Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Jonsnowsghost in my experience a sudden drop in communication means they're checking out of the relationship. For whatever reason. The cowards will wait for you to call them out on it and then own up and the more decent guys will have the courtesy to end it sooner rather than later.

Sorry to be so negative - I'm possibly influenced by just having seen ex's lovey dovey official 'in a relationship' FB post three months after he ended it. Having gone a bit quiet for a few days.

I sincerely hope I'm wrong - sometimes people just have stuff on their minds. But if you're tearing yourself to bits over this, ask him outright. Then you'll know. And I really really hope he'll say what you want to hear. I'm crossing my fingers for you.

I don't think he's back on the apps, just from various things he's told me. I'm not over invested but I do quite like him so I will be sad if it ends!
We've been "officiall" for a month but dated for longer. I dont think I'll delete his number yet, give it a few more days but I think it might be the way to go :(

Deleting is just a good way to stop you relenting then texting again. Takes the risk and the sting out of it, IME.

Lovely emotionally literate message from MrC telling me I was allowed a moan and he appreciates me waiting for him.

But all pie in the sky till he returns and I’m walking through his front door

Slightly kafkaesque message exchange with MrMilitary who is weirdly enough due back soonish - more my usual type, high-functioning slightly autistic type.

It’s like engaging with a bloody Turing test robot.

No thoughtfulness for my feelings but still this little edge of neediness/vulnerability/boyishness that’s quite compelling for my fixer side

Also I want a holiday

@LongtimelurkerL Covid really isn't making things easy that's for sure, so I think asking directly is a good idea.

@Jonsnowsghost hopefully there's a genuine reason he's not been in touch so much, but you worrying about it isn't going to do anything other than twist yourself into a nervous mess. If things were going well, then maybe there's something else bothering him? Bad weekend at work, or something else he doesn't want to burden you with?

If however your gut feeling is telling you it's over, then getting in there first is always an option as TiggerDatter has said. I've been in that situation a few times, and in hindsight me walking away earlier would have avoided a lot of mental anguish on my part.

I'm really hoping it's something else bothering him, I'm not sure if the strong feeling I'm going to be dumped is just my anxiety talking or a genuine feeling which is why I want to give him a few days. I'll see how it plays out.
I really want to message him but what I've learned from being on these type of threads is that if they want to contact you they will!!

Hello, first message, looking for advice please. Met’ H on OD in June, 1st date within a week. On 1st date both said looking for long term relationship/not talking to others & deleted our profiles. Is/was a long distance relationship & spoke on date 1 logistics of how we would make it work. Dated regularly till 6 weeks ago, 4 full weekends together due to LD & him having his son EOW. Met his 2 best friends. Spoke about future plans. Very Consistent daily, relaxed, mature, contact, he instigated majority of time. Felt relaxed, right, secure & had no niggles. Then, his father got very very ill........he lives 5 hours away, his son lives 4 hours away. For last 5/6 weeks he has been travelling weekly to care for dying father & I’ll vulnerable mother & travelling to see his son. We also cannot see each other due to distance & lockdown. On our last weekend together, 8 weeks ago, we discussed & made plans for after lockdown. But, since then communication from him has completely dropped off in last month. If I contact he replies, but he’s not making contact. He had & still does tell me ‘he’s broken, he’s struggling, he’s in bad place ‘ etc etc. His father is now @ end of life. Last contact was a week ago. But his replies have been getting shorter & shorter & I worry I am ‘a pest’ intruding, he wants to end it but just can’t face that discussion just now. I 100% understand it’s a horrific situation for him, but it’s making me feel awful & if we are over I would rather know for sure. Do I keep sending light supportive friendly messages or completely step away & give him space to deal with everything.

I wouldn't get in first. If it was something else and you dump him that's it.

Just leave it and see what happens

@City754

You sound an empathetic person and of course you’re hurting and caring.

At the moment, the limbo is doing no-one any good. Guy you’re dating is going through an incredibly turbulent time, you’re not happy.

This isn’t a long relationship and realistically all kinds of changes could occur in your dates life - your feelings won’t be his priority.

I mean you could even be contacting him trying to reach out and support him at this difficult time, and then he decides he doesn’t want to continue things afterwards?

The long distance and lockdown makes it even more impossible.

I’d message him (in the kindest and most loving way possible - don’t burn bridges) telling him you’re there as a friend if needed and then don’t message him again - consider yourself single.

@City754, I think you have no option but to accept that he's in a hugely difficult situation. Caring for and making time for everyone sounds extremely difficult. I'm afraid my honest response is that you are some way down the list of priorities. I understand that these people are strangers to you but to him they are the most important people. It's unknown how long this situation will go on but the impact of it will be felt for some considerable time afterwards. I would let him know that you are there if he needs to chat but not have high expectations of his time and attention. With time he may be able to come back into your life. You will need to decide if you are willing to wait. It's a difficult one for sure.

Hi @City754 I totally agree with @Onesmallstep67 - you have spent a few weekends together and his dad is at end of lift stage. You will be low down in his list of priorities, and this is understandable. If you like him enough I would probably be low key in the background, but with some acceptance that his situation is life changing and he may not want to pick things up.

@Bunkbedpeople
Thank you for your kind & honest reply. I completely agree with you that my feelings are at the bottom of his list just now & I fully understand why. I suppose what I’m struggling with is do I stay in this horrible limbo hoping for a reconciliation in the future or send a ‘kind loving closure’ message to him now. Tbh I’m scared to as then it’s completely final. But i am leaning towards sending closure message -for both of our sakes. It’s so difficult.x

@Onesmallstep67 Thank you also for your kind reply. Again I agree with what you say......I do now maybe think sending a message giving us both some form of proper closure is maybe for the best. My friends all say don’t message, hence why I’m struggling with my decision. You are also right the effects of his situation is going to be long term. I do want to ‘wait’ for him, but I’m not even sure how he feels now (I was secure before this) but I know realistically circumstances have probably beat us.

@Notcoolmum thanks for replying also, again I agree with you re his priorities. I have been ‘low key in background’ for last 4/5 weeks, but feel I’m now becoming a pest. I’m not, contact is roughly every 5/6 days to once a week now.....Do you think I should stay low key contact or send kind closure message? Thanks x

@Jonsnowsghost that makes two of us in
the same horrible position...

Sorry for your anguish.

I'm managing to be pretty cool about the the subtle change in atmosphere/body language at my (5th) sleepover with Mr VW on Saturday.

As I left on Sunday I had a feeling I wouldn't hear from him (again or for ages) and so far I'm right. Mind you texting was never his strong point and long periods between the two-three worders not unusual.

It's a horrible horrible feeling that gut churn. And despite being surprisingly uninvested in this one he literally ticks all the fucking boxes so have an awful sense it'll be a long time before I meet someone as well-matched.

I'm not going back on the apps until my suspicions are confirmed or otherwise.

He's due to come to mine this weekend for the first time so I'll be gutted if that doesn't happen but then as others have said the sooner it's over the sooner you get over these grim knocks to self-confidence and the potential future (fantasies I know but hard not too) you might have had.

I like the idea of trying to focus on the negatives of the person if you can and remembering that you can't make them fall head over heels for you.

Bloody shit isn't it.

I'll keep you updated but trying to keep my thoughts away from him which includes not coming on here for dating updates.

It's a particularly hard time to be alone when you thought you had the beginnings of something great. November + pandemic but sooooooooooooo much better than being with exes who were mad, bad and/or sad.

@City754 I could have written your post but with different facts.

Hugely difficult situation for him but whenever I ask him he says he likes me a lot and isn't using me.

It just seems to be one thing after another and I'm tired of waiting and feeling unwanted though

Sorry to hear @Jonsnowsghost and @Ruralbliss I don’t know why people can’t just be clear with each other. I really think it’s just so obvious.

This guy has been online on the dating apps loads so I’m feeling less and less like it’s a ‘date’ thing and more like a friends thing. Think I’ll still ask because it’s easier to know but I’m getting more and more sure it’s just friends. I really don’t understand why it’s so hard for some people. It’s been like 3 years and I’m seemingly a ‘good catch’ Wtaf

I just don't understand men and how they work 😅

He did actually call me at about 8ish (more than just a "few hours"...) and invited me over tomorrow so I did finally get somewhere but he really didn't sound himself so I think he had just had a bad weekend. Hopefully not walking into a dumping 😅

@Newuser991 I’m sorry to hear you are dealing with something similar. It’s so difficult isn’t it as due to the issues they are going through you feel you cannot discuss the relationship as they are dealing with horrendous stuff. But, we do also have feelings. Just a sad upsetting situation. I hope your situation improves/resolves. I’m still not sure wether to just leave it not contact him again or send kind closure message?

[quote City754]@Newuser991 I’m sorry to hear you are dealing with something similar. It’s so difficult isn’t it as due to the issues they are going through you feel you cannot discuss the relationship as they are dealing with horrendous stuff. But, we do also have feelings. Just a sad upsetting situation. I hope your situation improves/resolves. I’m still not sure wether to just leave it not contact him again or send kind closure message?[/quote]
What is the last thing yours said to you and when?

I'm still texting mine and I know I shouldn't be. Just nothing other than I would send to a friend.

I wouldn't send a closure message unless you genuinely mean it as it may backfire.

I haven’t posted for ages, took a bit of a breather as was finding dating hard work and a bit repetitive. I am still on the apps but rarely check them.

A have a few irons (or more old irons that are now friends), if only I could take their good bits and make one perfect iron 🤔.

Mr Snake has been a great friend, we have met up as friends but I don’t think he can handle the ‘just friends’ thing, he obviously has feelings for me and doesn’t really hide them. He has too much baggage for me to be in a relationship with him and although we have loads in common he doesn’t give me butterflies.

Mr Van has also been a good friend, he’s good ish in bed but he has a few issues with his mental health and I don’t find him that physically attractive (he’s short and fat) though he makes me laugh and we text everyday.

Mr Food, he’s someone I dated years ago but the sex was awful, nice person, will do anything for me (just not in bed) and we talk most days. Again I don’t find this guy physically attractive.

Mr Beard, he’s the newest iron, I find him attractive but I haven’t met him yet, hopefully I will soon (when lockdown is lifted).

All these men have qualities but none really give me butterflies. I seem to have acquired new friends but not a relationship.

That's good news @Jonsnowsghost that he called and you have date for tomorrow.

Still zero from Mr VW. The first time a day has gone by since we matched v early Oct without a text. Also first time I've stayed at his without a follow up 'Thanks for coming I had a really great time'

Nice. Not.

At least I'm not phone watching due to the wisdoms of this thread plus know better than to send a text prompting him. Let's see if he gets in touch. Rude man if he doesn't.

@Ruralbliss, not sure if you want to chew it over on the thread but did you feel a gear change in his manner with you after the last night together? It's so difficult isn't it - enjoying someone's company and trying to take it for what it is? Being relaxed and in the moment rather than looking too far ahead or over analysing. I struggle with that sometimes. I know that you were focusing on the here and now with him. I think if you haven't heard from him by tomorrow evening then a text or call wouldn't be inappropriate. You're not on date one or two here. I had a FWB earlier on in the year and felt very laid back about him because he would consistently make the effort to arrange to meet etc. I thought I was truly chill about him until he pulled the plug and told me he was concentrating on someone he had met. Then it stung quite badly. You've every right to feel rather put out that someone who you thought you were building a connection with hasn't been in touch.

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 I'm actually not put out by the absence of comms but only because of previous OLD experiences where they went off me.... (& the wisdoms of posters on this thread).

I'm observing what happens rather than feeling like I have to send a text to nudge him.

I'm the prize and if for whatever reason he doesn't see it that way that's not really my issue (although I'll definitely have period of heartbreak over this one if my gut feeling is correct).

Better to have had a hotter than hot, ridiculously cool, kind & funny lockdown loverrrrrr than not is my glass half full view of the world.

If he hasn't been in touch by Friday then gets in touch because he's due to come here Saturday night I might have a dilemma on my hands but it's only Mon so pushing that scenario to the back of my mind for now.

Well that was thoroughly depressing - just did 10 mins swiping left on everyone presented to me on Tinder and Bumble contrary to saying I'd wait.

Bollocks. That was meant to cheer me up and distract me. Ffs.