Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Bunkbedpeople my partner is Aspie and I once turned up unannounced as we got the days mixed up and he was a bit deer in the headlights! Had to leave and let him get on with things. Hope things go well with MrC.

@TheCatWithTheHat you seem to be doing well with the dates and keeping your standards high! Funny about the Russians! I've had male friends have women insisting on posh places early on, I think a bit of a con when that happens.

@Beenthere76 i tended to always hold back on sex because personally I would always feel a bit shit if things didn't work out well. I think you have great boundaries in place.

@LongtimelurkerL tbh I think it's easy enough to get dates but who wants to waste time with people who aren't suitable so I never went on many, maybe 9 in 3 years. Don't assume everyone is getting loads of dates! We are all busy people. If you aren't getting decent vibes from your guy, I would move on.

After all the advice here, I spoke to Mr Yoga about lack of communication and he completely agreed about stepping up our game and also seeing each other during lockdown. I used @HairyArsedMan's question "what are we if we only text a few times a week?" and that was the killer question. With this man, being upfront is the only thing that works. I also told him I'm smitten with him and don't want to see anyone else (even though I have offers). No grey areas there!

@Eesha, that's a great update on Mr Yoga. I'm glad that you spoke. Always better to deal with things as they come along. He always seems to respond positively and 2 people working together to keep things on track is I guess what we all want.
@Bunkbedpeople, I am also on the 'over invested in bunkbed's love life ' bench waiting for your reunion updates with Mr C. I think all the signs are positive. Don't leave us waiting while you have a 2 week shag fest please
All fine here with Mr V. We've been having some good conversations about Christmas and slowly it is beginning to feel like I am actually in a RS! It's still definitely a work in progress but the more I know the more I like.
I am heading out soon for a 350 mile round trip to collect my DD from uni. Been awake since 5am so it could be a long day !

@Whoknows11 that’s good then - maybe just not an in-between date chatter?

@Eesha yeah that’s my thoughts really - what’s the benefit of going on three dates a week you really don’t want to go on just to keep busy so you don’t worry about being texted. I’m not sure that would work. Very much get the into me vibes in person and he was texting regularly between the dates - he’s brand new to online dating because have a LT girlfriend and then went back to uni so didn’t ‘need it’ to meet people until this lockdown and covid stuff. Not sure if I’m making excuses for him though?

Yay re Mr Yoga! Amazing news

@longtimelurker is that a thing then? A not in-between date texter but seems to be texting someone else for hours every night?

The general vibe from all your updates as I rise from my slumber seems to be communication is key. And stay away from anyone - Russian or otherwise - who thinks it's about impressing on a first date. Imagine what they'd expect for an encore!

And with the distancing and masks and sobriety, just falling into a kiss is quite difficult. For me, that moment would be all about communication as well. "I've really enjoyed meeting you, in normal circumstances I'd be going in for a kiss, but... (points at mask or indicates distance)". If someone I wanted to kiss did that to me I'd love it and demonstratively rip off my mask or take a step forward and it would be very romantic. And if I didn't want to kiss them I'd use the barriers as a convenient excuse and shrug with a smile. Maybe I should start scripting a lockdown rom-com. Mining this thread for material...

I haven't tested this but I think someone said to me that if someone leaves whatsapp open on their phone it shows you online even if you are just using other tabs on your phone. But I am not hugely tech savvy so this may be not true - or even possible?

Huh @Whoknows11 are you talking about me? I have no idea if he’s been online for hours last night without texting me. He said he was going to his bubbles for dinner and I saw he was online/on the app a bit. I think that’s allowed though?

@Whoknows11 we were texting in between dates one and two. Neither of us have text each other after date two ended about 5ish yesterday

Oh duh! I’ve re read @Whoknows11 and you’re talking about your second date guy. Tbh you don’t know who he’s talking to assuming you’re communicating on WhatsApp?

@LongtimelurkerL as I said it's all conceptual theory right now but presumably the idea is to keep a-swiping and matching and chatting etc with new potential irons even when you've had a successful first/second date with someone you think might have potential.
I dunno. I'm by no means an expert.

Yes @Eesha re Mr Yoga and @Onesmallstep67 re Mr V these are lovely heart warming good news stories - thanks for sharing.

Same here re @Bunkbedpeople and invested. It's like our own soap opera. Hope all goes swimmingly with the long awaited reunion.

Promised myself a day off the apps today. Have a couple of phone dates lined up with people who seem on my wavelength so will enjoy those.

Glad only two weeks left of work commutes left until Xmas hols. I feel like I am staggering like a zombie through the days at the mo & feel like I'm not in the best place mentally to do anything other than enjoy my own company, date my kids/house/work.
Bad ghosty Mr VW still occupies too much of my thoughts going over and over how it all played out and what I could/should have done differently if I rewound the clock.

Happy Sunday one and all

Early data analysis from my latest study

I'm in text chats with 5-6 potential new irons and I'm equally ambivalent about them all. And too many to monitor who is/isn't texting or what they are doing meantime.

This does feel like a good way forward

My motivation for leaving the house to meet new people while killer virus is at large is dropping. I think I'll attempt to stay sane, keep healthy, keep my kids fed and clothed, continue to do great job at work and stay in touch with lovely long term far flung mates then see what dating looks like in Spring 2021.

Hopefully there'll be a rich seam of eligible others who are feeling like me right now who have come off the apps by then.

He text me!!! Yay!!!! Do I suggest when I’m about for a third date now?

@longtimelurker ha yes I'm talking about the guy I'm dating!!

Yes we communicate via WhatsApp and that's what I see he's online on ALL evening for the past 2 nights! Whilst I'm trying to remain cool argh!!

Yes I'd text him and ask when he's free!!

@Whoknows11 what was the last convo? When’s the next date arranged for?

Thanks, yeah I text and said I’m free Tuesday if he fancies a drink - fingers crossed

@longtimelurker just something trivial this the yesterday! I'm slowly loosing hope and know he's found someone more interesting than me!

Fingers crossed for you 🤞🏻

Multi dating with no sex is solid advice. Female dating strategy on reddit recommends it. Sex early on fires up womens bonding hormones, makes it harder to see the wood for the trees and if the man in question is only after sex then he'll drop off sooner or later but you're less bothered by it

Why does multi dating form part of that advice ? I can understand holding off and forming a clear impression of a bloke. It all makes me go 🤷‍♂️because the guy dating advice is to walk away from such rotation scenarios! And, to let the woman do the chasing because if you chase them you’re making it easy for them and not presenting yourself as high value. Honestly it’s such a crock of shit ! I have sympathy for anyone trying to find a way through such shark infested waters.. Maybe it’s all a scam to keep online dating sites well stocked 😄

Oh ffs @HairyArsedMan maybe be we're all being played here!

I find it hard to play any kind of game tbh what with been genuine & authentic to a fault

Apparently I should be having dates with a load of blokes at once but NOT HAVING SEX WITH ANY OF THEM until I've got to know them quite well

Fuck that shit. Where's the fun in that?? All that effort, and you don't even get laid .

I'm not sure I agree with the Female Dating Strategy 100%- it seems to have a rather, er...traditional take on things. As I recall it also suggests that a man should be paying for the whole date for at least the first few dates, no?

So....what do I have to relate from my den of licentious sluttery? I have just spent 24 hours with Mr Double Decker. There's been a lot of shit going on emotionally, actually- I've been struggling to process quite a few minor rejections (Mr BigCityBoy, who I've decided not to contact again, Mr Sparky of course, and Mr DD let slip that he's just seen Mr Shipwreck back on Fab as part of a couples profile with someone new :( . Plus, you know, a pattern of rejection stretching across my whole life).

I've been very open with Mr Double Decker about this- I'm painfully open about everything with him, poor guy, and he, with this same pattern of feeling rejected, is struggling to cope with the fact that he's pretty into me, and I said that I just wanted to be FWBs.....except that we did have a surprisingly good 24 hours, in many senses. He came to help me out with a couple of bits in the studio, including teaching me how a drop saw works, and I know I'm not alone in being impressed with a practical man. Seeing him in action, I've realised he's very good in that area!

One of my massive sticking points with him is that he's into woo bollocks, and I thought this was an utter deal breaker. However, last night I was able to be completely open with him, and say "I think loads of your views are complete bollocks!", and the way he took it makes me realise he can cope with my total bluntness and honesty, and that we could probably savour a good argument, which is a rare quality indeed.

Plus, today we went for a jaunt in his lovely van, and he cooked us a massive fried breakfast in it, and we had a nice walk, discussing swinging and sexual deviance at the tops of our voices, probably overheard with horror by the nice birdwatchers and elderly walkers we kept on happening upon round corners...

But of course, perhaps this looking on him with fresh eyes is driven by the feeling that nobody else wants me?? Good to step back and take stock at this juncture I think.

In other news, another man living in Wales from Fab who I somehow seem to have been chatting to for three months has suddenly gone quiet now that his return down here is imminent .

So, I finally bit the bullet and got back on Bumble just now, and am chatting to a nice sounding Piscean potter. Plus, I seem to have inadvertently matched with a man who "doesn't do drama" . How did I let that one slip through?

Yeah large swathes of FDS raises my eyebrows. Its a young and yes more Conservative crowd than most of us (i wager). Im not interested in marriage etc, and that appears to be the aim on there, there's a fair bit of naivety. The one thing that stuck with me was the no sex. Partly because I noticed sex could turn me from 'meh' into 'hes just so dreamy'. Bloody ridiculous. Not everyone but enough that I realised I couldn't think straight.

hairy yeah I think that's an American thing. Myself I took the route of chatting to multiples, meeting some but taking sex off the table until I was sure about someone over time.

Have any of you dated men shorter than you? I'm quite tall so usually don't swipe anyone much shorter but I've matched with someone that was straight up in opening message to me that he might be too short as he's 4" shorter. I don't know whether that would feel odd or not. I suppose if we get to stage of a date I'll find out 🤷‍♀️

What's FDS?

I'm chatting to two seemingly normal local blokes. They both seem to adhere to strict turn- taking. If they sent the last message, I don't hear anything until I have messaged, then they might reply quite quickly. It might not be deliberate, but I'm now beginning to wonder if they're following the guy-rules for OLD. Which seem remarkably similar to the girl-rules for OLD.

Hopefully at least one chat will lead to a meet because the meagre breadcrumbs of one or two-line messages just don't reveal anything about a person. I also get that you're not going to want to share loads with every stranger you chat with. I think I'm feeling quite despondent about the whole thing. And I've only been doing it for about 3 months.

sloth I realised height was a deal breaker for me when I dated a man who was the same height as me, 5"6". I need at least a couple more inches. But you might be fine with it. Same height works quite well for sex, but hugs were tricky and I missed looking up for kissing.

I get worried when I hear the word strategy in the vicinity of the word dating. Strategy to what outcome? Sounds a bit evolutionary based which always strikes me as a bit woo (good word). I came across a fair whack of American dating YouTube channels when I was moping over MsS, seems to be a cottage industry over there. Much of the male strategy was along the play it cool or if they dumped you then don’t speak to them and they will likely come back. Seems an odd way to go about things. Anyway I don’t see much point in waiting sex wise, but whatever makes people comfortable. I’d definitely wait if the refraining woman had a camper van and we could drive to beauty spots for fried breakfasts.

So I messaged the somewhat ill-mannered iron this morning saying I couldn’t make it thinking if she was ok on me being a bit flakey she might be ok. (Battery had gone in car key fob and had to send for one so couldn’t go anyway). Just got a message saying she’d forgotten anyway because she was busy. And then said since i hadn’t bothered to ask for her number she didn’t think we had a date anyway. I guess I should leave it but I always find these intense types quite alluring. I might join those taking a hiatus until March. 🧐

Wow dude, passive-aggressive much? And rude! Sounds like you swerved one there.

And damn the game playing to hell. It does nobody any good.