or dumped me (yet)
(b) I've been saying for many months, possibly even a year that I'd do a dating sabbatical and this will be the perfect time - wounds to be licked, crap time of year to meet new people plus of course the pandemic. I'd come back to it in March I think the month of my birthday when the days are longer.

Hope iron doesn't vanish or dump me. It will be pretty shit if he does.

Absolutely @Ruralbliss keep trying, there’ll be some absolute fitties on there soon to cheer you up! It’s pretty soul-destroying, this whole game though, I know.

I’m still at a complete loss as to whether to instigate a third date with my iron (no nickname yet) - he’s been reasonably chatty via text since second date on Saturday but no mention of another, and something is stopping me from asking him on a date again. I think it’s that I’m just not sure if I fancy him! He’s my first decent iron for a long time though - will I kick myself if I don’t make the effort?

Sorry @Ruralbliss just saw your last post about taking a break!

@ruralbliss - he could well be being just a bit lame. One of the most frustrating things about online dating is how the mode or frequency of communication becomes a form of communication in itself. Too many vagaries but probably a bit over-sensitised to it myself. I would just text myself and see if there’s anything going on. That’s the theory and my plan the next time it happens to me anyway, (until it happens to me of course ).

@Ruralbliss the not knowing what’s going on with them is frustrating as hell isn’t it? I’ve done the whole ‘right I’m moving on swiping’ which won’t work because you’re not in the headspace for it. I would have Wednesday in my head as a line in the sand, if no comms by then I would be asking what’s going on. I’ve been the person feeling the chill of someone cooling it twice now and it’s not pleasant at all:(
@City754 I’m not sure what you mean by gentle closure but I think as you like this person and they are going through the worst time, a break up however gentle seems like a cruel addition to that-especially when it doesn’t seem like that’s what you want. If you want to wait, step back and wait-maybe giving yourself a timescale to reassess your feelings. It’s a shitty situation because the relationship is so new.
I’ve been in a bit of a waiting game myself with Mr German. He cooled, I eventually called him on it and he said it was work stress and he had no headspace for anything. He then further clarified that he really enjoyed our times together and wanted to repeat it when things calmed down re work and lockdown. I checked in with him last week and he’s still busy it seems and nothing from him since.
I do get the feeling now it’s a cowardly way of ending things without ending them. Or making this a FWB thing which I don’t want. I’ve been back on the apps chatting to a few and have a potential coffee date this weekend with a nice sounding guy who is more local to me. But I don’t know, I’m feeling a bit guilty in case he is genuinely struggling but still wants me going forward but I’m also remembering the rules of which about half refer to my situation!

I’m giving all of this far too much head space so plan is to not do that this week (working well so far ) and enjoy the chats with the new guy if they continue!

The only issue with waiting for someone with "problems" is you may be left in the limbo zone permanently. I won't admit how long I've been in it. But it's bad and you run the risk of being a free counsellor. That isn't the reason why I started dating

Each situation is unique and the circumstances of the people involved and their histories together will differ but ask yourself would you take the gamble on someone you really liked hanging around for you if you only gave them sporadic and patchy attention?

@GlassHalfFull1 if a man i considered a freind asked me to bubble up with him, all chatty, we slept together, and then he ignored messages....id not be sending work his way. Its just rude on a basic bloody level.

@Jonsnowsghost tbh id be pissed off myself. Asked you to call so you do and he doesnt pick up and is then rude to you when he does. But glad he finally called. Id probably be inclined to say....look if you ask me to call then dont waste my time. But, maybe a phrased a little nicer 😂

@City754 I dont think it needs to be final closure style/dumping message but as someone else said, a low key 'things are rough for you rn, not going to message any more because you probably need time and space but if you need a friendly chat welcome to reach out' and consider yourself single. Hes going through shit but that doesn't mean you should be in limbo.

@Ruralbliss honestly, is this what you want? Spend a weekend with a man and then he doesnt even say thanks for making the effort. Is a warm body worth a lack of basic courtesy? I have no patience for that kind of shit 😂

As for my sitch. Been seeing Mr A for a few months. The L word has been said. Hes wonderful. We did hit a snag, he and his daughters mum have a friendship, were together decades and all very positive. Just grew apart/more like flat mates. So he ended it. Definitely nothing suspect going on, she knows about us. But he has a lot of guilt, for being the one that called it. I dont want to out myself or him but its presented a few problems. Mainly skirting around her (possible) feelings on stuff related to us, nothing to do with their dd. I ended up having to take a few days to think about it and as a result he sorted the particular issue. I reckon it'll come up again though. I've always been careful to avoid people with too much anger or tie to an ex. Ill just have to see how it goes over time.

Well I took the bull by the horns and sent him a message - light and breezy - saying we should have just kept things as friends. He immediately replied with a decent message so a line has been drawn. TBH I have no regrets - I've always stayed well away from men younger than me but now I won't. Onwards and upwards, and back on the apps!

@Onesmallstep67

Each situation is unique and the circumstances of the people involved and their histories together will differ but ask yourself would you take the gamble on someone you really liked hanging around for you if you only gave them sporadic and patchy attention?

They might not be thinking along those lines especially when signed off work and medicated for depression which is what happened to him

@Newuser991 our last contact was a week ago, message re his now dad reaching EOL stage...... I am just giving him space & trying working out what I should do, if anything. I hope your situation resolves soon also.

@Mayzee Thanks for replying Mayzee. By ‘gentle closure’ I kind of mean -he’s not contacting me at all anymore (for last month) if I contact he always replies, but replies/dialogue getting shorter......I completely understand he is in horrendous situ.......I suggested meeting 5/6 weeks ago under allowed extended household. He said ‘at the moment I can’t think about personal stuff’ & ‘at the moment tbh I don’t have any free personal time’. So I’m reality I feel he’s told me we can’t be a relationship @ mo. Hence why I feel I should give him an out as I don’t want to keep messaging if he’s thinking I wish she would take the hint.

@supercali77 Thanks for reply, that’s exactly the type of message I’m considering sending.........It’s difficult & upsetting tbh because then I feel it’s completely final over etc etc......but this limbo is awful also......But I would rather some form of proper even temporary closure for my mental health also......Issue is his dad is at very very end of life (imminent) so I feel I can’t possibly send him anything just now? As he obviously has too much on to even read/digest/think about relationship......

@TheCatWithTheHat Thanks for your reply & I’m sorry you have recently been through a similar situation, it’s tough & tough knowing what to do for the best.

I know what you mean re the not knowing being worse, that’s where I am just now - well tbh I’m pretty sure I actually do know, we are obviously over. I just hate the fact we haven’t had a conversation (albeit even via message just now...) about it & contact has just faded out that feels really awful........Hence why I think I need to be brave & send a ‘kind loving closure’ message & as you say who knows what could happen when the world is a bit kinder in the future.....

@Onesmallstep67 Thanks for replying & I absolutely see where you are coming from............

@City754, that's a very tough situation. I would send something along the lines of what Supercali suggested and then step back and switch off if you can. It is really sad because you felt that you had a good connection. If it's meant to be it will. If in the new year he comes back to you and it is what you want then it can be rekindled. If not ( and you have met someone else ) then you can address that at that point.

Sorry, I think my early morning directness may have been read in response to some situations which people are finding themselves in which have genuine reasons for their lack of contact. I would never suggest that someone in your iron's personal situation was in any way taking a gamble and messing with your feelings @City754.
@Newuser991, I also know that depression can be a crippling disease and impact greatly on every aspect of your life. I'm sure as an empathetic person you will want to do what you can to support your iron. Take care of your own self and MH in the process too. Some situations like this can be very draining.

@City754 I get you now and based on his message to you about meeting I would assume it is over and send your message.
@Onesmallstep67 your post about hanging around when only getting sporadic attention hit home with me. I’m allowing that to happen with the hope of him coming back when the reality is he has hardly been bothered being in touch, turned down my offer of a meet up, has not made a plan since and has barely been in touch in weeks really. Even if he is really struggling with work and lockdown, it doesn’t excuse rudeness and semi-ghosting does it?
Writing it all down makes me see how stupid I’ve been really

@Mayzee - there’s definitely room for your iron to be much more considerate. Being emotionally unavailable is never a good enough excuse!

@Mayzee, I have been rooting for you and Mr German. I think you have been patient and understanding. And maybe there are reasons that you are unaware of that might be adding to his behaviour. But generally I firmly believe that if someone wants you in their life they find a way to do that. It's been such a tough year that it has undoubtedly impacted many aspects of life. In the case of dating maybe other much more pressing issues are taking precedent with time and head space.

@Onesmallstep67 no need to apologise, I know that normally ‘if they want you in their life, they’ll make effort etc etc....’. But obviously this isn’t a normal situation & genuine reason for lack of contact.....but......then I worry I’m making excuses.......My turn to apologise, but I didn’t quite understand your last sentence about gambling with feelings.....? Sorry it’s probably me not reading it quite right. Thanks for your kind words..

@Mayzee thanks for reply, I agree the ‘can’t see you at the moment’ is crystal clear......However (without making excuses) he has not been/is not @ home a lot just now as he is staying with parents to care for them.......Difficult.