Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yea I agree @WeWantTheFinestWines it’s always a bit fiddly-awkward going to and from work with change of clothes in bag to meet lover anyway, so I’ll just say Wednesday night or maybe even Thursday afternoon.

I also have to be prepared for any news of a return date - not clear yet but he mentioned in passing they MIGHT want him back soon on this particular project as he knows it well now.

Think I’ll get the first meet out of the way then review the situation - feelings might change either end, or both.

For now I’ll just chill out and hang out on this thread, occasionally making my long rambling Yoda like posts

Euwww sloth and yuck and ick 🤣🤣

bunkbed already talking return date? Ick to that too, you haven't even seen him yet!

I'm chatting to someone who doesn't drink. I'm not a massive drinker but I do like a drink socially, and especially in a dating situation where it can really cause a lot of fun and laughs and a chilled out vibe. Can't write him off for that though... I'll probably write him off for being a bit dull then, which he has been so far 😐

Sorry another POF newbie Q - so when you get dire messages from men you have no interest is the protocol to (a) ignore & delete or (b) send a brief msg?

I've remembered why I didn't get along with it when I dabbled two years ago & decided the mutual match system of Tinder was more me.

@Ruralbliss

I’d personally just delete/ignore/block rude ones. Otherwise you’ll spend a lot of time going to and fro with apology messages.

@Slothmomma gross that’s so weird

Yeah, I think it’s a non go-er prob as he said he was going to see his bubble this evening but seems to have been back on the app all eve - we did talk about how awful his/my photos on there are and what apps were on. Think I’ll still send the breezy text tomorrow eve as I’d rather send it and hopefully get a reply either way. He said about seeing me again and that he text next week when he was on school holiday so who knows what he’s thinking. I hate dating - or at least the guessing in the early stages

@longtimelurker I'm so with you on the guessing game that is dating in the early stages!! I'm 2 weeks in and already finding it hard to just chill!!

Thanks @Bunkbedpeople there's no rude ones just a whol load of "Hi" and "Hi Rural" and "Hi how are you" from men who are not my type.

I'll delete them then. I guess they won't know but just will never get a reply which feels ok now you've said it is.

@Ruralbliss I ignore most of those messages too and just delete.
The same on Fab

@Ruralbliss

As far as I recall with pof there’s no pre-selection of contacts - you can filter by age etc but you’ll still be getting LOADS from guys you just don’t even have anything in common with (and you wouldn’t even have looked at their profile)

So if you replied to them it would be incredibly time and emotion consuming and you’d probably get a few wanting to discuss/argue with you.... I know you mean well but you get the picture...

Regarding everyone here struggling with the uncertainly of early datings my mate who is brand new to OLD and treating it like a new project with lots of background reading on the subject.

She tells me recommended best practice is wayyyyyy different to the approach I've taken (which has to be fair seen me getting involved with guys who turned out not to be a good match for me and a good amount of angst too) - match, text, phone, first date, excitement, 2nd date, sex, weeks/months of a thing then end.

Apparently I should be having dates with a load of blokes at once but NOT HAVING SEX WITH ANY OF THEM until I've got to know them quite well.

In theory (as not yet tested) this could be the way to give less of a fuck as to whether one of the irons has/hasn't messaged or goes off the boil as keep a not bothered/may the best iron win kind of attitude.

It's all conceptual to me but I think I like the idea of not hitching my cart to the next guy I appear to have a few things in common with and mutual attraction lest he is (like all the others) emotionally unavailable or mad/bad etc.

Hmmmm. She's meant to be sending me a link to some over priced dating coach video. I will share when I have it.

Good luck all those sorting in hands and trying not to care if someone is online or not

@ruralbliss this sounds great!! I'm going to try and make it my tactic as it's my current one isn't working.

Guy I've been on 2 dates with is constantly online on WhatsApp and it's not me he's chatting to!!

@Ruralbliss that's my intention too but I have altogether far too many hormones and I end up having sex with far too many of them.

How do you date lots of hot men and not want sex??

Isn't that just the standard old school advice about not having sex too soon as you're more likely to get emotionally attached and be open to hurt?

And there's an assumption that you will have several irons on the go, that are all keen on you so will eventually show they're worthy of your trust and the special flower you will then feel safe to bestow on them... Sounds a bit unrealistic/ wishful thinking to me.

Or maybe I'm just an old cynic.

@Ruralbliss .. I don’t think that’s poor advice from your friend. I have given a few apps 2.5 years. 20 dates, 5 had sex with and have simply stopped. Not doing me any good whatsoever. Anxious, highs and lows. Just feel like I am disrespecting myself. I have made three men friends out of all this. None of those I have slept with but probably could have done. The last I think there was some genuine warmth but told him it needed a great deal of time for me to get to know him. Despite an incredibly passionate kiss and my usual fires burning. He said he would always be happy to hear from me and we had a lovely walking weekend. I am just not going to put myself through anymore hurt. My ex husband is sadistic enough without all of this too. I do remember how exciting it has been and believe me it really was. Its now got to a point where at 44, I want to sit back and think very hard. I love sex. But it comes with a lot of connection and in this lousy OLD the inevitable hurt. Will I miss sex. Oh, I probably will for this time but I wont miss the terrible anxiety. Been in this mode since October now. Will touch in with the last meet at some point but for now a calmer place.

@Bunkbedpeople Your offshore match MrC does sound promising. But please don’t accept crumbs. He should be picking up that phone and racing to meet you once he is able. There should be no confusions or worries. Get some clarity? Xx

@WeWantTheFinestWines I think what suits people at any given time. I am giving it some time as thoroughly burnt out through connecting in sex and ending up feeling used. So certainly going the old fashioned way now. Might die an old maid but right now rather that than of an utterly broken heart (again!). Some ladies are happy with a quicker approach. I was the last couple of years and boy it is a rush..

@Beenthere76

Lol yeh I’m “reasonably” sure he’d meet me ASAP if I asked firmly - I’m more thinking about the logistics for both of us?

(I’m aspie and emotionally meeting someone unexpectedly without a lot of notice is possibly the WORST thing for me)

I actually am back working outside for the first time in ages (illness) so I’m low on energy and weathers terrible where I am.

I’m not hosting and I don’t want to be trekking over to someone’s flat if they’ve just got back and are tired and it’s full of washing - I’d rather have a slightly more romantic chilled environment for a reunion

MrC did actually try to offer me a house key before I left but I thought it was too much hassle as I didn’t want the mental load to be checking on the place .

He has sent some expensive sports gear he bought to mine (including some presents for me) so I’m
holding it hostage and if he ghosts me it’s going straight on eBay and I’m having a day out Or using the money for my next round of dating!

I also think putting myself in MrC’s shoes, if someone I was dating insisted on meeting me a particular night (even if I was exhausted)

or wanted me chasing after them to “prove” how they felt about me (rather than just honestly communicating and taking my own work and life schedule into account) I’d be absolutely livid and put off them for being needy and controlling.

If MrC meets a hot woman on the plane home or decides to ghost me I’d definitely be sad but there’s nothing I can do about it - I can only control my own behaviour and making demands won’t help the situation.

Plus I have my back-up chap sailing home now so I’d just switch to him

@Bunkbedpeople .. sounds good. Then yes, planning best for you. Can understand. Back up plan is ideal too 😄 It has definitely become easier to say ‘nope’ and move on but something amiss now and a few changes in approach needed this end. Xx

@Beenthere76

Yeh I HATE last minute plans lol.

I like the prep (still at the stage where I want to dress to impress)

and if someone did that thing like in the Cyndi Lauper song (driving all night to turn up at my door just to be with me) I wouldn’t be impressed and they’d be sleeping in their car.

@Bunkbedpeople ..I’ve had that happen 🤣. It was the best..(and he was worst as it turned out). But I still smile.

beenthere absolutely, it's all about deciding what's best for you and go with that, whether that's all the sex from the outset or waiting for an established, exclusive situation of mutual love and respect. My point was that that choice is as old as the hills, we've had to think about it since our teens and there is nothing new under the sun. And certainly nothing worth paying anyone to be told about.

bunkbed I always used to think - what if he drove all night and she had hairy legs and big knickers on and hadn't showered that day, what a nightmare!🤣🤣 I did it to a boyfriend years ago though, and he was very pleased to woken up in the middle of the night. But men don't prep like us, do they?

I’d think it was a bit too much too soon and not having really “read my personality and boundaries ” if MrC turned up to surprise me unexpectedly (and yy to me probably being a smelly irritated minger if not expecting him)

I met MrSmooth the same day as MrC (arguably more impressive on paper with a lot of bragging rights and also interested in me)

First meet was “I’m down the road”. Second suggested meet was him wanting to invite himself along to my staycation so I ignored him

the whole vibe of being the successful busy dude wanting to insert himself into my schedule at the last minute made me not want him inserting himself into my....

@DudeFromThatLondon is that on Hinge? I've had duplicate messages a few times from people on there - I think it's a bug on the app or something, but they were all real profiles. I've also had a really strange conversation with someone who seemed to be a rather unsophisticated bot (or maybe just someone messing around). Is your match Eastern European? I've had a few conversations with Russian women who seem to think the guy should make all the effort, and a couple were quite rude when I suggested a nice gastro pub instead of a swanky expensive restaurant (pre Covid), then were even ruder when I asked if they had any venue suggestions.

@LongtimelurkerL that does sound a bit wishy washy - but maybe he's quite shy? It's even harder these days to figure out what's going on as some people are more cautious than others regarding contact.

@Slothmomma you've really hit the jackpot with those two guys .

@Ruralbliss another vote for just ignore/delete messages from guys you're not interested in.

Another update from me - I had a nice date on Friday evening, although masks and social distancing made it a bit awkward when I said goodbye and I chickened out of going for a kiss. She said later that she would have responded, so I was kicking myself a bit. I still need to work on my smooth first kiss techniques... We had a good time - but on a scale of "0 = Never see again -> 10 - potential future wife" I'd say she was a 5, so while I'd enjoy spending time with her again I'm not sure if it would go anywhere, and I don't know yet whether we will arrange to meet again.

Then after I got back home, I received a message from someone on Tinder which I rarely use. She only lives up the road, so we arranged to meet today for a walk. She turned out to have used some rather flattering photos, and was 7 years older than her profile said so while it was an enjoyable walk in the sun I just didn't feel any spark.

This evening I was talking to someone I matched with a few days ago, who I was getting on well with, and we made provisional plans to meet up with next week. Then I made a comment about something she disagreed with. She started getting quite defensive when I pointed out that there was much scientific evidence to back up my opinion, then she sent a long rant telling me that I'm a typical guy thinking I know everything, and that I was wrong, and insulting me. Nice.

And finally, I received a reply back from my Thursday date saying she was sorry, but she'd actually only broken up with someone recently, and realised after meeting me that she wasn't ready for dating. Note to all the Russians - this is why I don't go to expensive restaurants for a first date

@Whoknows11 urgh that sucks - have you got a third date sorted out or waiting to hear or?

@Ruralbliss hmm to that advice. Where do people get all these perfectly eligible people all lining up to take them on dates at the same time?? I can get some to chat to but several all wanting to actually go on dates - how do you do that??

@TheCatWithTheHat you do well with dates - is that one basically every night? How do you do it? And I don’t think he is shy really, maybe more casual about the whole dating thing. I don’t mean looking for casual I mean relaxed about it in terms of ‘what’s the rush’

@longtimelurker

Yes another date this week! I don't have high hopes anymore sadly. But happy to see what happens!