Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Someone should start a mumsnet thread where we can write all the things we’d like to send to dates but are playing it cool so can’t message them just to get it out of our systems!

@Bunkbedpeople great idea . I have just exchanged numbers with the iron I am meeting for a walk next week. Trying not to message too much haha

lol @lovellost yes MrC has always been very responsive/positive and I don’t think playing hard to get necessarily works BUT I still think it’s sometimes good to hold back a little bit....

@Bunkbedpeople sometimes playing hard to get make the irons think you are not interested. I don't the iron I am thinking is a big texter or he can't be bothered. Since we set a date and place last weekend, he hasn't been in touch all week until today when I asked how if he had a good week then he gave me his number . I am trying not to overthink but we will see

Aye that’s exactly it @lovellost - it sort of needs to be showing interest (often the guys who just “chase” us are desperate or love bombers or not the ones we want) but also giving the other person space to get on with their lives. It’s such a hard balance to strike! 😬

@Bunkbedpeople it is indeed. If they text too much , they are love bombing , if they don't, they are not interested ha what are we like. Still we have to be on our guards either way

On the subject of texting I was on a wine fuelled call with a girlfriend tonight asking her 'what do you make of this guy - not texting but a two hour chatathon, date planned for tomorrow but no text responses from him despite being online...?' and no sooner had I said it to her that his bailing text came through (10pm) #mygutknew #itsallbsuntilitisnt #blokesareweird

"Hi. Been mad busy...still not had dinner yet..unfortunately im going to have to postpone tmrw. sorry. x"

I'm letting that hang. No response necessary as far as I'm concerned. Chat archived. His loss.

That’s annoying @Ruralbliss

When (a long time ago) I worked for the Nhs in admin I was told in my department to mark people who cancelled at the last minute as “did not attend appointment” to reflect that by the time they’d contacted us, the clinic lists were set and it was all prepared for them. So essentially it was the same as a no-show.

Same with dates - it’s just so rude to leave to the last minute as the other party will have got ready, rearranged other things, be a bit nervous...

I’ve learned to send a check in text myself either way from bitter experience (nothing heavy just a “hi just confirming the meet is on for tomorrow/later today?”) That’s my safety net I do before seriously prepping.

But the people who basically don’t think to let the other person know as soon as they know they can’t make it are just 😬

Lateness/unreliability/flakiness is such a dealbreaker for me now, as even if they ARE great in person it then stokes my anxiety arranging stuff so there’s just no point continuing....

@Ruralbliss that's such a shitty thing to do . He probably got a better offer for tomorrow 🙄why not just be honest . His loss

Good comment and insight there @Bunkbedpeople

No I'm grand. I had q hunch. It was so odd. Came in with first matched message with a response to my breezy chat with a phone msg then an unexpected two hour lots in common phone call then a date booked then tumbleweeds despite seeing he was online and suddenly I was back where Mr VW put me at the beginning of Oct when we first started comms - all full of 'This doesn't feel like the great feeling I usually get when I match with a great guy'

So I'm relieved. Saved myself time, effort, energy and possibly getting infected with killer virus (if kissing had taken place)

I can't imagine what made him change his mind in the interim other than another girl. He doesn't suggest an alt date so will assume it's a binning off.

Odd though as personally would have been curious to meet me as such a great chat.

Another mystery I'll never know I guess

@Bunkbedpeople yes, im not sure about this playing hard to get mallarkey either and not being too available. It feels like game playing. But all advice seems to say hold back.

@Ruralbliss he sounds like a deadbeat so be glad you found out early!!

@Eesha yeah it’s so tough!! I’ve got my second date today - fingers crossed for me please all

@LongtimelurkerL good luck for your date today . Everything crossed for you 🤞

@LongtimelurkerL have fun on your date! Weather doesn't look too bad today.

Mr Yoga and I haven't been in touch since Wednesday. In my head it feels too long but not sure whether to message to say hi.

Thanks both

@Eesha what was the last message?

@LongtimelurkerL
Good luck for today.

@Ruralbliss
Thank god your gut was right and you didnt waste any more time on him

@Eesha
I would message to say Hi, Mr Yoga might not consider no contact since Weds as long whereas you do so send the messsge

@SortingItOut I don't think he thinks it's long as he's busy probably back to back yoga since lockdown ended. But does feel a bit like out of sight, out of mind.

I would just text @eesha I still subscribe to the ‘it’s better to know’ thing

I really hope I get a kiss today but have no idea how to flirt anymore lols

@Eesha
I think you're doing incredibly well to agree not to see him for a while but in my eyes, if you dont see each other then messages and calls should step up a gear.

I appreciate Mr Yoga might not see it like that though so if you need more communication you need to tell him.

I'm trying to figure out if there's a lesson to be learned here. If your gut tells you something to act on it but I'd prefer to have no doubt and agree the meet in case my gut is wrong but in 100% of crap first dates there's been something I wish I'd paid attention to telling me it was a waste of time.

Sent a photo to MrC and seen but no reply yet.

Of course my rational logical mind is fine with this but the slightly more “needy” side is also active, which is cool.

So.....this is me for the rest of today....

Thadda girl @Bunkbedpeople but why the hell don't people reply it drives me nuts too.

I once read 'if you've got time to go to the loo you've got time to text' which is true

In other news when I get a match with someone & they don't send an enthusiastic first message I get a bit of a 'not that fussed' vibe.

Lol @Ruralbliss it’s fine but I think it’s the curse of WhatsApp - you see “read” and you think what he doing? 😂

It’s actually been quite chill overall being in contact as he’s on nights

so we’ve kind of been missing each other, sending a message, then each taking half a day to reply.

Whereas now it’s like WHAT HE DOING???!!!!!

I actually have a payg brick I’m hoping to switch to at some point but MrC asked before he left if we could keep using WhatsApp as he said it’s easier to get messages abroad/on a ship.

@Ruralbliss god yes. I got first messaged on Tinder by MrUnEnthusiastic.

It’s not even like objectively he was a great catch, just very terse in his replies.

If someone asks you whether you like online chat and then says they find it boring is that a bit ? Also, they suggested a meeting walk and I alternatively suggested a drink and they sent exact same message again.... Potentially got a date Monday / Tuesday but wondering whether these are orange flags..